Keep dreaming about her...

[lostsoul4286]

Does anybody keep dreaming about their ex after a breakup? I'm fine during the day and then all of a sudden I dream about her and wake up missing her like crazy. The relationship wasn't healthy. She pushes people away when stressed, shuts down without warning, becomes belligerent and aims low in arguments (no maturity whats so ever). And yet, this happens.

[notthathard]

Looking at your other posts your only 3 weeks into a breakup. I had about 3-4 dreams ranging about my ex from breakup to about a month later, it will stop very soon.

[David87]

Does anybody keep dreaming about their ex after a breakup? I'm fine during the day and then all of a sudden I dream about her and wake up missing her like crazy. The relationship wasn't healthy. She pushes people away when stressed, shuts down without warning, becomes belligerent and aims low in arguments (no maturity whats so ever). And yet, this happens.

 

I dreamed my ex 3 nights in a row, and I'm always sad in the morning and all day , especially now that is Christmas.

[billyjotomas]

Does anybody keep dreaming about their ex after a breakup? I'm fine during the day and then all of a sudden I dream about her and wake up missing her like crazy. The relationship wasn't healthy. She pushes people away when stressed, shuts down without warning, becomes belligerent and aims low in arguments (no maturity whats so ever). And yet, this happens.

 

 

yep in the morning is my worse

[Downtown]

The relationship wasn't healthy. She pushes people away when stressed, shuts down without warning, becomes belligerent and aims low in arguments (no maturity whats so ever). And yet, this happens.

LS, I just read through all of your posts here and in other threads. Some of the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, irrational anger, pushing you away, and temper tantrums -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

 

I mention this because it is common for a BPDer relationship to fall apart when the BPDer's infatuation ends, which typically occurs 4 to 6 months into the relationship -- which pretty well matches your experience with your Miami Ex. As long as the infatuation persists, the BPDer is absolutely convinced you pose no threat because she views you as being the perfect man who has come to save her from unhappiness. When the infatuation evaporates, however, it no longer holds her two fears at bay. Those fears are abandonment and engulfment.

 

Not having met her, I cannot know whether your Ex has most BPD traits at a strong level. (Perhaps she was only under great stress, as you suspected, when she moved to Miami.) You nonetheless are capable of spotting these warning signs if you take time to read about them. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about red flags such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and lack of impulse control. I therefore suggest you read my list of 18 warning signs at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075.

 

If most of those warning signs do not sound familiar, please disregard this post as well as the list. If most do sound very familiar, however, I suggest you read my more detailed description of these BPD red flags in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, LS.

[JDPT]

I'm at 8 months post BU (I could be wrong, lost count). I would say that months 3-5 were the months of hell. I recall dreaming about her for 3 nights consecutively it was torture. However, as time goes by and you start focusing on what actually matters those dreams will eventually dissipate.

[lostsoul4286]

LS, I just read through all of your posts here and in other threads. Some of the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, irrational anger, pushing you away, and temper tantrums -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

 

I mention this because it is common for a BPDer relationship to fall apart when the BPDer's infatuation ends, which typically occurs 4 to 6 months into the relationship -- which pretty well matches your experience with your Miami Ex. As long as the infatuation persists, the BPDer is absolutely convinced you pose no threat because she views you as being the perfect man who has come to save her from unhappiness. When the infatuation evaporates, however, it no longer holds her two fears at bay. Those fears are abandonment and engulfment.

 

Not having met her, I cannot know whether your Ex has most BPD traits at a strong level. (Perhaps she was only under great stress, as you suspected, when she moved to Miami.) You nonetheless are capable of spotting these warning signs if you take time to read about them. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about red flags such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and lack of impulse control. I therefore suggest you read my list of 18 warning signs at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075.

 

If most of those warning signs do not sound familiar, please disregard this post as well as the list. If most do sound very familiar, however, I suggest you read my more detailed description of these BPD red flags in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, LS.

 

 

She states she can't be alone, can't sit through a whole movie, also takes 9 mg of Melatonin because she can't stop the thoughts running through her head at night. When I asked her plans for the future, aside from the whole ruse of wanting to get married to me etc, she stated she doesn't plan career wise, just lives by the day. She's 24.

[WYSWYG]

After the BU, sleeplessness was unbearable. Then when you're finally getting sleep - you start dreaming.

 

Dreams are the worst cuz theres no way out 'til you wake up and sadness just wraps you cold. It's been 2 months for me and it's getting better. Everytime I wake up from dreaming about her, I instantly switch my thoughts to the bad things she said/did to me.

 

Just like your ex - she aimed low and called me names etc. But hang in there LS, a year from now, we can look back to these days and just shrug it off..

[lostsoul4286]

After the BU, sleeplessness was unbearable. Then when you're finally getting sleep - you start dreaming.

 

Dreams are the worst cuz theres no way out 'til you wake up and sadness just wraps you cold. It's been 2 months for me and it's getting better. Everytime I wake up from dreaming about her, I instantly switch my thoughts to the bad things she said/did to me.

 

Just like your ex - she aimed low and called me names etc. But hang in there LS, a year from now, we can look back to these days and just shrug it off..

 

Thanks man, I completely changed during those three weeks. Lost myself because of the confusion. I'm rebuilding while still handling my career as best I can.

[Downtown]

She states she can't be alone.... she doesn't plan career wise, just lives by the day.

LS, these are warning signs for having strong BPD traits. Such a person typically HATES being alone because, having very little sense of who she is, she feels a strong need to be around someone who can center and ground her. And, because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable self image, she doesn't know today what she will be wanting a week from now.

 

This is why BPDers often live from day to day with their planning -- or will undertake ambitious projects/hobbies that are wholly abandoned within a few months. I therefore suggest that you follow the two links I provided above and see whether most traits sound very familiar.

[lostsoul4286]

LS, these are warning signs for having strong BPD traits. Such a person typically HATES being alone because, having very little sense of who she is, she feels a strong need to be around someone who can center and ground her. And, because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable self image, she doesn't know today what she will be wanting a week from now.

 

This is why BPDers often live from day to day with their planning -- or will undertake ambitious projects/hobbies that are wholly abandoned within a few months. I therefore suggest that you follow the two links I provided above and see whether most traits sound very familiar.

 

Yes, she fits most of those traits, but not all. She admitted to having low self esteem, nose, acne, teeth. To me she was beautiful, but nothing I said ever changed.

 

I have to confess I use to be like that when I was younger. But after looking for answers and much self improvement, all of it was shed. I wasn't perfect, but I never put her down. I might of been guilty of clinging on when I felt her pull back with no rhyme or reason. I became someone I didn't like towards the end because of all the confusion and frustration of trying to understand so I can make it work. Nothing abusive, just trying to hard, changing myself, one sided compromises. And I understand she was stressed because of work and missing the family. But not once did it feel like she was really appreciative about my sacrifice of coming down there for thanks giving. Leaving my mother and sister to celebrate alone.

Edited December 26, 2013 by lostsoul4286

[liloldlady]

Does anybody keep dreaming about their ex after a breakup?

 

Yep. And he came back.

 

I'm fine during the day and then all of a sudden I dream about her and wake up missing her like crazy.

 

The dreams confused yet inspired me. In the dreams, he was SO gentlemanly and caring toward me. I knew then that we had not reached the end of our story.

 

The relationship wasn't healthy. She pushes people away when stressed, shuts down without warning, becomes belligerent and aims low in arguments (no maturity whats so ever). And yet, this happens.

 

Give it time. Maybe you met her at a bad time in her life...

[lostsoul4286]

Downtown nailed it. I've seen a close friend go down this path before for ten years, lost ten years of his life. I'm glad I got out in time.

Edited December 27, 2013 by lostsoul4286

[Downtown]

Yes, she fits most of those [bPD] traits....I have to confess I use to be like that when I was younger.

LS, yes, everybody is like that when they are much younger. Namely, we all exhibit strong BPD traits when we are in early childhood -- on a 24/7 basis -- and many of us start behaving that way again for a couple of years during our teens. Even during adulthood, "normal" adults will occasionally exhibit all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the symptoms to some degree.

 

At issue, then, is not whether your Ex exhibits all of the BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. As I noted earlier, I cannot answer that question. You nonetheless can spot all the warning signs for having strong BPD symptoms if you take time to read about them.

[lostsoul4286]

LS, yes, everybody is like that when they are much younger. Namely, we all exhibit strong BPD traits when we are in early childhood -- on a 24/7 basis -- and many of us start behaving that way again for a couple of years during our teens. Even during adulthood, "normal" adults will occasionally exhibit all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the symptoms to some degree.

 

At issue, then, is not whether your Ex exhibits all of the BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. As I noted earlier, I cannot answer that question. You nonetheless can spot all the warning signs for having strong BPD symptoms if you take time to read about them.

 

 

She began to exhibit them throughout the relationship. I was naive in the beginning and ignored the signs. The second week of November is when everything started going dry. She was telling me in the beginning that the move and family was making her feel down during that second week of November, but then I started feeling the distancing and then attitudes followed by one night she said "I pushed everyone away except my parents", I responded "I'm still here" and then she said "Oh, I thought I pushed you away" (she went off an a semi rant one night ending with calling me a liar, I shrugged it off). Towards the end it went from telling each other how lucky we are to have each other in our lives to one night her response being "You feel that way even though I'm a B*tch?", I asked her directly if she's like that towards me, and she responded " I did say it in the broad sense"... this following everything else I posted in my previous thread lead me to start thinking.

[lostsoul4286]

I still feel horrible. The guilt trip is killing me. She wanted to still stay friends but I told her that I couldn't be friends with someone that doesn't acknowledge the damage they do through their actions. Was I too harsh? I've been NC since Xmas eve. She responded with a text from hell telling me that she knew it was going to come to this and that when I'm ready to grow up emotionally that she'll be here as a friend ready for me with love and open arms etc... I didn't respond to that and let it be. She brings out the worst out of me, I don't like engaging on that level. She's the one that shut me out, pushed me away, brought on this negativity to our conversations and started to get on me over small things. Once again, she's 24, moved to a whole other state 1000 miles away, stress from work, family, and work is what she blamed it on for being the way she was with me towards the end. She kept telling me I hurt her, and gets mad when I tell her what she did to me as if this is the norm in relationships. We had great times, but the hot and cold and attitudes, pulling away, infrequency in texts towards the end (went from texting me when ever she could, to not responding to any of my texts throughout the day, I wasn't asking for constant talk but an explanation for the change would have been nice). This really threw me into a state of confusion, frustrations, and eventually breaking down. She lied and told me she'd never push me and still did it, admit to it, and still got mad that I broke up with her. She told me I should of talked to her, I told her I tried asking her constantly, her response, "YOU SHOULD OF ASKED AGAIN"

Edited December 28, 2013 by lostsoul4286

[sw2020]

Pretty sure my ex has bpd. She broke up with me in the end saying I no longer made her happy and listed things that aren't true. She can flip between reality and then be 100% believing of a situation that simply doesn't exist. I too ignored the early warning signs. Lack of trust, suddenly turning so cold, paranoid about me cheating, low self esteem. She is very beautiful and charming and lovely and cute, but she is also the most horrible, spiteful, inconsiderate and nasty person too.

 

The year together has been a traumatic experience. I'm a month since BU and 2 weeks NC. I'm just praying she won't contact me as she has the ability to really get under my skin and make me feel like crap. My desire for her is insane too. It's totally illogical, but I can't turn it off.

 

You're well out of it. Stay clear.

[Downtown]

I still feel horrible. The guilt trip is killing me.

LS, if your exGF has strong BPD traits as you suspect, you should consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling guilty. Dating an emotionally unstable person is so disorienting and confusing, it is common for the partners of BPDers to feel like they may be losing their minds.

She wanted to still stay friends but I told her that I couldn't be friends with someone that doesn't acknowledge the damage they do through their actions. Was I too harsh?

No, you weren't too harsh if she has strong BPD traits. For her own benefit, it is important that people hold her fully accountable for her own actions. Otherwise, she will have no incentive to confront her issues and learn how to manage them. If she has strong BPD traits, she is incapable of being a close friend to anyone in a LTR. One reason is that, until she learns how to trust, you can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on you at any time. This is why trust is the foundation on which all LTRs must be built.

 

Another reason she cannot be your good friend, if she is a BPDer (has strong traits), is that she is incapable of ever believing you truly love her. Until she learns how to love herself and to avoid the black-white thinking towards others, she will be incapable of loving you in a mature way. Although BPDers can be very loving and caring, they do it in an immature way. This immaturity is most apparent in the way they often lose touch with their loving feelings (due to the splitting that puts those feelings out of touch of the conscious mind, resulting in the black-white thinking you see).

She still got mad that I broke up with her. She told me I should of talked to her.

I suggest you not worry about her attitude toward you the very last time you communicated with her. No matter what that attitude was, it will change. That's the way unstable people are. They are very reactive to whatever intense feeling is flooding through their minds at the moment. Those intense feelings color and distort their current view of you, causing them to continually "rewrite history." Hence, even if you had parted amicably and with smiles on your faces, it likely would mean absolutely nothing a week later -- if she has strong BPD traits.

[Kevin_D]

I dream about her almost every night. Very nice dreams. We have a lot of fun.

[sw2020]

Go to Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners loads of really useful stuff on there.