Finally Over My Ex and Just Jot a Text From Her

[theothersully]

I'm fully over my ex wife now. Forgive her (because i don't care anymore) and am ready for something new and sane in life. So I texted her to be nice and see about being civil/friendly. I have zero romantic interest anymore. Here is how it went. Kinda hurts my brain to read her response. It's trying to be mean (but i don't care eve a little if she is getting remarried) and oh so dumb.... god was she dumb and mean.

 

 

Me: Friendly question. Where did you get your tat done and are you happy with it? I'm looking for places between NYC and Miami to get 2 sleeves and a neck tattoo.

 

Her: (no response)

 

Me: Look, you lived with Greg and Toni for 20 years or so. You lived with me for 12. You spent half as much time with me as you did with them. We ought to remain friendly, don't you think?

 

(greg and toni are her parents)

 

Me: Let's stop the bs and mean stuff.

 

Me: And be civil... at Christmas.

 

Her: Thank you for reminding me to civil during Christmas with my fiancee's family. Don't know what I would do without that advice. Have a good holiday season.

 

Me: It just keeps going like this? I am simply saying we should be civil toward one another after so many years. Like most humans. psst... unless you are marrying a chick, it's fiance.

[Thedafox]

Are you sure you're over her? Why would you message her about tattoos? Can't search up reviews online for places? None of your friends have tattoos?

 

Why did you think it was a good idea to message your ex wife with something such as tattoos in the first place?

 

You also seemed to be practically begging from a response, her silence should have given you all the answers in the world but you kept pushing so she sent you a message which she knew would hurt you.

 

 

Just let it be man, if you got hurt by that text than you aren't truly over her.

 

Stay strong.

[theothersully]

These texts were sent weeks apart, which I didn't mention... tattoos, weeks ago,civil at Christmas, tonight.

 

Not hurt at all. Just think now that I don't care anymore, it would be best to have a civil type of interaction.

 

I messaged about tattoos to open up a friendly conversation about something aside from us/divorce, etc.

 

Her parents bought a house from my mom and they are close by in a small town. I have to contend with these connections and frankly, do not think NC is good for anything but the most insane situations.

 

I can dig up and have conversations with a number of my exes. My ex wife should be no different.

 

Not hurt by the text, just surprised after all the evil that came my way, there is still more in there.

Edited December 25, 2013 by theothersully

[Mascara]

There is no "should" about anything. She has the right to not want to be friends with you. She has the right to not want to communicate with you. Are you saying she has to be civil to you, she has to respond to you - she has no say in the matter?

 

A year ago, I broke up with someone. Six months later he sent me a bouquet of flowers, and it annoyed the hell out of me because it was like he was forcing me to contact him to acknowledge them.

 

If you choose to contact her, fine. But remember, she has choices too. She has no obligation to interact with you just because you think she "should".

[mammasita]

I don't see a point in trying to be friends/civil. You can get great info about tattoos from........*gasp* google

[theothersully]

There is no "should" about anything. She has the right to not want to be friends with you. She has the right to not want to communicate with you. Are you saying she has to be civil to you, she has to respond to you - she has no say in the matter?

 

A year ago, I broke up with someone. Six months later he sent me a bouquet of flowers, and it annoyed the hell out of me because it was like he was forcing me to contact him to acknowledge them.

 

If you choose to contact her, fine. But remember, she has choices too. She has no obligation to interact with you just because you think she "should".

 

Too bad.

 

I do whatever I want in life. I do not need to worry about her reaction.

 

If she doesn't go along with it, so be it. If we become civil, that is a positive thing in both our lives, in general. If you are with someone, 24/7/365, best friends, for more than 1/3 of the time they have lived on Earth, it makes sense to be nice to each other, rather than hate the person for all eternity.

 

Roses? Sure, that is weird. That is a love thing. Being civil and cordial is not. I know her better than anyone else on this planet does and she knows me at the same level.

 

There comes a time to put ego and hate aside and be a decent human being. Now is that time on my end because I am over her completely. I have no feelings, except distant, platonic friendship and would not take her back if she came with a $10mil dowry. lol Not wife material. But, she makes a decent friend.

 

Got a couple more texts later at 2:00am wishing me a Merry Christmas and asking how I have been. A first few steps to civility.

 

This is a positive thing, despite her first text trying to hurt me, which she can't, since I have no feelings for her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Really?

This wasn't mean at all given the context.

You are divorced/divorcing.

She is getting remarried.

She has given some pretty clear signs that she does not wish to remain in contact with you and you are trying to guilt her into it because she should be "like your other exes."

 

Clearly she's not. Clearly she doesn't want contact. And being civil means backing off someone who doesn't want contact.

You aren't buddies. You are EXES.

Abd now you have morphed into that "annoying ex that won't go away abd contacts her on holidays while she is trying to be with her new guy because YIU can't move on." (At least that is how it will look)

 

When your relationship is done. It is DONE. Not done "but we can keep the friendship universally."

 

Some people can, but with a relationship this long and her getting remarried. She's going to want to lose that baggage.

 

The nicest thing she could say about it was sarcastic.

Your repeated, unwelcome contact based on your idea that "she should blah blah blah" regàrdkess of how SHE FEELS about it is what's mean. I can see why you are exes.

 

Too bad.

 

I do whatever I want in life. I do not need to worry about her reaction.

 

If she doesn't go along with it, so be it. If we become civil, that is a positive thing in both our lives, in general. If you are with someone, 24/7/365, best friends, for more than 1/3 of the time they have lived on Earth, it makes sense to be nice to each other, rather than hate the person for all eternity.

 

Roses? Sure, that is weird. That is a love thing. Being civil and cordial is not. I know her better than anyone else on this planet does and she knows me at the same level.

 

There comes a time to put ego and hate aside and be a decent human being. Now is that time on my end because I am over her completely. I have no feelings, except distant, platonic friendship and would not take her back if she came with a $10mil dowry. lol Not wife material. But, she makes a decent friend.

 

Got a couple more texts later at 2:00am wishing me a Merry Christmas and asking how I have been. A first few steps to civility.

 

This is a positive thing, despite her first text trying to hurt me, which she can't, since I have no feelings for her.

[dreamingoftigers]

2:00 am. Probably after some wine etc.

[Mascara]

Too bad.

 

I do whatever I want in life. I do not need to worry about her reaction.

 

That's right, you don't. But she can do what she wants too. Including ignoring you if she chooses.

 

Telling her she "should" do one thing or another makes a hypocrisy about your assertion that YOU can do what you want, and YOU do not need to worry about her reaction. Apparently you have those rights, but she doesn't?

 

She doesn't HAVE to do anything.

[MrStinky]

There comes a time to put ego and hate aside and be a decent human being. Now is that time on my end because I am over her completely. I have no feelings, except distant, platonic friendship and would not take her back if she came with a $10mil dowry. lol Not wife material. But, she makes a decent friend.

 

Got a couple more texts later at 2:00am wishing me a Merry Christmas and asking how I have been. A first few steps to civility.

 

This is a positive thing, despite her first text trying to hurt me, which she can't, since I have no feelings for her.

 

 

You are over her completely yet you are on a forum talking about her?

 

 

You are still hurt. You still want to get back the part of your ego that was lost in all of this.

 

 

Just move on and go NC once again. Don't be anybody's fool

[dreamingoftigers]

You are over her completely yet you are on a forum talking about her?

 

 

You are still hurt. You still want to get back the part of your ego that was lost in all of this.

 

 

Just move on and go NC once again. Don't be anybody's fool

 

About how "mean and dumb" she is.

 

Probably because she is no longer on the same playground so he can't pull her pigtails. :facepalm:

[Eggplant]

Do you have kids together or something? Why do you need to keep in touch?

[Allumere]

I get it. I do not see an issue with being civil. Time has passed, she has moved on. And you feel you have as well. It isn't always about rekindling anything, rather simply acknowledging the other person was a part of your life for a period of time and honoring that. Sometimes it works out. You check in with each others during the holidays or birthdays...basically a "you alive? Good. Hope you are wekk...etc." Sometimes people do become friendly if not friends after time has pass. Its simply giving a crap about another human. If the other person doesn't respond or is put off, well that's OK too and to be honest that is usually a reflection on them and things they haven't dealt with (and that is OK too..some things can take a long, long time). If my ex-husband reached out I'm not sure I would acknowledge however I sent him a very simple card forgiving him a while ago. I didn't want a response, stated as much, but felt he should know and that he should forgive himself, be a better man, take care of himself and always be there for his kid. Just a few days ago someone I dated that really really hurt me contacted me. Hadn't heard a peep in 18 months. He wanted to apologize and talk about what happened. I'm over the hurt and over that relationship so why wouldn't I accept the apology or speak with him. He is happily married but how things ended has weighed on him and he cares for me. I don't know. I get NC and I certainly get why if someone is still really hurting they would not want to entertain any dialog but I find it to be such a power game in a lot of cases.

that it is silly.

[theothersully]

As the other woman recently said in a different thread, we sure have a lot of morons in here. I'll do whatever the f#ck I want to. Looks like some of you have just been waiting for the moment to jump on me. Guess what? I don't care. I'm going to stay in touch with this ex instead of harboring a grudge, as with any ex. You can't stop me.

 

Dreaming oftigers...

 

The woman is diagnosed ptsd, borderline, etc and has been on meds for it sine I knew her. Helped her battled this with her for 12 years, 10 married. Yes, dumb and mean are a result. Her mom is diagnosed schizophrenic and her great aunt is one of the people who has a lobotomy.

 

So go F yourself. thanks. I'm pretty sure I can do whatever I want in terms of remaining friends.

[theothersully]

That's right, you don't. But she can do what she wants too. Including ignoring you if she chooses.

 

Telling her she "should" do one thing or another makes a hypocrisy about your assertion that YOU can do what you want, and YOU do not need to worry about her reaction. Apparently you have those rights, but she doesn't?

 

She doesn't HAVE to do anything.

 

Right, but she did.... got back to me later.

 

I prefer to be civil. She agrees.

 

You all may not, but you all weren't married to us for 10 years, were you?

[theothersully]

I get it. I do not see an issue with being civil. Time has passed, she has moved on. And you feel you have as well. It isn't always about rekindling anything, rather simply acknowledging the other person was a part of your life for a period of time and honoring that. Sometimes it works out. You check in with each others during the holidays or birthdays...basically a "you alive? Good. Hope you are wekk...etc." Sometimes people do become friendly if not friends after time has pass. Its simply giving a crap about another human. If the other person doesn't respond or is put off, well that's OK too and to be honest that is usually a reflection on them and things they haven't dealt with (and that is OK too..some things can take a long, long time). If my ex-husband reached out I'm not sure I would acknowledge however I sent him a very simple card forgiving him a while ago. I didn't want a response, stated as much, but felt he should know and that he should forgive himself, be a better man, take care of himself and always be there for his kid. Just a few days ago someone I dated that really really hurt me contacted me. Hadn't heard a peep in 18 months. He wanted to apologize and talk about what happened. I'm over the hurt and over that relationship so why wouldn't I accept the apology or speak with him. He is happily married but how things ended has weighed on him and he cares for me. I don't know. I get NC and I certainly get why if someone is still really hurting they would not want to entertain any dialog but I find it to be such a power game in a lot of cases.

that it is silly.

 

 

Exactly. Thank you.

 

It is about salvaging a platonic friendship with someone who was my best friend for 12 years. We should not hate each other because of a divorce. You never know.... I might meet my next wife through her and her new dude. I am way over it and happy to remain friends.

 

She has indicated she is almost ready for that too.

[theothersully]

I don't understand why you contacted her if you are over her. Don't you realize that this can spark emotions in either of you?

 

I think that's why so many people here push for NC. It's just too confusing for the brain, emotions, etc.

 

It could, but not on my end. I'm done. The other dude can definitely have that mess. She is very, very unstable in a relationship and all the mental disorders are soooo exhausting. I would never do that again. He can have her. But... if he does all that heavy lifting, no reason I can't be civil with her. This is a huuuuge number of years. 1/4 of my life, 1/3 of hers. We should remain friendly.

[theothersully]

You are awfully defensive of this woman who you are "completely over". Try not to take your frustration out on the board as most of us are legit trying to give you our advise.

 

You certainly aren't the only one who has gone through this, including the remaining friends, re-initiating contact, etc. So just try to chill please.

 

Won't do any of us any good to be anything less than civil here.

 

No no... that was directed at dreaming of tigers who attacked me. Nobody else. Sorry if it didn't appear that way. Your response was great and got its own response.

 

Since she attacked me, i hit back. That's kind of how I am, so....

[theothersully]

You are awfully defensive of this woman who you are "completely over". Try not to take your frustration out on the board as most of us are legit trying to give you our advise.

 

You certainly aren't the only one who has gone through this, including the remaining friends, re-initiating contact, etc. So just try to chill please.

 

Won't do any of us any good to be anything less than civil here.

 

And what I'm angry at is the personal attacks and people telling me I am wrong and cannot contact her. That she has a right not to talk to me.... well, duh!!! But when you have been best friends with someone that long, you still have a connection even if you are no longer married. I was easily, with only that 1 negative message on this thread, able to be friendly with her. We had a short little chat today on text. She isn't getting married. She was just trying to be mean. Lives with the dude though.But it's ok. I forgive her for what she did to me. I forgive her enough to be friends. She is good with that. The fact that some know nothing know it all comes in here and gives me a hard time about a wonderful turn of events in my interpersonal relationship with my ex wife really pisses me off. It is a very good thing to have a positive, platonic friendship with someone who was your best friend for 12 years, then you hated each other for a year. It is only right we have some civility and we are beginning to. She has seen the girl in Miami I am dating, I have seen her dude.

 

If you (not you, kfc) have a problem with good, friendly, mature relationships with exes, then don't comment here. You are not emotionally developed enough.

[theothersully]

I totally get this. My ex was 6+ years relationship, has mental issues, has similar issues to ptsd, etc. However, the friend thing definitely did not work because all that time molded our relationship and the transition to friendship isn't a straight arrow - especially if she is unstable.

 

I also say let that new guy deal with those issues -- but I really mean it! Keep it to yourselves and let me live my life. It sucks because these were our best friends but the lines remained sooooo blurry in our relationship at least that friendship was IMPOSSIBLE.

 

Also keep in mind some women will NOT date you if you still talk to your ex in any manner. Just food for thought.

 

Hmmm.... good food for thought. I remember this very ex from the texts got pretty bent out of shape about an ex before her I talked to. So point taken.

 

I guess it could not work properly as a friendship, but I might as well check, no?

[mammasita]

Hmmm.... good food for thought. I remember this very ex from the texts got pretty bent out of shape about an ex before her I talked to. So point taken.

 

I guess it could not work properly as a friendship, but I might as well check, no?

I honestly don't get why you want to be "civil" with her. I understand a substantial portion of your life was spent with her BUT it was the past. You don't need to speak to her....or be civil....or be friends.

 

I feel like your placing a huge amount of weight on remaining in contact with her.....such that if you don't you're losing a portion of your life - like you and her never existed......in reality we all know that's not true.

 

SO, stop trying to be friends with your ex. No need to keep in contact.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dont know the circumstances of your break up,( or I missed it), but I assume that she walked out on you and there are no kids..

 

If this is true, then I dont see the point of doing what you are doing...

 

I mean, there is nothing really wrong with reaching out, but the lack of a response from her of your initial texts should have really said all there needs to be said.

 

She has turned the page...

 

So the best thing to do in this case is maintain your dignity as a man and just let it go...Find someone else that wants you and you will meet all your needs for "civility" in your life..

 

I wish you well.

 

TFY

[Mascara]

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be friends. There is nothing wrong with you reaching out. What IS wrong is your anger that she doesn't want what you want. She's not at the same stage as you.

 

You sound quite controlling. You're ready to be friends, so she has to be as well? You come across as very frustrated and furious that you can't make her do what you want.

[Raena]

While I understand your desire to remain friends with her, I hope you realize that this is something that should fade over time. I have pretty much always been the same way with the major relationships in my life. Stayed friends with every major ex for quite some time after the relationship was over.

 

It's ok to want to be civil with each other, but if your "friendship" with her becomes something that doesn't allow her to move on, then maybe you should rethink that strategy when you see that happening.

 

Eventually, you should get yourself to a point where you don't feel the need to stay in contact with her. If you do, it will make your future relationships difficult.

 

I know others have said this... you don't have children together so what's the point? I get where you are coming from on this... I really do. Children or not, you two had a long time connection and it shows that you are a decent person to want to remain civil. Just go into it knowing that at some point along the line it should fade away.

[dreamingoftigers]

As the other woman recently said in a different thread, we sure have a lot of morons in here. I'll do whatever the f#ck I want to. Looks like some of you have just been waiting for the moment to jump on me. Guess what? I don't care. I'm going to stay in touch with this ex instead of harboring a grudge, as with any ex. You can't stop me.

 

Dreaming oftigers...

 

The woman is diagnosed ptsd, borderline, etc and has been on meds for it sine I knew her. Helped her battled this with her for 12 years, 10 married. Yes, dumb and mean are a result. Her mom is diagnosed schizophrenic and her great aunt is one of the people who has a lobotomy.

 

So go F yourself. thanks. I'm pretty sure I can do whatever I want in terms of remaining friends.

 

I'll get right on that. your advice is pure gold.

 

I "can do whatever I want" too.

 

I I choose to point out that "dumb and mean" don't appear to be limited to your ex. And if she does have PTSD and BPD (which tends to be layers of childhood PTSD, dealt with it in trauma therapy myself) then it is EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to remain NC for HER WELL-BEING which you don't seem to get.

 

Because its all about you and what you want.

 

Regardless of the fact that any two-bit education on the subject of BPD can and does tell you that BPD episodes including anxiety, marked impulsivity up to and including suicidal behaviours are sparked by relational baggage (that means a potential YOU). Furthermore BPD people are know for a marked tendency to not remain civil to those they have relational baggage with and very little ability to take responsibility for it. In fact, without proper cognitive and trauma therapy, it's practically impossible. In other words, if you had a clue about the disorder and she was ACTUALLY DIAGNOSED: you are practically asking for a sharp rebuttal from her, at the very least.

 

More than the "very least" might include her showing up into your life in a potentially stalkerish manner or a very vengeful one, especially if you keep pushing someone with BPD.

 

Your choice, and I don't give too much of a damn. I actually give a half damn about your ex is she has BPD, active BPD is Hell. About 1/3 of cases can simply outgrow it by recontextualizing their life and minimizing the triggers (I.e. pushy exes the trigger painful memories to surface). Another third require some cognitive therapy the rest more intense therapy and the hope for them is less with the less help they receive.

 

If taking a textual swing at me makes you feel a little better, by all means, feel free. Especially if it means that it will be one less contact your allegedly BPD ex has to deal with.

 

And by the way "whatever you want" doesn't include harassment. Which is a repeated form of any unwanted contact. Keep trying and you risk much more than a sarcastic bat back from someone who really doesn't want to hear from you anyhow.

 

Anyhow, you don't know me, I don't know you. It sounds like you might have some PTSD yourself from the fallout and your subsequent attempts to reassert personal power in a rather unhealthy way.

 

EMDR was a real miracle for me. Perhaps google a practitioner and give them a call. No sarcasm. I'll save that for the other paragraphs.

 

As for my "go F myself" I take your chips and raise you a Merry Christmas.

Even though I don't really celebrate Christmas. My daughter got loads of presents yesterday and seeing her pick the $9 shovel as her favorite one had put me in a good mood until New Years.

 

I wish you no ill will. But really, it's only because my kid's cuter than your "dumb and mean" insult.

Now go get back to doing "whatever you want" before we lose more precious damn time on the stupid Internet.