Conners Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I'm not sure what i'd define as a player. To me it's someone who has been with ALOT of people who they weren't dating, manipulates girls into sleeping with them and then leaving and someone who just lies to girls in general. I guess girls can be players too but i'd say that it's more common for males. I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months now, we know everything about eachother, we are very open with everything about our past and are so comfortable with eachother. I met him when he was 15 and I was 17 at work, I thought he was cute back then and knew he would grow up nicely and be a heartbreaker haha. I was right because I ran into him when he was 19 and fell for him pretty quickly when we started dating. He has told me about his past, he's been with around 25 girls. This shocked me because he was a virgin when I first met him. Out of all these girls his longest relationship was 6 months and it ended because he kissed another girl. He said there were a couple of short relationships after that. He said most of these girls were just one night stands at parties or girls he'd chat up on facebook and pretend to like, few of his sisters friends even one of his mums friends!!?!? I'm no saint either but I do not have a past like that. So I do define him as a player.. it makes me a tiny bit insecure because I think he will get bored of me and question if he loves me because of all the girls he's been with. I know he loves me, he said i am the only girl who he has ever loved, the only girl he's cried over and the one he wants to marry, he said sex is so much better with someone he loves. I say that you're only 19, you might get bored in a couple of years and go out and enjoy being single. He told me he is past all that and sex is just sex. I know he hasn't cheated on me, he openly let's me see his facebook and phone all the time and he's at home alot because of no license for now, and it states we are in a relationship on facebook so girls have backed off alot. He tells me he loves me wayy too much and complains i'm a bit reserved in showing my feelings, so how can I get over this nagging thought in the back of my head that he doesn't love me. Do you think a 19 year old with a past like that can change for the "right" person. Am I an idiot for focusing on his past too much?? By the way I don't let him know i'm insecure about this, I have a weird habit of pretending i'm not emotional, insecure and needy where in fact I am (in my head)
regine_phalange Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Maybe they want to change, but if they have formed bad habits when it comes to treating people (manipulation, lies, cheating) maybe it takes a lot of effort to get over that. I'd be a bit puzzled about the reason they led people on. On the other hand, as long as he doesn't give you any reason not to trust him, and if he is not shady with you, it would be unfair to judge him. I'd say, enjoy what you have, and keep an eye open.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Maybe they want to change, but if they have formed bad habits when it comes to treating people (manipulation, lies, cheating) maybe it takes a lot of effort to get over that. I'd be a bit puzzled about the reason they led people on. On the other hand, as long as he doesn't give you any reason not to trust him, and if he is not shady with you, it would be unfair to judge him. I'd say, enjoy what you have, and keep an eye open. I agree with this. People can change if they want to, but it's not as though this was all that long ago. Don't torment yourself by thinking of his past. Just use good judgement and stay alert. And don't go overboard looking at his phone and Facebook profile; that will eventually drive you and him crazy
Author Conners Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 I agree with this. People can change if they want to, but it's not as though this was all that long ago. Don't torment yourself by thinking of his past. Just use good judgement and stay alert. And don't go overboard looking at his phone and Facebook profile; that will eventually drive you and him crazy Oh no, I don't ask to look at his phone or facebook.. he has gone to show me particular msgs from a friend etc and i've noticed theres not much in there. he's also had 3 iphones in the past 6 months because he breaks them so easily :| has hardly any contacts in there.
Kizza Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 A player generally stops being a player when they meet the one and fall for that person and don't want to hurt them. So hopefully you are the one he doesn't want to play.
Author Conners Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 A player generally stops being a player when they meet the one and fall for that person and don't want to hurt them. So hopefully you are the one he doesn't want to play. i hope so ha.
d0nnivain Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 People & players CAN change but you can't make them change. They have to want to. No, this guy is not the boy you met when you were 17. However, in the intervening years since you are both still relatively young he may have been sowing proverbial wild oats. If he's done, he could possibly be ready to settle down but only time will tell. If you can't get past his past & you continually berate him about things he can't change without a time machine, your relationship is doomed. If you can focus on his present behavior & his actions are trustworthy, it may be fine.
ktya Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I was a player in my early 20s. Might be shooting to do it again now in my late 30s. Not all players are bad. I kept meeting and hooking up with girls, it became just a habit. I would end up at a lonely bus stop and meet a crying girl and end up kissing her in a bar a few hours later. It was never that i wanted to lie to them. You can just get so in the zone that everything you say works and your bewildered as to is this really happening. When i had like 7 girls on the go, my prime problem was figuring out which one to go exclusive with. For each girl that i broke it off with it seemed two more arrived. My solution was to stay single for six months and i ended up having my first true love with the first girl i asked out when the six months was up. I stu k with her for three years and lived with her for a year and a half. I will never forget that girl
RedRobin Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I think you can do better... There are plenty of other men out there who haven't done the things this guy has done who you won't wonder about. Not sure why others are coaching you on ways to quell your concerns about this guy. Seems like this is your intuition telling you he's not really trustworthy. My advice is to find someone you wouldn't have these doubts about... 1
ThatMan Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 (edited) There's lot's of women who dream about finding a player, reforming him, and living happily ever after. It's a nice fantasy. Reality doesn't work this way at all. The only person who may decide how he behaves is himself. Everything you've ever offered him in a relationship cannot force him to behave in one particular way. He cannot take away his past, though. What matters is how he treats you today, and whether or not you've been treated with respect. Do you have any ongoing concerns with his current behavior? Edited December 28, 2013 by ThatMan phone
shinealight Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Player are ones that are in a relationship with someone and then they go behind there own back with someone else and tell that person they are in love with them and they will break up with that person but that never happens and then that whole entire mess ends up finding out and >.> Players are ones that say they will be there for you ect but they are not. Players are one that say they love you and you are the one when infact the one is someone else on the holding line. If you think you love someone but that someone is in a relationship my word is run away fast because that someone is not going to dump that someone just for you run away fast as you can and meet someone who is worth your'e while!
runningfar Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I'm always a person to forgive a person for their past. I don't think a past determines whether someone is trustworthy or not... but the cheating/lying in the past would be a red flag on high alert. Just number of partners or casual partners or whatever means nothing, but cheating and lying are a certain justification or decision making unless he REALLY recognizes how wrong it was and feels very badly about it. If he doesn't and says "you" are the only thing that is different, what happens when there's a rough patch as relationships are wont to have?
thefooloftheyear Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 FFS, you are kids!! If everyone got written off for the irresponsible things we did as kids, then we'd all be screwed.... TFY
Eau Claire Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 I wouldn't call anyone under 25 a 'player'. They are just a male with a healthy libido who has yet to establish the skills for a lasting relationship. A 25 year old has another potential 65 years in life to have one or a series of monogamous relationships.
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