He's acting weird...I need some light

[irresolute]

Again, what kind of expectations can anyone have in this situation?

What can I do to make this change? What should I say to him, and see if he reacts in some way?

[KathyM]

Again, what kind of expectations can anyone have in this situation?

With him, you can have no expectations, except that he might contact you when he feels like having sex with you.

What can I do to make this change? What should I say to him, and see if he reacts in some way?

Don't bother trying to change him, or getting some kind of reaction out of him. There's no point. He's made it very clear by his words and especially his actions that there can be no expectations put on him. He will put in minimal effort to keep things going with you. You either accept what little he has to offer on his terms, or you decide this isn't going to work for you and stop responding to any further contact from him.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you should explore why you think its fun to play games with people. Why you want someone to love you just so you can dump him. I wonder what you have faced in your life, and how you have been treated by others

- you have such a nonchalant attitude about it. Like doing this is normal and just what people do when they're bored.

 

There are much more constructive ways to find excitement in your life. There are positive ways to get attention, ones that don't involve using or playing games with others.

 

People aren't pawns and shouldn't be used for entertainment. I get that there is mutual using going on, but its manipulative. Trying to get him to love you so you can dump him shows that you want to intentionally hurt someone because it gives you a sense of power and control. You say its for fun, but what gets you off is the power. I think that indicates some issues that could lead you down a self destructive path. Playing with a persons heart and emotions isn't too smart- you have no idea if he is a stable and mentally healthy person.

 

It's not fair to drag your husband or family around on your quest for excitement. You think all this is normal and fun and perfectly ok, but I think you are in denial. It's sounds like an unhealthy way of escaping and avoiding the real issues in your life.

[KathyM]

I think you should explore why you think its fun to play games with people. Why you want someone to love you just so you can dump him. I wonder what you have faced in your life, and how you have been treated by others

- you have such a nonchalant attitude about it. Like doing this is normal and just what people do when they're bored.

 

There are much more constructive ways to find excitement in your life. There are positive ways to get attention, ones that don't involve using or playing games with others.

 

People aren't pawns and shouldn't be used for entertainment. I get that there is mutual using going on, but its manipulative. Trying to get him to love you so you can dump him shows that you want to intentionally hurt someone because it gives you a sense of power and control. You say its for fun, but what gets you off is the power. I think that indicates some issues that could lead you down a self destructive path. Playing with a persons heart and emotions isn't too smart- you have no idea if he is a stable and mentally healthy person.

 

It's not fair to drag your husband or family around on your quest for excitement. You think all this is normal and fun and perfectly ok, but I think you are in denial. It's sounds like an unhealthy way of escaping and avoiding the real issues in your life.

I'm guessing either she's been hurt by men in the past and this is her way of getting back at them, one man at a time, which could also explain why she's cheating on her husband, or she has a dysfunctional need for excessive validation because of lack of proper attention from her parents/caregivers, that is filled by making men fall in love with her and then rejecting them, or this is a troll post which is just wasting our time. I'm starting to think it's the latter.

[Popsicle]

Why did you sometimes get jealous?

[irresolute]

I'm guessing either she's been hurt by men in the past and this is her way of getting back at them, one man at a time, which could also explain why she's cheating on her husband, or she has a dysfunctional need for excessive validation because of lack of proper attention from her parents/caregivers, that is filled by making men fall in love with her and then rejecting them, or this is a troll post which is just wasting our time. I'm starting to think it's the latter.

 

Thank you both for your insight. Im not a troll. Why should i post if it werent the truth? Im checking this thread every 5 minutes in search for some answers, I need your feedback.

 

Ive been hurt in the past and my childhood was difficult. I do get the pointthat this behavior is not normal, but I somehow continue with it. Making someone to love me as I tried my parents to love me when I was a kid. Never worked out. I should get a clue by now.

[irresolute]

Why did you sometimes get jealous?

 

With him? Because i cant stand the idea of him having sex with someone else. Or him interested in someone else.

[stillafool]

 

He couldn't care less about what my needs are. I told him several times I want more contact, yet he always act with indifference.

Could it also be that he always respond to me because I'm easy? Or because he likes to have me as a second option? I just don't know what to think.

 

YES

 

 

No, I don't think it is usual, but some men have

curiosity and not for that reason are gay. Still, that fantasy of me being with

him and other man sounds weird to me. I used to think men preferred two girls in

a threesome.

 

They do! It's rare that men request sex with MMF. Mostly women do that. Men don't want sloppy seconds and they don't want to see another penis bang a woman they care about.

For some reason, I'm starting to doubt he is who he claims to be. I'd never know

whether he has some homo tendencies or not, what I'm starting to realize right

now is that this situation is extremely tangled up, and I'm reluctant to contact

him again in the short term.

 

You are smart to think this. Has he ever been married?

 

Yes, I suggested a threesome thinking in two

gilrs and him, but he twisted and made me agreed to two men and me, saying it

was my fantasy (?? It was totally not!!) Anyways, we never did it. He

also suggested he wanted to sneak in my bed with husband more than one time, but

then he said it was a joke.

 

This is because that's what he wanted.

 

I don't know what to do. this has never happened before. It is me who

 

is desperate to see him, and him always accepting (or not) my

desires.

I feel bad for him. Should I?

Does this sound like a man who cares to you?

 

There is not outcome to this situation. My ideal would be that he'd fall

in love with me, and I'd dump him. That would be my ideal. All this painful

process just to make him to love me, and it's not working. And now

these red flags about homosexuality, I just don;t know what to do. I suppose

I'll let things cool down, and I'll probably contact him again in a couple of

weeks, if he's still available.

 

You are playing games as well.

 

How do you know he doesnt care enough? I already know this, I want o know your point of view

 

I think this guy just trolls for MW to have sex with and who are willing to help him (probably unknowingly) attract men for 3 ways that will end up being a 2 way with him and the OM at some point and time. He trolls for MW because he doesn't want a woman who is available to bother him for dates, meet her friends and family and all the other stuff that goes with being in a relationship. This guy is in his late 40's and still playing these games. One can only read your posts to see this guy is not serious in anyway but has other motives. The question is why would you risk your marriage on someone who does not want you the way you want him?

[KathyM]

Thank you both for your insight. Im not a troll. Why should i post if it werent the truth? Im checking this thread every 5 minutes in search for some answers, I need your feedback.

 

Ive been hurt in the past and my childhood was difficult. I do get the pointthat this behavior is not normal, but I somehow continue with it. Making someone to love me as I tried my parents to love me when I was a kid. Never worked out. I should get a clue by now.

You need to understand the importance of self love. Protecting/caring for your mind and body so that you won't get hurt. Not giving it away to strangers who don't care about you at all. Not giving it away to people who treat you badly. You are trying to seek out love and validation from various men because you never got it from your parents, and somehow, by making a man fall in love with you, and then rejecting him, you are feeling that you gain control over the powerlessness you felt in not being able to gain the love of your parents. That's pretty dysfunctional behavior that will not turn out well for you. It will only lead to disappointment and hurt people in the process, most of all you. You need to provide for yourself the love and care that you never had as a child, by caring for/about yourself. By protecting your heart and your body. You don't say much about your husband in this thread, but where is he in this picture? He also should be the one you are seeking love and validation from. Not strangers on a website who don't give a **** about you.

[stillafool]

Another thing OP, if you have sex with this guy be sure to use protection. If you have had unprotected sex with him please get tested. You may be exposing your husband as well as yourself to diseases.

[KathyM]

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are not just trolling and are being honest in what you say here, because I know how it feels to need and ask for advice and have my story dismissed as being a joke. When I was a young teenager and sought out advice on what to do about my 17 year old sister's affair with a much older MM, my question was dismissed as being a joke because it sounded too bizarre. Hopefully, you're not just wasting my time with a troll post. I hate to see someone screw up their life so badly, which is the road you are going down. Don't let your bad childhood screw up your life as an adult. I know that's easier said than done. I would strongly suggest some counseling so that you can process your feelings of loss as a child in a more healthy way.

[irresolute]

Stillafool: Because I'm acting irrational. There's no other answer. I just can't stand him being indifferent. I just can't. He told me once that I was ingenuous, and that he thought he was taking advantage of me. When I asked if he felt bad for this, he replied no, because I looked for him.

I just can't stop contacting him to get some reply, always trying to make him love me.

I had protection and I've been tested already.

 

KathyM: I do't want to speak about H here, I try to protect him from all this mess, at least when it's possible. He is a very loving and caring man, I won't say anything more here about him.

Why is that you seem to see my reality from such a different perspective? you say he doesn't give a sh$$, I think it's because he cares for me and he's discovering deep feelings that he doesn't contact me (now this sounds ridicule when written) I know I've been feeling distraught since I contacted him again one month ago, very anxious and awfully sad when I don't get what I want from him. Still, very active and excited.

the periods in which I did have counseling and I was no contact with him, my depression increased and I was always missing him. I just don't know what else to do with this situation. It seems that both ways I'm feeling sad.

[irresolute]

He is not looking for me anymore online. the days in which he loggued in every 20 minutes to see whether I was online or not are passed. It's been 2 days since he last logged in AM.

[KathyM]

You are obsessing about a man who doesn't care about you at all. Why are you putting yourself through this? Find something enjoyable to do as a distraction that isn't going to hurt you or others. This guy is not worth your time. And get some counseling. This is a dangerous hobby you have that is going to cause you serious trouble and end up with both you and your husband hurt, divorced, or worse.

[irresolute]

You are obsessing about a man who doesn't care about you at all. Why are you putting yourself through this? Find something enjoyable to do as a distraction that isn't going to hurt you or others. This guy is not worth your time. And get some counseling. This is a dangerous hobby you have that is going to cause you serious trouble and end up with both you and your husband hurt, divorced, or worse.

 

These last days have been a turmoil for me. Over thinking and spending lots of time trying to decipher his -and mine as well- erratic behavior. Trying to give sense to the nonsense, looking for ways to connect with him, and when we connected I pulled away, afraid of things going more deep than I could handle.

I've been alert to his behavior on the internet, spending hours trying to understand why he logged in or logged off...Having the unstoppable urge to contact him. I think all this craziness has become to an end. Me, realizing I'm wasting my time. And him, losing interest for I don't remember how many times. I'm just drained to try to keep him interested. I'm doing all the work here!

I'm taking a break. I won't contact him again. Let's see what happens next.

[violet1]

These last days have been a turmoil for me. Over thinking and spending lots of time trying to decipher his -and mine as well- erratic behavior. Trying to give sense to the nonsense, looking for ways to connect with him, and when we connected I pulled away, afraid of things going more deep than I could handle.

I've been alert to his behavior on the internet, spending hours trying to understand why he logged in or logged off...Having the unstoppable urge to contact him. I think all this craziness has become to an end. Me, realizing I'm wasting my time. And him, losing interest for I don't remember how many times. I'm just drained to try to keep him interested. I'm doing all the work here!

I'm taking a break. I won't contact him again. Let's see what happens next.

 

He's just not that into you at least not in any way other than sex. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings here. I've chatted with single men on AM. They just want sex and they feel safer hooking up with married women. Men have told me this. It's seems to me that you want an actual friend with benefits and he just wants benefits. Why risk having an affair with someone who makes you feel bad? If he really cared, he'd contact you. He's single! He'd take 2 seconds to send you a text if he cared about your feelings. His actions prove he doesn't care. Save yourself the frustration and move on.

[irresolute]

He's just not that into you at least not in any way other than sex. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings here. I've chatted with single men on AM. They just want sex and they feel safer hooking up with married women. Men have told me this. It's seems to me that you want an actual friend with benefits and he just wants benefits. Why risk having an affair with someone who makes you feel bad? If he really cared, he'd contact you. He's single! He'd take 2 seconds to send you a text if he cared about your feelings. His actions prove he doesn't care. Save yourself the frustration and move on.

 

 

Violet: he is scared to text me because he fears someone could see his number and he'll get in trouble. He almost never initiated. One or two times, when my husband was traveling. But yes, I do agree he's not that into me.

 

I was reading the triggers thread and wow...I don't have any memories with him, besides sexual ones. No songs, no plans together, no I loves you, no planned phone calls....no nothing. Pretty sad I am now

[Popsicle]

With him? Because i cant stand the idea of him having sex with someone else. Or him interested in someone else.

 

Did he ever have sex with someone else or act interested in someone else?

[irresolute]

Popsicle: that I know, only with one other woman. But I stopped asking long ago, so I really don't know. Why?

 

I asked him why he would always reply to my messages, even after long no contact periods. His answer was that why would he pass an opportunity to see me? That we get along well and have fun...

I guess that's the answer, though I don't understand why he continues this, I don't think is that difficult to find another woman to have sex. In my case, I always come back to him because I have feelings for him, although not sure what type of feelings those are.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle: that I know, only with one other woman. But I stopped asking long ago, so I really don't know. Why?

 

I asked him why he would always reply to my messages, even after long no contact periods. His answer was that why would he pass an opportunity to see me? That we get along well and have fun...

I guess that's the answer, though I don't understand why he continues this, I don't think is that difficult to find another woman to have sex. In my case, I always come back to him because I have feelings for him, although not sure what type of feelings those are.

 

I think he's telling the truth with the answer he gave but it's more than just sex, there are feelings involved,which is why he keeps it up, but you are married and keep calling things off with him. What else is he supposed to do?

[irresolute]

Popsicle: are you saying there are feelings...on his side? Because everyone here has told me the contrary so far.

Well, after telling me why he would always reply to me, I texted him that that was true, and that I liked him. Just that, I didn't say I love him, just like. But he changed subject. Weird. This was last night. I contacted him to ask him that question. Plus, he said nothing about me flaking on him, like it never happened. I said nothing either.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle: are you saying there are feelings...on his side? Because everyone here has told me the contrary so far.

Well, after telling me why he would always reply to me, I texted him that that was true, and that I liked him. Just that, I didn't say I love him, just like. But he changed subject. Weird. This was last night. I contacted him to ask him that question. Plus, he said nothing about me flaking on him, like it never happened. I said nothing either.

 

Yes there probably is feelings on his part because thats only natural but you seem all over the place tbh.

[violet1]

Violet: he is scared to text me because he fears someone could see his number and he'll get in trouble. He almost never initiated. One or two times, when my husband was traveling. But yes, I do agree he's not that into me.

 

I was reading the triggers thread and wow...I don't have any memories with him, besides sexual ones. No songs, no plans together, no I loves you, no planned phone calls....no nothing. Pretty sad I am now

 

You're using your actual cell numbers to communicate? That's a sure way to get caught. My exMOM and I used a popular text/voice app to message and call each other. We never had each other's real cell numbers.

[irresolute]

Yes there probably is feelings on his part because thats only natural but you seem all over the place tbh.

 

Thats only natural? Some men never develop feelings for the women they've slept with. How do you know this? And why you assume i am all over the place? I dont think ive acted crazy with him.

 

Yes, we use our cel phones. As ive said, he is respectful and never texts me if i dont text him first (which i always take like a lack of intersest btw)

Edited December 29, 2013 by irresolute

[violet1]

Popsicle: are you saying there are feelings...on his side? Because everyone here has told me the contrary so far.

Well, after telling me why he would always reply to me, I texted him that that was true, and that I liked him. Just that, I didn't say I love him, just like. But he changed subject. Weird. This was last night. I contacted him to ask him that question. Plus, he said nothing about me flaking on him, like it never happened. I said nothing either.

 

You told him you "liked him" and he changed the subject? What does that tell you? If a man did that to me, I'd assume he didn't feel the same way. I think he may like you as a friend. He may like having sex with you, but I don't think it means he has feelings for you. I think this man is emotionally unavailable and that's why he goes for married woman.

 

Honestly Irresolute, I think you need to stop overanalyzing him and make a decision. If you're happy with him and can handle the inconsistency of his communication then continue and stop analyzing every message he sends. After a year, he's not going to change. I doubt he's going to contact more or fall madly in love with you. If you can't handle it, end it and move on. It really is that simple. I know for me, I would NOT and did NOT risk having an affair with someone who's inconsistent and makes me feel bad. It's up to you though, deal with it or don't.