Losing momentum over holidays

[runforafall]

Merry Christmas everyone!

 

So, I'm a little worried that the situation with the girl I've been on 5 dates over a 3 week period with (lots of physical affection, no sex of any kind) is going to cool off/lose momentum over the Christmas break.

 

Shes out of the country for a couple of weeks and in a place with no internet, so I'm expecting communication to be extremely sparse, if at all.

 

I really like her, but recall a similar situation over the summer where I had a couple of dates with a girl and things were seemingly going extremely well until she went on holiday for 3 weeks, and after a third date on her return she broke it off (despite eating my face off for a third time) saying she wasn't really feeling it.

 

Any thoughts/suggestions?

[ShyGuy5]

Don't worry about it man. Don't take that last experience personal because there was nothing you could do. Enjoy some time to yourself. It might turn out to be a good thing. You will have plenty to talk about when she gets back. You've put in the work already, there is nothing more that you can do. Don't think about the negatives, remember that absence makes the heart grown fonder.

[freetolove]

That happened to me too =( unfortunately that's just the way it goes sometimes.

[runforafall]

Don't think about the negatives, remember that absence makes the heart grown fonder.

 

Whilst I'd definitely agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder after a substantial bond/relationship has developed, I'm not so true that the same is the case in the early stages of dating, especially if there is no contact whatsoever.

 

Out of sight, out of mind and all that...

 

Has anyone had any positive experiences where a complete interruption for a couple of weeks in early dating hasn't been a problem, and it hasn't been at all weird/cooled off/not the same when you see them again when they get back?

Edited December 25, 2013 by runforafall

[ShyGuy5]

I was trying to keep you positive man. You don't control this situation. Release yourself from it. Go out and become a better version of yourself. If you worry about her, then you are doing a disservice to yourself because it will only hold you back. Let her go, if she comes back, awesome, if not then at least you haven't been dwelling on this for a month.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I logged in to respond to this one because it resonates with me. First I'll preface my response by letting you know I am a female.

 

I think this situation can go both ways, and it depends on the depth of connection you had together before being apart.

 

Example: A while back, I had started dating a guy for a week, and during that week I felt we had started to build a connection, but then the holidays came around and we didn't see each other for 3 weeks. Although we were in touch for the first couple weeks, in the third week it dropped off, and by the time I was back in town he wasn't interested anymore. Maybe he met someone else, who knows. Point is: I knew him for a short time and not enough time to develop a connection that would be perceived as anything special.

 

Example #2: I am currently dating another guy who I met in late October, so I knew him for a month and a half before the holiday break. In this case, we had spent a great deal of time together in that month and a half period, and made things official a few weeks before the break. We've been in touch every day during our time apart.

 

So the answer is: it depends on the emotional connection she feels for you. If she felt a strong connection before the break, then it very well could be strong enough to persist despite anyone else she meets, and despite the distance. If her feelings for you rest on shallow ground, she may fade away like the guy in my first example. Unfortunately you can't see in her head. So just enjoy your break, communicate with her if she's able to, and don't stress about it.

Edited December 25, 2013 by DontWorryBHappy

[Mascara]

Same thing happened to me last year, twice - 2 dates, then the guy went away for a couple of weeks. Third date on his return, but things had cooled, and ended shortly after.

 

Like the above poster though, I also met someone in October and we've been together 2 months - lots of dates and daily communication. Christmas holidays haven't impacted on that, and we'll be together from tomorrow onwards.

 

So I do feel your pain. You may luck out, but I understand why you're nervous. After my experiences I made the decision to never start dating someone who was about to go on holiday.

[runforafall]

For the two previous posters, how far had things gotten before the guy went away on the occasions things didn't work out for you? Did you attempt to stay in contact whilst they were away?

 

I am hoping that the 4-5 dates over the space of 3 weeks we have been seeing each other have been enough to leave a lasting impression on her. Although no sex yet, she's been acting very coupley with me and lots of physical affection (hand holding, hugging, lots of making out) and even invited me to meet her friends on the last date. But ya, I guess perhaps I'm being a bit unrealistic if I expect to meet her after 2-3 weeks of no contact and for things to be exactly as they were left...

[Mascara]

I don't want to depress you unnecessarily, but I will answer your question because if it all works out for you, you'll be unexpectedly happy.

 

With both guys, the dates had been over a couple of weeks. Lots of affection, talking, "good morning" texts. In hindsight, too much too soon (I prefer someone who builds up to that level after a month or two... not straight away, because that's usually a sign that things will be a fast burn)

 

While they were away, minimal communication. When they got back, the momentum had gone.

[runforafall]

Mmmmm. This doesn't sound good. Was the loss of attraction on your part, or theirs?

 

I guess I should just assume the worst and leave the ball in her court to get in touch during her away time/when she comes back to set up a meet if she wants to?

 

She jokingly asked if I would miss her (I made a jokey reply somewhat avoiding the question) and she said 'it's just for a couple of weeks, my schedule will be back to normal in January' which makes it sound like she doesn't intend things to cool off, but perhaps she was just said it in the moment, and like your guys, some time apart will extinguish whatever small flame was growing before...

[kassy]

My now ex boyfriend and I hit it off on our first 3 dates then didn't see each other for 2 months due to our combined travel. We came back for one very legitate reason or another had to cancel our next 5 dates. At which point I told him to get in touch if things calmed down for him (we both had to cancel dates not just him). Months later he got in touch and we took off right where we left off (we hadn't even kissed on our first three dates). Dated for 6 months fell really hard for each other and broke up as I want kids and he has already had kids and doesn't want more. We were both devastated but neither could compromise quite rightly.

 

So while there was no happily ever after, yes you can establish a good enough connection with the right person. But either way it's early days just take it as it comes. You never know when she gets back you might not be feeling it after a few more dates

 

More to the point does she really not have Internet? Even in North Korea I had some Internet access although very limited

[soccerrprp]

I'll like to echo that the "connection" you made prior to the holidays makes a difference. Especially if exclusivity is in play.

 

Don'tWorryBHappy, with the first guy, he was still online searching for other girls. Or he finally got a response from someone else of interest. People continue OLD while on holidays too.

 

Anyway....

[DontWorryBHappy]

^ yes, that is likely correct. In my situation, that first guy and I had only met twice. So although I had really thought we made a connection, he likely didn't feel much of one yet (or even if he had, most "connections" are pretty fragile with only a couple dates to show for it). Real connection takes time to build, along with a collection of shared experience and trust that doesn't develop immediately.

 

To the OP: Things hadn't gotten far enough with the first guy I had mentioned in my previous post. We hadn't had sex, but we did share a lot of intimacy, talking, and what I thought was a connection. But looking back, you can make out and cuddle (and do all that lovely stuff) with many people and then confuse that with a connection. What I did NOT have with the first guy was anything DISTINCT to form a lasting bond. With my current guy, before the holidays we shared intimate time (not referring to sex), shared goals and experiences, conversations that were able to progress from surface stuff to deep in nature, and had developed a sense of respect and trust.

 

I'm not saying you are doomed if you don't have all of those things with her yet. It just means that you don't know yet whether you have made that special imprint in her mind that will get her back to you after the holidays. No two people are the same. Each person has their own set of criteria (that may be subconscious to them) for what "defines" that special connection. And it's also luck (as in, even if you don't have the strongest connection with her yet, if she doesn't have anyone else in the wings, it's easier for you to remain in the running when she returns).

 

So yeah, just relax and accept that you gotta roll with the tide in a case like this. Make the effort to see her when she is finally able, and if the tide changed, realize that early dating is more unpredictable than the weather (and the weather is never your fault!).

Edited December 25, 2013 by DontWorryBHappy

[runforafall]

Update:

 

So I saw her online on FB on Christmas Day and sent a message wishing Merry Xmas etc, and got a VERY brief answer. I sent her a photo in response and got a one word answer.

 

Not good, right? I know Christmas is a busy time and she's away with family, but I find this lack of communication effort discouraging. I've also seen her online a couple more times since but she hasnt made any other effort to reach out.

 

I've also noticed that she has hidden her OLD profile, which I find a little odd though granted, she didnt log on at all since our first date. What would motivate her to do this?

 

Given that (i) her response to my messages suggested she wasnt inclined to converse at any length and (ii) she kind of brushed off the suggestion of meeting up when she's back in town for a day or so before heading on another trip during our last meet, I wonder if it would seem excessive to text her just before she gets back asking how her trip is going and seeing if she wants to meet for a little while the following day. What do you think?

Edited December 27, 2013 by runforafall

[runforafall]

Update 2:

 

I sent the message and got a reply that unfortunately she couldn't make the weekend on her brief layover and that she is feeling under the weather anyway.

 

Guess it's time to write this one off...?

[d0nnivain]

Why would you write her off because she's sick?

 

 

There's nothing you can actually do to change the outcome. Let her enjoy her vacation. See what happens when she's home & better.

[Graduate]

Update 2:

 

I sent the message and got a reply that unfortunately she couldn't make the weekend on her brief layover and that she is feeling under the weather anyway.

 

Guess it's time to write this one off...?

 

Yeah, it does sounds like a brush-off. However, who knows, she could legitimately be sick.

 

My advice would be to not contact her anymore and wait and see if she contacts you after she gets back.

 

Since you were not a couple yet, it might be a good idea to start chatting with other women on the OLD site, if only to distract you.

[LornaFE]

Man, I am sorry, but this doesn't look like she is very into you. I know both sides

1) you are in a foreign country and experience things while the other one is waiting for you. You have a feeling of development, because of getting so many impressions of a foreign country that you loose contact to those at home.

2) the other half goes on a holiday and stopps answering your messages. When she/he is back, and you still insist on meeting each other, that is the time, when the other half tells you he/she is not interestend anymore but did not dare to tell you and hoped you would find out by yourself.

 

Keep your head up, the relationship was not that long yet.

[runforafall]

Update 3:

 

So I messaged her during her layover and we had a bit of banter back and forth for a while. I said it would be nice to meet up again when she gets back given she was busy on her short stop and she agreed.

 

4 days later during which no contact and I send her a Happy New Year Facebook IM message. Got a very brief response with no questions, so I didn't reply.

 

I've noticed she's been on FB chat a fair bit over the last week or so, but she hasn't instigated any contact at all since our 4th date.

 

The vibes I am getting from her are not good at this point, even if we did make tentative plans to meet when she is back.

 

I know she is away and likely busy, but if she can find time to log onto FB chat several times a day she has time to contact me if she wanted to, right? It's not over analysing or being paranoid to think this lack of contact suggests a lack of interest on her part, right? Especially considering she was the one for the first couple of weeks of dating who was initiating contact with me on an almost daily basis...

 

That she deleted her OLD profile, as well as the apparent rapidly declining interest, makes me wonder if she got more serious with someone else. What do you think? If this is the case, is there any explanation for why she wouldn't just either not reply to my messages or come out and say she doesn't see this going anywhere, as opposed to always replying to messages I send fairly rapidly (even if they are very brief) and tentatively agreeing it would be good to meet when she returns (maybe she was just being polite)?

Edited January 1, 2014 by runforafall

[FortunateSon]

Move on, she doesn't seem that into you.