Dating after a breakup

[BC1980]

I was dumped in April after 3 years with my ex. I haven't dated whatsoever since then, but, lately, I have felt as though I am ready to move on and meet someone new if the opportunity presented itself. Well, one of my friends wants to set me with with a guy she knows, so we have emailed back and forth a few times. We have yet to meet in person. We have a lot of the same interests, I find him attractive, and he seems like a nice guy all around.

 

Why is talking to this guy bringing up so much nostalgia over my ex? I really thought I had moved on from my ex, but, now that the opportunity has presented itself, I'm really missing my ex. I'm going so far as to even miss his family, and it's hitting me again that I won't be a part of their lives anymore.

 

Is it normal to feel this way after a long term relationship? It's almost like the finality of our breakup is hitting me again. I'm worried that I won't be able to love someone like I loved my ex. I have had 2 previous relationships (prior to this ex), but it seemed so much easier to get other those. Granted, we never talked marriage, but I did love both of them. I was very close to my ex's son, and it seems so weird that I won't watch him grow up. I thought I had dealt with all of these feelings, but they are resurfacing.

 

Has anyone dealt with similar feelings?

[Mariposa10]

It's normal to feel the way you feel.

 

Right now, I would just take things super slowly.

 

Whenever I talk to this new guy, it's nice, but after it I start to think about my ex. It's not like I miss him, I just start comparing them a little bit. I've been lucky though because this new guy is really nice.

 

In your situation, I think enough time has passed, and you've been NC for months now.

 

 

Have you guys talked about meeting in person any time soon?

 

 

 

(this was my 1,000 post, wow, I should take a break from here haha)

[julzfromsa]

it may take 8 months to a year to be in a place where you are completely over the ex. I'm sorta seeing someone now and i just cannot compare right now. Im so not in the right space too even think of anything serious but it does help to talk to someone from the opposite sex. Scary thing is that my sex drive is absolutely non existent - and i don't know when it will come back. How do you feel about this?

[Mariposa10]

How can you not compare them both? isn't that something people tend to do when they start dating someone and are not completely over their ex?

 

I'm also not looking for anything serious. I was in a relationship for almost five years... I'm only talking to this guy because it does help, it helps you not put your ex on a pedestal. It reminds me there's more fish in the sea.

 

My sex drive is still there, nothing has changed in that department

 

On the other hand, my self-esteem has been affected... Something I hadn't really had problems with int he past.

 

 

it may take 8 months to a year to be in a place where you are completely over the ex. I'm sorta seeing someone now and i just cannot compare right now. Im so not in the right space too even think of anything serious but it does help to talk to someone from the opposite sex. Scary thing is that my sex drive is absolutely non existent - and i don't know when it will come back. How do you feel about this?

[BC1980]

I'm beginning to wonder if, deep in my mind, I was wanting a second chance one day. I thought I had accepted all of this, but the finality is hitting me again. The reality is that my ex is not going to commit to me, and I know that. Maybe I'm scared because if I go out with this guy, I will be making an active decision to move on. I think a lot of it has been passive thus far because I was reacting to my ex. I had no choice but to accept what he did.

[BC1980]

it may take 8 months to a year to be in a place where you are completely over the ex. I'm sorta seeing someone now and i just cannot compare right now. Im so not in the right space too even think of anything serious but it does help to talk to someone from the opposite sex. Scary thing is that my sex drive is absolutely non existent - and i don't know when it will come back. How do you feel about this?

 

I too find it difficult to be attracted to someone other than superficial. I haven't met this new guy in person, but I do think he is attractive. However, we need to meet in person before I could really decided. This emailing has only been going on for a few days.

 

I've really been finding it hard to get motivated in any aspect of my life lately. I just feel so apathetic about everything.

[JDPT]

I'm experiencing the same dilemma. I was dumped off a 4.5 year relationship in May. At first I would compare my ex to everyone and anyone. During these 8 months I went out on ONE date and it was excruciating to say the least. Since then, I completely stayed away from playing the field. I no longer compare other girls to my ex. I actually want someone completely opposite, I want something new and foreign. This can only tell me that I'm ready to start playing the field. I now look at other women and feel this "animalistic" attraction that I used to feel before. This may be a new phase I'm experiencing. In other words, I think you may just need a bit more time to spend time with yourself and get to know exactly what you really need and want in a partner. Pace yourself no need to rush, I'm certainly not rushing.

[Mariposa10]

This is exactly what I was afraid of you saying. I've done this in the past. I stopped living my life waiting to see if my ex would come back. This ANOTHER reason why I'm talking to this guy and will meet next week. I need this last push to help me move on.

 

 

 

 

I'm beginning to wonder if, deep in my mind, I was wanting a second chance one day. I thought I had accepted all of this, but the finality is hitting me again. The reality is that my ex is not going to commit to me, and I know that. Maybe I'm scared because if I go out with this guy, I will be making an active decision to move on. I think a lot of it has been passive thus far because I was reacting to my ex. I had no choice but to accept what he did.

[BC1980]

This is exactly what I was afraid of you saying. I've done this in the past. I stopped living my life waiting to see if my ex would come back. This ANOTHER reason why I'm talking to this guy and will meet next week. I need this last push to help me move on.

 

It scares me that I am feeling this way. I really do miss the ex and our hopes for the future. The possibility of this date has brought these feelings out. I also worry that if I don't date, I will always be waiting for this guy. I can't even believe I'm saying these things.

[BC1980]

I'm experiencing the same dilemma. I was dumped off a 4.5 year relationship in May. At first I would compare my ex to everyone and anyone. During these 8 months I went out on ONE date and it was excruciating to say the least. Since then, I completely stayed away from playing the field. I no longer compare other girls to my ex. I actually want someone completely opposite, I want something new and foreign. This can only tell me that I'm ready to start playing the field. I now look at other women and feel this "animalistic" attraction that I used to feel before. This may be a new phase I'm experiencing. In other words, I think you may just need a bit more time to spend time with yourself and get to know exactly what you really need and want in a partner. Pace yourself no need to rush, I'm certainly not rushing.

 

I think I'm also feeling overwhelmed about the future. The holidays suck.

 

There are plenty of people who have moved on, so we know it's possible to love again.

[JDPT]

I think I'm also feeling overwhelmed about the future. The holidays suck.

 

There are plenty of people who have moved on, so we know it's possible to love again.

 

I think it may be a good idea to prioritize letting go of hope. Internalize that there is no turning back. By accepting this you will expand your horizons and have clarity to see what the world has to offer you.

[BC1980]

I think it may be a good idea to prioritize letting go of hope. Internalize that there is no turning back. By accepting this you will expand your horizons and have clarity to see what the world has to offer you.

 

I think you are right. It honestly would feel so weird to be with anyone but my ex. I know that it's possible to love again, but it feels so odd right now to believe that could happen. I think, in theory, I say that I want to meet someone, but I'm actually panicking when thinking about it. I keep thinking, no this isn't right. I'm supposed to be with the ex and his son. WTF??

[JDPT]

It's not supposed to be painful. Meeting someone new should be fun and exciting. You would agree that there is nothing to respect any further. The relationship has been long over, nothing remains stagnant. However, if you don't feel ready to date yet, that's perfectly fine. This just means that you are choosing to spend a bit more time getting to know yourself and sorting your feelings out. You are free and clear to do as you please but remember that it should feel natural.

[julzfromsa]

How can you not compare them both? isn't that something people tend to do when they start dating someone and are not completely over their ex?

 

I'm also not looking for anything serious. I was in a relationship for almost five years... I'm only talking to this guy because it does help, it helps you not put your ex on a pedestal. It reminds me there's more fish in the sea.

 

My sex drive is still there, nothing has changed in that department

 

On the other hand, my self-esteem has been affected... Something I hadn't really had problems with int he past.

 

What i mean is that i still find my ex more attractive and better in every way even though she probably inst. Its the love that i still feel for my ex that ffff's up my emotions. You are so right, i compare this lady to my ex in every way. Dont think its a healthy thing to do. Perhaps one should just spend the time with this new person and enjoy it because it is something new and different.

 

Not sure why my sex drive is gone - perhaps it connected to my heart for the moment. Hope it comes back soon!

[BC1980]

So this guy gave me his number if I "wanted to text." Really? I mean, that is so lazy. He didn't even ask if he could call me. I'm not going to pursue this. It's not right to feel dread and anxiety at the though of even the possibility of meeting someone. Part of me worries that I will always feel this way though. That would be an absolute nightmare. How do you get rid of these feelings? Do you just jump back into dating? Wait them out?

 

I was talking to a friend they said she tried to date in the year following her LTR breakup, and she just wasn't there mentally. She said it took about 3 years to find someone she really loved and is now engaged. I think my moods are just too up and down at this point to consider dating.

[julzfromsa]

So this guy gave me his number if I "wanted to text." Really? I mean, that is so lazy. He didn't even ask if he could call me. I'm not going to pursue this. It's not right to feel dread and anxiety at the though of even the possibility of meeting someone. Part of me worries that I will always feel this way though. That would be an absolute nightmare. How do you get rid of these feelings? Do you just jump back into dating? Wait them out?

 

I was talking to a friend they said she tried to date in the year following her LTR breakup, and she just wasn't there mentally. She said it took about 3 years to find someone she really loved and is now engaged. I think my moods are just too up and down at this point to consider dating.

 

sometimes its nice just to chat to someone, even if its texts. You should so chat to him even if that's the be all and end all. One night my mate asked me to join him for some drinks and a social. Deep in my heart i was dreading it. I didn't want to go and hared the thought of getting up off the couch and driving to hes place. I didn't shower, and didn't even look in the mirror, i just left and met him there. Had a cry in the car, wiped my face and went inside. I didn't want to drink or speak but i forced myself. At one point, i wanted to just leave and i came so close to dropping my mate. Next moment a very intelligent, smart blonde lady just appeared out of nowhere, and we chatted the entire night. Obviously i wasn't in a space to want more but it helped, and i ended up enjoying the evening thoroughly.

 

Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Never in my life would i have even thought this might have happened. At the end of the day im glad it did.

[Mariposa10]

This happens to me too. I forced myself many times when I was feeling miserable to hang out with a friend. I remember how I would cry before meeting her, but after it I would always feel better.

 

I agree. It's good to talk to the opposite sex after a breakup, especially now that months have passed. It's new, and it can help you take your mind off things.

 

I don't know what this guy's deal is by asking OP to text him. Maybe he wants to talk to you more, but is afraid of coming on too strong.

 

sometimes its nice just to chat to someone, even if its texts. You should so chat to him even if that's the be all and end all. One night my mate asked me to join him for some drinks and a social. Deep in my heart i was dreading it. I didn't want to go and hared the thought of getting up off the couch and driving to hes place. I didn't shower, and didn't even look in the mirror, i just left and met him there. Had a cry in the car, wiped my face and went inside. I didn't want to drink or speak but i forced myself. At one point, i wanted to just leave and i came so close to dropping my mate. Next moment a very intelligent, smart blonde lady just appeared out of nowhere, and we chatted the entire night. Obviously i wasn't in a space to want more but it helped, and i ended up enjoying the evening thoroughly.

 

Sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Never in my life would i have even thought this might have happened. At the end of the day im glad it did.

[BC1980]

So after a few days, I wrote this guy back and said I would like to get to know him better.

 

I'm still wondering if I'm ready to date, but I don't want to let fear stand in my way. I think I'm scared that I might actually find someone that I can love one day more than my ex. It's that feeling of not wanting to let go because I keep idolizing the relationship. It's not based in reality because the ex has already given up on us. I don't want to keep using the excuse of I'm not ready to date to keep me stuck in the past.

 

Everyday, I keep reminding myself that he does not want to be with me no matter how hard I find it to believe. It's just the truth, and maybe getting to know someone else will be a big step to letting go.

 

Thoughts?

[JDPT]

If you are doubting it I personally don't think you are ready. I'm viewing dating (again) as icing on the cake once you go through the grunt work of healing yourself from this emotional blow. Just a few weeks I felt confident, strong, ready to play the field again but now I feel like I used to on month 4. I've lost all confidence and feel as I don't amount, perhaps it's the holidays which I wish would go by quicker. Continue to demolish all hopes, there isn't anyone to idolize, truth is there never was. In retrospect we see the type of people our exes truly were. It was their world and we just lived in it, at least that's how I feel. Shift the focus back to you and ask yourself, what is it that you are truly missing to be happy.

[BC1980]

If you are doubting it I personally don't think you are ready. I'm viewing dating (again) as icing on the cake once you go through the grunt work of healing yourself from this emotional blow. Just a few weeks I felt confident, strong, ready to play the field again but now I feel like I used to on month 4. I've lost all confidence and feel as I don't amount, perhaps it's the holidays which I wish would go by quicker. Continue to demolish all hopes, there isn't anyone to idolize, truth is there never was. In retrospect we see the type of people our exes truly were. It was their world and we just lived in it, at least that's how I feel. Shift the focus back to you and ask yourself, what is it that you are truly missing to be happy.

 

I'm the same way. I go back and forth with how I feel. I remind myself daily of reality. My big worry is that I use not wanting to let go as an excuse that is not based in reality. I'm worried that I will remain perpetually stuck in the hopes that aren't real. I feel like I've done a lot of good work with my self esteem, but the thought if dating again made me return to thoughts of my ex. Is this just normal? I feel like I need at asses these fears and realize they are unfounded. Because the real fear is letting go and not ever having a chance with my ex. The problem is that he is gone, and there is no second chance.

[Mariposa10]

In my opinion you should go for it. Do I expect a lot from this relationship? Not really, but you have to let go completely and I don't think you'll be able to do that until you start dating again.

 

However, the problem here is that you still have your ex on a pedestal. You need to work on that.

[BC1980]

In my opinion you should go for it. Do I expect a lot from this relationship? Not really, but you have to let go completely and I don't think you'll be able to do that until you start dating again.

 

However, the problem here is that you still have your ex on a pedestal. You need to work on that.

 

I really do miss him, but reality is reality. I've gotta keep telling myself that and staying NC.

[Mariposa10]

I just saw this on FB on the Baggage Reclaim website.

 

 

"You can't start the next chapter of your life, if you keep re-reading the last one."

 

I really do miss him, but reality is reality. I've gotta keep telling myself that and staying NC.

[mtnbiker3000]

BC - Obviously you are not ready to date yet. Nothing wrong with that. And, it seems very clear that you are still hanging on to hope with your ex. You must let this go. You will feel this way until you can believe there is no more hope.

 

I'm a little further along than you at almost 10 months. And although I still am struggling to move on for various reasons, one nice breath of fresh air is that I have no hope of reconnecting with my ex. In fact, I really never want to see or speak to her again. So, do whatever you can to kill that hope. Hope is killing you and severely slowing your recovery.

[Volthi10]

It is normal. It took me an entire year to completely say I was over my previous relationship of almost 4 years. It took me hard, I moved from the city and started fresh, but even then I was miserable. I ruined a very good possibility with a guy because I was so stuck on my ex. Now i am once again going thorugh a painful break up, it's been three months we broke up, but because we were living together about two weeks since we have officially been apart. And I was introduced to a guy, but I am not ready to move on, my friends tell me I need to go out have fun, do me and forget him, but its hard to just let him go. I still love him but im not sure he feels the same way about me anymore. You just have to be patient and you'll know when youre ready. dont compare them because that will only ruin things.