Made a big mistake, not sure where to go from here! :(

[what_a_blonde]

I really need some advice... and I'm embarrassed because ideally I shouldn't even be needing to ask for advice had I stuck to my guns.

 

I'll try to outline the main facts and cut to the chase...

 

1- This guy is no good for me, used me for sex (I allowed it.. my fault)

2- I went NC beginning of Nov, letting him know we don't belong in eachother's lives (he obviously, and selfishly, disagreed)

3- He begins texting me around Thanksgiving that he's "checking in" and saying he misses talking to me

4- I cave (I had too many glasses of wine that night)... text him back, then we've been texting every so often ever since

5- At first it was him initiating everything, during the day time, so it didn't seem completely like booty call texts. Texts usually consist of small talk, but then 2 nights in a row it was obvious it was just for a booty call

6- Its obvious that now that I'm starting to text him back again and being more responsive, he's not as "interested" and he's being much shorter. Whereas when I cut him off in Nov, and he was texting me, he would apologize saying "please don't think I'm a douche, i miss talking to you, etc." and was 100% the initiator.

 

Last night (Dec 23rd) he texts me late and asks if I'm in town for the holiday. I tell him yes, he asks what I'm up to...I tell him "baking cookies :)". He says "I want some!". Truth is, he was just testing to see if I would jump to it and offer to bring some.... then once he gets me to his house, he would try to have sex with me. I told him "my dad is staying with me"... which is a total lie. Truth is, I DON'T want to go over at night. I DON'T want to be put in that situation... I want him to see that all I want is to be friends now.. I want him to stop seeing me as a booty call and begin seeing me as a friend again (we were friends for 2 years before becoming intimate).

 

So today (Dec 24), like an idiot, I text him on a whim, tell him Merry Christmas Eve and early Christmas and ask if he likes Oreo balls, because I made some. He says "Very much so, bring some tomorrow :)"... I tell him "when will you be home"... he says "tomorrow night". (Christmas night). I told him "k, I saved some cookies too". He just replied " "

 

Now I'm ABSOLUTELY regretting this. I don't want to go by his house at night. He's trying to lure me. I hate this. I really just wanted to bring him some baked sweets during the DAY, wish him a Merry Christmas and have a small chat, and be on my way.

 

I'm also feeling like an idiot because I started NC in November.. now he's lured me back into being the one to text him.... and now that I finally am being "me" again and giving him attention, and being sweet and friendly like I used to be, he's pulling back. Blah.

 

What do I tell him tomorrow? Should I just tell him I will drop them off during the day but can't make it at night, and that they will be at his doorstep?

 

Do I not text at all and wait to see if he initiates? Do I text and tell him I've changed my mind and that us starting to text and talk again is a big mistake, and we both know where its going?

 

Sorry this is so long, but I really don't know what to do.

 

Merry Christmas to all.

[petall]

Given you say he's no good, I wouldn't even drop the cookies off.

 

 

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Make him wonder why you don't get back to him.... Make him wait and wait..... No contact means just that. You broke it but now stick to it. Don't give him any small opportunity to wheedle his way back. Keep him firmly shut off.

 

 

If he means to treat you better and wants a second chance, make him say these words and prove them first thru sustained actions over time before you commit again physically to him.

Edited December 25, 2013 by petall

[CrystalCastles]

Here's what I learned from my experiences with players (mind you I don't have many but I did learn a lot). Usually they start out strong, and when they think they've got you wrapped around their finger, they no longer need to put in an effort so they withdraw. By that time you're so hooked, you cannot think of anything else but them.

 

Of course he'd come back when you went NC. He freaked out that he lost you, that his "charms" were no longer working! He lured you back in, and now he's withdrawing again. You need to go NC and STAY NC! This guy is toxic. He is also playing games. I for one, cannot stand guys who play games. Can you?

 

DON'T GO TO HIS HOUSE. F*CK HIM. He doesn't need cookies. He doesn't need anything from you except sex. And you're going to give it to him just like that? Don't you think you deserve better? Whatever you do, don't go to his f*cking house. He can choke on his own sh*t, he doesn't need cookies. Save them for someone who cares about you.

 

And the fact that you were friends for two years? Yeah, f*ck that too. Apparently according to him, your friendship has no meaning to him whatsoever. He's using you like some plaything and he'll toss you away once something better comes along.

 

Seriously woman, think! You deserve a guy who loves you! Who loves you for you, not for your vagina! Good grief! DON'T GO TO HIS F*CKING HOUSE! You'll only be making more and more mistakes if you do.

 

And while you're at it, delete him from facebook, instagram, twitter, everything. Delete his number, block him everywhere and go NC. AND DO NOT BREAK IT!

[what_a_blonde]

Given you say he's no good, I wouldn't even drop the cookies off.

 

 

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Make him wonder why you don't get back to him.... Make him wait and wait..... No contact means just that. You broke it but now stick to it. Don't give him any small opportunity to wheedle his way back. Keep him firmly shut off.

 

 

If he means to treat you better and wants a second chance, make him say these words and prove them first thru sustained actions over time before you commit again physically to him.

 

So....no heads up at all? (i.e. "Hey sorry, can't make it tonight after all"). Just wait to see if he actually texts me to see if I'm coming... and then what? Just don't text him back?

 

Sorry for all the questions.. just really need the advice so I appreciate you posting.

[what_a_blonde]

Here's what I learned from my experiences with players (mind you I don't have many but I did learn a lot). Usually they start out strong, and when they think they've got you wrapped around their finger, they no longer need to put in an effort so they withdraw. By that time you're so hooked, you cannot think of anything else but them.

 

Of course he'd come back when you went NC. He freaked out that he lost you, that his "charms" were no longer working! He lured you back in, and now he's withdrawing again. You need to go NC and STAY NC! This guy is toxic. He is also playing games. I for one, cannot stand guys who play games. Can you?

 

DON'T GO TO HIS HOUSE. F*CK HIM. He doesn't need cookies. He doesn't need anything from you except sex. And you're going to give it to him just like that? Don't you think you deserve better? Whatever you do, don't go to his f*cking house. He can choke on his own sh*t, he doesn't need cookies. Save them for someone who cares about you.

 

And the fact that you were friends for two years? Yeah, f*ck that too. Apparently according to him, your friendship has no meaning to him whatsoever. He's using you like some plaything and he'll toss you away once something better comes along.

 

Seriously woman, think! You deserve a guy who loves you! Who loves you for you, not for your vagina! Good grief! DON'T GO TO HIS F*CKING HOUSE! You'll only be making more and more mistakes if you do.

 

And while you're at it, delete him from facebook, instagram, twitter, everything. Delete his number, block him everywhere and go NC. AND DO NOT BREAK IT!

 

Thanks. You made it very clear... and thats what I needed pounded and re-emphasized.. I WILL NOT go to his F*CKING house! I so appreciate that.. for real.

 

Now.. I've deleted him from FB (the only social media I had him on).. and I think he freaked out on that. Just haven't blocked his # yet.

 

So, tomorrow night... eventually he will text to see if I'm coming.. do I just not respond at all?

 

Do I respond back, telling him I changed my mind... that we both know where this is going... we were a mistake.. and I can't be the girl he wants? Then go NC?

 

ETA**And to answer your question... I hate these games. I've never experienced a guy like this. I'm not saying I thought I was immune to them, but I always considered myself as having fairly decent judgement... and the fact we were good friends to start made me trust him... then we got physically involved... and its all been downhill from there. I hate his games... hate hate hate. I honestly wish I could go back to never having met him.

Edited December 25, 2013 by what_a_blonde

[CrystalCastles]

Thanks. You made it very clear... and thats what I needed pounded and re-emphasized.. I WILL NOT go to his F*CKING house! I so appreciate that.. for real.

 

Now.. I've deleted him from FB (the only social media I had him on).. and I think he freaked out on that. Just haven't blocked his # yet.

 

So, tomorrow night... eventually he will text to see if I'm coming.. do I just not respond at all?

 

Do I respond back, telling him I changed my mind... that we both know where this is going... we were a mistake.. and I can't be the girl he wants? Then go NC?

 

Good! Trust me, I've had to pound that into mine plenty of times. But it helps. Because it prevents you from being sucked into what is already an ugly situation.

 

Good. Who cares if he freaked. He can freak all he wants. He can crap his pants for all you care. He is a selfish pig and you're better off being rid of him. Block his number. Block his facebook because unless you do, he can still harass you on there.

 

Do not send him anything. He certainly doesn't treat you with respect, so why should you show him respect?

 

Again, do not send him anything. No emails, no facebook messages, no texts. Nothing. He will probably try to reach you by blowing up your phone, messaging you on facebook, emailing you. Ignore it all. That's how you deal with toxic people. You get rid of them. You don't need to announce that you're getting rid of him. You just do it. Then you get out and meet new people and surround yourself with friends and family and people who genuinely care about you. Which does not include this guy.

 

One last time. Do not send him anything. I cannot emphasize this enough. It will make you look weak and needy. Like you can't live without him. And it will open up a path for him to beg and plead for you to come back.

[CrystalCastles]

ETA**And to answer your question... I hate these games. I've never experienced a guy like this. I'm not saying I thought I was immune to them, but I always considered myself as having fairly decent judgement... and the fact we were good friends to start made me trust him... then we got physically involved... and its all been downhill from there. I hate his games... hate hate hate. I honestly wish I could go back to never having met him.

 

Oops, missed this part!

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes it's easy to fall for these traps because you genuinely want to believe that someone is into you.

 

It's happened to me before. Once almost a year ago, and I went nuts over the guy and it took forever to get over him. Now it's happening to me again, but I'm ready. The guy invited me over to his house on the first date (people on Loveshack went ballistic when I posted about it, you can read my thread by accessing it through my account) and honestly his actions, professions of love to me and how he was so happy I agreed to go out with him, and how hot he thinks I am, are all a sham. People like this will say anything, and do anything, and make any kind of promise to get into your pants. You just need to guard your feelings, and be careful who you trust. If a guy backs up his feelings with actions, then you can trust him. If not, then no. But give him a chance to prove himself.

 

Your situation was tough because he was a friend. Did he ask you out? Or did you just get together and decide to have sex? What happened exactly?

 

With my situation, my player has started playing games with me via texting and facebook. You know, waiting for long periods of time (days) before he replies. I know he checks his phone every hour, he does that on our dates. And other games. When this kind of thing starts to happen, you walk away and go NC. People like this are a waste of space. They get a girl by messing with her head, then they climb into her pants, then they keep her around for sex while bragging to their buddies about how "manly" they are. People like that aren't worth your time.

[what_a_blonde]

Good! Trust me, I've had to pound that into mine plenty of times. But it helps. Because it prevents you from being sucked into what is already an ugly situation.

 

Good. Who cares if he freaked. He can freak all he wants. He can crap his pants for all you care. He is a selfish pig and you're better off being rid of him. Block his number. Block his facebook because unless you do, he can still harass you on there.

 

Do not send him anything. He certainly doesn't treat you with respect, so why should you show him respect?

 

Again, do not send him anything. No emails, no facebook messages, no texts. Nothing. He will probably try to reach you by blowing up your phone, messaging you on facebook, emailing you. Ignore it all. That's how you deal with toxic people. You get rid of them. You don't need to announce that you're getting rid of him. You just do it. Then you get out and meet new people and surround yourself with friends and family and people who genuinely care about you. Which does not include this guy.

 

One last time. Do not send him anything. I cannot emphasize this enough. It will make you look weak and needy. Like you can't live without him. And it will open up a path for him to beg and plead for you to come back.

 

I agree with you.

 

I guess I can't help but feel like I'll look like the jerk, and like I'm playing games, for saying I would bring him something... then completely not sticking to my word- and not only that. Not responding to him at all. Which he knows is TOTALLY not like me.

 

I know that is what needs to be done, but I've been so naive and stupid and playing these games, that I still find a way to make myself feel guilty for "standing him up".. when really.. thats what needed to happen to start. I should have never even offered to bring anything.

 

Guess I feel like it will be mean to do that to him.. but holy heck... why does that even matter? Look what he's done to me in the past.. and we know he's only being "kind" to me in the interim (nevermind already starting to "pull away" again) so that he can get some again. He's selfish. And I've been naive.. but won't fall for his crap again. Just need to stop feeling guilty when I have every right to dish out the same back to him. This sounds pathetic, I know. I just need to find that mean bone in my body.. actually- my backbone. The one that doesn't put up with crap and doesn't feel a thing for giving somewhat what they deserve.

Edited December 25, 2013 by what_a_blonde

[CrystalCastles]

why does that even matter?

 

There! You said it yourself! It doesn't matter what he thinks, how he's feeling etc. Do you know why? Because how you feel and what you think doesn't matter to him.

[what_a_blonde]

Oops, missed this part!

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes it's easy to fall for these traps because you genuinely want to believe that someone is into you.

 

It's happened to me before. Once almost a year ago, and I went nuts over the guy and it took forever to get over him. Now it's happening to me again, but I'm ready. The guy invited me over to his house on the first date (people on Loveshack went ballistic when I posted about it, you can read my thread by accessing it through my account) and honestly his actions, professions of love to me and how he was so happy I agreed to go out with him, and how hot he thinks I am, are all a sham. People like this will say anything, and do anything, and make any kind of promise to get into your pants. You just need to guard your feelings, and be careful who you trust. If a guy backs up his feelings with actions, then you can trust him. If not, then no. But give him a chance to prove himself.

 

Your situation was tough because he was a friend. Did he ask you out? Or did you just get together and decide to have sex? What happened exactly?

 

With my situation, my player has started playing games with me via texting and facebook. You know, waiting for long periods of time (days) before he replies. I know he checks his phone every hour, he does that on our dates. And other games. When this kind of thing starts to happen, you walk away and go NC. People like this are a waste of space. They get a girl by messing with her head, then they climb into her pants, then they keep her around for sex while bragging to their buddies about how "manly" they are. People like that aren't worth your time.

 

You hit the nail on the head. I was missing ... IGNORING... so many signs.

 

As far as him asking me out.. its a long story, but basically one night he professed his love to me. I was in denial because I thought we were just friends. Months go by, we continue to talk about "that night" that he professed his love and said he wanted to be with me.. etc... etc. I finally become happy with the idea of possibly being more with him.

 

By then, he had decided, but not telling me, that he actually only wanted it to be "two friends having fun". Again though, by then we had already been out on a couple mini-dates, were texting alot.. and I ended up sleeping with him twice. I made the mistake of sleeping with him 3x more afterward (because I told myself.. "its cool, you can be cool with this... whats so bad about being his fwb?"), then realized real quick how sh*tty it was and it wasn't for me.

 

Sorry, that was long.

 

So, now with your story... this guy that invited you over to his house... is it the same guy that played you a while ago and took you forever to get over? Is he coming back now that you're over him?

Edited December 25, 2013 by what_a_blonde

[ExpatInItaly]

Just tell him you're busy with family things so you can't make it, but Merry Christmas. Leave it at that. There's no need to give some long-winded explanation about it not being right, not being the girl for him, etc...truth be told, he probably doesn't care so much about that.

 

Don't participate in his silly games anymore.

[what_a_blonde]

There's no need to give some long-winded explanation about it not being right, not being the girl for him, etc...truth be told, he probably doesn't care so much about that.

 

You're so right. Wish I could have realized he didn't truly care at all a very long time ago before I become emotionally invested in this. My own naive fault.

[FrankieFrank]

IMO you can just not respond altogether.

 

But please, do not carry that habit over for normal guys who haven't hurt you. This is only for d-bags like that guy in question.

[deathandtaxes]

Please, please go hard NC on him pronto. You don't owe him an explanation. It is your RIGHT to contact or not to. Ignore his texts. Find a way to block his number. Let him stupidly fire off texts into the void.

 

 

Do not be friends with him. You cannot be friends with this guy.

[CrystalCastles]

You hit the nail on the head. I was missing ... IGNORING... so many signs.

 

As far as him asking me out.. its a long story, but basically one night he professed his love to me. I was in denial because I thought we were just friends. Months go by, we continue to talk about "that night" that he professed his love and said he wanted to be with me.. etc... etc. I finally become happy with the idea of possibly being more with him.

 

By then, he had decided, but not telling me, that he actually only wanted it to be "two friends having fun". Again though, by then we had already been out on a couple mini-dates, were texting alot.. and I ended up sleeping with him twice. I made the mistake of sleeping with him 3x more afterward (because I told myself.. "its cool, you can be cool with this... whats so bad about being his fwb?"), then realized real quick how sh*tty it was and it wasn't for me.

 

Sorry, that was long.

 

So, now with your story... this guy that invited you over to his house... is it the same guy that played you a while ago and took you forever to get over? Is he coming back now that you're over him?

 

Nope, the guy in my thread is a different one. The guy in my thread is Player #2. Player #1 was the one I couldn't get over. I'm done with Player #2. I was suspicious about him for a while, so I tread carefully with my feelings. Turns out I was right. And I really don't care if he comes back or if he doesn't come back. I don't want him. I know I'll see him at the gym at school, so I'll be cordial (I'm not the type to make a scene) but otherwise I won't give him the time of day. I'm not short on options, I've had lots of guys approach me before, so I'm not upset.

 

And your guy. His professions of love? Yeah, guys like that will profess anything. If you tell them you are only looking for a relationship, guys like that will say, "oh me too!". They will profess love to you, promise to get you the moon and stars, anything to get into your pants. None of it is real. None of this guy's words are backed up with actions. Print off this thread, stick it to your wall and read it every day until it drives the point home. Sounds like you've caught feelings for this guy, and they're clouding your judgement. Take your rose colored glasses off and keep posting on here.

 

Ignoring signs is easy to do when you like someone. I did that with Player #1. Ignored all the signs because I liked the guy and didn't want to acknowledge all the bad stuff. Eventually you have to because this situation will drive you nuts.

[CrystalCastles]

But please, do not carry that habit over for normal guys who haven't hurt you. This is only for d-bags like that guy in question.

 

^^^THIS^^^

 

Good guys are hard to come by as it is.

[what_a_blonde]

IMO you can just not respond altogether.

 

But please, do not carry that habit over for normal guys who haven't hurt you. This is only for d-bags like that guy in question.

 

Agree. And what sucks is that it's guys like this (and girls), that make us skeptical and freak out at little signs or reminders even when good ones do come around.

 

I know what I deserve, but I've had the rose colored glasses on thinking he will eventually come around once he's done dealing with what he is dealing with in his life right now.

 

But f that. He's taken advantage of my kindness, somehow I've fallen for him and completely ignored all the bad things... And I'm so ready to be over him.

[what_a_blonde]

So, I ended up riding it out on Christmas Day.

 

Sure enough, NOTHING from him. Which is actually a good thing since I wasn't wanting to go over to his house after all.

 

Still feeling slightly annoyed with him in general though. If I WOULD have caved though, and text him to say "Hey, when can I stop by and drop the sweets off?"... his response undoubtedly would have been "Oh sorry, I'm not home tonight..." with some line of bs attached to it.

 

I don't understand how any man can do this. Initiate the text, apologize for all they've done and for being a d-bag, etc., then less than 2 weeks later turn back into that same d-bag he was from the start.

 

Why are men this way??? And what did I do to run across this guy? Blah!