ParadisA330 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 This seems to happen more often than I'd like. I do the online dating thing. I am new to the area and I don't know anyone. Its always the same situation. They seem to really be into me while we're texting and on the phone. When it comes to the first date, we have a lot of fun, but then its always the same. "I had a great time, but I didn't feel any chemistry. You are a really nice guy! I would like to be friends!" These are after some really great dates! We laugh, we sometimes walk hand-in-hand--all good things, but then "the text" comes shortly after. I don't understand it. I guess I don't expect instant chemistry to spark over a dinner, or over coffee, but obviously she does. I feel that I am getting setup for failure, when girls seem to be "so into me" (they even say how excited they are to meet me and really enjoy talking to me etc etc). How can I change this? Anyone else been in this situation?
mario_C Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 All the time. I hoped for advice as well in here, but... So let's see if we have better luck this time!
Author ParadisA330 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Posted December 24, 2013 Well, despite the "me too" response, I am happy that I am not the only one. I would be interested to know if its just guys in my same boat, or if its females as well. I am certainly being myself all the time via text, phone and on the date. I am "sorry" that I give off a friend vibe. I mean, you had a great time, I made you laugh, I made you feel comfortable...wouldn't you want that? Its to the point where I get a lump in my throat when I get a text from a girl that I am current "talking" to stating "I really enjoy talking to you". Its like "Oh *****, here we go again."
Phantom888 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 I had tremendous success when I did online dating. Met the love of my life on it. I have experienced several "no chemistry" and "I want to be friends." No big deal. Just move forward, and learn from your experiences. You can't expect to bat 1000 when it comes to online dating, but your odds increase the more experience you get.
emva07 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Well for me, and a lot of girls....if we don't put out on the first date we stop hearing from a guy. Nothing I can do about it, I can be as interesting as can be but that's not what they're interested in. Keep trying.
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 So, I guess this is normal for OLD?
theothersully Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 It is normal, but in my humble opinion, you should be doing better in real life meet ups than online. For some reason or another, you are not living up to their expectations that were set by your profile and your interaction online. work on your appearance and your personality when talking to these girls in real life. For some reason, your profile is setting their expectations differently. Try to figure out what is causing this discrepancy. for me, my online dating profile have sucked I guess. Hahaha I always do better in person. If I can get them to meet me.
MrCastle Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Be more sexual. Touch her on the date. Put into her head that you see her in a sexual way.
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Yeah, it could be. I am thinking it might be my looks. I have a lot of pictures on my profile and then via text with the whole "selfie" deal. I make them laugh and they always say they have a good time (being polite maybe?)
Lady2163 Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Well, texting and talking get the ball rolling, but reasons I've ever sent a message afterwards that essentially says, thanks but no thanks. 1) And this is huge...appearance drastically different than pictures shown. I'm talking 50 pounds or more heavier...or lighter. Shaved head or ponytail instead of hairstyle shown. 2) A cousin to appearance...if he shows up in ratty jeans and stained t shirt, needing a shave, greasy hair etc. It takes me over an hour to get ready, clothes prep, jewelry, hair, makeup, shower. When he has spent exactly no time getting ready. 3) One time a man insisted online of picking the restaurant and said he would pay. It was a nice restaurant, he'd been there before. Before we ordered, he asked me, " is it okay if we go Dutch?". No explanation and at the time I was strapped. If I had known it was Dutch, I would have said an Applebees restaurant rather than a $20 for a burger place. 4) Another time I had a first date on a Friday during Lent. I recognized he was probably nervous, I could handle all the teasing about wanting a bite of his steak. Waving it under my nose more than once was too much. Please understand, I'm not saying you have done any of those things, those were just deal breakers with me. While on the date, I'm still charming and laugh. I may even agree to speak quietly in his vehicle before we part or go for a walk. I'm not saying we do anything sexual. I just have not completely ruled him out. OLD is kind of an excuse to have bad manners for both men and women. If you are set up with someone you work with or your sister in laws best friend, you are going to probably proceed with more caution and manners. If it doesn't work out, if the woman is a witch, people are going to hear about it. If it is a total stranger who you never have to see again, you may just cut to the chase and rule them out. Hope you keep trying.
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Thank you for your insight. I don't do any of those things. I am reminded of one date I had, about a year or so ago. We met and she looked about 50 lbs heavier in her picture. In addition to that, she was a tad socially awkward (it was more than just nerves). Obviously, via texting it wasn't an issue. I can't help but wonder if I am giving off this impression, or if I am socially awkward as well! For whatever its worth, I've only done the OLD deal. I would be open to meeting people offline, but everyone I've came in contact with is seeing someone.
365daysgone Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Simple solution is to limit your texting before meeting in person. It happens to me everytime too. I am myself in text but because of my social anxiety, I come off very different in person. So limit your online communication before meeting up. Also understand that just because things seem really great to YOU, and she seems to be feeling it, she may not. Some girls are really hard to understand. Atleast you are getting explanations for them not being interested and they are not just disappearing on you with no explanation.
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Also understand that just because things seem really great to YOU, and she seems to be feeling it, she may not. Some girls are really hard to understand. Atleast you are getting explanations for them not being interested and they are not just disappearing on you with no explanation. That makes sense. By nature i am big into texting. Its good company, as sad as it is. I know i need to fill my time with other things and leave my phone on a table somewhere. I guess, my fear is "I never hear from you" and the whole "well, I want to get to know you better before we meet". I am all for a quick meet to see if we click shortly after a few messages, but some of the girls I've met are hesitant to do so. Others do disappear after, so its not always a bitter sweet ending. I always seem to get the "I had a really nice time, and you're a very nice/sweet guy, but I didn't feel any chemistry".
theothersully Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 oh, wait. I hadn't even thought of this. Are you texting these girls for a long time and developing conversation and rapport or over text?are you running out of interesting things to talk about because you already talked about them on text? definitely just use text and dating website chat in order to set up the date. To win her confidence in a way that she will agree to see you in person. Use them for nothing else. save all of your personality and charm for the real date. And of course look exactly like or better than the pictures that you have on your profile.
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Here is a typical scenerio. And maybe this is my whole issue. We exchange numbers and then text. From there I ask when they are free. 1 of 3 things usually happens: 1. I am free tomorrow night. - Great we setup the date and go from there. This is rare 2. I don't want to meet right off, I want to get to know you better first. Ok fine, so we text and talk on the phone 3. I am not free until next week. So we continue to text for the whole week. I agree, I want to go straight from a few texts to meeting, but a lot of times they don't want to do that or see that as "creepy".
FitChick Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Go from text to a quick phone call, if there is interest, to discuss date details and preferences. Don't make the date for the next night. You and she need time to back out if the phone call doesn't go well. You can tell more about a person from their voice than from words on a screen.
ae86drift Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 Your not the only one. Ive been on a few dates have same respond no chemistry or whatever, for some reason only older woman or out of shape woman likes me no matter what lol.
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Your not the only one. Ive been on a few dates have same respond no chemistry or whatever, for some reason only older woman or out of shape woman likes me no matter what lol. Yeah, same here. I am glad I am not the only one. I am trying the new approach of not texting as often etc. Keep things brief.
Antares Posted January 1, 2014 Posted January 1, 2014 OP: Same here. Although I've heard that less and less lately. So I think I'm doing something better. I think during the date, you just need to dig a bit deeper into who they are. It sounds like they're having fun...and that's a good emotion to have...but it's not one that helps establish an emotional connection. (Especially with online dating, which has a lot of other elements with it.) The reason that they're not 'feeling' it, is because you're not getting them to feel an emotion to you. That's sorta your job during the date too. Sometimes two people will just never be attracted to each other and no amount of good questions will build attraction. But there are things you can do to see if that attraction is actually there, or if an emotional connection can be built. But you can't be really obvious about it, either, you know. You just need to ask better questions during the natural conversation, (without it being an interview) or lead the conversation to things about her, about her past, about her experiences, about her passions, and how you share or feel those same things (if you indeed actually do). Get her to open up about things about herself...and internally she'll be aware that she's doing this and it may help to have her feel something. Imagine you're asking about her family, or travels, or some trip she took after graduating college, and she gets excited just talking about that and how it changed her. Look out for clues like that..where you can dig further and allow her to actually have those emotions inside her head again. Then...she might start associating you with those emotions, and start 'feeling' connected to you. (Like, wow, this guy really gets me!) It's not a science though. Just something to guide yourself by. But I hear ya. Just before Xmas I was talking to two girls, had a couple of short really great text conversations. One I had asked out and had semi firm plans to meet up for drinks on the weekend. The other I was about one conversation away from setting plans. However, both disappeared, that same week, with out ever replying to my text. Both girls I 'met' online, and perhaps that's just the nature of it. Strike while the iron is hot, because others are out there too. On a lot of online dates, in the past, I'd get 'didn't feel a connection' a lot. I think what people think they're attracted to on paper isn't always what they're attracted to in real life. And there's so much more that facilitates attraction - sights, sounds, manners, non verbal communication. But certainly during the date, you have to open them up more...to start feeling those emotions. 1
Author ParadisA330 Posted January 1, 2014 Author Posted January 1, 2014 Thank you! I will certainly give that a shot.
ae86drift Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 if she asked you to give her massage or put lotion on her body do it, I think I blew it good because I refused to, after the date she said she like me but there is no chemistry and now she acting really weird when I call or text her.
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