billyjotomas Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Hi everyone new to the forum, but have read bits over the years and only thing i damn myself for is not reading enough of as the minds on here are incredible...analysis of relationships, to the psychology of love and attraction...it truly an eye opener. I know my situation is not unique, but its feels it to me. My partner of 8 years and several months has broken up with me 2 days before Xmas. We were incredibly close, and had our ups and downs but for me we had a good patch as of late. Background-(sorry long winded but i want to give as much detail as possible.) We lived together for 4 years which was quite hard as it was the wrong city (Bristol) for both of us (no friends no family) but we overcame it and that was 18 months ago, but because im changing jobs (doing a course so jobless) at the moment, ive moved home and this has been like that for 12 months whilst she lived with her parents. We live hundreds of miles away from each other but again we did this early in the relationship too when we were both at university. The plan was for me to finish the electrician course which is Feb and move up together after. I would say she is the nicest person ive ever met, the closet person ive ever been to, and in my mind the love of my life. We had issues but to me those were things we should overcome. She wasnt one to throw tantrums or give me hard time but at times her lack of standing up for me or being quite reserved and showing a lack of affection was apparent. Again though there were huge positives, could talk for hours, great chemistry, sex life and we spoke every day for 8 years. Id say the major problem was the city where we just had each other and when i had an accident on my motorbike i got very fat, and became depressed, but i wasn't at my best a lot of arguments but that was so long ago. This past Sunday she phoned to say she wasnt in love with me anymore, she wanted to still be friends (I know the classic line) but again she dosent play minds games like other girls, but i also know everyone to some degree plays them consciously or unconscionably. I was upset as I had consistently envisioned a future together I had order engagement rings (paid deposit) and I will be 34 this January. I wanted to propose on this coming Valentines day...several weekends back she came to visit and we had bought Xmas shopping for everyone and all seemed fine. The problem occurred when her father told her (week before Xmas) that a colleague called Dee (only worked together a few jobs) of his had told him that i had been inappropriate whilst on a stag do in Cardiff (this is untrue) 3 years ago. Apparently i was groping women, being lewd, trying to pull, asking all the guys for advice on being a player (its the biggest lie Ive ever heard and still in shock people can be so devious and say bull****). What gets me is that ive met this group only once (stag do), i went because i was invited by Martin who is/was married now/marrying my gf best friend Sophie. The real problem is i saw the best man Martin kiss a girl on his stag do, when i came back i told my gf but she said that her best mate Sophie wouldn't mind as apparently as long he came home to her it was ok and that his stagdo was his send off...to me i thought it was odd and cheating in my eyes (now thinking Martin and Dee have teamed up to discredit me but im not sure to cover themselves). Martin also happened to tell his wife wife Sophie (gf best friend) the same thing....of course so when my gf phoned she said two people have now said it which i find annoying and as it looks worse for me. My gf is very family orientated so for father to say it makes the pressure on her more. What i question is the father motivate...it was the first time she was going to visit me and my family for xmas (of course we have all been on holiday etc but just for xmas first time)...anyhow the father never said an angry word to me, was always nice and accommodating over the last 3 years yet this Dee guy told him 3 years ago so all that time the father never said a word but knew this info?) What hurts is ive never cheated on her, not slept with anyone or kissed anyone and given my heart to her yet im now tarnished and accused of this. Its been 3 days and i haven't contacted her, i deleted her number, and cards, pictures, social network...i did the protocol...i didnt beg etc yet today i got a message saying 'Happy xmas, hope your having a wonderful day? xx' Problem is she just got a phone a month ago so im not sure who it is? But is suspect it her again ive deleted everything and so dont know. I haven't replied but im not sure what to do, the thing is i want to be with her, she is the love of my life...but i keep reading advice on here alot say dont contact them, cut them off but what if you want her. It makes it more difficult for me as this over a phone, like in my mind we should see each other? Again i haven't replied, i mean should i reply and say who is this? Again i feel others have got in the way of our relationship....dont thinker her family want her to move away from her (we weren't planning too) but the fear....also the two guys scheming against me.
Author billyjotomas Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 Just to add, she also told my female cousin that it wasnt just the allegations it was other reasons? But im still not even sure what she is on about. Thinking it over im not sure we even had a proper talk i mean hell it was over the phone...dosent anyone think we should meet up? She msged me or i suspect she has
aelvidge Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 You've been together a long time, she obviously knows you very well and knows your not the cheating kind. If I were here I wouldn't believe anything they said without proof so if she is listening to them she's stupid. Lots of people on here say don't contact the ex but I think if you feel you need to then contact her. I would tell her everything and exactly how you feel and go from there. If she doesn't want to be with you you have to remember you can't force someone on somebody else or make them love you, you have to move on as hard as it is and I know it's a lot easier than it sounds!
Author billyjotomas Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 You've been together a long time, she obviously knows you very well and knows your not the cheating kind. If I were here I wouldn't believe anything they said without proof so if she is listening to them she's stupid. Lots of people on here say don't contact the ex but I think if you feel you need to then contact her. I would tell her everything and exactly how you feel and go from there. If she doesn't want to be with you you have to remember you can't force someone on somebody else or make them love you, you have to move on as hard as it is and I know it's a lot easier than it sounds! Well i did the protocol i mean **** i deleted everything, reading 8 years worth of cards and throwing them away, every object gone, every present. Yet today i get a message, saying merry xmas, hope you have a wonderful day? xx so is that generic or she trying to make contact, is she having second thoughts? Its frustrating because we haven't actually seen each other for i believe 2 weeks, no contact 3 days and now this. Thing is i can tell in her mind she is thinking her father now suspects im a inappropriate or a cheat ( will say one thing, what a coward to do it before xmas, and why never say anything to me? Why be nice to me?) I never had one argument with any of her family. Whats really annoying is that it not even being accused of sleeping around its that im some sexual pest...and for me the worse thing is i havent done anything, not one bit...but how can you win an arguement when you have a bunch of guys teaming up saying your doing this and thart.
Kevin_D Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Most likely she has fallen in love with somebody else. Since you seem to be a nice guy, she needs a reason to break up with you. You now what my ex said? That I was being too controlling, because on our first date, 6.5 years ago, I told her that I would be worried if my girlfriend worked as a bartender in a nightclub. Oh, and I had sounded angry when she asked me if she could borrow a USB cable. I can't say for sure, but I wouldn't believe her reasons for breaking up. Your Mr. Nice Guy and she don't want to be a shallow bitch, so she tries to to put the blame on you, almost making her the victim. 1
realfriends Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Yet today i get a message, saying merry xmas, hope you have a wonderful day? xx so is that generic or she trying to make contact, is she having second thoughts? No. She will tell you straight up. That is what we call breadcrumbs. If she wants to contact you, she knows how to.
Author billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 No. She will tell you straight up. That is what we call breadcrumbs. If she wants to contact you, she knows how to. Thing is though should i reply who is this?
Author billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Most likely she has fallen in love with somebody else. Since you seem to be a nice guy, she needs a reason to break up with you. You now what my ex said? That I was being too controlling, because on our first date, 6.5 years ago, I told her that I would be worried if my girlfriend worked as a bartender in a nightclub. Oh, and I had sounded angry when she asked me if she could borrow a USB cable. I can't say for sure, but I wouldn't believe her reasons for breaking up. Your Mr. Nice Guy and she don't want to be a shallow bitch, so she tries to to put the blame on you, almost making her the victim. I realize this goes on alot but i refuse to believe she would have someone else, she is not the type and she lives at home...just woken up and feel a bit empty at the momement.
Itspointless Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I woudn't go no contact before at least one try of a decent conversation face to face if she is in for it. Do not expect to get answers, but perhaps you will. No contact seems to me the way to go when it is obvious that holding on to hope has no use but make you miserable.
Author billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 I woudn't go no contact before at least one try of a decent conversation face to face if she is in for it. Do not expect to get answers, but perhaps you will. No contact seems to me the way to go when it is obvious that holding on to hope has no use but make you miserable. Its such a hard one dude, im seriously struggling right now aswell. My only worry is that i initiate contact but as someone said its breadcrumbs etc. Thing is my situation is unique in the sense of how it came about...that why i had to write in so much detail, part of me thinks if her father didnt say such a thing etc or her best friend and her husband then maybe she wouldnt feel pressured. Perhaps she thought i wasnt showing enough interest, once around half 4 yrs in we kinda split...she was crying but did it just before a holiday then we reconciled but i was living with her etc it very short period and we spoke and spoke and she was happy again but to be fair i wasnt great at that time, i was always shouting and being unhappy as i had my accident.
Author billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Sorry everyone but i just texted saying ' hey sorry i dont reconise this number but whoever it is merry xmas it is to you to
Author billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Its not her or new number a friend mine called Ryan who havent seen or spoken to in a while....how embarrassing is that sorry guys so i still have my no contact in place 4 days and counting but now im thinking- Why did she split up 3 days before xmas, (Well we had booked train tickets, she didnt want to reimburse mine) She hasnt bothered to contact me so now im like how do you go from everyday to nothing. Also im slightly worried as she has pictures of us, not terrible ones but potentially embarrassing ones im hoping she would delete them. Im feeling crappy and im struggling lol
Itspointless Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 (edited) Its such a hard one dude, im seriously struggling right now aswell. My only worry is that i initiate contact but as someone said its breadcrumbs etc. Thing is my situation is unique in the sense of how it came about.../QUOTE] I believe that every situation is unique in its own way, but if we look we often can see some shared characteristics. Yes it can be breadcrumbs, but for me personally I do not like something to end without a decent meet-up, no matter how long or short it has been. I think people owe that to each-other (if the situation wasn't toxic). Sometimes we are not given that chance. I know it gave me at least one answer that helps me to give it at least some sense: it was circumstantial and she choose to end something that we both where really happy with. I was on the other end when speaking of duration, but it felt and still feels really pointless (hence my nick). Edited December 26, 2013 by Itspointless 1
Author billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Its such a hard one dude, im seriously struggling right now aswell. My only worry is that i initiate contact but as someone said its breadcrumbs etc. Thing is my situation is unique in the sense of how it came about.../QUOTE] I believe that every situation is unique in its own way, but if we look we often can see some shared characteristics. Yes it can be breadcrumbs, but for me personally I do not like something to end without a decent meet-up, no matter how long or short it has been. I think people owe that to each-other (if the situation wasn't toxic). Sometimes we are not given that chance. I know it gave me at least one answer that helps me to give it at least some sense: it was circumstantial and she choose to end something that we both where really happy with. I was on the other end when speaking of duration, but it felt and still feels really pointless (hence my nick). Your nick? So you guys think i should contact her to arrange a meet up? Still very surreal to not talk to someone for 4 days, when you have spoken everyday near enough for 8 years. I just know in her she convinced herself im not what i seem to be which hurts because i dont believe in cheating, i honestly think you should be straight forward...and in the end it seems being that hasnt even helped.
Author billyjotomas Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 struggling now its been 4 weeks since breakup....3 weeks no contact and i havent heard a thing now i feel like i wont find that special someone dont want a girl with children or baggage and im 31 now feel let down .
Author billyjotomas Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 **** it im going to contact her, not really getting any good advice..dont know how you can go from 8 years talking everyday to nothing.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Hey man. I read your post on the other thread. I think it's the long OP that makes it tough initially for people to comb through. Sometimes that happens. Or if a poster does a "wall of text." I will have a look through later today (if I am able to be around).
Author billyjotomas Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Hey man. I read your post on the other thread. I think it's the long OP that makes it tough initially for people to comb through. Sometimes that happens. Or if a poster does a "wall of text." I will have a look through later today (if I am able to be around). i havent contacted her, im just venting....im a bit better...seem to get a few minutes of anger, distraught every few days ...really annoying. 1
DreamLost Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 i havent contacted her, im just venting....im a bit better...seem to get a few minutes of anger, distraught every few days ...really annoying. I agree with ItsPointless. If you really want to save this relationship then don't give up without a fight. YOU NEED TO SEE HER IN PERSON - it is often very difficult to decipher people's tone through text messages. Go talk to her, tell her the truth, with all your sincerity, and let her know you'd do anything to clear up any misunderstandings. From her reaction, you should be able to tell if she still wants to be together. 2
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