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Why am I not happy to get married

smellybelly

By smellybelly
in Getting Married

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smellybelly Member

smellybelly

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I'm getting engaged soon. My bf and I have been dating, I like being with him and now our parents are meeting soon to plan the next steps. (I come from abackground where engagements are done formally - no surprise proposals) - but I'm struggling because I'm not excited. I was engaged to my last bf before we called things off and I remember how excited I was to be with him

, how much I looked forward to our married life together, how happy I was. But this time I don't feel none of that. I don't know what's going on. I care for my bf immensely - he loves me more than anyone has ever, so why am I struggling?

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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I'm getting engaged soon. My bf and I have been dating, I like being with him and now our parents are meeting soon to plan the next steps. (I come from abackground where engagements are done formally - no surprise proposals) - but I'm struggling because I'm not excited. I was engaged to my last bf before we called things off and I remember how excited I was to be with him

, how much I looked forward to our married life together, how happy I was. But this time I don't feel none of that. I don't know what's going on. I care for my bf immensely - he loves me more than anyone has ever, so why am I struggling?

 

He loves you but do you love him?

 

How long have you been together?

 

I would not make the huge commitment of marriage if I am not all in and excited about it but instead have to talk myself into how much he loves me and compare him with my ex.

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smellybelly Member

smellybelly

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He loves you but do you love him?

 

How long have you been together?

 

I would not make the huge commitment of marriage if I am not all in and excited about it but instead have to talk myself into how much he loves me and compare him with my ex.

 

I do love him and we've been together one year.

Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

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My bf and I have been dating, I like being with him and now our parents are meeting soon to plan the next steps.
You are in like with your bf. Being in like is nice. It's not exciting. Not sure it's enough.
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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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I do love him and we've been together one year.

 

So do you have any idea of what you think the problem is why you're not excited?

 

When you compare your past engagement and now, what is different? What were you excited about then vs. now?

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smellybelly Member

smellybelly

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You are in like with your bf. Being in like is nice. It's not exciting. Not sure it's enough.

 

I think you're right.... He's nice, it's nice being with him, we'll likely have a nice life together. But it's not exciting, it feels superficial - lacks depth I suppose

sarbunoemi Member

sarbunoemi

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Probably because you are not prepared yet.

Probably you are scared of future plans with him.

Probably due to lack of communication, try to talk to him about this issue :)

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Talk to him & your parents.

 

 

Is there any chance that you are just scared since the other engagement didn't work out?

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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It's honestly CRUCIAL that you don't press ahead and expect your heart to simply catch up with proceedings. It could take 5 years or more for you to realise this if you carry on regardless.

 

The time spent now is worth its weight in gold. Take it slow.

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smellybelly Member

smellybelly

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It's honestly CRUCIAL that you don't press ahead and expect your heart to simply catch up with proceedings. It could take 5 years or more for you to realise this if you carry on regardless.

 

The time spent now is worth its weight in gold. Take it slow.

 

How do I slow it down without breaking his heart?

central Established Member

central

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How do I slow it down without breaking his heart?

 

You may not be able to - but better that you do it now than after you're married and find that you regret it.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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You aren't "in love" with him. If you were you would be looking forward to seeing his face at the end of the aisle as your father gives you away. You love him but you aren't in love. This will probably hurt him but you shouldn't marry.

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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How do I slow it down without breaking his heart?

 

You can definitely talk about life as a whole, how the prospect of marriage has made you think about all aspects of your life and you want to be sure you're doing the right things, across the board. It's a big change, a big prospect. That can prompt introspection in many people. It doesn't need to be 'I don't love you'. But 'buying time' (sorry for such a crass phrase) is absolutely necessary, from where I'm standing.

pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

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You aren't "in love" with him. If you were you would be looking forward to seeing his face at the end of the aisle as your father gives you away. You love him but you aren't in love. This will probably hurt him but you shouldn't marry.

 

This.

 

You care about him and like him a lot, but you're not in love with him. Don't get engaged if you're not excited about marrying him or having a future together.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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As a man who was left suddenly by his fiance, I say please talk to him immediately. Let him know that you still want to be with him, but that you feel marriage is just not a good choice right now. The worst thing you can do is marry him when you don't want to. The second worst thing you can do is drop a bomb on him by leaving him all of a sudden and wondering WTF happened. I am assuming you are a mature adult. Communicate!!!

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Kizza Established Member

Kizza

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You are not happy to get married because you are more than likely not ready to get married.

 

Don't let things get out of hand now or you will end up living a lie. Be honest now and even if there is a bit of heartache just know that doing it now saves much greater heartache in the future and saves an awful lot of time wasting.

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smellybelly Member

smellybelly

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I would like to thank everyone for their insightful advice and wisdom. What I'm hearing loud and clear and what I know is that I'm not ready to get married. This doesn't mean I don't want to marry him but that at this moment I'm not certain and need more time. I will have the conversation with him. I know he is extremely understanding and I will be sure to communicate that I still want to be with him- because I do - I'm just not ready to get married yet. Thank you

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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I would like to thank everyone for their insightful advice and wisdom. What I'm hearing loud and clear and what I know is that I'm not ready to get married. This doesn't mean I don't want to marry him but that at this moment I'm not certain and need more time. I will have the conversation with him. I know he is extremely understanding and I will be sure to communicate that I still want to be with him- because I do - I'm just not ready to get married yet. Thank you

 

^^^^ Good choice!!!

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