the disappearing act

[jefermelesyeux]

hey everyone. the guy that i'm interested in/talking to recently "disappeared" but has reappeared in a short amount of time, and i'm not sure what to make of it. here's the story.

 

he lives in dc, i live in ny. we've been talking for about 3 months now. he doesn't have texting, so our primary means of communication is talking on the phone. he always put forth equal effort to contact me as i did him, and we have consistently talked multiple times a week since we met, up until about 2 weeks ago.

 

the last time we had a phone conversation was 2 weeks ago tomorrow (wednesday, xmas day). during that conversation, everything was fine. things went smoothly as per normal, no fights or arguments, etc. but then, radio silence. i tried calling him the next day, thursday, but he didn't return the my call (happens sometimes, no big deal). skipped friday. saturday, tried calling, no return. skipped sunday. monday, tried calling, again no return. skipped tuesday. and he made no effort to call me back at all during those 6 days like he normally does. naturally, i became disappointed and assumed he was no longer interested or met somebody else. but the next day, wednesday, i sent him a message on the dating website we met on and very politely expressed my concern without being aggressive or seeming obsessive. i told him it was unlike him to not call and that if he's no longer interested in talking to just let me know and that it'd be no problem.

 

he replied with this:

 

"hello, i've been super busy with a lot of stuff. don't worry, i'd tell you if i didn't want to keep talking i hope you're well; we'll talk soon."

 

so i left it at that. i made no attempt to contact him assuming he'd follow through. though i was slightly ill at ease that he was maybe only trying to pacify me. but then, this past sunday, i got a call from him. i was working and missed it. i tried calling back, missed him. he tried calling back, but i missed it again. by then it was late, so i didn't bother trying to call again. haven't heard from him since, but it's xmas, so i'm not worried. we're all busy around this time of year.

 

my main concern here is that he always made time for me, but then suddenly disappeared for a week and a half without warning. guys have disappeared on me in the past, so i kind of assumed it was going to happen again, even though he stuck to his word. i'm wondering if now the calls will come less and less until he eventually disappears for good. i hope it doesn't happen, and he really doesn't seem the type to pull that kind of stunt, but you never know.

 

so given this long-winded scenario, what do you guys think? am i just overreacting at his lack of communication for that little bit, or do i have something to worry about? thanks!

[simplicity1]

I'd say just wait it out. Wait for him to call you again. I would take his words at face value that he is still interested in talking. That said, his interest level doesn't sound extremely high :/ then again sometimes things get out of whack during the holidays so see how his behavior evolves in early Jan.

[jefermelesyeux]

Yes, you definitely have something to worry about. Stop all initiation of conversation completely. Do not call him first, and make him make the effort.

 

You called him way too many times. You should have stopped the first time he didn't answer.

 

i was worried i may have done that, but i also thought the every other day thing made it seem not such a big deal. i think the reason i panicked was because he always made an effort to give me a call, even if only for a quick hello. and then suddenly he stopped and it wasn't like him.

[mammasita]

I agree, stop initiating contact......leave it on him. If he's playing the disappearing game he will fade. If he's truly interested and legitimately busy, let him reach out.

[jefermelesyeux]

I'd say just wait it out. Wait for him to call you again. I would take his words at face value that he is still interested in talking. That said, his interest level doesn't sound extremely high :/ then again sometimes things get out of whack during the holidays so see how his behavior evolves in early Jan.

 

that's what my friends have said, to just wait it out. his interest level always seemed as high as mine until these past couple of weeks. :/ i understand things get a little hectic during the holidays, so i'm hoping it's only that.

 

he's told me things during many of our conversations that led me to believe it was safe to begin liking him, and letting myself be happy.

 

for what it's worth, he's 34, and works as a librarian in an elementary school. he also has another job. so it could very well be that he is just swamped.

[jefermelesyeux]

No matter who the guy is our how much contact he initiates, always let him initiate. You should definitely not contact him anymore.

 

good idea, i don't plan on it. does it matter that we're both guys? i know sometimes girls feel like the guy should always initiate a conversation, though in my case it's a bit different.

[KatZee]

Well the fact you met on a dating site is a huge factor here.

 

Yes, holiday's get busy, but no one is "super swamped" two weeks BEFORE the holiday. Sure there's some holiday shopping but does that really take more than 1 or 2 days?

 

Especially if he was in very consistent and frequent contact before hand and then absolutely nothing.

 

Have you guys established that you are "together" or have you merely been talking? Is his online profile still active? He could be going on dates with local guys, and perhaps he was seeing someone in the 2 weeks he was AWOL.

 

He gave a very vague response after your many attempts at contact. "I've been super busy with a lot of stuff." What is "a lot of stuff" ?? Sounds like an excuse to me. Nor did he apologize for blatantly ignoring your attempts at contact either.

 

If you guys haven't had "the talk" I would assume he's meeting other people right now. Especially with the LD thing going on. I would back off completely, do not contact him again, and see what happens. I think the "fade out" is so cowardly and I hate people think that this is a "thing" these days.

[jefermelesyeux]

Well the fact you met on a dating site is a huge factor here.

 

Yes, holiday's get busy, but no one is "super swamped" two weeks BEFORE the holiday. Sure there's some holiday shopping but does that really take more than 1 or 2 days?

 

Especially if he was in very consistent and frequent contact before hand and then absolutely nothing.

 

Have you guys established that you are "together" or have you merely been talking? Is his online profile still active? He could be going on dates with local guys, and perhaps he was seeing someone in the 2 weeks he was AWOL.

 

He gave a very vague response after your many attempts at contact. "I've been super busy with a lot of stuff." What is "a lot of stuff" ?? Sounds like an excuse to me. Nor did he apologize for blatantly ignoring your attempts at contact either.

 

If you guys haven't had "the talk" I would assume he's meeting other people right now. Especially with the LD thing going on. I would back off completely, do not contact him again, and see what happens. I think the "fade out" is so cowardly and I hate people think that this is a "thing" these days.

 

we are not together. we haven't officially met in person yet. his profile is still active, but that doesn't bother me, because as i said, we aren't yet exclusive. mine is still active as well. i haven't dismissed the possibility of him seeing somebody else, but i gave him an out in my message, and he could've easily said he'd met somebody- but he didn't. i was also put off by his vague response, but maybe he didn't feel like explaining it all in text. he's been very honest with me up until this point, so i really don't have a reason to doubt him. but it's becoming difficult for me NOT to liken him to guys that utilize the "fade out" due to his shady behavior.

[KatZee]

we are not together. we haven't officially met in person yet. his profile is still active, but that doesn't bother me, because as i said, we aren't yet exclusive. mine is still active as well. i haven't dismissed the possibility of him seeing somebody else, but i gave him an out in my message, and he could've easily said he'd met somebody- but he didn't. i was also put off by his vague response, but maybe he didn't feel like explaining it all in text. he's been very honest with me up until this point, so i really don't have a reason to doubt him. but it's becoming difficult for me NOT to liken him to guys that utilize the "fade out" due to his shady behavior.

 

Honestly, why WOULD he say he'd met someone else? Obviously you two have something going there, as you've been talking for a few months now, why would he jeopardize any of that for someone he met mere days or a week ago?

 

Maybe he met someone local and he wanted to see if anything would pan out, all while keeping you on the back burner. This is what tons of people do. Especially since you're not together, you're not local, and this gives him plenty of opportunity to talk to you all while dating others as well.

 

This is totally the vibe I get.

[jefermelesyeux]

Honestly, why WOULD he say he'd met someone else? Obviously you two have something going there, as you've been talking for a few months now, why would he jeopardize any of that for someone he met mere days or a week ago?

 

Maybe he met someone local and he wanted to see if anything would pan out, all while keeping you on the back burner. This is what tons of people do. Especially since you're not together, you're not local, and this gives him plenty of opportunity to talk to you all while dating others as well.

 

This is totally the vibe I get.

 

wow, i never even thought of anything like that. very good point.

 

i guess what's so hard about this for me is that i really feel like we had (have) a connection; it's unlike one i've had before, or at least in a very long time. to be honest, it is difficult for me not to indulge in boyfriend fantasies, which i know probably seems ridiculous at this point. because of the connection we have, i find myself imagining what it might be like to be with him.

[KatZee]

wow, i never even thought of anything like that. very good point.

 

i guess what's so hard about this for me is that i really feel like we had (have) a connection; it's unlike one i've had before, or at least in a very long time. to be honest, it is difficult for me not to indulge in boyfriend fantasies, which i know probably seems ridiculous at this point. because of the connection we have, i find myself imagining what it might be like to be with him.

 

Lol. When you've been screwed over tons of times you tend to pick up on certain behavioral patterns. Every single person on the planet is inherently the same, people may change, but the story is always the same.

 

You're guilt of doing what tons of people do. Unfortunately, you still haven't even met him yet so you really have to try to curb the fantasies. You really need to engage with him in person before you go around saying you trust him so much and know him so well.

 

Why have you spoken for so many months yet not met yet? Where is this actually going? Do you have plans to meet soon?

[jefermelesyeux]

Lol. When you've been screwed over tons of times you tend to pick up on certain behavioral patterns. Every single person on the planet is inherently the same, people may change, but the story is always the same.

 

You're guilt of doing what tons of people do. Unfortunately, you still haven't even met him yet so you really have to try to curb the fantasies. You really need to engage with him in person before you go around saying you trust him so much and know him so well.

 

Why have you spoken for so many months yet not met yet? Where is this actually going? Do you have plans to meet soon?

 

haha. very good insight. i've also slightly learned to pick up on certain signs/red flags, but i still sometimes am not so sure.

 

i try to snap myself out of it as quickly as i can whenever i catch myself indulging in a fantasy like that.

 

well, i live in buffalo. and he's originally from buffalo. originally, i never intended on anything more than to pass the time by messaging him. but what i got out of it ended up being so much more. my theory is that he will be in town at some point during his holiday break. and if he is, i plan to ask him out to be able to have some real face-to-face conversation.

[KatZee]

 

well, i live in buffalo. and he's originally from buffalo. originally, i never intended on anything more than to pass the time by messaging him. but what i got out of it ended up being so much more. my theory is that he will be in town at some point during his holiday break. and if he is, i plan to ask him out to be able to have some real face-to-face conversation.

 

0_o

 

Talking to him for months and you don't even know if he's going to be in town? I would ASSUME that if you guys were as close as you say, talking for months, he would be ALL OVER the opportunity to tell you that he's coming home to Buffalo and that he would love to see you.

 

I don't know, but I'm getting super casual vibe from this, someone who's not too interested in taking anything to the next level, someone passing time with an internet friend, all while dating locally.

 

I wouldn't let this guy string you along any longer, because that's what I see him doing. You're putting all your eggs in that one basket, and he's out living his life. I would kind of just slowly back away from this... I bet if you never reached out, you would rarely hear from him, if at all again... :/

[ExpatInItaly]

0_o

 

Talking to him for months and you don't even know if he's going to be in town? I would ASSUME that if you guys were as close as you say, talking for months, he would be ALL OVER the opportunity to tell you that he's coming home to Buffalo and that he would love to see you.

 

I don't know, but I'm getting super casual vibe from this, someone who's not too interested in taking anything to the next level, someone passing time with an internet friend, all while dating locally.

 

I wouldn't let this guy string you along any longer, because that's what I see him doing. You're putting all your eggs in that one basket, and he's out living his life. I would kind of just slowly back away from this... I bet if you never reached out, you would rarely hear from him, if at all again... :/

 

I got the same impression. It sounds like he's dating others and not overly eager to meet in person. Limit contact for a while, get out and meet other people. Don't make excuses for his lack of initiative.

[nomadic_butterfly]

It strikes me as very odd that you guys would have spoken that much initially and not solidify concrete plans to meet. If you were international and had to deal with the complexities of visas, etc. I'd understand but this guy is really not that far away. I am sure there are even trains that could connect you two.

 

It would also be understandable if you lived on opposite coasts or something. I don't think either one of you takes your "friendship" very seriously. If I felt I hit it off with someone a train ride away within the first 6 weeks or less I'd be trying to meet up with them.

 

I say date locally until he makes some sort of initiative. If he comes home (to Buffalo) during the holidays and makes no plans to meet you, you already know where you stand :-).

[jefermelesyeux]

you guys make very valid points. but he has talked to me in such a way/said things to me numerous times before which led me to believe there was a deeper connection than just a friendship. i'm not trying to sound naive here, but he really doesn't seem the type to string someone along or not be honest about the way he feels. but maybe that's just me holding out hope.

 

technically, his home is in olean, ny. which is about two hours away from here. but he did live in buffalo for a long time. during thanksgiving break he'd mentioned wanting to come here but not having enough time. so you'd think i'd have asked about christmas time during that conversation, but i didn't think to.

 

oh well, i suppose time will tell. there is another guy i am also seeing, who is actually local. and he is great. but for some reason, i've been so stuck on dc guy lately. i don't know what it is.

[Leigh 87]

He's just not that into you.

 

If a guy is really into you he isn't on a dating site; he cancels his account as soon as he finds a girl he's nuts about.

 

Both guys who were into me deleted their accounts on or after date one.

[jefermelesyeux]

He's just not that into you.

 

If a guy is really into you he isn't on a dating site; he cancels his account as soon as he finds a girl he's nuts about.

 

Both guys who were into me deleted their accounts on or after date one.

 

i agree to an extent, but i don't necessarily think him remaining active on the website is a dealbreaker. as i've said, we're not exclusive. and i'm still active as well, but that doesn't mean i'm not really into him.

 

but i do appreciate your input.

[KatZee]

you guys make very valid points. but he has talked to me in such a way/said things to me numerous times before which led me to believe there was a deeper connection than just a friendship. i'm not trying to sound naive here, but he really doesn't seem the type to string someone along or not be honest about the way he feels. but maybe that's just me holding out hope.

 

To put it bluntly, I'd say you don't know this guy at all. All you know is a bunch of crap he's spewed at you online. Lets look at facts here.

 

1. He's sweet talked you into being so smitten... meanwhile

2. Thinks it's perfectly acceptable to fall off the earth and completely ignore you... all while...

3. Never apologizing for blatantly ignoring you and then...

4. Gives a super vague response of being "so super busy..." and then...

5. Has probably plans to be in near you during the holidays and doesn't even ask you to get together.

 

Nothing about this screams "I'm so into you!" I think it's your ego. It's basically a case of, "I can't have what I want!" While you're stomping your feet and acting desperate to gain the attention of someone who's barely casting one eye your way.

 

I feel you're more into having the guy you're so into reciprocate, rather than it being a case of him being so super amazing.

 

Focus your attention on the local guy, this online dude seems like a complete waste of time.

[nomadic_butterfly]

He's just not that into you.

 

If a guy is really into you he isn't on a dating site; he cancels his account as soon as he finds a girl he's nuts about.

 

Both guys who were into me deleted their accounts on or after date one.

 

Wow you met some good ones! I've found most men online are hesitant/less inclined to delete a profile unless you get super serious first.

 

The only exception is a guy I've been kinda getting to know over the past year. About 6 weeks into getting to know each other he deleted his. We met literally right as I was about to delete my profile anyway b/c I was over the online thing and accidentally forget to delete it a year prior.

 

I don't think I'd delete mine after just one date though unless we talked A LOT before meeting and really REALLY hit it off. For me, I'd say by date 3 if we get there I would delete/deactivate.

[nomadic_butterfly]

To put it bluntly, I'd say you don't know this guy at all. All you know is a bunch of crap he's spewed at you online. Lets look at facts here.

 

1. He's sweet talked you into being so smitten... meanwhile

2. Thinks it's perfectly acceptable to fall off the earth and completely ignore you... all while...

3. Never apologizing for blatantly ignoring you and then...

4. Gives a super vague response of being "so super busy..." and then...

5. Has probably plans to be in near you during the holidays and doesn't even ask you to get together.

 

Nothing about this screams "I'm so into you!" I think it's your ego. It's basically a case of, "I can't have what I want!" While you're stomping your feet and acting desperate to gain the attention of someone who's barely casting one eye your way.

 

I feel you're more into having the guy you're so into reciprocate, rather than it being a case of him being so super amazing.

 

Focus your attention on the local guy, this online dude seems like a complete waste of time.

 

Precisely. I think it is absurd to be on the same coast, a few states/train ride away and never make concrete plans. It is unheard of for two people who feel some kind of connection/see potential. In my experience the only guys like this are time wasters who have you as their plan B.

 

I've been in the OP's position. Met a guy, Skyped with him, thought he was cool, BUT we made plans to meet and then I called him once that week and he never called me back or replied to text. Then he magically reappeared two months later. Oh how I socked it to him!!!

 

I was in NY and he was in Pennsylvania. We initially planned on meeting half way or him coming to NYC. Then when he came back around he wanted me to go to HIS HOUSE in the middle of nowhere for the first date. Uhhhh, hell to the no. I was like I am not an idiot; you broke our plans, your 1st choice never panned out, now you turn to me, the back up plan and want me to go to some strange man's house who doesn't even respect me enough to take me out on a REAL date? Surely you have lost your mind! I am not desperate and I will not tolerate this kind of treatment. Good luck! Hello and BYE BYE.

Edited December 26, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[rocketman122]

He's just not that into you.

 

If a guy is really into you he isn't on a dating site; he cancels his account as soon as he finds a girl he's nuts about.

 

Both guys who were into me deleted their accounts on or after date one.

 

oh yea. I date someone im interested in and I dont go back, but every single woman ive dated have aways gone to my profile and check on me. to see if I went back in the time we were dating.

if the dating didnt continue ,I would go back and see she was looking at my profile to see if I was logging it. very funny.

 

but yes if I meet someone and I like her and want another date, why the need to log on? I guess people feel that something better might come along and they might miss it.

[Leigh 87]

Precisely. I think it is absurd to be on the same coast, a few states/train ride away and never make concrete plans. It is unheard of for two people who feel some kind of connection/see potential. In my experience the only guys like this are time wasters who have you as their plan B.

 

I've been in the OP's position. Met a guy, Skyped with him, thought he was cool, BUT we made plans to meet and then I called him once that week and he never called me back or replied to text. Then he magically reappeared two months later. Oh how I socked it to him!!!

 

I was in NY and he was in Pennsylvania. We initially planned on meeting half way or him coming to NYC. Then when he came back around he wanted me to go to HIS HOUSE in the middle of nowhere for the first date. Uhhhh, hell to the no. I was like I am not an idiot; you broke our plans, your 1st choice never panned out, now you turn to me, the back up plan and want me to go to some strange man's house who doesn't even respect me enough to take me out on a REAL date? Surely you have lost your mind! I am not desperate and I will not tolerate this kind of treatment. Good luck! Hello and BYE BYE.

 

 

 

:lmao:

 

Gee, I wish I had copy and pasted that last part ^^ and said it to MY recent disappearing prick of an ex!

 

I am not at all desperate, but I accepted him back, fooled around with him, only to have him disappear after he got some action:sick:

 

Boy have I learnt!

[nomadic_butterfly]

:lmao:

 

Gee, I wish I had copy and pasted that last part ^^ and said it to MY recent disappearing prick of an ex!

 

I am not at all desperate, but I accepted him back, fooled around with him, only to have him disappear after he got some action:sick:

 

Boy have I learnt!

 

LOL we have ALL been there! But we've got to live to learn...

[nomadic_butterfly]

you guys make very valid points. but he has talked to me in such a way/said things to me numerous times before which led me to believe there was a deeper connection than just a friendship. i'm not trying to sound naive here, but he really doesn't seem the type to string someone along or not be honest about the way he feels. but maybe that's just me holding out hope.

 

technically, his home is in olean, ny. which is about two hours away from here. but he did live in buffalo for a long time. during thanksgiving break he'd mentioned wanting to come here but not having enough time. so you'd think i'd have asked about christmas time during that conversation, but i didn't think to.

 

oh well, i suppose time will tell. there is another guy i am also seeing, who is actually local. and he is great. but for some reason, i've been so stuck on dc guy lately. i don't know what it is.

 

Actions almost ALWAYS speak volumes over mere words. Words are cheap, easy to say and carelessly flow from the lips. The tough part is putting on the big boy pants and backing it up with a physical follow-through. Honestly.

 

The person I've been getting to know kinda left me wondering about a few things but his culture is very different and I've also said/done/initiated some things that triggered some of the behavior to be fair. Within the next month though, I will SEE by his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) if it was all just hot air or if he was sincere. I told him thoughts, ideas, and intentions without action is like a car without fuel; pointless and going nowhere! Put your money where your mouth is!

 

We've not met yet due to some visa challenges and me starting a new job and having to accumulate enough vacation days at the job I started this year (he did however make me meet his best friend when he was in town). At this point I am neutral. I am not thinking negatively but I am not going to be head in the clouds overly optimistic either. I will just wait on actions and react accordingly. I am super pragmatic, think with my head more than my heart though.

 

I abhor ambiguity so I set a specific deadline (politely but firmly) so I will know if he was/is serious about us actually meeting IRL. If you read enough stories on here and you will see some people can be full on in the virtual world but true colors are shown when things should materialize.

 

If he contacts you again, I say ask him when's a good time to meet up (and make a lighthearted suggestion i.e. I was thinking by Mid-Jan) and take it from there. If he gives you an ambiguous answer then you know where you stand and tell him to have a good one!