kat1012 Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I had been dating my ex-bf for 8 months before he dumped me saying "we are comfortable but it doesnt mean it's going anywhere.". when I asked him if he figured he wanna break up with me two weeks before (which is when I felt like he started becoming distant), he said no and that he's been thinking for a few weeks and I am getting obsessed with the relationship. He was my first bf. Towards the final parts of the relationship, I started feeling that he doesnt care that much about me and that sometimes I am sorta low in his priority list (he would do things with his friends, but if i want the same thing, he asked me to ask my friends to do it with me). I bitched to my friends abt how immature/rude/not caring/insensitive he could be at times. One month before the BU, I "talked" to him about sth he did that I didnt like from time to time (I did cry before I talk but I was calm and I believed I was polite the whole time), he was pissed and said sth pretty hurtful, which made me think he really didnt care about me or us that much. Still I didnt want to break up because I love him, even after the times that he made me feel very sad and cried, I still saw sth special in him and I cared about him and when we were together, I was happy. I was still willing to make an effort for the relationship. The week following our "talk", I bickered a bit twice when we were texting (because I dun like sth he said abt me, now I think I overreacted) and he called me a drama queen. After that, things were normal for 2 weeks. then he started becoming distant. Now that I realized he said he's been thinking about it for a few weeks, he prob have at least cared about me or loved me, and it's because of me not trusting him that he cared and my insecurities that got the best of me, and led me to talk to him abt the thing he did that I didnt like and bickering, and "drama" which possibly caused him to break up with me. Is it normal to feel like this (not knowing what u had until it's gone)? If the dumper has been thinking for weeks before breaking up, does it mean he has cared or it's the guilt that made me overthink?
innocentbutterfly Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 It's not your fault. I have similar situation when I was feeling my ex going distant ever since we met (it was a LDR) and if your ex now has been thinking it it means only he has moved on during your relationship that's why he acted so cold when he broke up with you. Mine did the same thing, I noticed it for all 3 months, going worse and worse and then he told a thing from my past bothered him so much that it's over, that he couldn't marry me. So it's not your fault if he's been thinking it before and just covered it, mine on the contrary told me many times that I just dont want to accept we arent happy together and all of it lead to him breaking up with me and blocking me everywhere. COLD. Ignoring my contact for a week. I know if he loved me enough no past could get between us. He just didn't. Neither a month after now when I got him to talk to me again after NC. He moved on playing with another girl like our 2 years meant nothing and even after all my convincing, begging and god knows what all I tried he doesnt want to try again. So leave it. You can't do anything anymore. I am too in my denial phase still having hope, but it's a lost cause.
loveiswar101 Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 So leave it. You can't do anything anymore. I am too in my denial phase still having hope, but it's a lost cause. Same thing, I thought love would be enough but in same boat. "The ones who love you will never leave you. Even if there are hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on." 4
Author kat1012 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 I felt like I overread into things and thought he didnt care but he might have instead. One time I really did but we didnt turn it into an arguement. (he's like "wait so we are not doing anything this week?" I told him I just cant sleep over, and asked him if he wanna do sth that night, he just said "no." I then said "so now you dun wanna meet up because i cant sleep over." he then said he got things to do but I am free to make assumptions) I don't know if being laid off one month before the BU (though he has been hating his job for a long time) has anything to do with it, but I think it's me reading into things, thinking he didnt care, leading me to have a talk with him for the first time (I told him that I am making an effort and it feels like it's not being appreciated when I am the one to come all way to find him to spend time together and he's on his phone) , he was pissed and got him to start considering breaking up with me I feel like I made him fall out of love. He prob have cared, but then I bickered, he prob found me reading into things too much, getting stressed abt things he said easily (think he's being rude but he might just be joking), made me "a drama queen"
margot13 Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I felt like I overread into things and thought he didnt care but he might have instead. One time I really did but we didnt turn it into an arguement. (he's like "wait so we are not doing anything this week?" I told him I just cant sleep over, and asked him if he wanna do sth that night, he just said "no." I then said "so now you dun wanna meet up because i cant sleep over." he then said he got things to do but I am free to make assumptions) I don't know if being laid off one month before the BU (though he has been hating his job for a long time) has anything to do with it, but I think it's me reading into things, thinking he didnt care, leading me to have a talk with him for the first time (I told him that I am making an effort and it feels like it's not being appreciated when I am the one to come all way to find him to spend time together and he's on his phone) , he was pissed and got him to start considering breaking up with me I feel like I made him fall out of love. He prob have cared, but then I bickered, he prob found me reading into things too much, getting stressed abt things he said easily (think he's being rude but he might just be joking), made me "a drama queen" My breakup sounds similair in a lot of ways. The most important thing I am learning is that I can replay every thing I said and did but it won't change the outcome. And rather than beat yourself up you should be proud of yourself for having enough self reflection to look at maybe your negative input into the relationship. BUT IT IS NOT THE REASON FOR THE BREAKUP. Did you ever think that he assisted in creating reactions you didn't like in yourself? Be kinder to yourself, especially now when you are feeling so terrible. 1
Author kat1012 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 My breakup sounds similair in a lot of ways. The most important thing I am learning is that I can replay every thing I said and did but it won't change the outcome. And rather than beat yourself up you should be proud of yourself for having enough self reflection to look at maybe your negative input into the relationship. BUT IT IS NOT THE REASON FOR THE BREAKUP. Did you ever think that he assisted in creating reactions you didn't like in yourself? Be kinder to yourself, especially now when you are feeling so terrible. I try telling myself that I did or said the things because I was just reacting to what the did or said, because at that time I find what he did or said inconsiderate or rude. But now I realized it's not really such a big deal, and I overreacted and shouldnt have said anything at that time. There are a couple of guys that have showed interested in me. But I didnt feel anything for them. I went out with them a few times and just couldnt feel the chemistry or anything more than being a friend. It also reminded me what I have lost and that I lost it because I screwed up. And I realized how hard it is to find someone who you have feelings for and at the same time likes you back, and then have to go through the uncertainties at the beginning of dating. Friends keep telling me he is not a good guy anyway and that I deserve better. One friend even drunk tell me that she was happy when I told her he broke up with me because she thinks he's not treating me well and he's a jerk and asked me why I dont see it.
Conners Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Doesn't sound like he treated you very well, especially how you mentioned that he didn't want to spend time with you and just wanted you to "sleep over" which I assume he means he wanted to get laid. Been there and done that, he's a jerk!
margot13 Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I try telling myself that I did or said the things because I was just reacting to what the did or said, because at that time I find what he did or said inconsiderate or rude. But now I realized it's not really such a big deal, and I overreacted and shouldnt have said anything at that time. There are a couple of guys that have showed interested in me. But I didnt feel anything for them. I went out with them a few times and just couldnt feel the chemistry or anything more than being a friend. It also reminded me what I have lost and that I lost it because I screwed up. And I realized how hard it is to find someone who you have feelings for and at the same time likes you back, and then have to go through the uncertainties at the beginning of dating. Friends keep telling me he is not a good guy anyway and that I deserve better. One friend even drunk tell me that she was happy when I told her he broke up with me because she thinks he's not treating me well and he's a jerk and asked me why I dont see it. You are only human. Maybe your right and maybe you are being too hard on yourself. But he is also human and should be capable of the empathy you seem to have. Do you really want to live a life of keeping your mouth shut? Don't make yourself small he is probably not worth it.
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Same thing, I thought love would be enough but in same boat. "The ones who love you will never leave you. Even if there are hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on." True. Although you may love someone and yourself enough to be honest when something isn't going somewhere. Love devoid of pragmatism is a recipe for disaster. When I broke up with my ex I STILL loved him to bits. To date I have never loved any other man. We dated when I was 16 and again at 20. It's been 5 yrs. However, I realized he was not who he presented himself to be at the core and we were going on two different paths. I could accept this truth, make peace with it and move on or solely go by my feelings and hold on to a dead end. We're still friends and I love him as such still but I cannot imagine a reconciliation. Sometimes you really have to ask yourself what's love got to do with it? After the second break-up he attempted a couple months later to get me back and I told him if the practical things that caused the breakup haven't changed, getting back together simply because we "miss each other" will be futile b/c we will eventually be back to square one; once again there was deception on his end and I swiftly closed that chapter; insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!
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