How to get over my cheating ex-girlfriend

[Csmith224422]

Hello everyone,

 

Long story short: I met her at a bar. She was there with her boyfriend but didn't introduce him as her boyfriend. As I was leaving she asked me for my phone number in front of him. She later texted me all the time and eventually told me that the guy there was her bf.

 

She eventually admitted that she had a crush on me and was breaking up with her bf and wanted to see what could happen between us. She told me she broke up with him and we started to go out. I knew she had a trip planned with her ex-boyfriend to Egypt but she told me she changed her flight and wasn't going with him but still had to go to see her good friend there and would spend the entire time with him.

 

She came back and told me she didn't see him there. We go out for another few months and then she breaks up with me out of nowhere. 3 days later she said she can't live without me and we get back together. A month later she breaks up with me again.

 

At this point I got suspicious and found out the truth. For the first 2 months she saw both of us, she went to Egypt with the other guy and only broke up with him when she came back. She then saw me exclusively for a few months but he kept trying to come back promising her that he would change. She then saw us both again for the last two months. I confirmed all of this from the other guy.

 

She's back with him and the other guy even called me to tell me to leave her alone even though I had left her alone. She then call me and tells me that they aren't together . When he called me he told me that she was really in love with me and wanted to marry me but that they had a 3-4 year long relationship and it was tough for her and she only saw me because marriage and kids are important to her and she knows that he will never give her that life.

 

However I found out recently that they are engaged and it hurts so much.

 

I know she's the one who lied and manipulated everything but I can't hell but feel that maybe I did something wrong. We had plans to move in and we were talking marriage and kids. At one point j did say to her what if I'm not ready for marriage and kids....maybe that scared her away. I mean we had only been seeing each other for 3 months when I said that to her.

 

She also made a huge deal about telling my mom about her. I had never told my mom about anyone before and eventually did tell my mom about her but it took some time.

 

She started studying for the Mcat. And we saw each other less. I think that put a strain on our relationship l but instead of making the effort to make it work. She just played games with me. It hurts so much to find out they are enaged.

 

How do I heal?

[Csmith224422]

It just hurts to see her happy and she got what she wanted from treating me so bad.

[Mondmellonw]

Ok, so... I met this boy. He seemed sad. He told me his ex cheated on him, he left her.

We became a couple and we were very happy. We never had any trust issues but he wasn't over it completely, also, he lied to me in some stuff. Long story short: I broke up with him cause I was starting to feel insecure about his so called "finished healing process" from the other relationship.

I guess you should seek some power over this. Let this go, she cheated on you. She isn't the woman you deserve. Don't be fooled.

Also, don't look for another relationship cause it might fail if you are still hurt.

[Csmith224422]

It just hurts so much to think that she's with him and happy. She got what she wanted from hurting me.

[Csmith224422]

Anybody have something similar happen to them? Is this just how relationships work? I don't even know.

[Mondmellonw]

It just hurts so much to think that she's with him and happy. She got what she wanted from hurting me.

Yes, maybe she got it, but does she deserves your pain?... No.

[Csmith224422]

Why would she do this to me. I d point get why she would hurt me like this.

[fixing]

Because she is a cheating bitch. She has zero morals. She does not care about you, or this other guy. She is vindictive, shes a user, a liar, a cold hearted cow. She never loved you. I know that hurts. But you gotta realise, the moment she asked your number when she had a boyfriend you needed to run a mile. The signs were all there for you to see.

 

Anyways, i know it hurts, i have been cheated on. The humiliation, the denial, the unanswered questions etc. Its tough.

 

To heal, you go completely NO CONTACT. Delete all her numbers and online media stuff.

 

Do not let her back in. She will try to pull you back into this cruel rollercoaster just to use and abuse you.

 

You gotta let this go man.

 

No contact and start to tell yourself she is dead to you.

[xUnknown]

Because she is a cheating bitch. She has zero morals. She does not care about you, or this other guy. She is vindictive, shes a user, a liar, a cold hearted cow. She never loved you. I know that hurts. But you gotta realise, the moment she asked your number when she had a boyfriend you needed to run a mile. The signs were all there for you to see.

 

Anyways, i know it hurts, i have been cheated on. The humiliation, the denial, the unanswered questions etc. Its tough.

 

To heal, you go completely NO CONTACT. Delete all her numbers and online media stuff.

 

Do not let her back in. She will try to pull you back into this cruel rollercoaster just to use and abuse you.

 

You gotta let this go man.

 

No contact and start to tell yourself she is dead to you.

 

Wow, I'm glad someone finally said it. I was reading these replies and thought, holy crap, nobody is pointing out the obvious that this chick is crazy.

 

Dude, she's nothing. She clearly has no idea what she wants. Maybe the only think you did wrong was bringing up the marriage and kids part 3 months into the relationship - but that's about it.

 

The fact that you gave this girl another chance after flip flopping once is beyond me, even when she had a bf in the beginning...

 

I've been there. I dated a girl in college who had a bf (the girl and I went to same college, the bf didn't). She told me that the guy that was "in a relationship with on FB" was just a really good friend that is overprotective of her and doesn't want guys to hurt her, but she said she was single. Yeah, I believed her. She went back to the bf, bf wanted to kick my ass, fight almost went down, but didn't haha. But then she broke up with him for me. I took her back, then she was texting him "I love you", and I ended it. she went back to him, then broke up with him, and back to me, where I declined. I then went back to her to try again with things, but she didn't want to and then jumped into a rebound with some other guy for 6 months.

 

So yeah, I know what you're feeling. I was stupid in my situation. Both you and that other guy are stupid for even wanting to get back with her. Hell, that guy is CRAZY if he proposed and now engaged. Just wait, they'll break up. Not a chance that one will last.

 

Move on my friend, there are much better fish in the sea.

[Csmith224422]

I didn't bring up marriage and kids. She did. She told me 2 months into it that she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. And told me to propose to her. I just said what if I'm not ready.

 

I think it was too early on her part. I feel so much anger and want her to pay for what she did to me.

[fixing]

Of course you feel anger. But, you cant 'get' her back. If you make any contact with her you are losing and making her feel great.

 

The only revenge in this case it to NEVER talk to her again.

 

Its a tough pill to swallow but that is all you can do here.

 

Realise you made a poor judgement by getting used over and over by this whore.

 

Learn from it.

 

NO CONTACT FOREVER.

[xUnknown]

I didn't bring up marriage and kids. She did. She told me 2 months into it that she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. And told me to propose to her. I just said what if I'm not ready.

 

I think it was too early on her part. I feel so much anger and want her to pay for what she did to me.

 

My fault, I read that wrong. I though you brought it up. But yes, that would have been a huge red flag for me. Talk about a stage 5 hah.

 

What Fixing said is right. You're best revenge is to not exist to her. Cut her out completely of your life.

[TaraMaiden]

Hello everyone,

 

Long story short: I met her at a bar. ......but instead of making the effort to make it work. She just played games with me. It hurts so much to find out they are enaged.

 

How do I heal?

 

It just hurts to see her happy and she got what she wanted from treating me so bad.

 

It just hurts so much to think that she's with him and happy. She got what she wanted from hurting me.

 

Why would she do this to me. I d point get why she would hurt me like this.

 

I didn't bring up marriage and kids. She did. She told me 2 months into it that she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. And told me to propose to her. I just said what if I'm not ready.

 

I think it was too early on her part. I feel so much anger and want her to pay for what she did to me.

 

You obviously want come-uppance, revenge or to see her in pain as much as you feel in pain.

 

You want what so many people want

 

You want "Karma to kick her up the @ss"

 

(see my signature: It's not how that works.)

 

Well, you're going to be a long time wanting.

 

Life has a (sad) way of not necessarily giving you the revenge you want.

 

But your biggest mistake is to dwell on it.

You MUST - absolutely must - stop perpetuating the pain for yourself.

 

You're 'snowballing'.

 

I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord....

 

Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so.

After that, it's self-inflicted.

A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact:

 

That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them...

 

They were missing the point.

 

If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time.

 

Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain.

 

So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.'

 

This is the problem with situations like this:

Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there"....

They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references....

 

The trick is to not start rolling the snowball.

Pick it up and throw it, and move on.

 

It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind.

But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'.

 

Pain is valid.

Emotions are valid.

They deserve to be honoured.

But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty.

 

The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone.

you may THINK it's all related, but it's not.

 

For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....)

You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accused you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things he said....

 

Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured...

 

(1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accused you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here [/highlight](2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what he was wearing, other things he said....

 

See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain.

[Csmith224422]

That's the thing I felt like she got what she wanted from treating me so bad

[TaraMaiden]

what you 'feel' she got, and what is actually the fact, may be twio completely different things.

You have to stop making assumptions about her motives, because second-guessing and getting into another person's head, is absolutely impossible, and leads to depression.

 

Try to move on.

 

How old are you, BTW?

[williesd]

I would have to agree with TaraMaiden on what I think is the 12 minutes of pain, then it is self inflicted. Allow yourself to analyze, but after a short period, stop thinking about what she might be thinking. I did it for the first month after a breakup from a 3.5 yr relationship, and it was horrible. Now, I've not talked to her in six weeks, texts have been minmal and she's got a new BF, supposedly. I can sit around and try and analyze what she was thinking, but what good is it for. I wanted out, she wanted out and moved on. Your situation is that games got played. Try and stop playing them. Focus on where you want to be in a month or two.

 

Once you can accept what happened, didn't happen, the pain will subside. Except for those brief 12 minute periods, but with time, the 12 minute periods will get to be farther apart and in the mean time, life will go forward. Maybe you'll meet someone new, then you'll look back and wonder, why did you give her so much thought, instead of focusing on the future for yourself. Okay, that's partially for me to remind myself why I've moved on.

[Csmith224422]

We're both 29. But this was my first heartbreak.

[throw_away_30]

y

Anybody have something similar happen to them? Is this just how relationships work? I don't even know.

 

Broke up with my ex close to thanksgiving. I proposed, she said no, found out she was cheating a couple of days later. We were together for 8 years. It sucks. You will have good days and bad. There will always be those thoughts in the back of your head, but you just have to learn to push through them.

[Csmith224422]

I want to enact revenge so she can feel my pain.

[throw_away_30]

I want to enact revenge so she can feel my pain.

 

It's not worth it. No good will come from it. I know exactly how you are feeling. I know all about wanting her to go through the same emotions as I was. Thinking like that will get you nowhere.

 

Go no contact. No facebook stalking, no talking to mutual friends about it. Whenever I felt like speaking to my ex, I would open up word and start typing. The first couple of weeks I wrote a lot. It was very hard for me, but I maintained and will continue to maintain no contact.

 

Work on yourself. I started reading more. I started eating better and working out. I'm down 16lbs so far. I'm also in the process of buying my first house.

 

It's not easy to forget and move on, but you have to deal with it. Don't be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone to explore new things and new people.

 

Dwelling on the past and all of the what ifs will screw up your head. Wondering if she is feeling as bad as you is just as bad. It's over. It sucks really bad. It's ok to miss her. You are going to. I miss my ex every single day. The truth though, is that you are no longer emotionally or physically tied to that person. It is no more. Work on yourself. Get your life on the right track and set some goals.

 

In the end, the best revenge you can get is to move on and live a happy and successful life.

[pickflicker]

Unfortunately, whilst revenge is deliciously portrayed in movies and television, it rarely had the same magic in real life. Your girlfriend cheated on you, so she's not going to feel guilty if you enact revenge. The likely outcome is that you will end up more hurt.

 

There's a reason why the cliche "the best revenge is living well" holds water. Be thankful instead - she's out to ruin someone else's life and is finished with yours. That's a blessing, you can move forward knowing she is gone.

[Csmith224422]

I know she won't feel guilty. But for example I saw the other guy listed on a dating website. What if I sent her the link to his profile?

[throw_away_30]

I know she won't feel guilty. But for example I saw the other guy listed on a dating website. What if I sent her the link to his profile?

 

Don't go down that road. She isn't in your life anymore. She chose someone else over you. It sucks, but nothing you do is going to make it better. No amount of revenge will make her change her mind or make you feel better about yourself.

 

Find an activity to deal with your stress and anger. Find someone to talk to. It's easier to deal when you find ways to take your mind off of her. Figure out yourself and what you want to do with your life and focus on that.

 

It's going to hurt for a while. You don't have to let it bring you down. Accept what happened, learn from it, and move on.

[aliveagain]

She was never your girlfriend, she's a liar, a cheater and told you what she thought you wanted to hear to keep you interested until she was done with you. Did her boyfriend know what she was up to? I think he should know what he is about to marry, he deserves the truth.

 

Thank your lucky stars, you dogged a bullet. Light some candles in your church because your life would have taken a very nasty turn had she stayed with you. Get tested for STD's.

[pickflicker]

I know she won't feel guilty. But for example I saw the other guy listed on a dating website. What if I sent her the link to his profile?

 

No. You don't knew the dynamics of their relationship. Whatever the reason he has a dating profile up, it doesn't concern you.