Intense First Date, So Unsure??

[Marwiz]

Please go easy on me.. This is completely new and very out of character for me.

 

So about a week ago I met this guy on online, and we started talking and then within an hour we exchanged numbers and started texting. So I was pulling an all-nighter and he was working a night shift so we basically were talking all night nonstop for like 5 or 6 hours and getting along really well. There's a difference I find between being just honest and being open. However, since he was open as well it made it much easier to relate and talk about things.

 

Around 5 am we were talking and I was just saying that it was a shame we would have to wait until I came back from Europe- which is roughly a month- to meet one another. So he suggested that we meet up when he finished work, that morning since we already had already made that connection and bypass all the awkwardness. Then If he and I still had the chemistry in person and our time together went well we would know where we stood with each other when I got back, catch was he lived about 1.5 hours away. He said we would talk, sleep, grab breakfast, hang out go to a beach get to know one another etc. So me being me, I said that kinda makes sense. I'll send a text to a friend to make sure they know where I am..and I'll head off.

 

I got there and immediately I felt comfortable, obviously I was nervous but it was squashed pretty quick. Long story short we ended up sleeping together. Also we were very intimate very quickly in terms of a kiss, it wasn't one of those purely hookup kisses it was very passionate and familiar if that makes sense.

 

Later that morning we went for breakfast, went to the beach talked went for walks, and it was all very relationship-like. We held hands the entire time, he put his hand on my lap while he drove, he kissed me randomly and was describing how and when he could come down to see me and vice versa and was asking how we would talk while I was away in Europe. In my opinion it was a very intense date in the sense that we got along so well, and connected on so many levels. So it was like the comfort, intimacy, connection you get on the 5th date on 1st. Was really good, Then I left for Europe the next day.

 

So it's been almost a week and we've talked here and there since I've left. I had a minor panic attack in hong kong and kinda asked him for reassurance and he said "we had fun and everything was fine and that I should stop worrying and enjoy my holiday" but to me I just feel like because of past situations (being used for a hookup) .. that he just used me for sex..and won't be there when I come back in the capacity that I'd like or that we had talked about-he said he was looking for something between seeing someone and a girlfriend- And I know he's busy However that night he talked to me non stop for almost 8 hours and I don't get that much now mind you I'm 10 hours ahead. It's just very frustrating..because this whole situation was supposed to let us know where we stood when I got back...but I'm freaking out that he won't be there when I get back..

 

He has promised that he doesn't sleep around. He doesn't have time to really meet people. He said that he's met 2 girls and both of them he ended it early because there was nothing there. He also said that this was the first time in a long time he felt something click so fast even without sex. He promised me after it happened that while he enjoyed the sex there is more to a relationship than just that and If he couldn't talk to me he wouldn't even bother. Also the next morning he said that he felt like we should have waited because he didn't want me to feel like he took advantage of me and that it wasn't his honest intention for any of that to happen.

 

He runs his own company and then also has a full time job on the side. So he's always working. But like we haven't been talking last couple days... And I'm just feeling weird. I'm trying to relax but I have so much spare time on vacation to think.

 

I just I want to believe him, but I'm just having trouble.. trusting him and I blame my long term ex a bit for why I'm acting like this which is completely out of character for me...he just lied so much about things he didn't even need to lie about. It's been 2 years since but I still have trouble believing anything..and it's hurting anything potentially new. I just feel like I'm going to mess it up.

 

Any advice on how to get out of my head or signs that I'm in denial and this is actually shady behaviour would be greatly appreciated. I do really like this guy, and have never had a connection like such before. Would like him to be around when I get back.

 

-Thanks, Marwiz

[soccerrprp]

Marwiz,

 

I am sorry you are going through this, but there is NO way to help guarantee that your mind will be eased. There's nothing that this guy said that shows that he is or will be committed to you. Your biggest mistake was having sex with a total stranger, this guy, on the first date, I think. But, that is past and need now step back from this.

 

You say that you have a connection that you've never had before. Well, I would imagine you could say this to every new relationship one has. Already you're making him to be more than you have any clue him to be. Is this connection strong b/c you had sex with him? I suspect so and likely not a REAL connection that you have.

 

You need to step back and wait until you get back. Contact him as much as you feel necessary, but you NEED to step back and see this for what it is....NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

[Marwiz]

Thanks for your response!

 

I agree with some of what you said, about taking a step back until I get back. I just get caught up in my head and own insecurities I think. I've been on quite a few dates as of late and not slept with most of them. I also did not follow up with a second date with all of them because there was no chemistry there, values did not match etc.

 

The reason I'm saying this one had something I've never felt before, is because there was just an honesty about everything that made it seem like I've known you for longer than however long. With all of the other ones, it felt like I just met them and I didn't see it going anywhere. It's very hard to explain a gut feeling you have about something, the connection we both felt was before we met and much before we actually slept together or I wouldn't have allowed it.

 

I have had 1 night stands before and not felt like pursuing anything with them. Which is why I think I know the difference of feeling. We basically had the exclusive talk before I left, we both agreed that we wanted to see eachother when we got back and there was something seriously there so, we didn't think it was fair to make the other person plan and schedule to come up and see one another if we were sleeping with or seeing other people. I know how crazy this sounds and I'm not refuting everything you're saying I definitely agree with some of it.

 

I know it's not a relationship. That's not the problem I'm having. I'm having trouble trusting someone who has done nothing for me to doubt otherwise.

However, like you said " there is NO way to help guarantee that your mind will be eased."

 

Again thank you, I'm honestly taking what you said in.

[soccerrprp]

Marwiz,

 

Agreeing to see each other is not the same as declaring exclusivity. And, not to mention you didn't think it fair to schedule meetings if you two were sleeping with others....am I missing something? This is NOT exclusivity.

 

I know what you mean. It feels like you've known each other longer than you have, but YOU HAVE NOT. This feeling is VERY common with people dating and is misleading in the early stages of a relationship. Keep it in perspective.

[mammasita]

There's no way of knowing. You took a chance and slept with him, and unfortunately that part can't be taken back. You have to pull your head out of the clouds, I know it's easy to get caught up.

 

You knew this guy for mere hours before you slept with him. I'm not discounting your feelings but realistically....WHAT are your feelings based on?

 

Do you know his last name? Do you know if he sleeps with socks on? Do you know if he leaves the toilet seat up? Is he a hoarder? Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? Does he have kids? How does he handle conflict? How does he handle finances?

[Marwiz]

Hi, I understand what you both are saying!

 

I've already admitted that I get caught up in my head and I'm aware this is not a full fledged relationship. I, much like yourselves also do not think it's possible for all of this to happen in that short of a time. However, I will not act as if it didn't and think I am crazy for having gut emotions. I trust my gut always and has not led me astray. So whatever happened and I'm left to deal and process what happened.

 

Despite what you believe, I am not young and naive, I have a great wall of china built up surrounding my emotions and physical encounters and do not let people in easily what so ever. I am aware sex can just be sex. That people don't always mean what they say. Just because you had this crazy encounter does not mean you're in a committed relationship.

 

I'm starting think people are confused about what I asked for? I just asked for suggestions on how to get out of my head for a week or so until I see him again, not why. If this makes sense. He's coming up to see me and meet some of my friends from out of town.

 

Also to answer your question, I do know most of those answers. With the exception of leaving the toilet seat up or down. He had the courtesy to leave it down while I was there. It's amazing what you can learn about a person in 12 hours when they are honest and open.

Edited December 25, 2013 by Marwiz

[MissBee]

I could have posted this myself in the past.

 

I've definitely had the tendency to attract men who would come on hot and heavy and intense in the beginning then would disappear and it was like I would know it would happen, as much as I didn't want it to, I couldn't help the anxiety that it would.

 

However, Marwiz, what's done is done. Do I think you should have slept with him the very first time you met? No. I understand why you did it and how things felt but in my own experience, although I haven't slept with anyone I just met, I know what it feels like to feel very close to someone but in reality you don't know them that well. Hours of texting and doing lovey-dovey stuff can make you feel close but it's not real closeness and intimacy, as you don't know this person at all. Especially as a woman with trust issues, YOU have to be the one to pace yourself. You can't let the man lead in that area, i.e. no matter how good he makes you feel and what he says and how he holds your hand, for your own peace of mind, you should allow yourself to be more established and allow his behavior to be consistent...one night of texting isn't a pattern, it's one night of texting. If you've been hurt a lot or are used to men who vanish, you have to allow yourself time to see where this man is at before letting yourself get too comfortable and before sleeping together or doing other things which will make you become emotionally attached and then anxious.

 

 

ENJOY your trip! If he is sleeping around worrying about it won't change it and if he isn't all you're doing is having a miserable time for no reason. I hope he hasn't used you for sex, but you know what, even if he did, handle it when you get back. ENJOY your vacation! There is lots to do and see. Don't make worrying about this man preoccupy you. See things, do things, there's lots to keep your mind off it. Then check in with him when you're ready or see if he is checking in with you. You can't make a man be around....I know you like him but you also have to be okay with if he's not around. That's what I learned.I would put so much into a man I liked and internalized so much and the sun would rise and set around how he treated me and it was too much. I had to learn to detach who I am and my worth from how some guy perceived it. If a man didn't want to be with me it was okay. It's not that it doesn't hurt, of course it does, esp if you like him but he's just a human being, like any other, and even if he vanishes, you would have learned something from this and there are plenty other people out there.

[Marwiz]

I could have posted this myself in the past.

 

I've definitely had the tendency to attract men who would come on hot and heavy and intense in the beginning then would disappear and it was like I would know it would happen, as much as I didn't want it to, I couldn't help the anxiety that it would.

 

However, Marwiz, what's done is done. Do I think you should have slept with him the very first time you met? No. I understand why you did it and how things felt but in my own experience, although I haven't slept with anyone I just met, I know what it feels like to feel very close to someone but in reality you don't know them that well. Hours of texting and doing lovey-dovey stuff can make you feel close but it's not real closeness and intimacy, as you don't know this person at all. Especially as a woman with trust issues, YOU have to be the one to pace yourself. You can't let the man lead in that area, i.e. no matter how good he makes you feel and what he says and how he holds your hand, for your own peace of mind, you should allow yourself to be more established and allow his behavior to be consistent...one night of texting isn't a pattern, it's one night of texting. If you've been hurt a lot or are used to men who vanish, you have to allow yourself time to see where this man is at before letting yourself get too comfortable and before sleeping together or doing other things which will make you become emotionally attached and then anxious.

 

 

ENJOY your trip! If he is sleeping around worrying about it won't change it and if he isn't all you're doing is having a miserable time for no reason. I hope he hasn't used you for sex, but you know what, even if he did, handle it when you get back. ENJOY your vacation! There is lots to do and see. Don't make worrying about this man preoccupy you. See things, do things, there's lots to keep your mind off it. Then check in with him when you're ready or see if he is checking in with you. You can't make a man be around....I know you like him but you also have to be okay with if he's not around. That's what I learned.I would put so much into a man I liked and internalized so much and the sun would rise and set around how he treated me and it was too much. I had to learn to detach who I am and my worth from how some guy perceived it. If a man didn't want to be with me it was okay. It's not that it doesn't hurt, of course it does, esp if you like him but he's just a human being, like any other, and even if he vanishes, you would have learned something from this and there are plenty other people out there.

Thank you so much Missbee,

 

Especially for not making me feel like I'm crazy. I needed to hear it this way. This is just as hard to hear, as much as the others. Yet, I appreciate you taking the time to also see my perspective.

Thank you.

[MissBee]

Thank you so much Missbee,

 

Especially for not making me feel like I'm crazy. I needed to hear it this way. This is just as hard to hear, as much as the others. Yet, I appreciate you taking the time to also see my perspective.

Thank you.

 

You're welcome.

 

I've definitely been there so I know. I read your post and like I said, I could have written it.

 

You're not crazy but the worry and anxiety about this can make you feel crazy. However, breathe and realize "It's not that deep!" That's helped me. I would get so wound up about some man and what I meant to him or not and it was especially ridiculous when I didn't even know him that well and when no matter how it played out, I'd eventually move on if he vanished. When you start to look at it realistically it helps you to calm down and detach. When you are so focused on "keeping him" and having him be around you work yourself into a tizzy and of course get soooooo disappointed and upset if things turn out differently.

 

When you breathe and say: you know what, I liked this guy. I trusted him. I hope he's around. I have to trust that what is to be will be and if he isn't around, I'll be disappointed, but clearly he wasn't for me and I won't die because of it. That really allows you to be in the moment and enjoy your life right now instead of worrying about stuff you cannot control.

[soccerrprp]

Well, I read through the threads and no one is suggesting that you are crazy. I told you to step back from this and keep things in perspective. Sorry if you think I'm not being helpful, but would also warn you about this trusting in your gut thing. I can't imagine that a reliable "gut" would tell you it was okay to sleep with a total stranger, on the first date. And how did it work for you on the other dates where you slept with the guys and it didn't work out?

 

I am sorry, but this gut thing is not reliable. My concern is that you do not have a healthy and realistic view of this relationship (or lack there of). Thus my suggestion to step back. How do you get over this? Step back and look at for what it is and not what fantasy you have tainted it with.

 

I agree with MissBee....