What Is My Ex Really Doing?

[TwoMelo]

First a little background... I have custody of my two children. My ex wife left us for another man who she is still with.

 

A few months ago my ex wife indirectly let me know that she still had some feelings for me. After a school meeting we both attended for our kids she had a little breakdown, crying, saying I would never forgive her, asking why I haven't dumped my then gf, etc. Since then, my ex wife and I have been talking on the phone at least 5 times a week (most of the time at least 2 hours each time) and have met up (for dinner or just conversation) about 6 or seven times. I did break up with my gf a month after my ex wife has her mini meltdown and also moved (myself and my children) out to our own house 2 months later.

 

 

I don't know what my ex is really doing. Our kids have noticed how often we communicate and they are getting a little hopeful. She does everything a person can do to show she is interested in getting back together except actually say she wants to get back together. I initially told her that if we get back together I would like to date her first. She responded by saying "why would I have to date you? I already know you." I took that to mean that she wanted to immediately move right back in if we get together.

 

The weekend before I officially moved into my new place, my ex wife called and told me about a fight her and her bf had earlier that day (really big fight). Why would she tell me about that? She knows how I feel about her. This was the first time she even admitted any discord in her relationship.

 

What is weird is that when I bring up reconciling she says, "if I do break up with my bf, I am just gonna be by myself." The truth is, she's deathly scared of being alone and has never been alone. The time alone would do her good and allow us to date freely and see if this is real or not. I just don't know why she acts like she doesnt want to get back together?? Is she just scared that I might say no aka, we need to date first? Is she just embarrassed to admit that she should have never left her family for this man that she obviously doesn't love? Does she just want me to break up with my gf and never have any other intentions?

 

Sorry for the length of this post but any thoughts would be appreciated...

[iworthmore]

you really want her back after doing what she did??? r u serious? u can keep contact for ur kids but working to get her back?? she left her family for guy that now she might having trouble with and realized how great family life is and not because she love's you.

please never take her back. ur kids will grow up and be fine. just don't fall into that trap again. once cheater always cheater.

[mammasita]

Oooooooh heck no. Major flaw in your plan......SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

 

How can you even take this woman seriously and believe that she wants to work on things and she misses you when she is f*cking some other man?

 

She needs time alone and to work on herself.

[TwoMelo]

Oooooooh heck no. Major flaw in your plan......SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

 

How can you even take this woman seriously and believe that she wants to work on things and she misses you when she is f*cking some other man?

 

She needs time alone and to work on herself.

 

 

I agree. She won't talk to me in front of him, even if it is business about our kids. Her boyfriend doesn't know how much we have been talking or that we've gone out to eat or anything.

 

The f*cking another man is the exact thing I told her when we last spoke. I have backed off a little bit since.

[TwoMelo]

you really want her back after doing what she did??? r u serious? u can keep contact for ur kids but working to get her back?? she left her family for guy that now she might having trouble with and realized how great family life is and not because she love's you.

please never take her back. ur kids will grow up and be fine. just don't fall into that trap again. once cheater always cheater.

 

 

I do lover her. Not the cheating her, but the her that very few people have ever seen. I'm not totally blind, which is why I wanted to date - to see if she has changed and to make sure this is what we both want. It's just her conflicting actions have me unsure of her motives.

 

I know my kids willbe fine. This is about her and I. I am not sure that keeping in contact with her is what's best either. We hardly ever talk about the kids when we do talk.

[mammasita]

I agree. She won't talk to me in front of him, even if it is business about our kids. Her boyfriend doesn't know how much we have been talking or that we've gone out to eat or anything.

 

The f*cking another man is the exact thing I told her when we last spoke. I have backed off a little bit since.

 

If I were you I wouldn't even be talking to her or taking her out to dinner. From where I'm sitting it seems like she's trying to keep you wrapped around her finger so no matter which direction she decides to go.....and she literally sounds like she makes her decisions based on the way the wind is blowing......she has a back up plan. That's not a person you need in your life, and especially not in your kids life.

[bubbaganoosh]

Open your eyes for a minuet and look at the situation. She left your for the OM.

 

Then she tells you that she still has feelings for you. You start talking to he via the phone, then have dinner with her a half dozen times.

 

She has a boy friend. Same guy she left you for and I'll bet the house that he has no idea that she's talking to you on the phone and having dinner with you 6 or 7 times, so what do you have here?

 

She's cheating on her boyfriend to go out with you. The same boy friend she cheated on you with and left you for him.

 

Define for me trustworthy. Better yet, ask her to define the word.

 

Friend. She's playing both ends to the middle in this game and so far you can't see it.

 

I'll give her credit. She really knows how to shuffle the cards so she gets all the aces. If you can't see that she's playing both of you then your blind as a bat. Get away from this woman because if you don't, you'll be here again in the near future pouring your heart out or whats left of it about how she gas lighted you again.

[Survivor12]

I do lover her. Not the cheating her, but the her that very few people have ever seen. I'm not totally blind, which is why I wanted to date - to see if she has changed and to make sure this is what we both want. It's just her conflicting actions have me unsure of her motives.

 

I know my kids willbe fine. This is about her and I. I am not sure that keeping in contact with her is what's best either. We hardly ever talk about the kids when we do talk.

 

It seems pretty obvious that she hasn't changed. She cheated on you, now she's cheating on her bf.

 

1) You say that she's afraid of being alone. & 2) She's been fighting with her bf...1+2= 3) She's keeping you around as her backup. Sorry, but if she really wanted to be with you, she would have ditched the bf already.

 

You're wrong about this not involving the kids. You are allowing them to get their hopes up. They've already gone through the divorce...going through the disappointment a second time will be even worse. Whatsmore, what they are witnessing is your wife cheating AGAIN! Is that something that you really want your children to believe is okay?

 

Wake up! You are allowing your feelings to cloud your judgement and blind you to the reality of the situation. Seriously, you need to stop lying to yourself. She is your EX wife for a reason. Stop thinking that just because you're part of the deception means anything has changed.

[TwoMelo]

It seems pretty obvious that she hasn't changed. She cheated on you, now she's cheating on her bf.

 

1) You say that she's afraid of being alone. & 2) She's been fighting with her bf...1+2= 3) She's keeping you around as her backup. Sorry, but if she really wanted to be with you, she would have ditched the bf already.

 

Wake up! You are allowing your feelings to cloud your judgement and blind you to the reality of the situation. Seriously, you need to stop lying to yourself. She is your EX wife for a reason. Stop thinking that just because you're part of the deception means anything has changed.

 

i agree, i do feel like a backup. i feel like i was her backup when she left me for him in the first place. the only thing is... i know she doesnt love her bf... i know she doesnt even like him. that doesnt really mean anything, but those are the things that make me dumb in this situation. besides, she started this. i cant lie... it made me feel good to finally know that she even thought of me like this still. i know it isnt really worth much, im just being honest.

 

i sound like an idiot, but i try to take everything into consideration when thinking about this situation... she doesnt handle conflict, change, or anything hard in a particularly grown-up or sophisticated manner. she's scared of her own shadow. i believe i am the love of her life, and she might not be able to handle the changes I have made in my life or simply having a grown-up relationship. her bf is safe for her. he doesnt challenge her, doesnt question anything, and has no goals or aspirations for himself or her.

 

all of that being said, i am not as dumb as i seem. i have realized over this past week that she hasnt really changed (at least in regards to how she handles her relationships). i am trying to give this a full think-through and get as many opinions as i possibly can before making a final decision. Thanks for your thoughts.

[TwoMelo]

Open your eyes for a minuet and look at the situation. She left your for the OM.

 

Then she tells you that she still has feelings for you. You start talking to he via the phone, then have dinner with her a half dozen times.

 

She has a boy friend. Same guy she left you for and I'll bet the house that he has no idea that she's talking to you on the phone and having dinner with you 6 or 7 times, so what do you have here?

 

She's cheating on her boyfriend to go out with you. The same boy friend she cheated on you with and left you for him.

 

Define for me trustworthy. Better yet, ask her to define the word.

 

Friend. She's playing both ends to the middle in this game and so far you can't see it.

 

I'll give her credit. She really knows how to shuffle the cards so she gets all the aces. If you can't see that she's playing both of you then your blind as a bat. Get away from this woman because if you don't, you'll be here again in the near future pouring your heart out or whats left of it about how she gas lighted you again.

 

 

he is definitely playing both sides. he doesnt know what we have been up to, but he knows something is up. he has changed his work schedule, comes with her to drop off our kids after her visitation weekends, and calls her every minute he can when they are not together.

 

funny thing about trustworthy... she just recently stated that "you (i) dont trust me." i am still best friends with my ex gf and trust her with my and my kids lives and my ex wife is a little miffed about that. deep down i dont trust her. she has set things up to give herself an out no matter what happens.

 

also, i think she wont admit to anything out loud because she is scared of me outing her to her bf. i have done that in the past, but i would never do that again.

[TwoMelo]

I'm not quite sure what advice to give or how to respond.

 

I did find this online article that discusses different hurdles we face in restoring relationships that may be helpful.

 

Praying for you!

 

 

thanks for the link

[thora-tiki]

@ TwoMelo

 

I know it seems a lot easier to have an affair with a woman whose boyfriend is someone she doesn't like,

doesn't love - she tells you he is boring, insulting, selfish in bed, talks in his sleep,

gives lame presents to her/your kids,

they fight, etc. (I made up some of the boyfriends bad qualities, hope you don't mind...).

Even if she complains, tells you her relationship stinks,

it obviously isn't that bad, or she would break up with him.

 

She knows how to do that, break up, since that is what she did to you.

 

No matter what she tells you, you are still helping her cheat on her boyfriend.

 

Let's agree you are better than that.

 

You want love.

And you finally thought you found it, with her, then she cheated on you,

and broke up with you, found someone new, then she cheats on the new boyfriend, with you.

(Just what you dreamed of as a young man!)

 

You deserve a good life. We all do.

 

A life with someone that is free to be with you.

 

Someone that knows what they want,

that isn't afraid of her shadow, that isn't afraid of being alone,

someone that is capable of showing you and the world who she is.

 

Right now, that is not this woman, she may become that, but right now,

I bet the boyfriend, if you were able to read his mind,

I bet he is going through the exact same emotions as you did and still are going through.

 

You have convinced yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with

«the best person in the world.»

 

You know without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again.

 

You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as

wonderful as your ex-wife (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here).

 

If you were not so afraid of the unknown, you'd be able to see what we see, that:

Now we know, how low she will go (cheat), to get her own way (i.e. never having to be alone,

never having to evolve from an insensitive douche bag to at least a human being).

 

You want a real woman, not a coward.

 

She just wants her cake, and eat it too.

 

Once you are strong enough on your own, you will attract the right woman - focus on that.

 

But before you are even ready to meet her, the right one for you, you need to focus on you.

 

Our pin point focus on just one man, one woman (instead of true love) is ridiculous.

The perfect woman is out there waiting for you, but you're hiding behind the drama and self-pity,

so she can't come to you, only pity, because that is what you're attracting to yourself.

 

Do you want real love or just pity?

 

I read this on how to kick loves ass:

«This is all you need to focus on, your gut instinct is telling you this situation stinks.

When people feel comfortable they are not CONFUSED...right?

(my comment, this is gold ^)

 

You are confused because she is changing, and evolution is a part of life,

some people change for the better, and some change for the worse.

What does your consciousness (gut) tell you about this change?

 

Focus on "actions" not words, and this will verify your gut feeling... after that,

take the appropriate action, and cut-ties with any person that you feel you can no longer trust,

especially the one's that think it's appropriate to just pile their insecurities/problems upon their friends,

instead of dealing with them.

 

I have had to cut ties with many "close" friends because they became different people,

and expected me to slide backwards with them... no thank you!»

 

Your best plan of action would be to remain calm (and polite), and focus on you.

 

Keep the conversations you have about the children, nothing about the old failed relationship

or her new relationship,

just the children, daycare, new clothes for the children, etc.

 

Maybe do this:

Before you go no contact on her, I found this no contact message for when children are involved

from the forum howtokicklovesass.com.

 

Text her:

«Hi, Her Name

I finally agree with you about your decision to divorce,

I really believe it was the best thing for both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me during this time unless it is about the children.

I will be in touch when I am ready.»

 

So she knows you are not ignoring her, you just need space.

 

If you just cut off contact, then you could very easily send the wrong signals,

such as never wanting to speak to her again.

 

With the no contact message ^, she knows you just want your own time,

that she can talk to you about the children, and you'll be in touch when you are ready -

if you decide to.

 

Let her discover her mistakes:

divorcing you, cheating on you and then with you,

on her own.

 

What matters is what you believe and how you feel.

 

If you feel bad, things will stay bad.

If you feel you can get your life back, and be happy without your ex,

you will get your life back.

 

As I see it, these are the only steps for the next months in 2014:

To evolve past the break up, focus on you and your children,

and become happy (again) as a single person.

 

When you do this you will soon see that the rest will fall into place.

 

Do not allow your feelings to drag you into a dark place.

 

What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before?

 

Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.

[TwoMelo]

@thora-tiki

 

That was without a doubt the best response to a post I’ve ever gotten on any message board EVER. Thank you very much. 90% of your stuff was spot-on. The other 10% was only wrong because you don’t have all of the information (which of course is not your fault).

 

I don’t believe my ex wants both men (myself and her boyfriend); I think that she and I getting back together is a public admission of guilt that she may not be able to handle. She can tell me privately, but that is different than having to essentially tell everyone else how wrong she is. Of course just coming clean and not caring what others think would be best, but not everyone can do that. I know for a fact that there are some people who might not have the capacity for rational and/or contemplative decision making. She is probably one of them.

 

Most people will look at that statement as an enabler who is not thinking straight, but I do actually believe that. What if it is my destiny to help her understand a new path - A better path to handling things that involves honesty, trust, love? Is that crazy? Most posts I read here treat the other person as if they are consciously doing things to hurt their spouse/ex/significant other when in fact a lot of people don’t even realize some of the things they are doing and how those actions may be affecting those around them.

 

I’m not crazy. I have changed a lot about myself since the divorce and have accomplished a ton of things I probably would have never done without this breakup. These words above do not mean that I am going to kowtow to this woman and let her walk all over me. In fact I have been NC since posting this thread and remain so until she changes some things and at the very least she is single. I just don’t want anyone to think that I am just blindly considering reconciliation without thinking about the consequences or garnering more information (like the opinions of people here).

 

Love is fickle and in my dealings it has rarely been black and white.

 

[Inspiteofrselves]

I just want to put it out there... I am usually the one getting yelled at for my "love takes work" "don't be selfish!" Mentality... But here's the thing... If you were 25 and unmarried... I would say go for it. But, man, this woman did this to two children.

 

You seem like a devoted, faithful man. This wasn't a mistake she made, it was a decision that hurt the most important thing in the world: your kids. That is so against my personal concept of decency and womanhood... I can't even begin to explain how much I think she sucks.

It's not wrong for a mother to leave her children's father... But it is aggregious to do it the way she did.

 

I agree with thora that you sound like a standup guy, and deserve a woman with ad big and considerate a heart as yours.

 

However, no need to feel bad for bf! He's a homewrecker. They deserve each other!

 

I can't imagine how you feel. I have dealt with infidelity but never on that scale. My sympathies to you and your kids, and even your wife for being so damn blind.

 

Good luck!

[Inspiteofrselves]

Also, if you're gonna go with exes... Ex gf/BFF sounds like a serious catch!

[TwoMelo]

I just want to put it out there... I am usually the one getting yelled at for my "love takes work" "don't be selfish!" Mentality... But here's the thing... If you were 25 and unmarried... I would say go for it. But, man, this woman did this to two children.

 

How do you know I'm not 25? LOL.

 

The kids is what makes this situation so tough. I believe in forgive and let live, but man some days I think "no f**ing way! She left her kids!" I know she is sorry. We can't even discuss it without her breaking down into tears.

 

Also, she may have made her mistakes (and her mistakes are HUGE) but I had a 50% stake in why our relationship didn't make it the first time. It has been a while now and I am a much different person now than I was then, but I take full responsibility for my part in the divorce and have told her as much. I feel like a fraud when someone talks about how bad she is. While I haven't done what she has done, I was no saint and probably deserved to be left (not in that way, but you know what I mean).

 

I refused to talk to her for years, and carried a lot of resentment and bitterness but have learned to put that behind me. I hate when people hold my past transgressions against me for long periods of time so I try not to do it to others. It is hard though, I feel like my children can't defend themselves and their hurt over what happened, so I defend it for them most times.

 

Anyway, this site is the best. The feedback has been great and very informative. Thanks for the well wishes!

[Survivor12]

How do you know I'm not 25? LOL.

 

The kids is what makes this situation so tough. I believe in forgive and let live, but man some days I think "no f**ing way! She left her kids!" I know she is sorry. We can't even discuss it without her breaking down into tears.

 

Also, she may have made her mistakes (and her mistakes are HUGE) but I had a 50% stake in why our relationship didn't make it the first time. It has been a while now and I am a much different person now than I was then, but I take full responsibility for my part in the divorce and have told her as much. I feel like a fraud when someone talks about how bad she is. While I haven't done what she has done, I was no saint and probably deserved to be left (not in that way, but you know what I mean).

 

I refused to talk to her for years, and carried a lot of resentment and bitterness but have learned to put that behind me. I hate when people hold my past transgressions against me for long periods of time so I try not to do it to others. It is hard though, I feel like my children can't defend themselves and their hurt over what happened, so I defend it for them most times.

 

Anyway, this site is the best. The feedback has been great and very informative. Thanks for the well wishes!

 

Good for you putting the past behind you...but what she is doing is not in the past-it's now. She hasn't changed.

 

As for your kids, since you do care so much about their well-being, consider how much harder it would be for them to have to go through the same thing all over again...or how healthy it is to sit by watching their mother playing two men while their dad participates in the deception.