Owl Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 OK...so the wife and I sat down and had a pretty good discussion this morning before I came to work. It all started with me logging into "work" from the house, and discussing IM tools and how they are used by major companies. Her OM would IM her all day long using MSN, and we ended up talking about how he was able to do that when I couldn't. I asked her bluntly if she still thought about him, and had thought about contacting him. Didn't ask in any kind of mean tone or in anger...I KNEW that she had thought about it...pretty much based on talking with a lot of you here who have been in similar situations. She admitted that she had thought about contacting him...just to see how he is doing since the affair was ended. She knows he was hurt out of this too, and she's said that her only reason for even thinking about him was because she hoped that he was doing alright after what all happened. I do believe her. And I do believe her reasons for what she said. I've not discussed this with her yet, but I've wondered if my best bet would be to let her send ONE email to him...with several stipulations. She keeps the scope of the email to letting him know how well she and I are doing, and in asking how he's doing since. She will have to copy me on the email, and let him know that I will be copied on her email and on his response. That she has to tell him that this is a ONE time email to let her get closure on the whole thing by knowing that he's doing alright. And she'll have to agree to maintain our current agreemant after that....that she'll not contact him any further, not respond to ANYTHING he sends, and show me anything he sends. (He's not contacted her since the final email between the two of them in June). My only reasons for even considering this would be to let her get over the whole thing by finding out that he did survive thewhole emotional mess we were in. I THINK that she will be able to finally get the whole thing behind her by knowing how he's doing now. She should be able to find some closure on it. If anyone needs any background information, my whole wonderful story can be found here.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ Any suggestions or advice would be most welcome. I'm asking because I know what I think....I'm curious what everyone else feels could result from this.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Owl, my friend, you have a wonderful loving heart. Your wifey is very lucky to have you in her life... I think that if you both feel comfortable doing this, then it could work out. My fear for you on this one is all the "what if's" that could happen by opening this pandora's box. The perfect ending? He reads it, writes back I'm OK, glad you are happy and lets move on. Goodbye. The sad thing? Probably wouldn't happen. What if he gets angry at her for contacting him again? What if he comes around for her and won't leave her alone? What if he triggers something in her and she feels guilty? I know all this and probably more has gone through your head. Make sure you are there when she writes it and sends it to him. And yes, get a copy - And make sure she explains to him that you are part of this process, NOTHING is being hidden and no secrets. That way he is aware that she really is just concerned about his welfare and not hinting to him that she wants something from him. I hope this works and it is just the one time. Just scares me abit that by doing this, and it is very honourable of you to allow this Owl, once she starts this, she might want to continue and say, Just as friends...You know what I mean? Wish you the best though and I know whatever you both decide will be the right thing to do. WWIU
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I would say NO..... time will heal her thoughts.... What if he replies back that he is miserable and has not stopped thinking of her?.... How will yuor wife feel then?....what if she falls back into were she was? The door was closed Owl.....dont open it back up....... just my humble opinion....
Lonestar Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I think you should just let it go. Your stipulations for her contacting him are WAY too controlling. You must be CCed, she must tell him that you'll be CCed, and also that his reply will be fowarded to you, etc. etc. It's like you're playing God and giving them both a special treat or something. "Since you've both been so good and stayed away from each other, I'm going to allow you to speak one more time while I watch and supervise. After that it shall all cease again. I am the Mighty and Powerful God." Seriously, stop it. With an attitude like that you're only going to push your wife into another affair. If you truly forgave her, then move on and put it in the past. I understand you will always have trust issues, and she will need to comfort you when that happens, but it sounds like what you're trying to do now is satisfy your own curiousity. Maybe it's YOU who really wants to know how the OM is doing. You're the one that brought the whole topic up. Let it be now.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 If you truly forgave her, then move on and put it in the past. I understand you will always have trust issues, and she will need to comfort you when that happens, but it sounds like what you're trying to do now is satisfy your own curiousity. Maybe it's YOU who really wants to know how the OM is doing. You're the one that brought the whole topic up. Let it be now. This is not about him, it is about his wife's closure. She obviously needs it to move on. He is being quite strong through this and honestly, from his heart, is doing a very wonderful thing FOR HIS WIFE...Let's hope she doesn't take advantage of this situation and him...I think she is a smart woman and wouldn't do that though. She knows what she has infront of her now.
SoleMate Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I agree with the others. Another contact "just to see how he's doing" is dangerous. It violates NC and may start a new clock running on the healing process. If he knew how to push her buttons before, he probably still could if he wanted. It also gives him false hope. NC. Just NC.
Pocky Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Having kept in touch with my OM after the relationship was over I think it's best that she not talk to him again. Everything turns ugly when the affair ends..
Author Owl Posted January 5, 2005 Author Posted January 5, 2005 I appreciate the responses....and have to admit I've got some of the same fears. I've not told the wife that I've even considered this at this point...no point in letting her think that it might happen if I decide not to go with it. She's not asked for anything along these lines. It might be worth discussing with her at some point how she would feel if somehow she found out he was miserable. I'm sure he was for a while, but personally, my money says he sucked up and moved on. I've also got to admit that I've got my selfish reasons for considering this...if I've thought about it, I've often wondered how often she's considered emailing him herself WITHOUT my permission. If we did it this way, at least I'd be part of the process, and aware of it. Haven't made any decisions one way or another yet...I don't feel that this is something on a timetable. I may also bring this up in counseling to see what our counselor thinks of the whole thing. Again...thanks for the responses all.
Author Owl Posted January 5, 2005 Author Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar I think you should just let it go. Your stipulations for her contacting him are WAY too controlling. You must be CCed, she must tell him that you'll be CCed, and also that his reply will be fowarded to you, etc. etc. It's like you're playing God and giving them both a special treat or something. "Since you've both been so good and stayed away from each other, I'm going to allow you to speak one more time while I watch and supervise. After that it shall all cease again. I am the Mighty and Powerful God." Seriously, stop it. With an attitude like that you're only going to push your wife into another affair. If you truly forgave her, then move on and put it in the past. I understand you will always have trust issues, and she will need to comfort you when that happens, but it sounds like what you're trying to do now is satisfy your own curiousity. Maybe it's YOU who really wants to know how the OM is doing. You're the one that brought the whole topic up. Let it be now. Interesting that you feel I'm so controlling. So she should just contact him without any kind of regard to how it would impact me or how we're re-building our marriage? And I'd like to ask you something about the "move on and put it in the past" comment...have you been through this as the betrayed spouse? It's damned easy to say let it go, its in the past....try doing it from the side of someone who's been betrayed like this. Have you ever tried to re-build the trust from something like this? I've done everything in my power to do exactly that...and I think I've done a damn good job, thank you very much. Regardless...thank you for the advice.
KissMyTiara Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 First of all, yes hun, you are a wee bit controlling. I can see that in your posts. Seriously. I mean this the best way possible, really, but I can literally read the control, the "your way" into your posts. W may have tried to escape that, to get some freedom, some choice back into her life. She's asking you for PERMISSION, you are giving her RULES. Controlling? Yup. But as for your question, I agree with SoleMate on this one - another contact, even if just to see how he's doing, is incredibly dangerous here. She's ASKING HIM a question, which is going to REQUIRE a RESPONSE...and in response to her question of how he's doing, what if HE asks HER something? She will beg you to let her answer...and on and on and on...the cycle will repeat itself. Like SM said, if he knew how to push her buttons before, he probably still can and will. Any contact from her also gives him false hope...he will try and try and try. Just say NO. Addiction, remember? Do you give an alki a sip of your cocktail? A coke addict just one line? NO. Stop it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 The only hesitancy I would have in your situation, would be brought about by fears that she has unresolved feelings for him that she has hidden from you and emailing him would not only rekindle those feelings, but would instantly fire up resentment at your involvement in and the restrictive parameters of the correspondence. Her concern for this other man after all is said and done suggests that she still has feelings for him on some level, which makes sense given the abrupt nature of how they were split up. If that is the case, then any correspondence between the two would be disastrous. You'd be right back at square two. Or maybe three. You have talked about how your wife was having actual withdrawal from this guy - crying jags at being forcibly separated from him. He was apparently an addiction for her. Can a coke addict - even in the strict supervision of authorities or loved ones - benefit from 'just one more bump'? Ok, a tad extreme - but I hope you can see where I'm going with this. If you do this, you will have to accept that there is a chance, however remote - that this whole thing will be set into action again. That's a chance you have to take though - based on the faith that you have in your relationship. Hopefully you two have worked through this enough where it won't go in a bad direction though. Whatever the case, I hope that it turns out best for you both.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Interesting that you feel I'm so controlling. So she should just contact him without any kind of regard to how it would impact me or how we're re-building our marriage? And I'd like to ask you something about the "move on and put it in the past" comment...have you been through this as the betrayed spouse? It's damned easy to say let it go, its in the past....try doing it from the side of someone who's been betrayed like this. Have you ever tried to re-build the trust from something like this? I've done everything in my power to do exactly that...and I think I've done a damn good job, thank you very much. You got that right!! Standing O here. (Sorry, I guess I miss the NHL more than I've realized... ) You're doing FINE Owl and you're so not controlling, infact you are quite the opposite!) First of all, yes hun, you are a wee bit controlling. I can see that in your posts. Seriously. I mean this the best way possible, really, but I can literally read the control, the "your way" into your posts. W may have tried to escape that, to get some freedom, some choice back into her life. She's asking you for PERMISSION, you are giving her RULES. Controlling? Yup. LMFAO! KMT are you for real?? I guess the lines are drawn back in the sand again with you...I can't believe you actually have the BALLS to say that about Owl. Wish DazednConfused was here to see this one KMT.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia If you do this, you will have to accept that there is a chance, however remote - that this whole thing will be set into action again. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but is there a possibility that somewhere in your mind you may still be trying to prove this? But in the reverse. In other words, if your wife had contact with the xOM, and she proved her love for you by being totally unaffected by him, wouldn't you then be the beneficiary of some solid reassurance? My husband absolutely despises that nasty old cam-ho that he was sooooooo interested in before. He saw her for what she was after a time, and was disgusted by her. I dig that!!! It's such a huge boost for my self-esteem to know that she has no happy place in his memories. I am reassured that she could NEVER worm her way back into his life. Maybe it's reassurance that you need. I still need quite a bit and it's been about 9 months since D-Day.
KissMyTiara Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup LMFAO! KMT are you for real?? I guess the lines are drawn back in the sand again with you...I can't believe you actually have the BALLS to say that about Owl. Wish DazednConfused was here to see this one KMT. I have ovaries, thank you, and it's my opinion. I've read, I think, every single one of Owl's posts. I can read a hint of a controlling nature into them. Just the very fact that there are such strict guidelines set up BY HIM evidence this.
jmargel Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Don't let her contact him, it's opening a door for him to re-enter. And why are you even asking her such questions? All that is going to do is get her thinking about things again. LET IT DROP, and if you must discuss it, do it in another way. Make sure you two are still going to counseling as well. You can't expect a wound to heal when you keep picking at it.
StillHurtin Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Owl, I have to agree w/ others that stated you shouldn't let her contant him again. Let it go, she needs to let it go, who cares (you certainly shouldn't) how he is doing. Who gives a rats a$$ if he is crying every day and night, miserable, lonely, b/c he is no longer involved w/ your W. You should be the last one to care after what they (he) did by getting involved. Sorry to be so harsh Owl but you seem like a great guy and your W is lucky to have you. Don't feel bad if you don't want her to contact him again. She should really respect your decision about it. If my H wanted to contact the OW to see how she was doing he better pack his bags! I know that he will not contact her again b/c he can't stand her. He has said some awful things about her, things I even had to tell him was mean and heartless. He didn't care what he said. He can't stand the OW. I like it that way. Plz Owl, don't open this back up again. Let it go. Even if you feel and others say you are controlling you have every right to be in this situation. Your W should respect that.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I have ovaries, thank you, and it's my opinion. I've read, I think, every single one of Owl's posts. I can read a hint of a controlling nature into them. Just the very fact that there are such strict guidelines set up BY HIM evidence this. Yup I know...But I think in his situation he has every right to do what is necessary and if you feel it is controlling well you KNOW why he may be that way. I've read his posts too and I don't see him as controlling at all. Just somebody who got burned real bad by the love of his life and it takes a long time to trust again...Body, mind and soul not just words.
only1life Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Owl, Don't bring it up! Leave well enough alone! If you were concerned about closure, it's way too late for that anyway. I think I know exactly how you feel, I've been there. But for both of us, time has done some healing, and there's no way I'd risk loosing that healing - it was no fun getting to the better place where we're at, no way I want to do anything that might cause even the slightest hint of repeating any of it. Besides, what difference would his condition make to you guys? I think it was you that said any energies that a spouse gives to someone other than their spouse, is energy that the hurt spouse is supposed to be getting. If you're getting 100% of her now, why would you want to give part of this to him? Instead of thinking about all this, you should be happy that your wife didn't bring it up, and hasn't done anything in this direction herself - sounds like she is devoted to you, enjoy it! You're a good man, you deserve it, enjoy it. Take Care.
Lonestar Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Interesting that you feel I'm so controlling. So she should just contact him without any kind of regard to how it would impact me or how we're re-building our marriage? And I'd like to ask you something about the "move on and put it in the past" comment...have you been through this as the betrayed spouse? It's damned easy to say let it go, its in the past....try doing it from the side of someone who's been betrayed like this. Have you ever tried to re-build the trust from something like this? I've done everything in my power to do exactly that...and I think I've done a damn good job, thank you very much. Owl, my post wasn't meant to belittle you or put you down in any way. It was criticism about the way your initial post sounded. No, I don't think she should contact him at ALL. Not on her own, and not because you have it in your head that it might be a good idea. As far as putting it in the past, read my post again without the anger that arose in you when you first read a disenting opinion. I said that you will always have trust issues and it's her responsibility to attend to that. But you need to leave the OM in the past and move on. By having her initiate contact, you're only bringing past problems to the surface again. I see you have your supporters here who don't want me to criticize you either, but your post WAS controlling, whether you meant it to be that way or not. Good luck. Can people around here stop getting all freaked out just because someone tries to get them to see another side?? okay, I've been guilty of that too.
250r Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 The last contact she had with him was saying its over - no more contact. Keep it that way... if its over, then let it be over.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I agree with the others who have said it. It's a VERY slippery slope, best avoided altogether. The alcohol/drug analogy was very apt. Having "one more" contact with him won't help her put the EA behind her... it will delay the process. Why put so many restrictions on the interaction, when it's best avoided altogether?
Adunaphel Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I agree with all the others who said that it's better if there is no contact. If you are personally interested in how the OM is doing, could you find it out from a common friend/acquaintance who would not tell him that you asked?
Naive Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I say DO NOT LET HER CONTACT HIM!!!! Regardless it's a lose-lose situation because if she has it in her head that she wants to contact him she is most likely going to contact him with or without your permission.
VivianLee Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Owl, I don't see you as controlling at all. In fact, I see you as someone that loves their wife so much that you would sacrifice her speaking to someone that cause you great pain. However, coming from an addiction that kept me from maintaining NC till I love everything I valued and loved, you won't be helping the situation at all. It's none of her business what this man is feeling, it never was. All her concern should be about is what her husband is feeling. Yes, she has been addicted to someone so she is going to wonder but what is learned can be unlearned when it's pursued and continued. Yes, you are going to worry that she is or may contact him, probably because of people like myself that wouldn't stop. However, you are giving her such a support base and doing your best to work in this marriage, alot of us "repeat offenders" didn't have that support. You will set her months back if you allow this. I know it's living hell to wonder if she is contacting him and if she is, you will find out, these things get found out but save yourself trouble by just laying it in the hands of God or fate. You can't make her not want to if she is determined to, you can get her mind off of it and help her move on. You also will need to take initiative to let her know that although you can't "control" what she thinks about, under no certain terms does she need to get in contact with that guy. I really deep down feel strongly (I've been on both sides of this issue) that the NC has to remain. You don't owe it to her or the OM for them to "check on each" other...it's also NONE of his business what or how your wife is doing.....keep him out of your marriage! Please!
michelangelo Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 You would be out of your mind to allow her permission to contact the jerk again. It is not controlling to try to protect your marriage vows from an outsider. Hello, you do too have a controlling interest in each other and your marriage. This isn't about you keeping your wife under thumb. The only closure your wife needed was to end the damned affair. She did that already. It should not matter to her if the guy lives to a 100 or gets run over by a bus tomorrow. Your misguided empathy will open up a crack for your wife to renew her affair.
Recommended Posts