Noticed an odd trend.

[bob the brave]

Do people simply have no conscience??

 

I think you nailed it. There can be a lot of reasons people fall in/out of love, but the fact that such people can disrespect the very people they claim to care about most in the world proves they are exrtremely selfish people, totally void of compassion or conscience.

 

When this happned to me, I got curious and researched it. I found that many such people are actually clinical psychopaths. This occurs in various degrees and is more common than we might think. We tend to think 'psychos' are cold, anti-social loners, but more so the opposite is true. They are very charming and socialable, but in a crafy underhanded way. They are narsicists that manipulate to control their environment. It's weird, they do not feel emotion the same way you and I do. They understand the concept of right and wrong, but are unable to actually associate it with action.

 

Therefore, the, "You are the center of my world." and "Oh, BTW, I have been doing your sister." syndrome. These people are very dangerous and toxic and can be difficult to recognize until it is too late. Just be weary of people who are overlay charming and accomidating at first, watch how they treat others, not just yourself and be weary of past relationship problems like exes, kids, child support, debt. Pay attention to what people do, not what they say or promise.

[Poppyolive]

It was the same for me, 5 years together, Planning our wedding, in detail, moved to a new apartment with a spare room for the child be planned on having within the year, saving to bring my parents from the UK over, all his words.....Just 2 HOURS before dumping we were taking, he was talking about how happy he was, and had an idea for a wedding venue, the day before we had his family reunion and he said he was happy i am apart of his family, we had many discussions earlier in the year about my goals and desires and his....to make sure we were on the same page, he said he was ready for the next stage, excited to have a baby and get married...... this boy ran for the hills......

 

 

Its sad

Its frustrating

hes gonzo

[Riou]

It was the same for me, 5 years together, Planning our wedding, in detail, moved to a new apartment with a spare room for the child be planned on having within the year, saving to bring my parents from the UK over, all his words.....Just 2 HOURS before dumping we were taking, he was talking about how happy he was, and had an idea for a wedding venue, the day before we had his family reunion and he said he was happy i am apart of his family, we had many discussions earlier in the year about my goals and desires and his....to make sure we were on the same page, he said he was ready for the next stage, excited to have a baby and get married...... this boy ran for the hills......

 

 

Its sad

Its frustrating

hes gonzo

 

Was it a sudden decision to break up or planned?

[Riou]

Guys,do state whether yours was a sudden break up or planned break up.I think it's even more weird when they planned for the break up but act lovey dovey hours or days before.

[Poppyolive]

No he said it wasn't planned, that he was committed, ready and happy. we had a great connection, everything hunky dory...except issues with alcohol once every few months.......Im 32 him 29, sometimes when he drank he would get 16 year old wasted...very annoying!

 

So ya, breakup not planned, 2 hours before we were discussing future, brought up by him, baby names discussed, signed a lease on a apartment, was getting a dog etc....then its over. WHen he said it, I was shocked, he cried and wasn't himself for a few weeks, gave him space, said he was open to us....then nothing.....he's been really angry via texts since, I had to ask him to stop, since then No Contact. To add, Ive got my head on my shoulders, positive, happy, never hurt him, all glorious things, he said it was nothing i did, that he loves me, cares for me deeply, .......I never really got a reason.

[LadyM]

I think you nailed it. There can be a lot of reasons people fall in/out of love, but the fact that such people can disrespect the very people they claim to care about most in the world proves they are exrtremely selfish people, totally void of compassion or conscience.

 

When this happned to me, I got curious and researched it. I found that many such people are actually clinical psychopaths. This occurs in various degrees and is more common than we might think. We tend to think 'psychos' are cold, anti-social loners, but more so the opposite is true. They are very charming and socialable, but in a crafy underhanded way. They are narsicists that manipulate to control their environment. It's weird, they do not feel emotion the same way you and I do. They understand the concept of right and wrong, but are unable to actually associate it with action.

 

Therefore, the, "You are the center of my world." and "Oh, BTW, I have been doing your sister." syndrome. These people are very dangerous and toxic and can be difficult to recognize until it is too late. Just be weary of people who are overlay charming and accomidating at first, watch how they treat others, not just yourself and be weary of past relationship problems like exes, kids, child support, debt. Pay attention to what people do, not what they say or promise.

 

Everything you posted hit home with me. Amazing!

 

I also did research after the fact, too, and my ex displayed every quality of a narcissist and a sociopath.

 

Like you said, he was charming and accommodating at first. I did watch how he treated others and it was mostly in an arrogant and angry fashion. He has poor relations with his many exes, has a poor relationship with one of his kids, a huge amount of debt and was mostly all talk. He also has an addictive personality (drugs, women, porn, gambling) and struggled with that for years. He is manipulative and lied easily. Was always of the mindset, if it feels good - do it. Has superficial friendships. Was a self-proclaimed serial monogamist and cycled through a slew for relationships. He is never without a new girl.

 

You are so right - these people are dangerous and toxic.

 

As I'm typing this, I can hardly believe I not only was involved with a fella like this, but crazily still feel a fondness towards him. It's like the abused seeking approval from her abuser.

 

Will I ever get over this very bad man?

[Riou]

No he said it wasn't planned, that he was committed, ready and happy. we had a great connection, everything hunky dory...except issues with alcohol once every few months.......Im 32 him 29, sometimes when he drank he would get 16 year old wasted...very annoying!

 

So ya, breakup not planned, 2 hours before we were discussing future, brought up by him, baby names discussed, signed a lease on a apartment, was getting a dog etc....then its over. WHen he said it, I was shocked, he cried and wasn't himself for a few weeks, gave him space, said he was open to us....then nothing.....he's been really angry via texts since, I had to ask him to stop, since then No Contact. To add, Ive got my head on my shoulders, positive, happy, never hurt him, all glorious things, he said it was nothing i did, that he loves me, cares for me deeply, .......I never really got a reason.

 

People are so unpredictable sometimes..

[nomadic_butterfly]

There seems to be an odd trend of dumpers talking/planning about future,being very positive about a relationship up to even a day before and then the next day a break up happens.Being reading a few threads with such stories,for example http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/450695-empty . Did you experience the same too?

 

Extremely common. Some people master the art of telling you what you want to hear. But usually it's someone you've just starting dating that has an ulterior motive (i.e. he knows you only have sex in a relationship and just wants to get laid) or you are his backup plan/expressed a lot of interest in him so he is insincerely mirroring you.

 

In a full on, established relationship, people who are blindsided by this are usually in-denial about the relationship's state/issues and/or try to marginalize problems in their mind to the point where they underestimate the dysfunction(s). Very seldom does a "perfect" relationship go bust in a week or a matter of days unless something extreme happens like the partner cheats, steals, goes to jail, etc. There's almost always a series of arguments/disagreements/differences that culminate to the relationship's demise.

Edited December 26, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[bob the brave]

As I'm typing this, I can hardly believe I not only was involved with a fella like this, but crazily still feel a fondness towards him. It's like the abused seeking approval from her abuser.

 

Will I ever get over this very bad man?

 

 

Just curious, what do you think is the source of the fondness, the attraction you still have?

[theothersully]

Extremely common. Some people master the art of telling you what you want to hear. But usually it's someone you've just starting dating that has an ulterior motive (i.e. he knows you only have sex in a relationship and just wants to get laid) or you are his backup plan/expressed a lot of interest in him so he is insincerely mirroring you.

 

In a full on, established relationship, people who are blindsided by this are usually in-denial about the relationship's state/issues and/or try to marginalize problems in their mind to the point where they underestimate the dysfunction(s). Very seldom does a "perfect" relationship go bust in a week or a matter of days unless something extreme happens like the partner cheats, steals, goes to jail, etc. There's almost always a series of arguments/disagreements/differences that culminate to the relationship's demise.

 

 

Or not, in the case of marrying the diagnosed mentally ill. :/

[nomadic_butterfly]

Or not, in the case of marrying the diagnosed mentally ill. :/

 

Keyword their is usually. Mental illness is on the extreme side of the spectrum so you can add that to "unless something extreme happens" In general though most people's I have known/hear whose break ups "took them by surprise" had many signs but then the arguments became second nature to the point of normalcy and other underlying issues were glossed over.

Edited December 26, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[theothersully]

Keyword their is usually. Mental illness is on the extreme side of the spectrum so you can add that to "unless something extreme happens" In general though most people's I have known/hear whose break ups "took them by surprise" had many signs but then the arguments became second nature to the point of normalcy and other underlying issues were glossed over.

 

Sorry. Brief post on my part. I wasn't trying to undermine your point of view. Just reflecting on my own situation out loud.

[BC1980]

So what is the basis for doing it when clearly they didn't want a future?

 

Some people do it for insidious reasons like getting sex, money, ext. I think most people, like my ex, overestimate that they can commit. It seems okay in the abstract, but, when it comes down to it, they just can't do it. I think they don't know themselves well enough, and they are commitment phobes in all aspects of life. My ex was terrible at making even the smsllest decision. I remember it taking him 3 months to decide to switch jobs, and he kept asking advice from anyone and analyzing it to death. He would often use me as a crutch to help him make or reinforce his decisions.

[LadyM]

Just curious, what do you think is the source of the fondness, the attraction you still have?

 

I think the fondness is the memory of when times were good.

 

When he was so loving and made it seem like he never felt like this for anyone before. It was that he had a real need for me, valued my opinion and looked for my guidance. That can be so seductive.

 

On the other hand, he treated me so poorly so often that I feel ashamed I even stayed with him. That I have any warm feelings toward this man is something I cannot reconcile.

 

I do not understand.

[BC1980]

I think the fondness is the memory of when times were good.

 

When he was so loving and made it seem like he never felt like this for anyone before. It was that he had a real need for me, valued my opinion and looked for my guidance. That can be so seductive.

 

On the other hand, he treated me so poorly so often that I feel ashamed I even stayed with him. That I have any warm feelings toward this man is something I cannot reconcile.

 

I do not understand.

 

I think love allows you to overlook so much. If any of my friends had come to me with my situation, I would have told them to step away from this man sooner. My ex was really genuine and treated me well so often. It's hard to believe that he would just leave me like this after all that he promised. I always used to think how I had found one of the good, trustworthy guys. Never in a million years did I expect this from him.

 

That is what I cannot reconcile. Who is he? I can't understand it.

[LadyM]

I think love allows you to overlook so much. If any of my friends had come to me with my situation, I would have told them to step away from this man sooner. My ex was really genuine and treated me well so often. It's hard to believe that he would just leave me like this after all that he promised. I always used to think how I had found one of the good, trustworthy guys. Never in a million years did I expect this from him.

 

That is what I cannot reconcile. Who is he? I can't understand it.

 

It is like this man you knew and loved is a complete stranger.

 

How and why could someone who treated you so well, that you thought you knew so well, up and leave you out of the blue?

 

I cannot wrap my head around that one and it is no wonder you can't possibly reconcile such a nonsensical heartbreak.

[singme2sleep]

It is like this man you knew and loved is a complete stranger.

 

How and why could someone who treated you so well, that you thought you knew so well, up and leave you out of the blue?

 

I cannot wrap my head around that one and it is no wonder you can't possibly reconcile such a nonsensical heartbreak.

 

They do become a stranger and it's horrible. Someone else said it in a comment, you start to feel as if they weren't real. I destroyed pictures and other mementos of our time together when I was in the anger phase at finding out he was with the new chick. And now that there's no "evidence" of him other than my memories, it feels like he was a ghost or something.

[bob the brave]

I think the fondness is the memory of when times were good.

 

When he was so loving and made it seem like he never felt like this for anyone before. It was that he had a real need for me, valued my opinion and looked for my guidance. That can be so seductive.

 

On the other hand, he treated me so poorly so often that I feel ashamed I even stayed with him. That I have any warm feelings toward this man is something I cannot reconcile.

 

I do not understand.

 

I think we all sometimes think we have found the perfect partner and want it to be true so bad we wear blinders and often ignore warning signs until the bad traits or those we are incompatible with make the union completely dysfunctional.

 

I recognized a lot of 'little things' I found disturbing early on, but liked the other stuff so much I discounted them, played them down or out right ignored them. It was like passing a bunch 'bumpy road ahead' signs and continuing to speed. Then I was shocked when the road suddenly took a sharp turn and I crashed the car.

[LadyM]

They do become a stranger and it's horrible. Someone else said it in a comment, you start to feel as if they weren't real. I destroyed pictures and other mementos of our time together when I was in the anger phase at finding out he was with the new chick. And now that there's no "evidence" of him other than my memories, it feels like he was a ghost or something.

 

You're right.

 

At times, it's like they weren't real. Like they are a vague ghostly image, of sorts.

 

Another life. Another world. Like it happened to someone else, not to us. Faltering memories of them. Becomes a blur.

 

Who are we even missing anymore??

 

The fantasy of them?

[LadyM]

I think we all sometimes think we have found the perfect partner and want it to be true so bad we wear blinders and often ignore warning signs until the bad traits or those we are incompatible with make the union completely dysfunctional.

 

I recognized a lot of 'little things' I found disturbing early on, but liked the other stuff so much I discounted them, played them down or out right ignored them. It was like passing a bunch 'bumpy road ahead' signs and continuing to speed. Then I was shocked when the road suddenly took a sharp turn and I crashed the car.

 

Every single word you wrote is exactly how I feel and what I did. The blinders, the warning signs - discounting them all because I so much liked a lot about him and wanted it to work.

 

All the while, foolishly hoping he would change under my gentle guidance.

[bob the brave]

Every single word you wrote is exactly how I feel and what I did. The blinders, the warning signs - discounting them all because I so much liked a lot about him and wanted it to work.

 

All the while, foolishly hoping he would change under my gentle guidance.

 

I did exactly the same thing. I thought I could 'save' her.

 

I was told by a councelor that such behavior comes from years of neglect or abuse at a young age. In order to change, these people have to want to change and even then it can take years of professional counceling. In other words, not something we can change simply by offering love and understanding. These people need to be broken down and rebuilt. I bet your ex was in complete denial he did anything wrong or that if he did it was "no big deal" so as to relieve himself of the responsibility.

 

At least look at how much we've grown in better understanding ourselves and others.

[LadyM]

I did exactly the same thing. I thought I could 'save' her.

 

I was told by a councelor that such behavior comes from years of neglect or abuse at a young age. In order to change, these people have to want to change and even then it can take years of professional counceling. In other words, not something we can change simply by offering love and understanding. These people need to be broken down and rebuilt. I bet your ex was in complete denial he did anything wrong or that if he did it was "no big deal" so as to relieve himself of the responsibility.

 

At least look at how much we've grown in better understanding ourselves and others.

 

Yes! Yes!! To all you said.

 

My ex was neglected in his childhood. My ex had years of psycho-analysis and I had to chuckle inside when he told me he's much better now than before. You're right. I did think that offering him love, care and attention would fix him - to give him what he never got in his young years. How naive of me.

 

I also wanted to "save" him. I wanted him to need me. And he did - for a little while. Now he needs his new girl.

[singme2sleep]

My ex had a very unstable and rocky childhood. So I know what you both are talking about...

 

Also, in regards to us reflecting and learning, it kind of makes me mad. Ever notice how dumpees go through a process? We usually take time to work on ourselves emotionally and physically after a breakup, but dumpers DON'T. And they are really the ones who need to!!!

 

Tell me I'm wrong lol.

[LadyM]

What a unique perspective, singme! The stable ones have all the time to reflect and learn in sorrow while the dumpers take their same mess into the next relationship.

 

These people should come with warning labels.

[ravssss]

they get emotionally dumb .. and think they are being mature and give reasons like we are incompatable .... when in reality they are jst selfish and had other reasons like a 3rd person or a great bunch of new friends ...