simplicity1 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I've now been dating someone for 1.5 months, and "official" for about 3 weeks. Recently, his brother has been very sick, and last week had to have emergency heart surgery. Seems to have gone smoothly, but obviously, his focus has been spending his days at the hospital and not on me (and rightly so, since I'm so new in his life). I've tried to just be supportive by asking him every few days about everything going on, and by reminding him that he can talk to me if he wants. That said, I'm trying to figure out how much I should attribute his silence of late to this traumatic event verses him not actually being invested in this relationship. Some details: He's expressed desire to take things slow physically, but maybe 2 times now we've gotten a little bit more physical (ie/shirts off). We've had long conversations, and I feel an intense physical and intellectual attraction to him, but he's not been very expressive of emotion towards be, and his desire to take things slow physically makes me doubt the intensity of his physical attraction too. I find that he is able to say "no." No to sleeping over, no to spending time with me. I often have to initiate hanging out (though he has *never* fully declined us hanging out. Ex/"can we meet for a few hours?" "I can meet you for a half an hour" kind of partial acceptance). As a result of this, I've majorly backed off on initiating plans Our last time hanging out was weird. I invited him to a party I was hosting and I felt I did a bad job at introducing him to people, and I don't feel he met the people I wanted him to, or liked them. I either left him on his own, or spent time just him and me at the party. I felt insecure and conscious and I'm sure he sensed it. That said, he met me briefly at the airport, coming directly from the nearby hospital, before I came home from the holidays, and he proposed a vague plan of hanging out on new years. Since then (4 days), basically no communication. I texted him once to say goodnight (no answer) and then again a day later to ask about his brother. He answered, I answered back, and then silence again. This feels SO CRAZILY DIFFERENT from the 3-4 month honeymoon period of intense emotion and constant communication from my ex boyfriend (my first). I'd see my ex almost every day. We'd speak multiple times a day. Constant expression of emotion. There was not a doubt in my mind for the first few months of our commitment to the relationship. This time around things are so different that it almost doesn't even feel like a honeymoon period. I only see him 2 times a week on average, and I feel uncomfortable expressing emotion too often since he rarely does. My inclination is I just need to ASSUME that this is NOT about me, it is about his trauma with his family, and that I should just give him maximal space and not expect any communication from him at this time. That things like him leaving the hospital to meet me briefly before I left should demonstrate sufficient care for me to stay calm, and that the kindest thing I can do is inquire periodically, and try to support him from a distance, and believe that his silence is not about his commitment to us, but about his focus being elsewhere. But can't help but feel insecure about my behavior the last couple times we hung out and hesitant about his emotion towards me, which he rarely expresses anyway. I wish that at this point I could just feel comfortable texting him regularly without worrying if his heart is into this, or worrying about texting him too much relative to how much he texts me Any thoughts about this situation?
ja123 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Of course time will tell, but I really think this is about the worry over his brother's health. It's hard to be in a romantic mood when someone you love is very ill.
Author simplicity1 Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 normally I'd stop texting since I've initiated so much. But in this case should I throw that attitude away and keep texting every few days to ask about his bro? Or assume that if he wants support from me, he'll text me?
MissyM007 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I'm sorry but he should give something. Ye D brothers ill and it change his moodinfset etc but right now You don't know why he's being like that. I would back off don't communicate let him come to you. BUT I would text to say you sense that he wants space from his lack of communication and brothers situation so will not contact him again but if he needs a shoulder to get in touch. You're on a string you need to cut it. You need to protect yourself because he's not really being emotionally mature. X
OldRover Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 For three weeks work give it time..... give him the space to deal with his brother. Way to early to worry about things. Just take your time and see how things develop and check back in a month.
Els Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I think his circumstances are extreme enough to warrant cutting him some slack. If you really like him, it doesn't hurt to wait and see what happens when things go back to normal.
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