11 Years gone - 16 Years Old to 27 Years old -

[julzfromsa]

Hi Everyone

 

This will be my first post, hopefully not my last regarding this matter. I find myself starting a very unfamiliar and strange life at the age of 27. Only way to describe how I am feeling is to compare it with how Alice felt, tumbling down the rabbit hole. Life has lost its colour and I battle to feel motivated about anything right now. Let me tell you why.

 

I met Jamie when I was 16 years old, a year prior to my senior Year in South Africa. She was a best friend of my Cousin, Samantha. We were young, impressionable and excited. I found her to be exquisitely beautiful and fell head over heels almost instantly. We went through the motions and before long we were dating. I had tons of self confidence and had no problems winning her heart over back then. For the next year, the only thing important to me was her. My grades took a back seat and consequentially I ended up with a second rate graduation. Regardless of the poor academic year I had, I was in love and in good spirits. It is necessary to tell you all a little about or characters before we move on.

 

I had always been a confident, emotionally and morally intelligent person, even as I grew up. Girls liked me, and I liked them back even though I may have been a bit shy. I never really had any sort of romantically serious relationship before Jamie, so I found myself in a completely new and exciting space. Anyways, I think I became infatuated by this girl almost instantly. She came from a completely different background. She had a broken home where anything was acceptable. Underage, she ended up taking me to my first club. Well from that point on, I kind of had to grow up really fast in order to match up to her "adult maturity". I ended up giving her my virginity, which was a good experience for me, even though she was not a virgin. This already started to bother me as I realize now the connection I felt with her was not a healthy one. I was jealous and wanted 100% of her to belong to me.

 

Over the next year or so, things started to become serious. I took a year of work and school (gap year) and spent most of my time with her. We were in love and infatuated, going out to clubs, doing things that youths generally do except we did it all together. I started to feel that I was losing my morality and after a while started questioning her behaviour. She likes to smoke Marijuana and cigarettes and engage in rather reckless irresponsible activities with rather dubious people. I soon put a stop to all of this as I could not accept it anymore. Jamie eventually stopped all her nonsense and changed for the better in both my eyes and her parents. She went to school and got a qualification in Beauty Therapy. We were happy for the next year or so. We had our fights but they were just fights and made up soon after. So it had been approximately 3 years after school, we were 21 when she left me for the first time. She needed her space and freedom to explore whilst she was in her 2nd year beauty therapy diploma. I was broken and begged for her back. She wouldn’t have me, and 2 weeks down the road she was involved with an older guy. I was broken, absolutely devastated but managed to look after myself. I got fit, looked after myself and found a girl to console my broken heart for a short time. I didn’t end up sleeping with her because I felt that I was not ready for that. Jamie contacted me 8 weeks down the road and begged for me back, apparently it was the biggest mistake of her life. I took her back because I was desperately in love with her, even though I knew that we were completely different people. I was in my first year of a psychology degree, motivated and driven however the 8 week break up caused me to miss my finals and fail the year. I battled my way through the relationship for the next 6 months as she had been sleeping with this other guy, and numerous others and I was insecure and jealous. She put in all the effort and eventually I found my groove and forgave her. I ended up repeating the semester and passed with distinction while she finished her diploma. We moved in together and stayed at my folks place the remainder of the year.

 

I changed my career choice and decided to study architecture, and did so whilst she worked at a health spa. I would pick her up and drop her off at work while went to varsity. Everything went smoothly for a while till she met somebody at her place of work and had a fling with him. Once again I was devistated and broken. She decided very quickly that it was a mistake and wanted to fight for our relationship. She once again picked up the pieces of my heart and I had to find it in myself to forgive and forget. I believed that I had no choice because I loved her so much. I gave her my entire being, losing everything that I was in the process. The one thing in my life that I held dear was her. It was unhealthy and a huge mistake. I saw her to be this beautiful angel (she is very beautiful) however she is no angel. She was selfish and controlling and never trusted me for a moment - even though in 11 years I had not set eyes on another for not one second. I didn’t want anyone else but her, I truly didn’t. She treated me well while things were fine. We made love and held each other dear. Perhaps because of my nature, we didn’t go out as much as she would’ve liked. She is a very excitable and loud person where I am so much more grounded. I know how to have a good time but not matching her energy, not at all. Our friends believed we were a perfect match because we complimented each others personalities. They did not know of her indiscretion prior as I was too embarrassed to tell them.

 

Now my third year in Architecture school we were still living with my parents, however things did not go well. Jamie became restless and quite frankly so did I and there was a falling out with my parents. Of course I took Jamie’s side and she ended up leaving the house to move into a new flat, she was a working woman now and could do so, however I could not. I was in my third year of varsity and felt that if I could not contribute or pay my own way, then I should not move in with her, so I didn’t but I did spend most of my time there. Things seemed to be better than ever, but Jamie been extremely impressionable was influenced buy her flat mate who was single and a bit of a party goer. We had a bad argument one night and Jamie ended up going out, and kissed some other guy. She told me the truth the next day and was terrified I would leave. Once again, I could never leave over a kiss as now more than ever I loved her more. A deep seated love, almost entirely dependent. Once again my ego was broken; heart was in pieces and did not trust her. She worked hard to gain my trust and I could see an effort been put in from her side so eventually I forgave her but did not forget. She started a new job and I went on to finish my third year with distinction. We moved back in with my parents where things seemed to become comfortable and happy. I went on to my 4th year of studies. She supported me entirely and had not one glitch in our relationship throughout the year. We got engaged and I thought that this was it. She will be my wife forever. She was excited and couldn’t wait to get married but we had to wait till I had finished varsity.

 

I finished varsity top of my class, and I swear to God the only reason why I worked so God Damn hard was because I wanted to look after my wife more than anything. I wanted to support her and give her everything she wanted. She was by now the prize goal and nothing else could get in my way. I landed a top Job at probably the most reputable architectural firm in southern Africa and was feeling great. Just before I started working for this firm, there was another massive falling out at home (with my parents) and Jamie and I moved in together as now I could support myself and save for a wedding and house. Wedding plans were made and venues were paid for. She was excited, I was stressed. I was paying for this wedding and working ridiculous hours, sometimes 42 hours straight. She couldn’t accept this and we had many fights regarding the hours I worked. I kept on telling her, that I’m doing this for our future, for our wedding, not for myself. She never really could uderstand that. I ended u buying all the furniture for which she seemed grateful and excited. I don’t blame her for everything, not at all because the writing was on the wall. I had been so consumed in stress that I didn’t see the signs. We made love maybe 3 times a month but only for the past 6 months. I put the issue down to heavy stress on both sides as we were doing all this on our own. She was still very pleasant to me, and I felt that after 11 years our relationship had developed into something much more. She was my best friend, my lover and soon to be my wife. I was content and I honestly thought so was she.

 

About a month and a half ago, she went to Panama, South America on a Business trip. Donating her eggs to a woman who would pay 4000 US Dollars. I disagreed and said no. Eventually she made up her own mind to do it and left for Panama. I ended up trying to understand and thought that the money would help for the wedding. This was her excuse to do this. I’m not sure if she intended it to be a holiday or what she wanted this to be but it became the straw that broke the camel’s back. She returned a different person completely. Uninterested in wedding plans or house plans. Uninterested in her Job. She was changed, cold and heartless. She ended up meeting a man in Panama, and fell in love with her freedom I suppose. I tried to salvage the situation a week prior to her admitting all of this by going away for a weekend. I knew there was something wrong and desperately wanted to fix whatever the problem was. I just wanted the bad dream to end. The love of my life was changed and deep down I knew why. She just didn’t want me anymore; she just didn’t love me anymore. I was kind, gentle, didn’t push and honourable. She was cold and couldn't hold a conversation with me for more than a minute. The only thing she cared about was her Panama trip and travelling. We ended up making very disconnected love that night which probably hurt me more than anything in the world. I prepared myself for the worst that night as I knew.

 

The trip back home was agonizing and I knew whatever happens, we going to talk about this when we arrive, so I did.

 

She admitted to her cheating on me with a man she had met in 2 days. She told me that she loves me but not in-love with me and she does not want to fight for the relationship at all. I had been honourable, sincere, and honest for 11 years. I had given her my soul, my bank balance, my virginity - absolutely everything. I had supported her through the best and the worst and never not once was I abusive to her. I put her so high up on that pedestal that it was sickening to everyone around me, but I didn't care. I loved her for her faults and didn't want to think of how incompatible we were as a couple. I had finished top of my class in varsity and am extremely driven to succeed. I always understood that hard work was key to everything including relationships. She didn't finish school and is an au-pair at 27 years old who needs to "find herself".

 

It’s been over for nearly a month now and I’m still deeply in-love with this woman. She has sold the engagement ring for money and had no problems asking for more. She is now single and trust me when I say she will be meeting many men who I’m sure she just wants to have "fun" with as it is in her nature. I know it’s not healthy to think of such things so I try not to but it’s so very difficult. I have reconnected with the friends that will have me, and met a girl who is different in many ways and the same in some. The new girl helps as I am not alone and there is some companionship there, but she still isn't the one for me. I know this in my soul. She knows we just friends for now and I just don't see it going further.

 

I find myself at the age of 27, and my life is upside down. I moved back into my parents place for now with hardly any close friends and a broken heart. I was ready to start a family 2 months ago, now I have to get back in the saddle and meet new people of which i am not motivated to do. I have lost my partner and my best friend, and probably the reason why I was breathing for 11 years of my life. I know how unhealthy that is and that that kind of love is wrong, none the less it is how I felt.

 

I don't know what to say from here or what I am going to do. I have never been a quitter so I will not start quitting now. I'm doing all the healthy things I should be doing like training, speaking to friends, going out, been positive etc but the pangs of grief consume me. I have not contacted or spoken to her since the breakup as I know with no uncertainty that it is over and nothing I do or say will bring her back to me. I love her so deeply that I am willing to let her go. I'm just scared of what will happen to me, will I become lonely and ugly? Will someone love me the way I love them. Will I find someone as beautiful as I thought she was?

 

I’m in a mess, and hopefully, faithfully I will continue to live

[Kevin_D]

I'm beginning to feel that this is almost always bound to happen sooner or later when you start dating as teenagers

 

. My girlfriend left me after 6.5 year. Everything seemed perfect until less than a week before the break-up. She just said that she was exhausted because of all of our fights (what fights?) and needed time on her own. I somehow knew that there was another guy involved though. There always is.

 

If you haven't, you should read this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

It made me feel a bit better.

[julzfromsa]

thank you kevin - will read it.

 

Sometimes i wish i didnt meet her, 11 years wasted. Thats hard to deal with. What if i didnt meet her? Suppose hindsight is a biaaatch.

[Big Sky]

If you never met her then you wouldn't have had 11 years of wonderful times.

[Kevin_D]

If you never met her then you wouldn't have had 11 years of wonderful times.

 

Yeah, nothing lasts forever. Eventually we all die. If you had been together with her for 50 years and she died in cancer, would that mean that you wasted 50 years?

 

Also, you may look at it this way. As long as she hasn't got something to compare with, she can't possible know if she made the right choice. This will make her anxious, so eventually she would have become a bad partner even if she had stayed with you. If she ever truly loved you, it's not unlikely that she'll want to reconcile in a few years. And if you really love her, you'll be able to look past her mistakes.

 

But, this will take time. And if you sit around and wait for her, she'll never come back. You need to try to have a positive attitude about this. You'll have a lot of spare time, use this to time learn new things. Work out, learn how to play guitar, make paintings, hang out with your old friends...

 

If you just sit at home, looking at old pictures and feeling sorry for yourself, THAT will be a waste of time. It's easier said than done (right now I feel like I don't want to live anymore, but it'll get better), but we have to try. We can do it!

[lauri]

You sound like a great person with strong values, morals and a good heart. You did what you felt was right and there is absolutely no shame in that. This got taken advantage of, because you were someone who would always take her back no matter what. She could get away with murder, but don't dwell on it just make sure that doesn't happen again with a new girl.

 

With that said, you went through some excellent experiences with her and learned a lot (hopefully) about yourself and how good of a person you appear to be. The things I'm going to say below are not to put you down or hurt you more, but hopefully will help you move on and forward.

 

A relationship is something that is suppose to enhance your life, not make it. A girl who is truly in love and that respects you will always be loyal and never cheat on you. I think because you were always so available to her / forgiving you didn't challenge her and didn't appear to have the confidence (belief that you can't find another girl is deadly in these situations by always taking her back) pushed her further away. Notice every time she met a new guy she'd jump at him? She sounds like she cannot be alone and every time it didn't work out for her she came back to you, but only temporarily.

 

Take this whole experience, as painful as it is, and learn from all of your mistakes in the relationship and your mistakes of letting yourself be taken advantage of. Trust me when I say this, your ex girlfriend will never find a guy like you again and she will know it soon enough.

 

I know you may not see it this way, but you dodged a huge bullet with this chick. You deserve a lot better and to not be cheated on. You gave her everything and the least she could have gave you was loyalty. You had your experiences and now you need to try and move on. Post here, don't talk to her and keep moving forward.

 

Now...will you meet someone else and have someone else love you? Yes, you will. Why? Because no girl will ever do what this girl did to you again. You will demand respect and you will get it.

Edited December 24, 2013 by lauri

[legion113]

Could be worse, if you married her than suddenly there are legal and financial ramifications even IF she screwed you over repeatedly. She's a flake, her looks will fade, and she will be alone and broken thinking of what she COULD have had if she had stayed with you. You're going up my friend, she on the other hand is going the other way, and she might have taken you down with her.

[julzfromsa]

You sound like a great person with strong values, morals and a good heart. You did what you felt was right and there is absolutely no shame in that. This got taken advantage of, because you were someone who would always take her back no matter what. She could get away with murder, but don't dwell on it just make sure that doesn't happen again with a new girl.

 

With that said, you went through some excellent experiences with her and learned a lot (hopefully) about yourself and how good of a person you appear to be. The things I'm going to say below are not to put you down or hurt you more, but hopefully will help you move on and forward.

 

A relationship is something that is suppose to enhance your life, not make it. A girl who is truly in love and that respects you will always be loyal and never cheat on you. I think because you were always so available to her / forgiving you didn't challenge her and didn't appear to have the confidence (belief that you can't find another girl is deadly in these situations by always taking her back) pushed her further away. Notice every time she met a new guy she'd jump at him? She sounds like she cannot be alone and every time it didn't work out for her she came back to you, but only temporarily.

 

Take this whole experience, as painful as it is, and learn from all of your mistakes in the relationship and your mistakes of letting yourself be taken advantage of. Trust me when I say this, your ex girlfriend will never find a guy like you again and she will know it soon enough.

 

I know you may not see it this way, but you dodged a huge bullet with this chick. You deserve a lot better and to not be cheated on. You gave her everything and the least she could have gave you was loyalty. You had your experiences and now you need to try and move on. Post here, don't talk to her and keep moving forward.

 

Now...will you meet someone else and have someone else love you? Yes, you will. Why? Because no girl will ever do what this girl did to you again. You will demand respect and you will get it.

 

thank you so much for these inspirational comments. Its been almost 2 weeks NC and prior i only contacted her regarding admin. I will not contact her, simple and selfish reason: it hurts way to much. NC is much easier than been rejected over and over again. Guys/girls delete and block on all social media. Dont speak to their parents, don't even go there. My dad organised to pick up the furniture and clothes. Complete separation is key in most instances.

 

I made my mistakes and boy have i learned from them. LOVE YOURSELF and RESPECT YOURSELF. Love with all your heart but don't give yourself entirely to anyone. Self love is so important

[julzfromsa]

Yeah, nothing lasts forever. Eventually we all die. If you had been together with her for 50 years and she died in cancer, would that mean that you wasted 50 years?

 

Also, you may look at it this way. As long as she hasn't got something to compare with, she can't possible know if she made the right choice. This will make her anxious, so eventually she would have become a bad partner even if she had stayed with you. If she ever truly loved you, it's not unlikely that she'll want to reconcile in a few years. And if you really love her, you'll be able to look past her mistakes.

 

But, this will take time. And if you sit around and wait for her, she'll never come back. You need to try to have a positive attitude about this. You'll have a lot of spare time, use this to time learn new things. Work out, learn how to play guitar, make paintings, hang out with your old friends...

 

If you just sit at home, looking at old pictures and feeling sorry for yourself, THAT will be a waste of time. It's easier said than done (right now I feel like I don't want to live anymore, but it'll get better), but we have to try. We can do it!

 

Time for yourself and time to improve i suppose. I think its easy to blame the other party for all the mistakes, but its even more important to see where i went wrong. I agree previous reply - perhaps by accepting the BS i actually pushed her away from me without even realizing at the time. Perhaps one day when im all healed up and moved on, she come back to me. Hopefully by then it will be easier for me to give her the finger. Suppose its different this time. Perhaps there is tooooo mcuh water under the bridge. It feels like it.

[BC1980]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My ex also did a 180. I thought we were getting married, and we had been living together for a year. I planned my life with his, and I have never felt so abandoned as I do now. I feel as though I had my life planned out, and, now, I am left to pick up the pieces and start over. It's an awful feeling, and I'm still trying to regain some normalcy.

 

Above all, do not contact her. That is the best advice right now even though it is hard. You can't just shut off emotions that you have felt for years.

[julzfromsa]

I'm so sorry to hear about you heartache too. I wont contact her for any reason what so ever. I'm at peace with that now. Doesn't stop me from missing her or thinking about her. Doesn't stop the pain but it prevents even more pain. If that makes sense. I still don't quite understand or maybe it hasn't hit me 100%, but i know that we were not suited for each other. I still love her the same but it gives me some comfort that perhaps one day someone might love me the way i love them. and if i don't meet that person, than at-least i did love like that once. Still sucks!

 

I also know that if I dont contact her, she will never contact me. Atleast she is kind enough to do that. Still confused how someone can love you and then just snap, fall out of love.. I cant understand that. I try not to but its hard to accept sometimes.

[julzfromsa]

so battling to sleep as of late. last 2 night been difficult. Any ideas guys?

[Kevin_D]

so battling to sleep as of late. last 2 night been difficult. Any ideas guys?

 

Exercise helps. Watch episodes of TV-series you like. I prefer Seinfeld, it's funny and takes my mind of things, but I've seen the episodes so many times that I usually fall asleep. If things are really bad, painkillers kan help. Just don't make it a habit.

 

Eventually, you'll start to accept things. When that time comes, it will be a lot easier to get to sleep at nights. You'll still be sad but more relaxed.

[julzfromsa]

xmas day - doesnt feel like a good day. Battling to get out of bed but i will. Cant help but wonder if her family will wish me. I suspect she has told them to cut all ties and communication with me. Suppose its a blessing in disguise. Still feels very painful.

[julzfromsa]

well her familt didnt wish me and that sucks. Feeling some pain today. Bit lonely but i know i will be fine. Going to gym in the morning and then out with mates.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

How are those 11 years "gone"? You lived them, didn't you? The past is ALWAYS the past. What you gonna do, take it with you?

 

None of our lives ever work out the way we "think". It goes the way it goes. I met my husband at 17, together till 34. Those years are there, in the past, not drowning me. I live in TODAY. This moment.

 

Your "today" will get better. Your normal, going thru pain. But it wont last. This too shall pass.

 

Merry Christmas

[julzfromsa]

Its the dream i wanted to live. Meet someone in my youth, one girl. Marry them, have children. Didnt happen. Those years are not gone but my youth is. Suppose im a bit angry. Obviously there are amazing memories and i could never forget them.

[billyjotomas]

Not to sound cold or anything but these situations to me are easy...finish with her and she isnt good enough.......she cheated or has been with other men?

 

The worse and hardest to me is when the gf hasnt cheated when she is actually great i wish my ex was a bitch or evil, but she never did anything to me.

[billyjotomas]

Its the dream i wanted to live. Meet someone in my youth, one girl. Marry them, have children. Didnt happen. Those years are not gone but my youth is. Suppose im a bit angry. Obviously there are amazing memories and i could never forget them.

 

me too, dont worry keep ur high values and morality..

[julzfromsa]

Still cant sleep. Been thinking quite allot about her in the left over time during busy days. I cant help but miss her. Her smile and her manner. Her pretty face. Anyways, this to shall pass so i have been told. Its most certainly passed for her, if there was anything that even upset her. Probably not.

 

If anyone has any ideas on how to get to sleep, please send them this way. I train, keep relatively busy but still, cannot sleep.

 

I've blocked her on social media, but i saw a very brief and tiny thumbnail profile pic from a mutual friends account. Perhaps i saw it for a second. Didn't even see her features but it has taken me back a step. She looked beautiful, as usual.

 

Sometimes i wish we didn't love, and sometimes i think why has this happened to me. I still know there is no changing it. It is what it is and i have to accept and deal with it no matter the consequence. Not a easy night this is.....

 

Julian

[oracle]

If you haven't already.. check out my thread pinned to the top of the break up section... "Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship."

 

I did 19 till 35 basically.. so I know how u feel

[julzfromsa]

thank you - i will have a look

[DreamLost]

What you need now is to do something (e.g. exercise) to keep yourself from thinking about her and let time does its magic. With everything that you have put forth I totally feel for you but that's just how life is sometimes.

 

Stay strong, it's a tough recovery process but once it's passed I don't see a reason why you can't find someone that is much better.

[sw2020]

My best tips for sleeping are to eat very well. Prepare all your own food and cut out alcohol and anything processed.

 

Also, try moving in with someone else. Having positive per around and meeting new people (friends) will help massively.

[julzfromsa]

thanks guys - Just an update ( i feel better after i write it down. dot know why)

 

Perhaps been a few days since my last post. Have been eating well, nothing processed as mentioned before. I do exercise, and i train hard so im tired when i need to sleep. Im tired but cannot sleep. I think its just going to take time.

 

So its been nearly a month NC, and about a month and a half since i last saw her. We have one or two mutual friends, that are actually my friends from varsity. Jamie is seeing these people, and its hard for me to deal with. I would love it if she made her own god damn friends and spent time with them, but once again, everything she has, and the good people she has met is because of me. I wont do anything about it, ill just block and delete, and i just don't want to know. I want no contact, i want absolutely nothing to come back to me. Its to hard to deal with.

 

I have found another lady, we just friends for now but i know she wants more. I have told her the truth regarding my psychological mess ( in less gory details obviously) so that helps. It eats up allot of time and if i feel like going for dinner, there is someone that will want to do so with me, however it just isn't the same, not in the slightest. I understand its a healthy thing to do, but i know im still not in the right place for it. Wow - this sucks actually... Not what i planned for my life

 

She has asked me to come over to her place a few times, not sure if i can at this moment. Just not ready for that, not sure when i will be.

 

So Jamie has not contacted me in way or mean since it has been over. I see mistakes that i had made very clearly now, and i think its because i felt content with life, and let go a little. I now understand that one should never let go, and its probably best if you stay on your toes when in a relationship. Pretend everyday with your partner is like the first month of a relationship. Keep things spicy, and always try new things in the bedroom (healthy things)

 

Perhaps the stress of the marriage, and the financial burden of everything caused me to become complaisant. Will never make that mistake again. NEVER

 

Anyways guys, regardless if this is a little disjointed, but it honestly helps a bit when putting it down on paper. Perhaps in years to come it may help somebody else.

 

If everyone took and eye for an eye, we would all be blind - Ghandi

Edited December 31, 2013 by julzfromsa