guy being super formal in his communication..

[lamaga]

Dating for 4 weeks. It's been wonderful (see last posts) but also worrisome for me.

Christmas break is here and our communication is BEING WEIRD.

 

He's in his home-town, I was home for 3 days but returning to the city we study in tomorrow. Yesterday was christmas and he waited until then to open my present, which was a book I gave him the day we went home. He sent me 2 photos last night of him holding the book smiling and wrote "Thank you, it made me really happy. Also with the dedication... I am very busy at the moment but I will get in touch tomorrow when I have finally some time. Merry Christmas to you and your family".

Ok, that's a wonderful text, I get it. But he never writes things like "I was thinking of you" or "I miss you" or "Dear" or "baby" or all the other guys i used to date usually wrote.

He is being super formal all the time. Today he wrote "How can I reach you? Your number doesn't seem to be working" and when I wrote him a number to reach me on, he called and we talked for 10 minutes... in which he told me he will stay home for another 2 weeks and won't be able to spend new years with me (which i really hoped he would do, see my last post).

 

So, I am just worried, because I really miss him a lot and I just don't think I can share as much as I want to share with him, since he is with his family and friends and I don't want to bother him or seem clingy.

 

Should I even text him at all or wait for him to get in touch?

Every time I write I either don't get a response or if I get one, its hours or a day later and unrelated to what I wrote.

I've heard from common friends they had the same issue with him. But, if I like someone, I always wanna be talking to them, no?

How can I get this guy to be more active with texting?

I don't want to demand it from him. Is there a way to ask nicely?

Sorry you guys for being so insecure again...

I just need some ego boost... I guess.

[winny]

Once again - You cannot make anyone to give you more attention.

They have to do it by their own free will.

 

Don't do anything. Sit tight.

 

If he is interested he will come around and text/ talk to you more.

[mammasita]

Do you say things like "baby" "Hun" "honey" to him in messages? Maybe you need to break the ice?

 

I see your dilemma though and feel your frustration. I don't think you should not text/contact him, but give him the benefit of the doubt while he's home and wait until he returns to school before you bring up the lapse in response time and that you'd like a bit more communication (if it doesn't improve automatically after the holidays).

[happywithlife]

Has he always been formal w/ his texts? My boyfriend was very formal w/ his for the first 2-3 months. He was scared to write something offensive and scare me off. He became more casual and flirty as his confidence in our relationship grew.

[Vogeltron]

I don't understand the whole texting thing. I am in my 20's. Maybe I am old school but prefer to talk to people on the phone. If you want to get in touch with this person. I would actually try to call him on the phone. I am sure if he is into you he will be excited to hear from you.

 

Also FYI, depends on the personality. Some guys even girls aren't all like I miss you every second. They are more reserved with their feelings etc. Kinda like poker face don't always want anyone else to know what they are thinking. Not necessarily a bad thing. Just different.

 

My advice is if you want to get in touch with this guy call him. He already asked for your number which makes me think he would rather communicate with you over the phone.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Dating for 4 weeks. It's been wonderful (see last posts) but also worrisome for me.

Christmas break is here and our communication is BEING WEIRD.

 

He's in his home-town, I was home for 3 days but returning to the city we study in tomorrow. Yesterday was christmas and he waited until then to open my present, which was a book I gave him the day we went home. He sent me 2 photos last night of him holding the book smiling and wrote "Thank you, it made me really happy. Also with the dedication... I am very busy at the moment but I will get in touch tomorrow when I have finally some time. Merry Christmas to you and your family".

Ok, that's a wonderful text, I get it. But he never writes things like "I was thinking of you" or "I miss you" or "Dear" or "baby" or all the other guys i used to date usually wrote.

He is being super formal all the time. Today he wrote "How can I reach you? Your number doesn't seem to be working" and when I wrote him a number to reach me on, he called and we talked for 10 minutes... in which he told me he will stay home for another 2 weeks and won't be able to spend new years with me (which i really hoped he would do, see my last post).

 

So, I am just worried, because I really miss him a lot and I just don't think I can share as much as I want to share with him, since he is with his family and friends and I don't want to bother him or seem clingy.

 

Should I even text him at all or wait for him to get in touch?

Every time I write I either don't get a response or if I get one, its hours or a day later and unrelated to what I wrote.

I've heard from common friends they had the same issue with him. But, if I like someone, I always wanna be talking to them, no?

How can I get this guy to be more active with texting?

I don't want to demand it from him. Is there a way to ask nicely?

Sorry you guys for being so insecure again...

I just need some ego boost... I guess.

 

 

Are you exclusive and officially bf and gf? It would be weird for a proper bf to be so aloof and unresponsive.

 

But if he is ur bf you should feel comfortable enough communicating your needs directly. In an non-combative/confrontational way. So many issues would be avoided/solved quicker if people were for forthright with each other. If you are scared to communicate your needs, that is alarming.

 

I don't think it's needy; everyone goes into relationships with different experiences and even expectations. Once your expectations are made clear, if he doesn't compromise or make an effort to accommodate your needs (AND VICE VERSA) then you are not truly compatible. Two people have to learn each other and compromise to make something work long term. When stuff bothers you (as long as it's not trivial or frivolous respectively), you talk about it to give the other party a fair chance to react accordingly.

 

Also, ditch the serial texting, HONESTLY. I am 26 and I will let guys know from the beginning I detest incessant texting. I prefer less texting, more in person and phone time. Too much is lost in translation via text and it sets the precedence for lazy and impersonal communication. I am purposely "horrible at texting" to discourage people from spending 2hrs texting me when if they are not working/in school/somewhere they can't talk it's laziness and marginal effort. IF you have that much to say pick up the phone. Serious convos also should be on the phone/in person.

 

Moreover, understand people have different communication styles and love languages/ways of expressing emotions and/or affection. Everyone isn't into mushy nick names. However, I think maybe you can casually say, "I just love pet/nick names. I think I will call you poo bear, what pet name would you give me?" Something like that so it's a bit more inconspicuous and more of a subtle suggestion rather than a demand or whining.

Edited December 26, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[Kizza]

Your doing a great job of pushing him away as a result of your insecurity.

 

If you don't want to push him away then do the opposite of what you have been doing.

[the_entertainer1]

I dated a guy (without it officially being 'a relationship', or ever getting 'serious') for around 5 months earlier in the year.

 

He was nice and had good manners, but was also very formal in both his communication and actions. Sounds kinda like the guy you're dating! Turns out, he was very inexperienced. I kind of invited myself to his place, and it was the first time he'd had a girl over! I was inexperienced too, so I think that the two of us just never got comfortable with each other - so things didn't work out.

 

But what I think you need to do, is to try and establish a more comfortable relationship with him. Perhaps 'tease' him about being formal? Also - a very experienced, older male friend of mine (who gives me lots of advice about dating!) tells me that guys don't really like to text. So that could be why he doesn't initiate ...

 

Good luck!

[lamaga]

I dated a guy (without it officially being 'a relationship', or ever getting 'serious') for around 5 months earlier in the year.

 

He was nice and had good manners, but was also very formal in both his communication and actions. Sounds kinda like the guy you're dating! Turns out, he was very inexperienced. I kind of invited myself to his place, and it was the first time he'd had a girl over! I was inexperienced too, so I think that the two of us just never got comfortable with each other - so things didn't work out.

 

But what I think you need to do, is to try and establish a more comfortable relationship with him. Perhaps 'tease' him about being formal? Also - a very experienced, older male friend of mine (who gives me lots of advice about dating!) tells me that guys don't really like to text. So that could be why he doesn't initiate ...

 

Good luck!

 

He's not inexperienced. He's really good in bed and has a 2 year relationship before. But I DO think he might be intimidated sometimes by MY experience - I am 5 years older.

 

 

Are you exclusive and officially bf and gf? It would be weird for a proper bf to be so aloof and unresponsive.

 

But if he is ur bf you should feel comfortable enough communicating your needs directly. In an non-combative/confrontational way. So many issues would be avoided/solved quicker if people were for forthright with each other. If you are scared to communicate your needs, that is alarming.

 

I don't think it's needy; everyone goes into relationships with different experiences and even expectations. Once your expectations are made clear, if he doesn't compromise or make an effort to accommodate your needs (AND VICE VERSA) then you are not truly compatible. Two people have to learn each other and compromise to make something work long term. When stuff bothers you (as long as it's not trivial or frivolous respectively), you talk about it to give the other party a fair chance to react accordingly.

 

Also, ditch the serial texting, HONESTLY. I am 26 and I will let guys know from the beginning I detest incessant texting. I prefer less texting, more in person and phone time. Too much is lost in translation via text and it sets the precedence for lazy and impersonal communication. I am purposely "horrible at texting" to discourage people from spending 2hrs texting me when if they are not working/in school/somewhere they can't talk it's laziness and marginal effort. IF you have that much to say pick up the phone. Serious convos also should be on the phone/in person.

 

Moreover, understand people have different communication styles and love languages/ways of expressing emotions and/or affection. Everyone isn't into mushy nick names. However, I think maybe you can casually say, "I just love pet/nick names. I think I will call you poo bear, what pet name would you give me?" Something like that so it's a bit more inconspicuous and more of a subtle suggestion rather than a demand or whining.

 

We are exclusive. he told me he is not sleeping with anybody else and he told me he won't be seeing anybody over break! He said he likes me and wants to be with only me. We never used the term "relationship" or "boyfriend and girlfriend" though... He's REALLY SLOW!

 

 

I don't understand the whole texting thing. I am in my 20's. Maybe I am old school but prefer to talk to people on the phone. If you want to get in touch with this person. I would actually try to call him on the phone. I am sure if he is into you he will be excited to hear from you.

 

Also FYI, depends on the personality. Some guys even girls aren't all like I miss you every second. They are more reserved with their feelings etc. Kinda like poker face don't always want anyone else to know what they are thinking. Not necessarily a bad thing. Just different.

 

My advice is if you want to get in touch with this guy call him. He already asked for your number which makes me think he would rather communicate with you over the phone.

 

Yeah, I know he is bad at texting.. But I can't call him - I don't have his number... We both study in Holland and right now we are both home, in Germany. I only have his Dutch number So I can't call him.

 

Has he always been formal w/ his texts? My boyfriend was very formal w/ his for the first 2-3 months. He was scared to write something offensive and scare me off. He became more casual and flirty as his confidence in our relationship grew.

 

Yes, he's been formal. Sometimes he writes cute things, but only if I write really cute things as well... Maybe he will warm up with time? I feel like he slowly is...

 

Sounds like he wants some space - so give it to him. Personally I feel formality and love are in two opposite hemispheres of my brain. I speak very formally to women who are bothering me, unattractive, or I'm uninterested in. Worst case scenario he is with another women in his home town... Just let him be and see him when he gets back home. Sometimes when people get away from town they want to get away from the people in that town too so they can reset.

 

Yes, perhaps he wants space, but then why did he call me? He didn't have to. He was the he who texted "How can I reach you?" and he was the one who sent pictures of him with my christmas present for him.

That's the thing, he is not a back-and-forth texter, he just writes one text a day or so, and that's it. :/

I get he wants to get away from the town we live in and he is seeing all his friends at home and his family, that's wonderful. I doubt he is with anyone else, he told me he won't see anybody over break, there is just me.

 

Do you say things like "baby" "Hun" "honey" to him in messages? Maybe you need to break the ice?

 

I see your dilemma though and feel your frustration. I don't think you should not text/contact him, but give him the benefit of the doubt while he's home and wait until he returns to school before you bring up the lapse in response time and that you'd like a bit more communication (if it doesn't improve automatically after the holidays).

 

I want to break the ice, but I have no clue how.... I never write nicknames. I am not sure which one I could use.

Babe?

 

[Fondue]

I am always very formal in my texts and don't write them all day long. It's not that he is unattracted to you or anything, it just is what it is. Some men are like this.

 

I frequently (read: almost always) use "Ms.Lastname" in my texts, or at the very least, write out their whole name-- not nickname. It just seems more appropriate this way. I think of texting like sending a letter to a friend. That's why mine are often very long and get all my ideas/thoughts across, so as to not feel the need to bounce back/forth all day. It is unnecessary. I don't use texts to flirt, "get to know" someone, or anything similar.

 

The girl I been dating since summer... I am still texting her in the same exact way I have been since day one. Infrequent, long, and very formal. No pet names-- ever. Not in person, not in text. It hasn't affected my relationship one bit. At least, not that I am aware of.

 

Don't be too worried about it. It is just difference in communication styles.

[lamaga]

I am always very formal in my texts and don't write them all day long. It's not that he is unattracted to you or anything, it just is what it is. Some men are like this.

 

I frequently (read: almost always) use "Ms.Lastname" in my texts, or at the very least, write out their whole name-- not nickname. It just seems more appropriate this way. I think of texting like sending a letter to a friend. That's why mine are often very long and get all my ideas/thoughts across, so as to not feel the need to bounce back/forth all day. It is unnecessary. I don't use texts to flirt, "get to know" someone, or anything similar.

 

The girl I been dating since summer... I am still texting her in the same exact way I have been since day one. Infrequent, long, and very formal. No pet names-- ever. Not in person, not in text. It hasn't affected my relationship one bit. At least, not that I am aware of.

 

Don't be too worried about it. It is just difference in communication styles.

 

I know, I mean, of course he is attracted to me. He said I am the most beautiful, most sexy and most interesting person he has ever met. And we have a great sex life and whenever we are together we laugh a lot, have so much fun and get along wonderfully. Even though we don't have that many things in common (he likes different music, is not very cultured), he is very interested in the things I show him and he likes learning new things. And even though we have amazing chemistry and everyone notices it as well... our friends think we are super cute together and fit well, and everything is perfect... JUST NOT THE COMMUNICATION WHEN WE ARE NOT TOGETHER (((

[ThatMan]

Just try to relax and enjoy the season. You can try to get in contact with him in a way that's reasonable. Do you have a history of being excessive about it?

 

I think you should ask him for a phone number to call. Maybe even ask when it would be okay to try to get in touch with him. Just one simple phone call seems very reasonable to me. Hearing your voice makes the conversation for personal and intimate for him. I also think that, (especially during the holidays), that hand written letters are more meaningful and appropriate.

[anna121]

What you call "formal", I call literate.

 

OMG - someone who actually communicates using entire sentences! RUN!!!

 

if texting is a deal breaker, then go ahead and make it one. But it seems really….foolish.

 

Honestly - he sounds quite considerate and mature. He just doesn't sound like an airhead when he texts.

[nomadic_butterfly]

What you call "formal", I call literate.

 

OMG - someone who actually communicates using entire sentences! RUN!!!

 

if texting is a deal breaker, then go ahead and make it one. But it seems really….foolish.

 

Honestly - he sounds quite considerate and mature. He just doesn't sound like an airhead when he texts.

 

Lol. I kinda think the age gap and with them being so young the OP might have more and definitely different past experiences. To me he sounds totally into her but they just have different expectations.

[d0nnivain]

You're over thinking it again.

 

 

Christmas with family is not the easiest time to stay in touch with an SO. You already got more than you thought you were going to get so enjoy it & stop making yourself nuts.

[Vogeltron]

What you call "formal", I call literate.

 

OMG - someone who actually communicates using entire sentences! RUN!!!

 

if texting is a deal breaker, then go ahead and make it one. But it seems really….foolish.

 

Honestly - he sounds quite considerate and mature. He just doesn't sound like an airhead when he texts.

 

I don't understand Europeans myself. The men are basically chicks so who knows WTF is going on there. Sadly in a large part of America it is getting to be the same way. If you are woman in America and your man texts you, plays video games, plays soccer or owns a Frisbee. You might as well just date a chick.

[lamaga]

I don't understand Europeans myself. The men are basically chicks so who knows WTF is going on there. Sadly in a large part of America it is getting to be the same way. If you are woman in America and your man texts you, plays video games, plays soccer or owns a Frisbee. You might as well just date a chick.

 

I am confused as to what your view on this whole thing is.

[GravityMan]

What you call "formal", I call literate.

 

OMG - someone who actually communicates using entire sentences! RUN!!!

 

if texting is a deal breaker, then go ahead and make it one. But it seems really….foolish.

 

Honestly - he sounds quite considerate and mature. He just doesn't sound like an airhead when he texts.

 

This! I didn't get a "formal" vibe from his Christmas text at all. He's being considerate. Just some well put-together sentences that indicated that he actually took some stuff to heart in his grade-school English classes. He may just be the type who's thinks that "texting-speak" and "sexting" are silly.

 

However, I can see why some people are a little uncomfortable around those who talk in a way similar to this guy...especially those people who aren't used to that kind of talk. It may give off the impression (rightly or wrongly) that the literate person is a little uptight and trying a bit too hard to impress or please others, instead of simply being himself. I wonder if lamaga's guy communicates like that around HIS friends, especially his male friends. If he's more casual and willing to use slang and cut corners with his talk with his buddies, then that may indicate confidence issues (try-hard) on his part when he's around lamaga.

 

I definitely agree with the majority here though that lamaga just needs to chill, considering the time of year. We can't say for sure yet if there's actually an issue here. Give it a little time. If the guy really likes her then he will definitely reach out to her very soon. And as for his communication style - it could be the above, or it could just be the way he is (and/or the way he was raised) and he's comfortable with that.

[lamaga]

This! I didn't get a "formal" vibe from his Christmas text at all. He's being considerate. Just some well put-together sentences that indicated that he actually took some stuff to heart in his grade-school English classes. He may just be the type who's thinks that "texting-speak" and "sexting" are silly.

 

However, I can see why some people are a little uncomfortable around those who talk in a way similar to this guy...especially those people who aren't used to that kind of talk. It may give off the impression (rightly or wrongly) that the literate person is a little uptight and trying a bit too hard to impress or please others, instead of simply being himself. I wonder if lamaga's guy communicates like that around HIS friends, especially his male friends. If he's more casual and willing to use slang and cut corners with his talk with his buddies, then that may indicate confidence issues (try-hard) on his part when he's around lamaga.

 

I definitely agree with the majority here though that lamaga just needs to chill, considering the time of year. We can't say for sure yet if there's actually an issue here. Give it a little time. If the guy really likes her then he will definitely reach out to her very soon. And as for his communication style - it could be the above, or it could just be the way he is (and/or the way he was raised) and he's comfortable with that.

 

 

He is definitely a confident guy, and very non-formal around his friends. And I have seen him text with friends or his sister.

Today he texted me "I see you Sunday, I hope, Greetings to *name of cat*"

-- He is very weird in texting. Starting to think he is just not good at it.

Just very different from his real-life-persona.

Will now have to wait for Sunday, it seems.

 

Should I write back?

[anna121]

Of course you should write back. It can be very short, but it's just polite to respond.

[Spiraldestroyer]

I know, I mean, of course he is attracted to me. He said I am the most beautiful, most sexy and most interesting person he has ever met. And we have a great sex life and whenever we are together we laugh a lot, have so much fun and get along wonderfully. Even though we don't have that many things in common (he likes different music, is not very cultured), he is very interested in the things I show him and he likes learning new things. And even though we have amazing chemistry and everyone notices it as well... our friends think we are super cute together and fit well, and everything is perfect... JUST NOT THE COMMUNICATION WHEN WE ARE NOT TOGETHER (((

 

Have a nice chat with him and just ask what he wants with you in the future~Then try to slowly get a grasp of what he is expecting in a relationship so that all may go well! All the best

[lamaga]

Soooo, turns out he is spending New Years Eve with his friends in the city of sin... He just told me on Facebook chat.

And after New Years, he is leaving again for a week to visit friends and family.

But he is coming home tomorrow for a day and said he wants to see me.

Will see if this is for a booty call or an actual date. I miss him and will see if he missed me too...

He's been weird today with his communication but hopefully everything will make sense when I see him tomorrow.

I am quite excited.

[d0nnivain]

Any chance you will be invited on the NYE trip?

[lamaga]

Any chance you will be invited on the NYE trip?

 

I doubt it. He is partying with his 3 best buddies from home. And I have already plans with 3 of my friends as well...