question to MM

[flowingmane]

This is true also, once OW puts on the pressure to live normally, the worlds collide and then MM has to consider hurting his kids and everyone else. although it could be argued that was done long ago.

 

And the OW begins wondering if she stacks up favorably against the W, because now it's an unspoken battle inside of the MM's head for the MMs love and lifetime commitment. The OW can't compartmentalize anymore either.

 

I know, I've been in that mindset at one juncture a few months back, and it sucks to have those thoughts. God does it suck.

[Oldspiceywolf]

what is the point that after the Dday, you still want to keep OW as your friend.

 

and another question is, if you are really in love with OW but you don't want to divorce, what would you do.

 

An acquaintance had a sort of Dday, he gaslit his wife so it's got buried. But he started trying to get away from his OM. He still wants to be friends because, inside the affair bubble those two are soul mates and live each other. When you factor in his wife and kids then she's expendable. It's a complicated situation. Some people in affairs hate that they are cheating but feel incredibly close to their AP so breaking it off completely doesn't seem logical although we all know the only way for it to be truly done is NC.

Also, as a man, if I knew there was someone I could have sex with even though I wasn't trying to have sex with them I would have a hard time letting the opportunity go. If you have a high sex drive throwing away a sex partner completely doesn't make sense even if you don't plan on having sex again.

"In the case of an emergency remove this vagina from behind the glass!"

[vanellope]

if he show me it's all about sex, then I would not invlove in this situation deeply now. it's good you let me see a view from man side.

 

 

he told me many times that I should force him to divorce because he don't want to be the bad man, I say I don't want force you, it's your choice.

 

why man cannot just leave his wife, if there is no love anymore. I really don't get this point. why need other person to force him doing this.

[krazikat]

if he show me it's all about sex, then I would not invlove in this situation deeply now. it's good you let me see a view from man side.

 

 

he told me many times that I should force him to divorce because he don't want to be the bad man, I say I don't want force you, it's your choice.

 

why man cannot just leave his wife, if there is no love anymore. I really don't get this point. why need other person to force him doing this.

 

I give up. Your level of denial hurts my head. Good luck.

Edited December 27, 2013 by krazikat
no point

[whichwayisup]

if he show me it's all about sex, then I would not invlove in this situation deeply now. it's good you let me see a view from man side.

 

 

he told me many times that I should force him to divorce because he don't want to be the bad man, I say I don't want force you, it's your choice.

 

why man cannot just leave his wife, if there is no love anymore. I really don't get this point. why need other person to force him doing this.

 

Because he has an unhealthy dynamic with his wife and obviously the love is still there enough to make him stay. He isn't leaving V. He loves HIMSELF and he likes having two women in his life. Stop trying to figure him out. either end it and walk away so you can grieve the loss and heal or accept your role as the OW and let it be JUST an affair. You post so much, I'm not sure what it is you're looking for? All I can see is, you're wasting your precious life on someone who is a real shi.t and not worth all this thought and effort.

[vanellope]

you are right that I waste too much time here, I don't know what I am looking for but I know if I don't talk out i am going to be crazy.

[carhill]

question to MM

what is the point that after the Dday, you still want to keep OW as your friend.

 

Reasons vary by person. Mine was the OW was a fMW and we had known each other over a generation, long before I ever met my exW. The simple support of friends like her was a rarely and sorely needed component at that time of life.

 

and another question is, if you are really in love with OW but you don't want to divorce, what would you do.

 

I can't envision that personally but hypothetically an open affair/relationship would be one potential solution. This wasn't uncommon in my parents generation where people often married for life and remained married even after realistically separating and having other relations.

 

In my case, I divorced.

[Aspasia33]

And ZMM... I think myself and my MM are very much like you and your Ow.. We don't often talk about the hard stuff, mainly as we sort of know on a feeling level where it's at. It's harder for him I think, as he was a very honourable, faithful Christian man, that was quite depressed before he met the evil me who seduced him:)

I make it easy for him to put things in compartments, ( most of the time) as he is not desperately unhappy at home, and i am not asking him to choose.

He loves his children, from what I gather his wife is very nice ( we don't discuss our spouses) but he misses affection, intimacy and sex.

He told me recently that our affair is affecting our marriage, which I found rather funny that it wouldn't?

Anyway, I do not believe that you can have a " perfect " marriage, and then fall prey to an affair. The chinks have to be there originally.

As dreaming of tigers said( rather bluntly I may add) its what you do with it afterwards that counts.

I'm rambling again, too much Xmas cheer:)!!

[ZMM]

vanellope - I know I waste too much time here as well. But, it's because I have so much on my mind. If I wasn't on here, I would just be thinking things over in my head. I am looking at this as working through some issues I need to deal with. At some point, I will get it worked out and then I can get back to being more productive.

 

Aspasia33 - Probably so. However, I think you two are in a different stage in the process. And my M is not a happy one. It used to be tolerable, but it doesn't seem that way anymore. There are no children involved, so that part is out of the equation.

[ZMM]

An acquaintance had a sort of Dday, he gaslit his wife so it's got buried. But he started trying to get away from his OM. He still wants to be friends because, inside the affair bubble those two are soul mates and live each other. When you factor in his wife and kids then she's expendable. It's a complicated situation. Some people in affairs hate that they are cheating but feel incredibly close to their AP so breaking it off completely doesn't seem logical although we all know the only way for it to be truly done is NC.

Also, as a man, if I knew there was someone I could have sex with even though I wasn't trying to have sex with them I would have a hard time letting the opportunity go. If you have a high sex drive throwing away a sex partner completely doesn't make sense even if you don't plan on having sex again.

"In the case of an emergency remove this vagina from behind the glass!"

 

That's interesting, I never heard of gaslighting before. So, I did some reading up after seeing your post. It seems like there are a lot of questions/variations on this, as to whether it is trying to make someone think they are nuts or just manipulation. And also as to whether the gaslighter knows what they are doing or just do it subconsciously. When I read some of the information, I thought maybe some of that had gone on in my M in earlier years. I remember many times, thinking I needed to keep notes or use a tape recorder, as what actually occurred was constantly being rewritten. I don't know whether that is gaslighting or just some form of manipulation or just someone always seeing everything from their POV and not being able to empathize. I just don't know. Very interesting though.

 

I wish I would have read up more on interpersonal relationships in my younger years, it might have saved me a lot of grief and prevented some errors I have made along the way.

Edited December 27, 2013 by ZMM

[ZMM]

This is really insulting and I guess as you have not had an affair you are just assuming that is what all affairs are about.

Most LTR affairs are about intimacy and that is why a lot of people come on here because it is more than sex otherwise they would not be so distraught. My mm had a low sex drive but we spent lots of time just doing stuff together. It was hardly ever sex, although I wished it was JUST that in the end..

 

Yeah - I didn't really think that last part held true either.

[ZMM]

Yes I can thoroughly recommend anyone who thinks they are being gaslighted to the extent that they question their own sanity, to record conversations. I did that once or twice with MM when he was at his most confusing just for my own benefit and I loved to replay our conversation when i was in bed alone. However later on in the relationship it got where he had lied so much to his wife, he actually forgot what he had told me.

 

I never actually questioned my sanity, I always trusted myself.

[Aspasia33]

My ex fiancee gas lighted..when i continually asked him what was wrong, are you having an affair with J, he made all sorts of excuses. I didn't believe him, but wanted to (they are now married with 2 kids)

 

When I kicked him out, I went through hell, I was the bitterest almost BS spouse you can imagine, took me years to see how I had contributed to the problems that led to the affair.

 

If my husband asked me bluntly now if I was having an affair, I would say yes, simply as I wouldn't want him to go through the doubting himself thing (mind you, I am pretty sure he knows, and doesn't want to address it)

 

That's interesting, I never heard of gaslighting before. So, I did some reading up after seeing your post. It seems like there are a lot of questions/variations on this, as to whether it is trying to make someone think they are nuts or just manipulation. And also as to whether the gaslighter knows what they are doing or just do it subconsciously. When I read some of the information, I thought maybe some of that had gone on in my M in earlier years. I remember many times, thinking I needed to keep notes or use a tape recorder, as what actually occurred was constantly being rewritten. I don't know whether that is gaslighting or just some form of manipulation or just someone always seeing everything from their POV and not being able to empathize. I just don't know. Very interesting though.

 

I wish I would have read up more on interpersonal relationships in my younger years, it might have saved me a lot of grief and prevented some errors I have made along the way.

[Aspasia33]

And I suppose I am equally guilty of gas lighting my husband, as he knows MM and I are friends, they met each other once, and hubby would never dream I would be interested in MM(as he doesn't think he is my type, something i sort of encourage).