Merry Christmas?

[Fredflintstone]

This time last year my wife was about 10 weeks away from moving her affair from online to actually meeting him. This year, it's 0732 in England, I've been awake for nearly four hours, my son and wife are upstairs fast asleep. I've spent alot of money this year on presents for my children and tried to buy my wife a present but she saw it and said she couldn't use it, so I've taken it back. I haven't bothered to buy her anything else, we have, upto this year always bought eachother lots of things for Christmas, I liked making sure she had lots to unwrap. After everything that's happened I'm finding it very difficult to enjoy myself this year, I didn't even bother to open the card she gave me until I was prompted last night, I'd bought her one too but didn't bother to write it until last night.

I found out about the affair in August, there was a big fallout, initially, now though things are starting to calm down and my wife is pushing for us to get back to normality. The thing is I don't want things to go back to the way they were, I've changed alot since I found out and made some good positive changes but I don't see any personal changes in her. She's still the same person only happier with her situation. It feels like there's something missing, like I'm trying to make things better but it's not natural . This Christmas doesn't feel right like I just can't be bothered. Clearly I need to keep this up for abit longer and see if this is just a phase, I know this will take more time. Does anyone else here feel like they are putting up a front for friends/relatives/spouse especially at Christmas?

[Lokahi117]

I feel very much the same way. I'm a bh and my ww has also wanted to push things to being "normal". As far as I'm concerned it's just more selfish behavior of them wanting you to get over it fast and move on. Because for them there is no real pain. I mean yeah it's kind of painful to see the pain you've inflicted on ones you "love", but I don't think it can really compare with the pain that a bs feels when he finds that the one who was supposed to have his back and willingly choose him over other men, breaks that promise and forever the locality aspect is at the least changed, if not shattered forever.

 

Most of my family doesn't know and those who do encourage me to come back and make it work because I have such a great lady. Meanwhile most of the 65 lbs she dropped for her other man have slowly crept back on cause now, it's just me.....I mean, whom does she have to impress. I know it seems petty but it is one of the deal breakers for me. It says to me, that she doesn't respect me enough to keep her figure that she improved for other man. Like I'm not as worthy as he was to receive it. And just her knowing that's how I feel about it should be reason enough for a truly remorseful spouse to make it a priority.

 

Anyhow, I'm sure it will be really slow here for today as it's Christmas. But I wanted to take the time to let you know, that others are hurting just like you today, and you are not alone.......small consolation I know. But ya know what? Merry Christmas to us anyway. All of us here in affair land, the wandering spouses too, for I know there are many out there who did not at all realize the havoc this would reek on their loves.

[road]

This time last year my wife was about 10 weeks away from moving her affair from online to actually meeting him. This year, it's 0732 in England, I've been awake for nearly four hours, my son and wife are upstairs fast asleep. I've spent alot of money this year on presents for my children and tried to buy my wife a present but she saw it and said she couldn't use it, so I've taken it back. I haven't bothered to buy her anything else, we have, upto this year always bought eachother lots of things for Christmas, I liked making sure she had lots to unwrap. After everything that's happened I'm finding it very difficult to enjoy myself this year, I didn't even bother to open the card she gave me until I was prompted last night, I'd bought her one too but didn't bother to write it until last night.

I found out about the affair in August, there was a big fallout, initially, now though things are starting to calm down and my wife is pushing for us to get back to normality. The thing is I don't want things to go back to the way they were, I've changed alot since I found out and made some good positive changes but I don't see any personal changes in her. She's still the same person only happier with her situation. It feels like there's something missing, like I'm trying to make things better but it's not natural . This Christmas doesn't feel right like I just can't be bothered. Clearly I need to keep this up for abit longer and see if this is just a phase, I know this will take more time. Does anyone else here feel like they are putting up a front for friends/relatives/spouse especially at Christmas?

 

 

 

Not knowing what you and your WW have or not done to recover makes it hard to she where you and your WW are at.

 

 

Your WW sounds as if she is rug sweeping. This points out to her not changing.

 

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. The book spells out all the steps needed to increase the chances of your recovery being successful.

[harrybrown]

You could give her the divorce papers wrapped up in a present.

 

Tell her thanks for giving me my freedom, because I will not rugsweep your affair.

[Ap22]

 

Meanwhile most of the 65 lbs she dropped for her other man have slowly crept back on cause now, it's just me.....I mean, whom does she have to impress. I know it seems petty but it is one of the deal breakers for me. It says to me, that she doesn't respect me enough to keep her figure that she improved for other man. Like I'm not as worthy as he was to receive it. And just her knowing that's how I feel about it should be reason enough for a truly remorseful spouse to make it a priority.

 

 

This, this, and this. My wife was never big, but after her pregnancy, she wasn't toned for a couple years. Never did it bother me. She got into a major health kick when her MLC started and she had an affair. I used to tell her that I never got to enjoy this gorgeous little body she had when she would be staring in the mirror. Now that we are in R, I think she's worked out twice in the past month and a half, after it being a daily thing for her.

 

She still looks really good, but the firmness is slipping. Again, never did it bother me before, but when she was super toned while having an affair, and now she's letting it go, it pisses me off. Luckily her friend is a personal trainer and started working at a gym 1 block down. Tomorrow she wants to go sign up. I want to see the same desire to look good for me as she did for the OM

[thummper]

This, this, and this. My wife was never big, but after her pregnancy, she wasn't toned for a couple years. Never did it bother me. She got into a major health kick when her MLC started and she had an affair. I used to tell her that I never got to enjoy this gorgeous little body she had when she would be staring in the mirror. Now that we are in R, I think she's worked out twice in the past month and a half, after it being a daily thing for her.

 

She still looks really good, but the firmness is slipping. Again, never did it bother me before, but when she was super toned while having an affair, and now she's letting it go, it pisses me off. Luckily her friend is a personal trainer and started working at a gym 1 block down. Tomorrow she wants to go sign up. I want to see the same desire to look good for me as she did for the OM

Yeah, you're just the old man. Guess she feels she doesn't have to please you. You'll be there regardless. Sad.

[Fredflintstone]

Not knowing what you and your WW have or not done to recover makes it hard to she where you and your WW are at.

 

 

Your WW sounds as if she is rug sweeping. This points out to her not changing.

 

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. The book spells out all the steps needed to increase the chances of your recovery being successful.

 

I had that book and got halfway through it when my wife told me that it was all a load of rubbish and didnt relate to us. In a fit of anger I tore the book in half I was getting sick and tired of her undermining my efforts to understand all this mess. I am currently working through "his needs her needs" and "not just friends ".

[drifter777]

I tried to read that book and threw it in the garbage after a couple of chapters. It is a good book for people unable to think for themselves and want a "professional" to tell them what to do and how to feel. Not for me.

 

You recent BH's need to have a strategy for your rug-sweeping WW's. You need to remember that no WS wants to "discuss" their cheating and will avoid it at nearly any cost. You have to make her understand that it is necessary for you to stop pretending everything is ok because her denial is destroying your marriage. If you are truly sick and tired of her behavior, threaten her with separation or divorce and follow through if she tries to call you bluff. You can always get back together and try to reconcile if she gets serious about trying to rebuild the marriage but, if she doesn't, you have to understand and believe that ending a sham marriage is the best thing for all concerned in the long run.

[Fluttershy]

Lok and Fred,

 

If your wived were truly remorseful and not just sorry they were caught they would be gutted by their behaviour and willing to let you heal at your own pace. If they lash out occasionaly because they are human they would apologize for it. I firmly believe a remorseful wayward may need to be guided on their actions but will be open to doing whatever it takes to repair the marriage. If the wayward is closed off or unapproachable they may not be truly remorseful.

 

 

AP, your dday was not long ago, give your wife a break on her body. She hashad a lot to deal with, i am sure her "toned ass" are not on the forefront ofher concern. Being superficeal probably helped her get in this mess. Nor to mention it is easy to become depressed with everything goig o and winter. It is good she is going to go to a gym, it helps, but don't read so much into her letting herself go over the last little while.

 

 

Merry Christmas for those who celebrate.

[painfullyobvious]

I echo what drifter had to say. The WS are almost all rug sweepers and just want to get back to normal as fast as they can. Most of the time they show remorse, some work very hard and are sorry after the fact. That does not make the pain and getting back to normal easy. You are looking at a two year process. You are at ten weeks. You are probably not even through the initial stages of grief yet.

 

 

Wait a few months and do not make any major decisions. Be honest with her and communicate the hurt she has done to you. Also be aware that cheaters tell you things in blocks. You will ask several questions and they hold onto information that they believe you are unaware of. The whole first six months are usually trickle truth, mind games and figuring out which direction the reconciliation is actually heading.

 

 

Cheaters want the normalcy of a relationship back after they have stabbed their spouse or significant other in the back. I understand it, who would want to be habitually reminded that they are the cause of another's persons grief out of selfishness, self-centeredness and poor boundaries. That is part of the reconciliation process whether they like it or not. It is not a one time discussion of the facts and we wake up the next morning with a clean slate. Remind her that her actions have consequences and you need answers and bringing the affair up will be part of you healing. If this is too much to ask maybe she is less than remorseful.

 

 

I am concerned about the communication in your relationship and that you blame yourself a bit. This is a common idea of a BS but you did not push your wife into an affair. Things get bad in relationships and you need to talk them out, not retreat to another person.

[whichwayisup]

my wife is pushing for us to get back to normality.

 

It's been less than 6 months since her A. Why is she pushing for life to get back to normal? It seems she hasn't owned it all, her part in the affair, hasn't worked on herself, and she's rug sweeping hoping you'll forget, let go and life will go on like it never happened. Does she understand what she's done to you? Shook you to the core, turned your life upside down? All that love, faith and trust you had in her, she ruined and made the trust disappear. Does she get that it takes 2-5 years for a marriage to get back on track? What has she done to make you feel secure, to prove herself worthy of a chance to make things right with you? Has she done counseling on her own and with you? Is she truly remorseful for her affair? Has she worked with you and put in 100% to make things better?

[drifter777]

It's been less than 6 months since her A. Why is she pushing for life to get back to normal? It seems she hasn't owned it all, her part in the affair, hasn't worked on herself, and she's rug sweeping hoping you'll forget, let go and life will go on like it never happened. Does she understand what she's done to you? Shook you to the core, turned your life upside down? All that love, faith and trust you had in her, she ruined and made the trust disappear. Does she get that it takes 2-5 years for a marriage to get back on track? What has she done to make you feel secure, to prove herself worthy of a chance to make things right with you? Has she done counseling on her own and with you? Is she truly remorseful for her affair? Has she worked with you and put in 100% to make things better?

 

Yeah, all of this. I would add that the 2 - 5 years that many people throw out there is really a best-case scenario. If a WS is truly remorseful and willing to do anything to make up for what they have destroyed and the BS is willing to work on acceptance then maybe that 2 - 5 years can happen. Most of the time I think it takes a lot longer because of trickle-truth, breaking NC, the horrible mind-movies the BS must endure, and things like this. The willingness of both WS and BS to honestly try to repair the marriage is the primary element to reconciliation - not time.

[i am gutted]

I didn't eve put the tree up this year.........cldnt be bothered. kids didn't care,,,,,,just doesn't feel right this year.....my dd was in july........2013 has been a **** year and I cant wait for it to be over...unfortunately my daughter feels the same, she is pretty devastated at what her dad has done.

in saying all that, the kids did have a good day and played poker til late in the night.....hope you all managed to have a reasonably good day. lets hope 2014 will be kinder to us all.

[Fredflintstone]

I echo what drifter had to say. The WS are almost all rug sweepers and just want to get back to normal as fast as they can. Most of the time they show remorse, some work very hard and are sorry after the fact. That does not make the pain and getting back to normal easy. You are looking at a two year process. You are at ten weeks. You are probably not even through the initial stages of grief yet.

 

 

Wait a few months and do not make any major decisions. Be honest with her and communicate the hurt she has done to you. Also be aware that cheaters tell you things in blocks. You will ask several questions and they hold onto information that they believe you are unaware of. The whole first six months are usually trickle truth, mind games and figuring out which direction the reconciliation is actually heading.

 

 

Cheaters want the normalcy of a relationship back after they have stabbed their spouse or significant other in the back. I understand it, who would want to be habitually reminded that they are the cause of another's persons grief out of selfishness, self-centeredness and poor boundaries. That is part of the reconciliation process whether they like it or not. It is not a one time discussion of the facts and we wake up the next morning with a clean slate. Remind her that her actions have consequences and you need answers and bringing the affair up will be part of you healing. If this is too much to ask maybe she is less than remorseful.

 

 

I am concerned about the communication in your relationship and that you blame yourself a bit. This is a common idea of a BS but you did not push your wife into an affair. Things get bad in relationships and you need to talk them out, not retreat to another person.

 

I do think that if I didn't treat her the way I did that she wouldn't of started on that slippery slope to affairville. After thinking about it more and more I realise her mistrust of me throughout our relationship was caused by her behaviour in the first place, I never went anywhere, I got used to not having friends because it was easier than the questions and accusations. Now however I'll not put myself in situation whereby I have nothing if she left. If she doesn't like what I've become she should reflect on what she did as far as I'm concerned, she actually created her worst nightmare by cheating on me. If she doesn't change herself on a personal level she'll get left behind. I know she doesn't want that but I'll not be someone who thinks about how she will feel if I decide to go out or take up a new sport after work. I want certain things out of life too.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Fredflintstone

[Oldspiceywolf]

I like your path.

I believe working out and building a life you enjoy is the best way to bothe get over relationship problems and to get a healthy relationship into ones life.

I've felt that when a person makes his life about his partner or relationship they close themselves off to new things and new interests, the relationship then gets stale because a partner is not growing or bringing anything new and exciting to the table.

Do what you need to do, she can either get on board or not, she can try to heal herself or not. Feel good that you gave her a shot at R but it's not on you to make it work(to some extent) you didn't cheat.

 

I've done this before so if your into fitness may I suggest crossfit, it's intense but it has a lot of support for its memeber because the goal is to become the best you can be. It's a great community where you can get fit and make friends but in my experience not all crossfit boxes are created equal so yelp it or something for good reviews.

[atreides]

I know it seems petty but it is one of the deal breakers for me. It says to me, that she doesn't respect me enough to keep her figure that she improved for other man. Like I'm not as worthy as he was to receive it.

 

 

I read your other post in Sophie's thread but I think the above at least for me, far out weighs the physical side/pride issue. The above quote is far from petty, and quite the opposite. Respect entails so much more than many argue in the context of "macho" as i have read in other threads here. It is the umbrella form which love, integrity, principle, trust ... just to name a few start.

 

Cheers

[lilmisscantbewrong]

There are lots of books out there - I am not a Harley fan and neither is my husband. I don't believe any of his techniques get done to the core reason why a person has an affair. He doesn't encourage IC - says it is a waste of time and focuses on the wrong thing (this was something I desperately needed or I knew I would end up in the same situation again) and one thing that blows my mind is that an affair child should not know their biological parent (even to the point of the BS raising the child as their own) in order to maintain NC. Rubbish. And he's made a lot do money. Does it work? Probably. But for how long? Are you just controlling the individual? I believe one has to go through an individual transformation for the marriage to work - control will never work.

 

At any rate - rant done - you are extremely fresh with this. It will take some time. I would say with the working out, she is probably depressed right now and oddly enough if she would start working out regularly again it would life her depression - she probably knows this - but once you start slacking (I have done the same) it's hard to maintain that discipline again. Do you work out? Maybe it's something you can do together?

[Steadfast]

I have become a strong advocate of the one-and-done philosophy. Hard line. Leave the shame and bitterness out, just legally finish what has been emotionally and romantically destroyed. I do realize it takes enormous courage and resolve. I was unable to do this, even though I knew I should.

 

Those who have adopted this mindset and carried it out seem to find success in all walks of life; personally and professionally. I don't believe it's an exaggeration to say if people absolutely knew cheating would end their marriage, far more would take the steps to insure things never get that far.

 

The reconciliation rate for divorced/remarried couples who adopt this hard - line seems to be much higher too. I don't have any official figures handy, but one certainty is the restoration of respect. Without that, success is impossible. It is a proven fact that disciplined people are more successful.

 

This is big-boy pants stuff. Nonsensical Greek to liberal-minded cheaters.

[Fredflintstone]

Lok and Fred,

 

If your wived were truly remorseful and not just sorry they were caught they would be gutted by their behaviour and willing to let you heal at your own pace. If they lash out occasionaly because they are human they would apologize for it. I firmly believe a remorseful wayward may need to be guided on their actions but will be open to doing whatever it takes to repair the marriage. If the wayward is closed off or unapproachable they may not be truly remorseful.

 

 

AP, your dday was not long ago, give your wife a break on her body. She hashad a lot to deal with, i am sure her "toned ass" are not on the forefront ofher concern. Being superficeal probably helped her get in this mess. Nor to mention it is easy to become depressed with everything goig o and winter. It is good she is going to go to a gym, it helps, but don't read so much into her letting herself go over the last little while.

 

 

Merry Christmas for those who celebrate.

 

I think my wife is truly remorseful, sometimes we'll be sat watching tv or laying in bed and she'll just start sobbing. She thinks about how pointless it has all been, how much destruction it's done and how lucky she is that I'm even talking to her. She's said many times that she doesn't feel worthy of my love but at the same time doesn't want me to go because of how much she loves me. I can see how badly things have affected her, I don't think it's an act either, you can't fake your health. We'll see how things go.

[peruano99]

I feel very much the same way. I'm a bh and my ww has also wanted to push things to being "normal". As far as I'm concerned it's just more selfish behavior of them wanting you to get over it fast and move on. Because for them there is no real pain. I mean yeah it's kind of painful to see the pain you've inflicted on ones you "love", but I don't think it can really compare with the pain that a bs feels when he finds that the one who was supposed to have his back and willingly choose him over other men, breaks that promise and forever the locality aspect is at the least changed, if not shattered forever.

 

Most of my family doesn't know and those who do encourage me to come back and make it work because I have such a great lady. Meanwhile most of the 65 lbs she dropped for her other man have slowly crept back on cause now, it's just me.....I mean, whom does she have to impress. I know it seems petty but it is one of the deal breakers for me. It says to me, that she doesn't respect me enough to keep her figure that she improved for other man. Like I'm not as worthy as he was to receive it. And just her knowing that's how I feel about it should be reason enough for a truly remorseful spouse to make it a priority.

 

Anyhow, I'm sure it will be really slow here for today as it's Christmas. But I wanted to take the time to let you know, that others are hurting just like you today, and you are not alone.......small consolation I know. But ya know what? Merry Christmas to us anyway. All of us here in affair land, the wandering spouses too, for I know there are many out there who did not at all realize the havoc this would reek on their loves.

 

You didn't get back together with your wife?