sambo77 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Well...I hope everyone had a good one. I'm tucking myself in...at 23.07 on Christmas Day...about 3 months to the day we went NC. My son is sleeping across the room. We're at my folks' place in Cambridge. He had a great day...wants to be a scientist...so asked Santa to bring him a microscope and science kit. I have been subconsciously dreading Christmas. (a) In my head it was internalized as a sort of litmus test for whether my ex (who I still love...I admit) had any impetus whatsoever to get in touch. If anything was gonna provoke her to contact me I'd have thought the big 25/12 would have been it. Turns out it wasn't...heard nothing from her at all. I can't say I wasn't disappointed. Did she think of me at all? Did she want to get in touch (like I did)...but stubbornly refused (like I did)? Or maybe I'm just a distant, distant memory? (b) It hurt a bit when my brain (inevitably) started fecking around creating imaginary scenarios of how she was likely having an awesome time. Loving her life, "sans" our relationship, maybe opening a small present (worst case scenario...an engagement ring) from the hypothetical (but have no idea if it's true or not) new guy I've hypothesized she's dating (worst case scenario again). But that wore off and I recognized that the worst case scenario isn't the likely reality...STOP doing that brain...you're meant to be on MY side...you're MY brain FFS?! © Yeah...it stung to be around some happy couples at this time of year. Again, my brain liked showing me images of what "might have been" had me and the ex been together for this one. Cosy, romantic, ideal imagery flooded in. Again, the reality would have been that her obsession for designer goods and drinking to excess (and my quite moderate enthusiasm for Christmas per se) may well have muddied those "ideal" scenes a bit. Again, my brain is likely a rubbish simulator. All in all, I enjoyed today. I ate Turkey. I enjoyed my Christmas Dinner. I did the family games BS...and enjoyed it. I, like a good sport, begrudgingly wore those paper hats as I pulled crackers over the course of the day. I did science experiments with my son's new kit (we even made replica tapeworms?!). I enjoyed time with my family and especially my son. I had fun. It didn't hurt like I thought it would. But I was confronted by the issues I had predicted...and I thought of her a lot. I missed her. I miss her. Now it has all passed...without a word spoken from either of us...it has brought a greater sense of certainty that I'll probably never see her again. It's like..."if "Xmas" (the big 25/12!) can go by without so much as a word, then so can any given day, and any other after that, and so on and so forth...until a lifetime passes"... ...and that makes me sad...I think that's why I didn't want today to come around... 5
FortunateSon Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I couldn't have articulated my feelings better myself, well said Sambo. 1
StyleOnEm Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Wow. Very profound, Sambo. You have a gift, my man. The right woman will see it, and will never let you go. Stay focused on things that matter, things you can control. Merry Christmas.
LadyM Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 You write, and express yourself, beautifully. Always a pleasure to read your posts.
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