Dating after a breakup

[Volthi10]

I'm the same way. I go back and forth with how I feel. I remind myself daily of reality. My big worry is that I use not wanting to let go as an excuse that is not based in reality. I'm worried that I will remain perpetually stuck in the hopes that aren't real. I feel like I've done a lot of good work with my self esteem, but the thought if dating again made me return to thoughts of my ex. Is this just normal? I feel like I need at asses these fears and realize they are unfounded. Because the real fear is letting go and not ever having a chance with my ex. The problem is that he is gone, and there is no second chance.

 

You just have to keep repeating to yourself that its done. That you deserve to be with somebody who will fight for you and show you that they care. If he is gone, that shows he is perfectly fine without you. I am on the same boat and I have my really good days then the days I break and my world turns upside down. :/ You can do it!! Stay strong!

[BC1980]

So I have been talking to this new guy for about a month, and I'm just not feeling any spark. We've been on 2 dates, and I really don't feel anything. He seems like a nice guy, and we have a lot to talk about. We have good conversation, but there is nothing more there. I wouldn't want to kiss him to be honest.

 

I guess my two questions are:

 

1. How long do you wait after dating to feel a spark? Can it take a few months?

 

2. Could I be self-sabatoging myself because I still have feelings for my ex? I don't want to get back together with my ex, but I do still have feelings for him, and I'm said it didn't work out.

 

Any advice and experiences of dating after a LTR are welcome.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hi, BC. I broke up with my ex 5 months ago, and I relate to a lot of what you've said here. I still have these waves of thinking about him and missing him, but I've maintained strict NC, and I think that has helped.

 

I went on my first date about a month ago, and yes, going on that date brought forth a whole new wave of letting go. It made moving on much more real, as I was sitting there talking to a new romantic prospect instead of him. I was very emotional for about a day after that date. I felt no romantic connection with the guy, but just going on a date cemented the fact that it's really over with the ex. I've been on a couple of dates with one other guy since then, and though I saw more potential with him, I don't see enough to continue.

 

I think it's good to meet new people, go on dates, and keep moving forward. I never feel like I fully get over a breakup and stop thinking about the ex until I meet someone new that I really like. A new leading man in my life pushes the previous one into the past, rather than letting him dwell in my present thoughts.

[BC1980]

Hi, BC. I broke up with my ex 5 months ago, and I relate to a lot of what you've said here. I still have these waves of thinking about him and missing him, but I've maintained strict NC, and I think that has helped.

 

I went on my first date about a month ago, and yes, going on that date brought forth a whole new wave of letting go. It made moving on much more real, as I was sitting there talking to a new romantic prospect instead of him. I was very emotional for about a day after that date. I felt no romantic connection with the guy, but just going on a date cemented the fact that it's really over with the ex. I've been on a couple of dates with one other guy since then, and though I saw more potential with him, I don't see enough to continue.

 

I think it's good to meet new people, go on dates, and keep moving forward. I never feel like I fully get over a breakup and stop thinking about the ex until I meet someone new that I really like. A new leading man in my life pushes the previous one into the past, rather than letting him dwell in my present thoughts.

 

Thanks so much for responding. I went on one date with another guy, and it was my first since the break up. It really brought forth a lot of emotions simply to talk to him, but we had some good talks. I never heard from him after our date, but I wasn't upset. I hadn't really invested much into him. I felt like those interactions helped cement the fact that it is over with my ex, which I needed to accept.

 

This new guy seems nice, but there is something off putting about him. He is actually cute, but I don't feel much attraction to him. Is that possible? With anyone I've dated a substantial amount of time, I've felt attraction much quicker than this. In fact, after today, I feel less attracted to him than before. The more I think about it, the more I think I will probably not go out with him again. I don't think it has much to do with my ex; I think this guy just isn't for me, and that's okay.

 

The right guy will come along at some point. Honestly, I'm very content right now with my life if still grieving my ex. However, I've made so much progress, and I really feel so good most days. I still have my bad times (a few days last week), but I've come out of this a lot stronger than I thought I would.

[BC1980]

I thought I would resurrect this thread instead of starting a new one. I've recently been thinking about trying OLD, and I've realized how terrified I am to date again. I haven't been on a date in a year, and I haven't even tried. I keep putting it off, saying that I will start trying to date again in a few months. Anytime someone has offered to set me up, I make some excuse.

 

I've realized that I have no trust anymore. I'm very suspicious of a guy's intentions, and I've become extremely pessimistic about the prospect of love and marriage in general. I'm very scared of falling in love because I feel that would give a the person the power to hurt me. It makes me sad that I feel this way, and I don't want to feel this way. I want to be able to trust someone again and to love again. I'd like to get married one day if I find the right person.

 

I think that I've felt this way for the past 2 years, but I've put off coping with these emotions by not dating. I'm looking for advice on how to trust someone again after a horrific breakup. How do I have faith in love or anyone again? Do I just start dating and learn to trust? Do I deal with this on my own before deciding to date? Is it even realistic to expect to trust anyone again?

 

Also, this thread probably belongs in the coping section, but I don't know how to request to move it.

Edited August 22, 2015 by BC1980

[na49]

I think that I've felt this way for the past 2 years, but I've put off coping with these emotions by not dating. I'm looking for advice on how to trust someone again after a horrific breakup. How do I have faith in love or anyone again? Do I just start dating and learn to trust? Do I deal with this on my own before deciding to date? Is it even realistic to expect to trust anyone again?

 

I haven't overcome what you're dealing with, so I'm sorry if I end up not helping, but I do feel similar. The idea of dating sounds great, but the reality of it is a little scary. You know yourself better than anyone, but I would say the best way to learn to trust someone again is to start dating.

 

You can deal with this on your own, and it's okay if you aren't ready yet. If you do believe you could handle it, I say go for it. It is realistic to expect to trust someone again, but the only way is putting yourself out there.

[mtnbiker3000]

Believe it or not, you would never let yourself be victim to the same type of outcome. You've come too far and learned too much, whether it seems that way or not. You are now a much stronger and wiser woman, and see things much more clearly. Don't let your ex ruin that part of your life. Screw that and screw him!!! I encourage you to date, as I think you will do fine and you deserve to be happy.

 

Is there still a risk? Of course, but that's just life!!

[BC1980]

I haven't overcome what you're dealing with, so I'm sorry if I end up not helping, but I do feel similar. The idea of dating sounds great, but the reality of it is a little scary. You know yourself better than anyone, but I would say the best way to learn to trust someone again is to start dating.

 

You can deal with this on your own, and it's okay if you aren't ready yet. If you do believe you could handle it, I say go for it. It is realistic to expect to trust someone again, but the only way is putting yourself out there.

 

Thanks for the response. I do feel like it's normal to feel this way. I mean, how could I not feel this way? I also feel that the best way to deal with it might be to try to start dating again. Nothing serious but maybe just something casual with no expectations. Is that even possible? To have no expectations?

 

I guess I don't really know how I would deal with the issue on my own. I think I also need to work on trusting the right people. Not just giving out trust when it hasn't been earned. That was the biggest mistake I made in my last relationship.

[BC1980]

Believe it or not, you would never let yourself be victim to the same type of outcome. You've come too far and learned too much, whether it seems that way or not. You are now a much stronger and wiser woman, and see things much more clearly. Don't let your ex ruin that part of your life. Screw that and screw him!!! I encourage you to date, as I think you will do fine and you deserve to be happy.

 

Is there still a risk? Of course, but that's just life!!

 

Hey old friend, I'm glad you responded! I do feel that I have learned a lot, but maybe I'm scared that I won't put it into practice when I start seeing the red flags. But the only way to know is to get back out there. I don't want to live a life where I don't trust anyone, and I don't open myself up to the opportunity to love someone. It seems like a sad existence.

[Gus Grimly]

I've recently been thinking about trying OLD, and I've realized how terrified I am to date again.

Trust takes time, that's all really. Take it slow, be open and honest, don't erect barriers and allow a modicum of trust now and then when you feel comfortable.

 

I also have a suggestion as well. If you start getting serious with some gentlemen, do a background check. This will allow you an extra layer of protection once you enter into something more serious than casual dating. Be careful out there in the OLD realm. Ther are many men who are deceptive to the nth degree.

 

Other than that, there's no time better than the present. So create a couple OLD profiles and start checking what's out there.

[BriNyc82]

I wish I had an answer for you bc Im in the same boat. As someone who always approached dating as whatever happens happens, now I'm absolutely terrified. I trust no one. Not even myself to determine if their intentions are pure. I don't want to be that cynical bitter girl who's been hurt and comes off damaged. I never understood how people couldn't be ready to date. But now I do.

 

My approach going forward is to be more clear about what I want and upfront in the beginning. I'm usually pretty passive and let them steer. And look where that's gotten me. I also decided that when I see red flags not just to gab about it to my friends and have them confirm its a flag but to actually say something to the guy at that time.

 

Just a few things. I need to not get Invested too quickly and let them EARN my trust instead of giving it out freely. It's hard to "date" casually for me. To not look ahead but I think I need to in order to protect myself.

 

Good luck!!

Edited August 23, 2015 by BriNyc82

[Zapbasket]

Hey BC, I'm glad you resurrected this thread. And happy to hear you're thinking about putting yourself out there.

 

I will say that if you are working on opening your heart to trust again, OLD might not be the best route. Given the medium people tend to misrepresent and obfuscate in ways they couldn't as easily get away with IRL. Then again, sifting through profiles and solicitations for conversation might help you gain confidence in your gut feelings.

 

How about joining a hiking group or something where at least there is built-in accountability and less pressure? I have made a new friend at work, a guy my age with whom I share a lot of similar interests, and while I would be highly resistant to dating a coworker I have to see every day in the office, beginning to build a friendship with such a nice guy has helped me restore hope in there being truly good men out there, who will treat me with love and respect.

 

Do whatever you must to restore optimism to your heart and confidence in your perceptions and preferences. Know also that you have a whole board of folks here and together we can support you in warding off the jerk guys and keeping on the path to a happier life, alone or with someone who truly is right and healthy for you.

[BC1980]

Be careful out there in the OLD realm. There are many men who are deceptive to the nth degree./QUOTE]

 

I'm worried about OLD. I've heard some horror stories, and the idea of OLD isn't exciting to me. I feel like it would be easy for a person to date multiple people, and I would never know. Of course, that could happen in real life, but OLD seems to make it easier.

[BC1980]

I wish I had an answer for you bc Im in the same boat. As someone who always approached dating as whatever happens happens, now I'm absolutely terrified. I trust no one. Not even myself to determine if their intentions are pure. I don't want to be that cynical bitter girl who's been hurt and comes off damaged. I never understood how people couldn't be ready to date. But now I do.

 

A coworker told me I'm "wasting my good years." *sigh* I don't know. I've just been screwed to the wall one too many times. But I have to admit that some of it was my own doing by staying in relationships that were cr@p. I've always been able to date after a relationship with no problems. This one has thrown me for a loop. Heck, it's been 2 years since the breakup, and about a year and a half of NC. If I'm not ready to date now, when will I be? I have to admit that I'm terrified of falling for anyone. I'm terrified of giving them that power. That's the root of it.

[BC1980]

Hey BC, I'm glad you resurrected this thread. And happy to hear you're thinking about putting yourself out there.

 

I will say that if you are working on opening your heart to trust again, OLD might not be the best route. Given the medium people tend to misrepresent and obfuscate in ways they couldn't as easily get away with IRL. Then again, sifting through profiles and solicitations for conversation might help you gain confidence in your gut feelings.

 

How about joining a hiking group or something where at least there is built-in accountability and less pressure? I have made a new friend at work, a guy my age with whom I share a lot of similar interests, and while I would be highly resistant to dating a coworker I have to see every day in the office, beginning to build a friendship with such a nice guy has helped me restore hope in there being truly good men out there, who will treat me with love and respect.

 

Do whatever you must to restore optimism to your heart and confidence in your perceptions and preferences. Know also that you have a whole board of folks here and together we can support you in warding off the jerk guys and keeping on the path to a happier life, alone or with someone who truly is right and healthy for you.

 

GC! I'm so glad to hear from you! Good for you for opening up to a new friend. OLD scares me. Thanks for the pep talk. I hope we've learned a lot, but I guess the only way to find out is real life experience.

 

A hiking group would be a great idea. I need to see if we have any in my area.

[erklat]

I think you misinterpreted trust and naiveté?

 

You will be able to trust but the special power

of no fncks given is already inside you. It doesn't

prevent you from trusting, that you know that your

nonchalance is greater than your partners stupidity.

[mtnbiker3000]

A coworker told me I'm "wasting my good years."

 

Rubbish!!! That's 'scarcity' thinking. Remember, live a life of 'abundance'. There is as much out there as you could possible want. If the universe wanted you to be single for the last couple of years, so be it. Means nothing!! You are an attractive young woman who has the ability to find a good man at any time. Tomorrow, next month, or next year...

 

I have to agree with other posters in that OLD can be both good and bad. And there is a larger potential for manipulation and misrepresentation. Have you considered a 'Meetup' group in you area that does something you're interested in??

 

Too bad we're so far apart. I'd totally date you

Edited August 23, 2015 by mtnbiker3000

[nellbell86]

Hi all! I just wanted to jump in on this thread cos I can identify with alot of what you're saying, although I'm still quite early along in my BU recovery. Its been 2 months, well 1 month of rollercoaster back and forth, then 1 month since the 'official' break up. I still feel like I am at square one and have not made ANY progress whatsoever. I think about him every second of every day, even though he has made it absolutely clear he is not interested in a relationship (hes young and decided he'd much rather be out screwing around than actually with someone who loves him), I just can't seem to let him go and even think about moving on at all. Just the thought of dating, or even talking to someone of the opposite sex makes me feel sick, let alone being intimate with someone that's not him.

 

It's strange cos we were only together for 7 months, didn't live together yet or anything like that, yet I am finding this the most difficult break up of all. My previous 2 relationships were 7 years (married) and then nearly 4 years, and I had no trouble moving on and jumping straight back into going out and meeting guys again. But I just can't even think about it this time! I was at the pub with a girlfriend a week ago and a very cute guy was showing alot of interest in me, I felt so sick and uncomfortable that I left!

 

At the moment I feel like I'm going to be stuck being in love with him forever. Even though he's treated me like crap since our breakup I can't stop loving him. I want to move on, I'm 29 and want to get out there, but it terrifies me!

[Oregon_Dude]

Nell,

 

I hear you. My recent r/s was not even 4 months long, but the breakup has really been doing a number on me. Mostly because of how blindsided I was by it, and the fact that she never gave me any explanation whatsoever aside from some half-hearted text message about not being sure if she wanted a relationship. This, after we had exchanged all sorts of intimate moments and I love you's for months already. (My gut tells me she decided to go with someone else. It just feels really shady. I'm angry.)

 

I have tried to date in the past few weeks, and it was like the universe was telling me, "no". Very few responses, a date that wasn't right. I am looking forward to getting back to being happy by myself, and taking at least 6 months off from the whole mess.

 

You are 8 years older than your ex. I am 10 years older than mine; I'm 31. Please remember that our exes are much more immature than us and with much less life experience. Yes, they want to go f*ck a bunch of other people, fine. But we are older and in a different place in our lives right now. With enough time, we will both see that these exes of ours were totally wrong for us, and would never have worked out.

 

I just wrote something that I hope helps: "Your treatment of me does not define me or reflect on who I am, at all." We feel like crap because of how they treated us, but we are great people. Don't forget that!

Edited August 23, 2015 by Oregon_Dude

[nellbell86]

Oregon,

Yep I hear ya, I was completely blindsided also, the very day he was texting me saying how much he loves me, quoting love song lyrics, then that night came over and said he needed 'space' and wasnt sure he wanted this anymore! WTF!! I truly think there was someone else also, maybe in that time he got confirmation from this other person that they wanted him or something, and thats why he went from hot to cold in one afternoon. I know hes not with anyone, but i do know hes slept with at least 1 other person since our split, and rumour has it before our split as well :/

 

Yeah I know the age and maturity is a huge thing, he did a very good job of acting mature and like this is what he wanted and going along on the path to 'forever' with me, and then does a complete 180 and says thats not what he wants at all, and reverted right back to his single young drinking smoking ways. Makes me wonder if thats the real him and he just had me fooled all along.

 

I know I am nowhere near ready to even look at someone else right now, but I also feel like that is going to be the only way to ever get over him, is to get some kind of attention from someone better so I can kick him off his pedestal and realise he's not as wonderful as i idealise him to be at the moment, and there could be much better matches out there for me.

[Zapbasket]

I'm with Mtnbiker on the scarcity thinking implicit in your coworker's comment. Are there really "good years," or just good partners? Because "good years" spent with a bad partner are not good years. I think about all the wasted time with my ex, not only the time taken up by the relationship itself, but the time afterwards trying to straighten out my head and heart, and honestly it would have been better if I had just been single that whole time. A few months after the breakup, my best friend said she thought I should be single for at least 3 years to work on myself and retrain my expectations of relationships. I was crestfallen to hear that. "Three years!?!?" I thought. But now that I have been single for two years, my friend's good sense has finally hit home.

 

I'l tell you, BC1980, I am really enjoying being single. I am still in weekly therapy and my sessions have evolved from coping with the trauma of the breakup, to looking at the maladaptive thoughts I had about relationships, to now examining what I really want in life and who I really am. I have spent so much of my life accommodating to external expectations that I feel I have lost myself over the years, and that contributed to making me susceptible to choosing badly when it came to romantic partners. Now, I am finally free to become the person I truly am, and it's scary but also gives me a feeling of incredible liberation.

[Zapbasket]

Anyway, all the above to say that maybe right now you are exactly where you need to be. You will trust again when you fully trust yourself, and when someone comes along who is worth trusting. Seriously, and not to be pessimistic, there are so many douchebags out there, men as well as women, it's good to be skeptical. I didn't use to think that way. It just seems fitting that when you begin to ask for what you deserve, the pool of eligible partners diminishes, while your sense of overall well being increases tenfold.

 

I dunno. Sometimes I fear I will never find anyone, and of course though I maybe need to be single for a while longer I wish I could have that companionship that only a romantic partner brings. For now, I think the best thing for me would be a good m ale friend. I want people who genuinely are interested in ME, not just what they can get or hope to get from me. When I look back at my romantic relationships, I am left with this sad feeling that none of those men truly saw me or were deeply interested in me. Enamored of me for a time, yes. But that was all. And I accepted that, but not anymore. I can't afford anything less.

[guest569]

I think the "good years" are whichever years you decide for them to be, don't worry about that. Definitely don't push it if you're not feeling good about it. What exactly is worrying you about dating, is it fear of being hurt again or going through another breakup or something else? What are you looking to get out of dating, a relationship or just meeting people or ?

 

I could relate to what you were saying about dating bringing back those feelings. For me, the pain resurfaced when I was underwhelmed with dates or not being treated right. I was fine though when I met the right guy who was willing to take things slowly and made me forget about the past. He hurt me too in the end but I was definitely way stronger from the previous breakup and coped with it so easily in comparison.

[BC1980]

Rubbish!!! That's 'scarcity' thinking. Remember, live a life of 'abundance'. There is as much out there as you could possible want. If the universe wanted you to be single for the last couple of years, so be it. Means nothing!! You are an attractive young woman who has the ability to find a good man at any time. Tomorrow, next month, or next year...

 

The "good years" comment sort of hit me hard. It seems like I've been focused on my age since the breakup. I was never worried about that before, but it bothers me now. The "abundance of life" helps. I'm going to remember that.

[BC1980]

I'm with Mtnbiker on the scarcity thinking implicit in your coworker's comment. Are there really "good years," or just good partners? Because "good years" spent with a bad partner are not good years.

 

It's depressing to think that we only have a limited number of "good years," which usually implies our younger years. It's also usually code for: don't waste the years where you are physically at your best, meaning more young and attractive. Because once you get older, you will be too ugly to attract anyone. I find the entire concept extremely depressing.