Feeling Significantly Disadvantaged

[Kaiten]

So here's how it goes:

 

I had three best friends that I was actually close enough to to where we would talk and it was acceptable to hang out at random times. One moved to a different state, the other went to college, and the last one stopped being my friend because I don't go to church anymore.

 

After I stopped going to church, really...I think my phone rang about 4 times in the last 9 months. I haven't had much interaction with people since then.

 

I decided that I wanted to follow my dream and church was intent on preventing that from happening. I'm not the type to let myself turn 60 years old and look back on my life and blame someone else because I didn't do what I wanted. So I left.

 

I successfully finished a project, started a blog, and even wrote a novel. All in just the last 7 months. And once I finished it, I realized just how little support I had. I have 500 friends on facebook. All of whom I (used to) message and get a reply from almost immediately. When I released my book, no one read it. No one mentioned it. When i call people, they don't answer. If i text, no reply.

 

My whole life was in the church up until this year when i became an atheist. They don't know I'm an atheist but they still don't pay me much mind.

 

I would love to know "How does a 22 year old male start over?" I really want to try starting my own business and everything. Writing isn't going to work for me because I can't get anybody to read it. On my blog, I can see when someone visits. I get visitors but no one interacts with it. It's like church people just read it and judge. (they always tell me they read it later.)

 

I can't go to college because I don't have the money, and I don't want to go into debt for it. I know I have what it takes to make it as an entrepreneur, but I don't have any support where I am now. What should I do?

 

It feels like people are, for the most part, unaware of my existence. To be frank, this has been a lonely year. I always ask myself, "Why pay the phone bill when no one calls you?" but then I remember that it's great having GPS wherever I go!

 

But on a serious note, I have thought a lot about suicide this year. A lot.

 

The only reason i haven't gone through with it is because I know that if I do, then there will be a ton of people crying and being melodramatic as **** about it. And then they might turn my facebook page into some shrine dedicated to me.

 

**** THAT!

 

I'm not going to let a bunch of people who don't even talk to me or look at me when they see me in public do me like they do everyone else who commits suicide! I'm not going to let them pretend they love me more than words can say. I refuse to go out that way...and yet sometimes I feel as if it's not worth the effort. I'll strive on until I just can't see a way anymore.

 

What does someone in this situation do????????

[Els]

You mention not being able to afford college. So what are you doing currently? Do you work? Who do you interact with in your daily life?

 

Have you thought of taking a working holiday to another country (basically you gets a visa that lets you tour and work to support yourself for a few months) as a sort of 'gap year'? Sounds like the perfect time to do it. You'll meet people, see new things, probably learn a whole new way of looking at things and a fresh perspective on life.

[todreaminblue]

I often force myself into seclusion normally when i am too involved in others........and i cant do it anymore......i get drained.....i have tried to commit suicide and i have to say if people think its taking the easy way out try having your stomach pumped while conscious.......suicide is never a first choice nor can it be your last choice.....it is not having a choice anymore...you are a fighter keep fighting....what elswyth said about a job overseas sounds like an option.......one way to be inspired with writing is to meet people all walks of life...if you want to feel inspired...inspire others to tell you their stories their lives....their struggles...and you will see ....we all struggle... ....you might not have had luck with your first book some people struggle to get published or seen and often the best artists arent in view until they pass away ....starving artists have a driving passion to get their work out there.......

 

 

 

don't give up on your writing keep blogging keep writing..i struggle with thinking my writing is stupid and worthless have neer besides volunteering my work had it published i give it away because i like too......so i dont get published or even attempt to ...i have books upon books i have written and thrown.......i used to write prolifically poems visions, prose, philosphical musings faith related inspirational pieces......... loads of things dreams i had...like photographs of me words are pictures of me so i deleted them like i rip up photos ..............one day a masterpiece may hit your mind that could change the world......dont say nah.......or scoff....it is how it happens..........

 

 

 

good luck keep writing......it may be me who buys your book and it inspires me to save somethingi have written instead of trash....i looked at a guy who keeps all his artwork even half sketches....it inspired me to think about that delete button before i hit it...even his unfinished work had beauty......never give up words...... the world needs more inspiration from writers ......to write on themselves............deb

[Kaiten]

I appreciate you guys' replies. After thinking it over some more I am starting to think that suicide really is the best option for me, personally. What people do after I'm gone I can't control.

[regine_phalange]

Hey, merry xmas to you.

 

If I knew you, I would hang out with you gladly. You seem like a nice person. I also like writing. At the same time, it seems also like almost everyone is ignoring me. That's allright, you know. I ignore them too. There are thousands and thousands of people in this world. Delete the ones you dont interact with on facebook... Or deactivate your account. Also, sometimes the happiness I take from writing takes my attention away from people.

 

Id say.. Start making a plan. You have very nice and creative things you want to do, like starting a business. So get into it! Do whatever it takes. If you dont have the money, work somewhere else until you have it. Dont give up anything. Keep picturing how would you like it to be and how you would make it true,

 

And the suicide thing... Its probable that you are having some chemical imbalance. I have had this kind of thing, tried lights therapy, and never came back. I would have missed so much if I just killed my self. Seek medical advice, it can help you felel better in a heartbeat.

[gaius]

I already don't feel like answering you after Elswyth and deb wrote you some nice posts and you didn't even bother to directly answer them in your reply. That's how you get people to love you, gotta give them something of value. Just saying thanks when you're asked a question doesn't cut it.

 

I hope you know suicide is a sin . If you're serious, good luck on the other side whatever it might be. I'm not going to beg you to stay. Some other posters might be along soon to do just that. It won't make them love or value you though.

[lollipopspot]

You mention your life being church. Do you live in the bible belt? I am wondering if you are in an area that will make it difficult for you to meet more like-minded people. If so, then moving might be a good move for you, particularly onto one of the coasts.

 

I would personally be unhappy in a very religious area of America (among other reasons because I don't find religious people all that compassionate to nonhumans, and I don't want to live around that). Geography really can be important to happiness.

[Kaiten]

These are interesting points. Although I may not specifically acknowledge you, i do read all the comments to me threads out of respect for people.

 

I'd rather not get overly-sentimental about it. I read somewhere not that long ago that perhaps people should respect others' right to "opt out" of life. I don't have a family or kids so I don't leave a thing behind.

 

It turns out that I do live deep in the bible belt. It has been extremely hard finding people who are like minded. I am actually an atheist now so I don't see the harm in losing life. I just want to do something before that....just something meaningful. I've ****ed up a lot in life. But still, there have been some good times. Whatever you do don't feel sorry for me. Because all of this is my decision. I own up to the mistakes I made. It's my decision to be an atheist. it was my decision to try and be an author instead of doing what people normally do. It will be my decision to opt out.

[lollipopspot]

It turns out that I do live deep in the bible belt. It has been extremely hard finding people who are like minded. I am actually an atheist now...

 

Seriously, get out of there before you make any big decisions about your life. There's a whole world beyond what you've grown up around. Many people who aren't religious would find some of those areas intolerable and isolating.

[Els]

Suicide is a permanent (bad) solution to a temporary and completely surmountable problem. There are plenty of options for a young person to leave the place they were born in and seek a better, more compatible environment and set of friends.

 

I strongly urge you to call a helpline (not a religious one, a medical one, preferably not in your locality).

[RedRobin]

One of my best male friends was in a similar place as you emotionally... a number of years ago after being heartbroken over a breakup.

 

 

He had few friends (I was one of them)... He had moved here from another state. People in his church were like the ones you describe. All love and kisses at church, but no warmth outside of it.

 

 

He started by getting a pet. Two pet rats. Yep. Rats. They have a life span of about two years. That was his self-appointed horizon on earth. He figured he could force himself to live for at least another two years. Then he bought two more after those died... and two more after that. They really do make great pets.

 

 

During that time, he joined a running organization and started volunteering for them. That morphed into gigs where he gets paid to do the timing. He got to the point in running that he qualified and ran the Boston Marathon. He also did a 50 miler (!!)

 

 

He volunteered for a local improv group and started taking classes with them. He eventually got so good, they invited him to join the troupe. He now gets paid to do that and give classes there himself.

 

 

He's had a great girlfriend now, who I will say is a MUCH better person and human being than the woman who dumped him.

 

 

I'd like to think I had a hand in helping him through this tough time. I've had my own hard times too... and he was always there.

 

 

Try volunteering. The world is full of lonely people and you could help make their day. People at senior centers are some of the loneliest. Many of them have children who don't even visit them. Imagine how that might feel.

 

 

Volunteer at an animal shelter. They are stuck in pens and cages and often don't get a lot of affection. You will be the bright spot in an animal's day. Even for a few minutes.

[Kaiten]

RedRobin, that actually brings to mind something I've always wanted to do...Thank you...the reason I started writing was for others. You've helped me see something incredibly important.