brashgal Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 I was in your position a few years ago and allowed my ex-h to stay in contact with the OW. It prolonged the agony for another year while they ping ponged back and forth - they weren't able to be 'just friends'. He eventually got involved with OW#2 and I finally asked him to leave. Every situation is different but it is very hard to break old habits. Better to let that sleeping dog lie...I also vote for no contact.
Devildog Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Bad idea Owl, Not just for the many valid points that people have brought up, but also for another reason. Most likely, this guy will be bitter and resentful and spiteful. I would predict his response would be worded in a way that will make your wife feel guilty for causing him so much pain and suffering. He will make her feel like a horrible person for doing what she did to him. Remember, he wasn't honorable enough to respect your marriage so he probably isn't honorable enough to just give your wife closure and happiness. This will just make your wife feel worse about herself and the whole situation. Don't reopen wounds for her, let her keep healing and rebuilding your marriage.
Author Owl Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 Thanks everyone for the posts. I do appreciate all the advice and support. I'd like to point out that my wife HASN'T asked me if she could contact him...during our conversation yesterday, she admitted that she still occasionally thought of him (not shocking to me, especially after having read so many stories from other people here on LS), and that her thoughts of him now weren't missing or wanting to renew her friendship with him, but that they were more along the lines of hoping that he made it through things ok. So, to clarify...I didn't set any limits to a request made by my wife....I had given some thought to whether or not it would help or hurt her to give her permission to do this one time thing. She doesn't even know that I've considered this yet...I wanted to discuss it with you fine people BEFORE I mentioned it to her...because I didn't want to falsly raise hopes if I decided not to suggest this to her. And I am going to follow the "majority rules" advice from everyone and not suggest it. As to me being "controlling"...I think all of us tend to be controlling at times. And it IS a habit I have to watch for.... But, I've done nothing but BE supporting and giving in trying to rebuid things between us. I'm not sure how asking for restrictions in how such a potentially dangerous contact could possibly be considered "over-bearing" by anyone. Thank you again for all of the advice. I'm sure a number of you are heartily sick of hearing ME give advice all the time...LOL! While I'm undoubtedly one of the least qualified people to give advice on relationships, I really do only try to provide what I think will be beneficial advice to others. Again, thanks all for the advice and support!
reservoirdog1 Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 F*ck "controlling" -- there's nothing controlling about insisting that a cheating spouse break off all contact with the person they cheated with, if they're really serious about reconciliation. If they're not willing to do that one simple thing, what faith could you ever have in their sincerity and commitment?
sylviaguardian Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Owl, I agree with everyone - don't do it. It's over, let it go. I am just a bit concerned why you would even want to go down this line. What this man thinks or feels is totally irrelevant. Are you hoping that he will tell your wife that he's forgotten all about her? It is irrelevant because your wife chose you. let this man go - he's not worth thinking about anymore. Stop agonising about whether your wife wants to contact him or not. She has chosen not to. If you can't let him go, it's going to be impossible to move on from this. Hugs, Sylvia
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 You need to tell her "I cannot prevent you from doing what you want to do. I can't MAKE you never contact him again. But I think if you really want this marriage to work that you need to never speak to him again-in person, or via email. Remember, if you're so concerned about him please realize this could set HIM back too. I know you must miss him, and that really hurts me-it makes me go crazy that you still think about contacting him. I know in time that will fade as we improve our marriage-but please, let's not have a setback right now....I've already dealt with enough".
Author Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 Sylvia- My wife and I were talking about "things" in general at one point last week, and he came up in the conversation (she'd mentioned him in reference to something or another). This prompted the question as to how often or what she even thought of him anymore...I asked this really for my own piece of mind, and her response was honest and what I expected to hear. She said that he DOES occasionally come to mind...and that mostly what she thinks of when he does come to her mind is hoping that he came through everything ok as well. I considered this email idea on my own, without talking it over with the wife first. I'm NOT comfortable with the idea of them resuming any kind of contact...the only reason I thought about it would be to provide her the opportunity to reassure herself that he did make it through this ok...thereby alleviating her fears that he DIDN'T end up alright. Remember, I was friends with his jerk for a while too....I have NO doubt that he's fine. (I'd probably rather hear that he was run over by a beer truck, but that's MY opinion...LOL). I won't lie...it would have the added benefit of reducing one of her reasons of thinking about him...thereby putting him that much further in the past. I didn't talk it over with my wife first because I didn't want to get her hopes up if I decided against the idea...which I have. He is in the past...but I do still struggle with a fear that I could end up going through this again. Today happens to be the 8th month anniversary of our D-day. I know this....the wife doesn't. She is a LOT better at forgetting things and letting them go than I am. Today especially, I'm sitting here feeling some of those same old feelings again. Not nearly as bad as they were then, thank god. And again...our relationship is MUCH different now than it was then...we were talking about that last nite as we got ready for bed. It's nice...we're a lot more in synch and working together than we were. Thanks for the advice and well wishes friend. They do mean a lot.
Author Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Author Posted January 11, 2005 I HATE sitting here feeling down just because of the freaking date!!!!!
Mr Spock Posted January 11, 2005 Posted January 11, 2005 Owl-PEOPLE who've done wrong are generally good at forgetting......it's those that suffer the hurt that remember.
sylviaguardian Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Sylvia- I won't lie...it would have the added benefit of reducing one of her reasons of thinking about him...thereby putting him that much further in the past. Owl, I am not sure if knowing he is ok, is going to put him further in the past. My guess is that only having nothing to do with him will put him further in the past. I really sympathise with you feeling down. Know where you're coming from on this one. But compare how down you are feeling today with how down you were feeling 8 months ago. Instead of dwelling on the date try to turn it into a positive by taking your wife out or doing something nice so that next month you can remember something nice. The reason why your wife does not remember because it's not the day HER world fell apart. She had already been living a lie for weeks before it. I really feel for you but try not to let these things get you down. You won remember? Sylvia
Miffy Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Owl, you have given me a lot of good advice in the past, all of which has been really appreciated. i read this post not realising you had started the thread. Your wife needs to stop thinking of this man on her own - the theory is it gets better the less communication you have and that 'closure' is a myth in my opinion. Letting her start up contact, even if it is only one 'monitored' email may open the floodgates in terms of her thinking about him again, even if she does not actually say anything. The fact she does not see him anymore should be closure enough - the worst that happens is that she gets depressed or is tempted to try and contact again. the best is that they say thank you, we are both doing great - is it worth the risk - in my opinion for what its worth and you know i am no angel is NO.
Author Owl Posted January 19, 2005 Author Posted January 19, 2005 I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice. I thought I'd mention too that this subject 'sorta' came up yesterday in a conversation between the wife and I. She woke up yesterday morning from a dream that involved the OM and myself. It basically had the theme that she couldn't come home because something had happened between her and the OM. The dream wasn't about what happened...it was all about her not being able to come home to me because it involved him. When she woke up, she wanted to talk to me about it, but was afraid to, because she didn't know how I'd react. But she DID mention it first thing after the kids had left for school...and I sat there and thought about it. It seemed to me that it went the way it did because he's the only person she'd had strong feelings for...it had nothing to do with her wanting to be with him NOW. He's the only person BESIDES me that she's had strong feelings about. She felt the same way, and was sooo relieved when I didn't explode or get angry or hurt over the whole thing. I stayed home (took the day as a vacation day from work), and we talked for a while that morning about everything. I told her then about what I'd considered...and she agreed that it's better off that he's gone and part of the past. We had a great conversation...both of us were honest and up front about everything. Then spent the rest of the day together...was a good day for us all the way around!! I let her know again how important the honesty portion is...that her TELLING me about her dream rather than avoid doing so because of how she thought I'd react was soooo much better than not telling me. And it helped a lot that I DIDN'T get all bent about it... At any rate...I just wanted to thank ya'll for the advice...and share a good thing from what's gone on with my lady and I...it could have been a bad negative, but we've learned to (usually) make those things into positives. On a peak on the rollercoaster ride atm...LOL!
sylviaguardian Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by Owl We had a great conversation...both of us were honest and up front about everything. Then spent the rest of the day together...was a good day for us all the way around!! I let her know again how important the honesty portion is...that her TELLING me about her dream rather than avoid doing so because of how she thought I'd react was soooo much better than not telling me. And it helped a lot that I DIDN'T get all bent about it... At any rate...I just wanted to thank ya'll for the advice...and share a good thing from what's gone on with my lady and I...it could have been a bad negative, but we've learned to (usually) make those things into positives. On a peak on the rollercoaster ride atm...LOL! Attaboy Owl! It's great to hear that you are at the peak of the rollercoaster! I too have learned that although honesty is important, and it's important to hear what the other person is thinking, that's it's also important for the betrayed partner not to react explosively. Otherwise they don't tell you nothing! Glad to hear of your great day. Sylvia
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 I'm glad for you both and I'm so happy she decided not to pursue your generous and unselfish idea. That is what is was, something very unique and giving to possibily allow her a final closure to ease her mind. Amazing, that is what you are Owl! ( I am NOT calling you WISE because I read somewhere you said the next person who calls ya that gets a black eye! ) Hmm, I won't put down here what I think, lol, not suitable for this section but maybe she owes you a "romantic weekend getaway"... If you know what I mean...And to treat you like a King...
Author Owl Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 Hmm, I won't put down here what I think, lol, not suitable for this section but maybe she owes you a "romantic weekend getaway"... If you know what I mean...And to treat you like a King... Sounds good to me!! Now....how can I suggest this to her so she thinks it was her idea......hhmmmmmmmmm....... LOL
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Now....how can I suggest this to her so she thinks it was her idea......hhmmmmmmmmm....... LOL...Hey honey...Ya know what I could use about now....HMMMMMMMMMM...
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