dates admitting to one night stands

[freetolove]

When a guy admits to me that he had one night stands in the past, I lose respect for them. They usually say that the did it in their 20s but my perspective of them changes. Like they're not long term worthy. To be completely honest, I've had my share of intimate encounters but that's stuff I keep to myself. What do you think?

[CrystalCastles]

I think that way too, I can't help it. I'm aware it's unfair, because a person shouldn't be judged by their past mistakes. Usually I prefer to talk about pasts later, ie. three or four dates in. That way, if they did something like sleeping around five years ago and haven't done it since, I can overlook that, especially I have a good chemistry with the person and they haven't shown me any red flags and I'm seeing this person as relationship material.

[charlietheginger]

Ok so he admits to a ONS .... you get disgusted

 

you have had them but won't admit to them ....

 

I'm confused ? So should every guy lie about their past...

[freetolove]

I feel like it's better not knowing.

Edited December 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to banned member redacted

[ShyGuy5]

You wouldn't be the person that you are today without your past.

[fortyninethousand322]

I'd prefer not to know either. And I'm pretty judgemental about sexual history...

[ShyGuy5]

I have more respect for the person that admits his past mistakes and endeavors than the person that hides their past as if everything is unicorns, daffodils, and rainbows. He might be ready to move forward from those days. If you keep dwelling on that chapter of his life, then you won't get the chance to read the next chapter of his life.

[freetolove]

Interesting perspective but I'm naturally possessive so anything/anyone touching someone that was mine doesn't sit well with me.

 

I have more respect for the person that admits his past mistakes and endeavors than the person that hides their past as if everything is unicorns, daffodils, and rainbows. He might be ready to move forward from those days. If you keep dwelling on that chapter of his life, then you won't get the chance to read the next chapter of his life.

[ShyGuy5]

Think about it this way: You have the current him, that is the past him that the other girls were holding.

[freetolove]

good point.

 

Think about it this way: You have the current him, that is the past him that the other girls were holding.

[MissBee]

When a guy admits to me that he had one night stands in the past, I lose respect for them. They usually say that the did it in their 20s but my perspective of them changes. Like they're not long term worthy. To be completely honest, I've had my share of intimate encounters but that's stuff I keep to myself. What do you think?

 

You've had one night stands too you're saying? If you have, then I don't understand the sentiment.

 

I've never had a one night stand and I prefer a man who is discriminate about his sexual partners; however, if I am dating a man who admits to having done that years ago and it is no longer his lifestyle, then I cannot hold it against him.

 

I care about people's pasts and am interested in how it shapes them today. If I can see that certain things are clearly things he doesn't do anymore then that's all that matters. If he was currently bragging about one night stands that is a whole other story but if it is behavior from bygone eras and removed from how he conducts himself presently, then that's what I care about, as we all learn and grow (well most of us anyway lol).

Edited December 25, 2013 by MissBee

[what_a_blonde]

Interesting.

 

If they're bringing it up on the 1st or 2nd date.. I think thats a little soon to mention it. Just my personal opinion. However truth is... it's their past. However if you've already made it to the 3rd or 4th date and then he's mentioning it, it shows trust and he's opening up... and surprise you've made it past the "one night stand" status, so what's to worry about? Its not like he's only looking to you for that.

 

Also, interesting that you've had your fair share of the same, yet he's getting condemned for opening up and being honest and having a mature conversation about it (that is, assuming, he didn't just immaturely bring it up at a terrible time.. and act nonchalant about it).

 

I honestly don't think he should be judged for it.. especially since its something you've done yourself and aren't morally against. If you had said that it was against your beliefs and you don't want to be with a man who has slept around so much in the past, and you hadn't ever done the same, it would be one thing. But to be striking him out from the beginning for something you've done multiple times too, but he just doesn't know yet, seems a bit one-sided and hypocritical.

 

All relationships have to start somewhere... and this seems like a very small issue in the grand scheme of things, especially if he's fairly decent otherwise.

[Leigh 87]

I have had a bad past yet I have totally changed.

 

From age 20 - 27, my current age, a mere 5 months were slutty.

 

I just got dumped by a long term partner who I was co dependant on, and I flew half way across the world without any friends. I slept with a few guys within the span of one month.

 

Then I slept around more freely once I returned.

 

I am now out of my very dark phase, and I can safely say I am on par with the woman who has long term relationships ONLY, and prefers sex with ONE loving partner, opposed to casual encounters.

 

I tried casual - I didn't like it.

 

I absolutely HAVE NOT told my current partner the amount of guys I slept with in that short span of time.

 

He does know I have had a ONS, and he does know I don't enjoy them or even get any pleasure from ONS.

 

 

 

 

Some people are just judgmental pricks.

 

 

I know who I am. I am not the kind of girl who ENJOYS ONS, and doing it in the past does NOT mean it is something that interests me on the present.

[what_a_blonde]

I have had a bad past yet I have totally changed.

 

From age 20 - 27, my current age, a mere 5 months were slutty.

 

I just got dumped by a long term partner who I was co dependant on, and I flew half way across the world without any friends. I slept with a few guys within the span of one month.

 

Then I slept around more freely once I returned.

 

I am now out of my very dark phase, and I can safely say I am on par with the woman who has long term relationships ONLY, and prefers sex with ONE loving partner, opposed to casual encounters.

 

I tried casual - I didn't like it.

 

I absolutely HAVE NOT told my current partner the amount of guys I slept with in that short span of time.

 

He does know I have had a ONS, and he does know I don't enjoy them or even get any pleasure from ONS.

 

 

 

 

Some people are just judgmental pricks.

 

 

I know who I am. I am not the kind of girl who ENJOYS ONS, and doing it in the past does NOT mean it is something that interests me on the present.

 

Great perspective and great post... hopefully this helps OP out with rethinking how she is judging this guy.

[freetolove]

wow thanks! this makes a lot of sense. I was a little afraid by him telling me that maybe he wants me to "accept" his behavior and that he would do something like that again. But similar to you he said he doesn't like it and prefers one person. I just have trouble believing him.

 

 

 

I have had a bad past yet I have totally changed.

 

From age 20 - 27, my current age, a mere 5 months were slutty.

 

I just got dumped by a long term partner who I was co dependant on, and I flew half way across the world without any friends. I slept with a few guys within the span of one month.

 

Then I slept around more freely once I returned.

 

I am now out of my very dark phase, and I can safely say I am on par with the woman who has long term relationships ONLY, and prefers sex with ONE loving partner, opposed to casual encounters.

 

I tried casual - I didn't like it.

 

I absolutely HAVE NOT told my current partner the amount of guys I slept with in that short span of time.

 

He does know I have had a ONS, and he does know I don't enjoy them or even get any pleasure from ONS.

 

 

 

 

Some people are just judgmental pricks.

 

 

I know who I am. I am not the kind of girl who ENJOYS ONS, and doing it in the past does NOT mean it is something that interests me on the present.

[RedRobin]

wow thanks! this makes a lot of sense. I was a little afraid by him telling me that maybe he wants me to "accept" his behavior and that he would do something like that again. But similar to you he said he doesn't like it and prefers one person. I just have trouble believing him.

 

I'm pretty wary of men who have had a promiscuous past... no matter how much he says he's not interested in that now.

 

I look at it similar to other addictive or destructive behaviors. They would have had to demonstrate behaviors more in line with my values... not just 'say' they share my values. There are lots of guys who talk all kinds of smack and say all kinds of things to attract someone. To be honest, I really have never been able to fully open up to men who leave traces of a promiscuous past in their behavior or words. I can always tell.

 

That said, I can say that I haven't had a promiscuous past, so I'm not being hypocritical. I had one ONS when I was much younger and that was sufficient to inform my opinion about me having them... and frankly... about my potential partner having them as well. Kinda like I got drunk so bad one night that I threw up and passed out. Guess what? Never happened again... and that was many, many years ago when I wasn't aware of my limits with alcohol.

 

Same thing with sex. I can accept some learning and coming to terms... even then, I'd still be very wary.

[soccerrprp]

Having admitted to multiple ONS would be a little problematic for me. It goes to values and even if he/she "says" it's no longer an interest, it would give me some pause. I mean, (1) why even admit to them w/o prompting (did you ask about it?) and (2), like you, OP, I would question whether he was telling me he's no longer interested b/c it's what I want to hear or if he's honest about it.

 

I believe in letting the past go, but certain behaviors have to be examined a little further and more cautiously and ONS is one of them.

[ShyGuy5]

I have had a bad past yet I have totally changed.

 

From age 20 - 27, my current age, a mere 5 months were slutty.

 

I just got dumped by a long term partner who I was co dependant on, and I flew half way across the world without any friends. I slept with a few guys within the span of one month.

 

Then I slept around more freely once I returned.

 

I am now out of my very dark phase, and I can safely say I am on par with the woman who has long term relationships ONLY, and prefers sex with ONE loving partner, opposed to casual encounters.

 

I tried casual - I didn't like it.

 

I absolutely HAVE NOT told my current partner the amount of guys I slept with in that short span of time.

 

He does know I have had a ONS, and he does know I don't enjoy them or even get any pleasure from ONS.

 

 

 

 

Some people are just judgmental pricks.

 

 

I know who I am. I am not the kind of girl who ENJOYS ONS, and doing it in the past does NOT mean it is something that interests me on the present.

 

If you know who you are, then why are you holding back from your partner. Those ONS made you who you are today. There is no shame in it. Just like someone with a criminal history, people can learn from their past mistakes and change. I understand the show me sentiment, but without others giving him a chance, then how is he supposed to show it? You can't show that you can be a stable member of society with a job if no employer is willing to hire you.

[soccerrprp]

There is no shame in it...

 

Frankly, if someone told me that they there was no shame in their past actions such as this, I would be more worried. If we all make the excuse that it is our past that made us today (which is true) and THAT IS WHY it was okay or shameless, what more of a mess the dating, relationship world would be.

 

Those ONS hurt other people. They were shameful, selfish acts. Whether it helped to make us who we are today, the thing one should have learned is that they are SHAMEFUL acts and that is why one no longer engages in such behavior.

[ShyGuy5]

Frankly, if someone told me that they there was no shame in their past actions such as this, I would be more worried. If we all make the excuse that it is our past that made us today (which is true) and THAT IS WHY it was okay or shameless, what more of a mess the dating, relationship world would be.

 

Those ONS hurt other people. They were shameful, selfish acts. Whether it helped to make us who we are today, the thing one should have learned is that they are SHAMEFUL acts and that is why one no longer engages in such behavior.

 

Im not justifying his past actions I am just saying that that is what he did. We cannot change the past. He already did those ONS. A lot of times you learn more from what you did wrong than what you did right. A lot of good can come out of bad things.

 

I am talking about no shame in admitting your past in the effort to correct it for the future. I look at it as a stepping stone for the future. I think it really depends on the tense though. You can only learn from a past ONS because you already did it and can't change that for better or worse. On the other hand, I don't believe that because something will eventually become your past that you use it as an excuse to do shameful acts in the present.

[rocketman122]

I went on a date with a woman once. first date. she said she has a friend who she has "fun" with once in a while and the same day he called and asked her if she wants to play a little. she said she couldnt cause she had a date. and that was the end of that.

 

As a pro wedding photographer I could party to my cockes content and take advantage of women as much as I would like. never had a ONS. dont believe in them and they disgust me. any women who said she even had one in the past and my whole thought process goes in overtime thinking about it and I lose interest.

 

how the hell someone can sleep with a person without any feelings for them?

when youre pumping them, do you kiss them or just close your eyes to hide embarrassment and just try to finish. I couldnt do it. low class.

[rocketman122]

I'm pretty wary of men who have had a promiscuous past... no matter how much he says he's not interested in that now.

 

I look at it similar to other addictive or destructive behaviors. They would have had to demonstrate behaviors more in line with my values... not just 'say' they share my values. There are lots of guys who talk all kinds of smack and say all kinds of things to attract someone. To be honest, I really have never been able to fully open up to men who leave traces of a promiscuous past in their behavior or words. I can always tell.

 

That said, I can say that I haven't had a promiscuous past, so I'm not being hypocritical. I had one ONS when I was much younger and that was sufficient to inform my opinion about me having them... and frankly... about my potential partner having them as well. Kinda like I got drunk so bad one night that I threw up and passed out. Guess what? Never happened again... and that was many, many years ago when I wasn't aware of my limits with alcohol.

 

Same thing with sex. I can accept some learning and coming to terms... even then, I'd still be very wary.

 

was it you who said they had 300 partners or went to orgies..something about the smell or someone else? maybe Im mixing up people here.

[soccerrprp]

Im not justifying his past actions I am just saying that that is what he did. We cannot change the past. He already did those ONS. A lot of times you learn more from what you did wrong than what you did right. A lot of good can come out of bad things.

 

I am talking about no shame in admitting your past in the effort to correct it for the future. I look at it as a stepping stone for the future. I think it really depends on the tense though. You can only learn from a past ONS because you already did it and can't change that for better or worse. On the other hand, I don't believe that because something will eventually become your past that you use it as an excuse to do shameful acts in the present.

 

I don't disagree. I know what you meant...just wanted to add a little more insight on my part, however, helpful.

[MissBee]

If you don't believe him, then you shouldn't continue to see him.

 

We don't have to accept anything we don't want to.

 

If you choose to believe someone, you do, and you proceed with dating them, if you don't or can't get past certain things, you shouldn't continue seeing them.

 

The problem is not believing them or having problems with certain things but still dating that person and putting them on trial about it or being paranoid about it. It's frustrating for you and them.

[RedRobin]

was it you who said they had 300 partners or went to orgies..something about the smell or someone else? maybe Im mixing up people here.

 

No, that's not me.

 

... and to answer your question about my one ONS. I was raised in a family that was very open sexually (even though my parents both married their 'first' and have been married for nearly 50 years.)

 

We aren't dogmatic about sex. In this, and in many, many areas of my life, they encouraged me to make decisions on my own, within limits.

 

So, that experiment was in keeping with my upbringing and habit of understanding things. I know first hand the hurt ONS brings and was able to feel the emptiness you speak of. That single memory has kept me... a woman with a very high sex drive... celibate and certainly careful... in times when others might not.

 

It is also the reason why I feel I can judge men who have had certain pasts. If I'm obliged to be celibate between legitimate relationships... I believe men are capable of it as well. No double standards. No BS about 'biology' and 'needs'. No 'need' is so strong that it justifies hurting or using another person...