margot13 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Hi, Maybe this is a strange post. I am in a break, and half miserable and half trying to see the positive and take time to make some changes for myself that were needed. The break is mutual, not what I want (really I want the fantasy) but we weren't living it and I agreed with him that we needed some space from each other, each others families, children etc. My question is what are other peoples experiences on a break, is it definite, is it prolonging the inevitable or does it help sometimes?
Author margot13 Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 Hi thanks for the reply, I guess space is a break (in my mind). And oddly I find the space for myself also usefull, however stil have hope :-)
legion113 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 If a guy asked me for a break, I would considered us broken up. Space is one thing, a break, in my opinion, is a prelude to a break up. Mental note, don't ask Stringchick for a break:-) 2
CaliBabe Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 A break is never a good thing. Chances are very high for a permanent ending to the relationship. 1
legion113 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 how true how true. I'm playing Xcom declassified..Christ I feel like somedude.... 2
legion113 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I think I break would work if people are dealing with personal issues that they have to go thru themselves, or if both parties are willing to work on themselves for the relationship. If it's one person wanting to play the field though, or just giving up on the relationship, then NO, I don't think they work. 1
legion113 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I'm not against space in a relationship (everyone should be allowed some independence within a relationship), but a "break"? Sounds like they're wanting to put pause on things and check out how the other half live. Ah, you're all good. I like ya. ha ha thanks. Wonder how that guy is doing. Funny thing is I have a friend who's really into computers, 24, wants to be a nurse, plays a lot of video games, just found out he's never had a gf. I'm like "Gee, I know what this guy's future is going to be like" He's not really a weiner either, just really shy. Was thinking of hiring him an escort, but he'd probably just talk to her... 1
Author margot13 Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 I think I break would work if people are dealing with personal issues that they have to go thru themselves, or if both parties are willing to work on themselves for the relationship. If it's one person wanting to play the field though, or just giving up on the relationship, then NO, I don't think they work. There is no wanting to play the field in this situation, and I agree if there was then it would just be a waste of time. I think there is always a lot of grey area in between the black and white of everything. Definitely not sitting and waiting for reconciliation, just curious if these "breaks" ever work for the good of a relationship and not just the negative.
2fargone Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I think it can work, if trust can be preserved and such.
rosedl Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Depends on the reason for the break. If you are with a man with commitment issues, watch out! Breaks are their means of relieving anxieties around the relationship and they will put you through hell with their push/pull. Sometimes, a cooling down period or time out can be helpful to regain perspective, if that is truly the reason for taking space. It won't fix anything. The only way to heal in the relationship is to break old patterns and learn new coping skills and therapy and addressing the issues needs to replace space. Space is not a solution, it is simply a tool to provide perspective and allow emotions to calm. And, if you don't want the break and go along with solutions that don't work for you, it can cause resentment and problems if you do try to reconcile. If you take space, it should be for a set period of time and then, you should talk about a plan of action to address the problems that caused you to need space. My ex still thinks we are in some sort of relationship because we left it that we would go to couple's therapy in February. I consider us entirely broken up, as five months apart is not space. It is a break up with the possibility of reconciliation. I also told him that the space may be beneficial for him being able to come back to the relationship and work on it, but it is resulting in me being less likely then ever to come back and try again. Breaks only work if both people can come back and still have the ability to reengage and resume the relationship. Our break/breakup/whatever the hell it is...it is having the opposite effect on me. I am thinking more about leaving the area and starting to make mental plans on moving forward with my life totally outside of him.
Author margot13 Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 Depends on the reason for the break. If you are with a man with commitment issues, watch out! Breaks are their means of relieving anxieties around the relationship and they will put you through hell with their push/pull. Sometimes, a cooling down period or time out can be helpful to regain perspective, if that is truly the reason for taking space. It won't fix anything. The only way to heal in the relationship is to break old patterns and learn new coping skills and therapy and addressing the issues needs to replace space. Space is not a solution, it is simply a tool to provide perspective and allow emotions to calm. And, if you don't want the break and go along with solutions that don't work for you, it can cause resentment and problems if you do try to reconcile. If you take space, it should be for a set period of time and then, you should talk about a plan of action to address the problems that caused you to need space. My ex still thinks we are in some sort of relationship because we left it that we would go to couple's therapy in February. I consider us entirely broken up, as five months apart is not space. It is a break up with the possibility of reconciliation. I also told him that the space may be beneficial for him being able to come back to the relationship and work on it, but it is resulting in me being less likely then ever to come back and try again. Breaks only work if both people can come back and still have the ability to reengage and resume the relationship. Our break/breakup/whatever the hell it is...it is having the opposite effect on me. I am thinking more about leaving the area and starting to make mental plans on moving forward with my life totally outside of him. Rosedl Reading everyones posts I realize we never truly understand the reasons for space/breaks if it is not what we ourselves really want. Your situation sounds complicated, and I feel sorry for that. Are you still in contact? Ironically like you, the more time I am apart, the more I doubt if it is what I want, which maybe has the opposite effect as to the intention. But have decided to also use the time to completely pamper myself, sometimes I really have to force myself to do it, but when I do I feel so much better. Getting back to myself again, easier to deal with him if and when the time comes.
legion113 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 There is no wanting to play the field in this situation, and I agree if there was then it would just be a waste of time. I think there is always a lot of grey area in between the black and white of everything. Definitely not sitting and waiting for reconciliation, just curious if these "breaks" ever work for the good of a relationship and not just the negative. Like I said, if people take time away from the relationship to figure out what went wrong, or to find ways they can improve it, then I think it's a good idea. Taking time alone makes you think A LOT.
rosedl Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Margot My situation isn't really that complicated. He is a commitment phobic man and prefers solitude. He tries to control his anxiety around our relationship by swinging back and forth depending if he is more anxious being apart....or more anxious being together. I am not really grooving on this 'space'. I can't really move on because we might be doing therapy and I can't really vest in the relationship because it very well may not happen. I have been weighing out if this is worth even putting myself out there again. I guess it doesn't much matter as if it won't work, the therapy will reveal it pretty quickly.
hermitinator Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Hi, Maybe this is a strange post. I am in a break, and half miserable and half trying to see the positive and take time to make some changes for myself that were needed. The break is mutual, not what I want (really I want the fantasy) but we weren't living it and I agreed with him that we needed some space from each other, each others families, children etc. My question is what are other peoples experiences on a break, is it definite, is it prolonging the inevitable or does it help sometimes? In my experience, breaks help either one or both people realize if the other person is important to them or not. What I have gotten from breaks is how the relationship benefits both of us, but most importantly, my own fulfillment in the relationship. By stepping outside of the relationship instead of living in it constantly, you become the observer of why things might have gone wrong, if those things are fixable or if it is easier for both of you to walk away and begin anew (sometimes this is refreshing for both of you). Personally, breaks have helped me realize that I want and see this person in my life, as a friend or/and as a lover, that they are my life partner. Breaks help you have an outside perspective of what is good for you in the relationship and what isn't; it assists you in not romanticizing the relationship and being honest with yourself as well as the other person. 1
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