Who to be in the dating game

[hurts_so_bad]

I still find myself struggling with who to be as a man,,Like I should have a code to live by with people especially women..I came up with one that I feel works and that is to treat people the way they deserve to be treated…For instance, If your child comes home with a F on his report card do you buy him that new Xbox 360? No cause he doesn’t deserve it…I feel it works I have been trying to apply it in my everyday life but there is still confusion when it comes to women..

 

I have spoken to many women and nothing seems to come out of anything! It seems things start off great and then they get cold! I feel like I am doing something wrong.. First off, I am no stalker calling or texting 80 times a day so lets get that out of the equasion..But maybe I am showing too much interest too fast?

 

Maybe I should play the game but I say to myself if that’s what I have to do then is she worth it? I know it’s a good outlook but it seems with being myself has not been working so maybe I should play the game! On the other hand I say hey this is me and if that’s not good enough then tough! But again, I find myself not getting anywhere

 

I have this beautiful Brazilian girl who emailed me from my craigslist ad…She lives in the area supposedly! But is visiting relatives in Brazil till the end of January.. At first I thought it was a scam like many others are but she did give me her number which is a 845 area code and we started talking and things were going good…she would text me a number of times during the day and I would call her maybe once or twice for 10 –20 min a day..

 

The other day things seemed to change…she is a quiet girl who doesn’t say all to much so many times I feel I have to start a topic to talk about and the convo got a bit boring the other night. So I just told her, Im gonna run I have a few things to do and told her to text me goodnight before she goes to sleep..Anyway, I get no text and it bothered me so I didn’t call or text her the next day..She text me around 6pm saying she was able to change her flight ticket.. She wasn’t sure if she was staying in Brazil or coming home unless she could change her ticket..

 

Anyway apparently she was able to change her ticket so she is staying in Brazil till the end of Jan… Anyway she text me telling me she was able to change it…I was still disappointed that she didn’t text me goodnight and waited till 6pm to text me the next day so I decided to not text her right away..I waited over and hour and I responded Good for you! You will have some more time in the nice weather! She waited about an hour to respond YES I can work some more on my tan..I then waited like 45 min to say Tan are always nice and hot! Then I got no response..

 

My thing is should I play this damn game or just be straight forward? I feel this is kids game BS but on the other hand nothing else has worked for me..I feel like calling or texting her, being straight forward and asking are you still intersted but I feel that spells out needy

 

The question I guess is should I be myself and accept that this is who I am and if that’s not good enough F her, which most cases leaves me with nothing but my pride or should I change the game in order to maybe get what I want

 

You know going threw a bad break up and longing for a relationship is tough enough! It really sucks to have possabilities tease you for nothing! Im just wondering if it is me or if women out there are just f'd up!

Edited December 24, 2013 by hurts_so_bad

[Philosoraptor]

 

I still find myself struggling with who to be as a man,,Like I should have a code to live by with people especially women..I came up with one that I feel works and that is to treat people the way they deserve to be treated…For instance, If your child comes home with a F on his report card do you buy him that new Xbox 360? No cause he doesn’t deserve it…I feel it works..

 

I have been trying to apply it in my everyday life but there is still confusion when it comes to women..I have spoken to many women and nothing seems to come out of anything! It seems things start off great and then they get cold! I feel like I am doing something wrong.. First off,

I am no stalker calling or texting 80 times a day so lets get that out of the equasion..

But maybe I am showing too much interest too fast?

 

Maybe I should play the game but I say to myself if that’s what I have to do then is she worth it? I know it’s a good outlook but it seems with being myself has not been working so maybe I should play the game! On the other hand I say hey this is me and if that’s not good enough then tough! But again, I find myself not getting anywhere..

 

 

I have this beautiful Brazilian girl who emailed me from my craigslist ad…She lives in the area supposedly! But is visiting relatives in Brazil till the end of January.. At first I thought it was a scam like many others are but she did give me her number which is a 845 area code and we started talking and things were going good…she would text me a number of times during the day and I would call her maybe once or twice for 10 –20 min a day..

 

The other day things seemed to change…she is a quiet girl who doesn’t say all to much so many times I feel I have to start a topic to talk about and the convo got a bit boring the other night. So I just told her, Im gonna run I have a few things to do and told her to text me goodnight before she goes to sleep..Anyway, I get no text and it bothered me so I didn’t call or text her the next day..She text me around 6pm saying she was able to change her flight ticket.. She wasn’t sure if she was staying in Brazil or coming home unless she could change her ticket..

 

Anyway apparently she was able to change her ticket so she is staying in Brazil till the end of Jan… Anyway she text me telling me she was able to change it…I was still disappointed that she didn’t text me goodnight and waited till 6pm to text me the next day so I decided to not text her right away..I waited over and hour and I responded Good for you! You will have some more time in the nice weather! She waited about an hour to respond YES I can work some more on my tan..I then waited like 45 min to say Tan are always nice and hot! Then I got no response..

 

My thing is should I play this damn game or just be straight forward? I feel this is kids game BS but on the other hand nothing else has worked for me..I feel like calling or texting her, being straight forward and asking are you still intersted but I feel that spells out needy…

 

The question I guess is should I be myself and accept that this is who I am and if that’s not good enough F her, which most cases leaves me with nothing but my pride or should I change the game in order to maybe get what I want?

 

You know going threw a bad break up and longing for a relationship is tough enough! It really sucks to have possabilities tease you for nothing! Im just wondering if it is me or if women out there are just f'd up!

 

Just be yourself and do what feels right. If a particular woman likes you just being you, great... if not, she wasn't the right woman for you anyway. No need to overthink things, just continue to get to know people.

 

But don't think you're ever not good enough. Just because someone doesn't want you doesn't make you not good enough, just makes you not what she is looking for. We all have opinions and you can't let the opinion of someone else effect you.

[hurts_so_bad]

Just be yourself and do what feels right. If a particular woman likes you just being you, great... if not, she wasn't the right woman for you anyway. No need to overthink things, just continue to get to know people.

 

But don't think you're ever not good enough. Just because someone doesn't want you doesn't make you not good enough, just makes you not what she is looking for. We all have opinions and you can't let the opinion of someone else effect you.

 

I get it and thank you..It just seems like these days there are so many games and if you dont play the game right then you lose...It seems thats all I have been doing and it starts to weigh on you..Its not like Im a stalker! I believe in giving but also expect the same in return..If Im the only one who seems interested I let it go..Just seems when I show interest women let go and it beats my ego up and makes me think I need to play this game...

[Philosoraptor]

I get it and thank you..It just seems like these days there are so many games and if you dont play the game right then you lose...It seems thats all I have been doing and it starts to weigh on you..Its not like Im a stalker! I believe in giving but also expect the same in return..If Im the only one who seems interested I let it go..Just seems when I show interest women let go and it beats my ego up and makes me think I need to play this game...

If you don't want to play games you don't have to. It may limit your options though as many younger men and women do not know what to do with someone being upfront and open. I dealt with the same thing. Once a woman started playing games I lost interest, life's too short to deal with silly games.

[hurts_so_bad]

If you don't want to play games you don't have to. It may limit your options though as many younger men and women do not know what to do with someone being upfront and open. I dealt with the same thing. Once a woman started playing games I lost interest, life's too short to deal with silly games.

 

Its crazy..You sometimes dont know what to do but I want to be at that point in my life where I do whether it mean win lose or draw...

You can play the games at risk of making the wrong moves and constantly question what move is next or you can be straight forward at the risk of sounding needy! Which is the right path?

 

I have this girl I was talking to for a few days a few months ago...We never went out but when it came to that point she got cold on me and disapeared off the map till last week..she text me saying hi..Now Im not stupid, I know she was dating while we werent talking and she admited it and I dont really care..Thing is she started talking to me sending pics again and when I asked for the date she got cold again...

 

I feel like telling her the next time she texts, Listen I made an offer to take you out but its obvious your not looking for the same as me so why dont we just leave it be...I feel thats the right answer to tell her but I am fearful that maybe Im jumping the gun, maybe Im not being patient enough and just let things happen, Fearful I will look needy and that will chase her away for good... On the other hand is telling someone that you would like to take them out but if they dont feel the same,Then they need to step off needy? Im not so sure it is..It may sound confident like this guy really knows what he wants and he isnt going to deal with BS...

 

I dont know, Its such a mind F@ck sometimes! lol

Edited December 24, 2013 by hurts_so_bad

[Philosoraptor]

The path of openness of honesty will always waste the least amount of time.

[hurts_so_bad]

The path of openness of honesty will always waste the least amount of time.

 

But will it get you what you want? Thats the question...I want to call this girl but I have a feeling she wont pick up...If Im open and honest I will text her and tell her, I like you and want to get to know you more but if thats not what you want then let me know...That sounds needy no?

 

I hear so many things that women are attracted to men who's feelings they are not sure about..I have seen it first hand with women I've met that I could care less about and they are up my ass! lol...

 

I want to believe that being real and open with a women is the best route but it seems the guys who show their true feelings most of the time get stomped on!

[Philosoraptor]

Well what do you want? If you want to avoid games and find a woman who likes you for you then be upfront and honest.

 

If you want to stress your brain, waste time, and use manipulation tactics to get women then play games.

 

I must ask... why would you want to be with a woman who rejects you for just being yourself?

 

_______________

 

If you're going to contact this girl do it by phone, not text. Tell her upfront in the conversation that you're interested in getting to know her better then propose a time and location for a date.

[johan]

 

I must ask... why would you want to be with a woman who rejects you for just being yourself?

 

The answer can always be paraphrased like this: "Because even I don't really like who I really am, especially compared to guys I admire, and she's hot."

 

I think this is a hard hole for guys to climb out of. It leads to long periods of being single, and maybe even without many friends, resentment towards women, and resorting to cynical tactics to try to trick women into dating them. The cynicism has to build itself to a breaking point, and maybe they are just going to have to wait unitil they get much older before a decent relationship comes their way.

[GemmaUK]

Well..she is busy doing things..as we all usually are at different points during the day.

She is with her family which will mean meal times, trips out, seeing friends, her own down time for herself..etc..

 

I think that asking her to text before she went to sleep is a bit much to expect.

If I am zeroed after a busy day I will just want to go and sleep, texting means that you have to text but also potentially wait for a reply to that text and then maybe you have to reply to that too...it sorta doesn't work!

 

My last ex wanted me to text went I went to sleep. I said I would try to remember - it was a busy time for me with work. The times I did he always sent a reply - which promptly woke me up about 45 mins later...

 

I refused to after a few times.

I also found out from him why he wanted a text. It was meant to be proof that I wasn't with someone else (??!!).

 

I suspect that in part she is busy so replies are spaced but also she is just setting respectful boundaries for herself and also..for you.

 

It means she understands that people need space and that you can't know exactly what someone is doing all of the time as to why a response hasn't arrived.

It's great!

She did text you at 6pm that day..that's fine, I'm guessing she didn't question where you had been nor what you had been doing in an accusatory way (it didn't sound liek she did) - also great!

 

I suspect that she gets quiet (as you mentioned) when she has run out of anything to say - which is why space between texts and calls is a good thing.

When I meet up with friends we have a 'catch up' on what we have been up to. It's good for dating too so that you 'have' things to talk about.

 

I don't like getting text much before about 10am each day..and have no problem if I don't hear from a man that day..if I want to say hello I will do.

 

It kinda gives you a chance to miss each other rather than feel like you are obligated to be by your phone all the time.

 

I think you need to relax.

Maybe even check to see if she is free for some text chat for an hour..you get a conversation that will go back and forth but also know there is a time when you and she can put your phones down and go do something else.

[hurts_so_bad]

The answer can always be paraphrased like this: "Because even I don't really like who I really am, especially compared to guys I admire, and she's hot."

 

I think this is a hard hole for guys to climb out of. It leads to long periods of being single, and maybe even without many friends, resentment towards women, and resorting to cynical tactics to try to trick women into dating them. The cynicism has to build itself to a breaking point, and maybe they are just going to have to wait unitil they get much older before a decent relationship comes their way.

 

 

I dont think it has anything to do with not liking yourself..It can but there are other factors as well..You can be lonely such as my case..But that doesnt mean Im a bad person or hate myself...Could just be my like situation at this point...

 

Im just trying to figure out the best path to take cause it seems like being myself hasnt worked..Dont get me wrong! Im not a stalker and I believe if there is mutual interest things should just flow...But it seems like the entire dating game has changed..This 3 day rule bull**** and stuff like that..

 

Look I believe in being honest but if its not getting you anywhere then what? Do you say how you feel with no regard if it scares her away or do you keep your mouth shut and treat her the way she deserves to be treated..If she doesnt call you dont call her kinda ****...

 

A short story with my ex wife..a long long time ago I was dating her when she was fresh out of a 6 year relationship..We started off strong but one night a few weeks later she was distant..I asked her whats wrong and she said she still wasnt sure what she felt about her ex..So I told her well I am very unhappy about it but she has to do what she has to do..Maybe a week later I come home from work and she is sitting at my families dinner table...We talked for a bit and she left..This happened 3 nights in a row..On the third night I told her look..I care for you too much to keep seeing you..If we are not going to be together then I just cant see you anymore...She said ok..The next day she was walking up my block crying and we were together for 17 years..

 

It hurt me to say that but thats how I felt and if she didnt come back I would have been really hurt..But she did..

 

I guess I know being honest with what you want is the best way I guess maybe its fear of rejection

[CrystalCastles]

I get it and thank you..It just seems like these days there are so many games and if you dont play the game right then you lose...It seems thats all I have been doing and it starts to weigh on you..Its not like Im a stalker! I believe in giving but also expect the same in return..If Im the only one who seems interested I let it go..Just seems when I show interest women let go and it beats my ego up and makes me think I need to play this game...

 

DO NOT PLAY GAMES. You would lose out on quality women that way. The minute I suspect a guy is playing games with me, out he goes. I've tossed out many hot guys because they started push-pulling and creating drama. Drama has NO place in a healthy relationship, and playing games is a huge turn-off. Unless you want to date trash.

 

You seem like a nice guy. You just need to not take rejection so personally. It happens to everyone. Keep putting yourself out there, ask 100 women out and I guarantee at least one will be the one for you. Don't give up, and good luck!

[hurts_so_bad]

Well..she is busy doing things..as we all usually are at different points during the day.

She is with her family which will mean meal times, trips out, seeing friends, her own down time for herself..etc..

 

I think that asking her to text before she went to sleep is a bit much to expect.

If I am zeroed after a busy day I will just want to go and sleep, texting means that you have to text but also potentially wait for a reply to that text and then maybe you have to reply to that too...it sorta doesn't work!

 

My last ex wanted me to text went I went to sleep. I said I would try to remember - it was a busy time for me with work. The times I did he always sent a reply - which promptly woke me up about 45 mins later...

 

I refused to after a few times.

I also found out from him why he wanted a text. It was meant to be proof that I wasn't with someone else (??!!).

 

I suspect that in part she is busy so replies are spaced but also she is just setting respectful boundaries for herself and also..for you.

 

It means she understands that people need space and that you can't know exactly what someone is doing all of the time as to why a response hasn't arrived.

It's great!

She did text you at 6pm that day..that's fine, I'm guessing she didn't question where you had been nor what you had been doing in an accusatory way (it didn't sound liek she did) - also great!

 

I suspect that she gets quiet (as you mentioned) when she has run out of anything to say - which is why space between texts and calls is a good thing.

When I meet up with friends we have a 'catch up' on what we have been up to. It's good for dating too so that you 'have' things to talk about.

 

I don't like getting text much before about 10am each day..and have no problem if I don't hear from a man that day..if I want to say hello I will do.

 

It kinda gives you a chance to miss each other rather than feel like you are obligated to be by your phone all the time.

 

I think you need to relax.

Maybe even check to see if she is free for some text chat for an hour..you get a conversation that will go back and forth but also know there is a time when you and she can put your phones down and go do something else.

 

I get what your saying and everyone needs time to do their own thing including me..I get it..But its not like I asked for her to text me and have a complete convo at the end of the night..All I said was text me when your going to bed to say goodnight..

 

I dont think thats an unrealistic request and figured it would be cute..Im 44 years old and never in my life had to play games..If there was mutual interest the texts and calls were there and came natural and even so you may not have talked it still made you feel good to say, "Hey Im thinking about you" Even if it was only a smiley face or a kissy face..Thats all I ask for to see someone is thinking of me..

 

I know times have changed but geez! Really? Are we that busy and self absorbed that we cant take time to just say good morning or goodnight? I dont think thats the way it supposed to work! I look at it that if you really like me your not going to look at it as a chore to text me..I mean really what does it take?

[GemmaUK]

I'm the exact same age as you.

 

What I found was that my guy would text back after I said I was off to sleep..but half an hour to an hour after I had sent my text.

So..it would wake me up. He would usually ask a question so a reply was required..so I didn;t get to sleep until much later than I wanted to. Not great when you are getting up at 5am!

 

I never expected nro asked himto to the same as I figured when he was tired he just needed to sleep.

It doesn't mean you are not thinking of someone if you don't use technology to express it.

In my view it is OK for a man to go to sleep without letting me know. It's his time for him..

[hurts_so_bad]

I'm the exact same age as you.

 

What I found was that my guy would text back after I said I was off to sleep..but half an hour to an hour after I had sent my text.

So..it would wake me up. He would usually ask a question so a reply was required..so I didn;t get to sleep until much later than I wanted to. Not great when you are getting up at 5am!

 

I never expected nro asked himto to the same as I figured when he was tired he just needed to sleep.

It doesn't mean you are not thinking of someone if you don't use technology to express it.

In my view it is OK for a man to go to sleep without letting me know. It's his time for him..

 

Well it just sounds to me that he was either checking up on you to 1. make sure you were home like him or 2.. to make sure you were home so he could do what he wanted..My point is just to text to say goodnight and nothing more..I think its nice and shows you are thinking about someone..

nothing more..

 

In a new relationship things to me just flow..Thats the way it used to be anyway...If your really into someone you call them and say hi, You text, you want to see eachother all the time..Thats how it is in my book..If things start off as if you were already dating for 2 years then ****! Where is the excitement or romance?

 

I guess the world has changed or should I say the people in it.. I prefer the old way but if I need to adapt I will.. I dont like being alone..Simple as that..Save me the BS that you cant love anyone till you love yourself cause thats BS..You certainly can! I will give up my life for my kids anyday!

Its just a matter of being alone that sucks! It gets boring and everyone wants to be loved! Well most normal people anyway!

 

Im at a confusing point in my life with all this BS..If Im myself and show interest Im in jeopardy of scarying someone away..If I play a game Im at jeopardy of am I playing it right?

 

Question iswhich is right?

[GemmaUK]

Try asking her what communication levels she likes at the outset?

 

When I began dating we had telehones linked to cables in teh wall and no internet.

 

I would be in touch with my man by phone a couple of times a week and see him two/three times a week.

 

It was great to see each other when we did as we couldn't wait be together!

 

I know that my recent ex wanting me to tell him when I was going to sleep was becuase he had trust issues that were related to past relationsips not me - he told me.

 

Like you say things should go with the flow.....totally agree....but being asked to text when you are about to go to sleep isn't going with the flow is it...that is a particular request and you were upset when she didn't adhere to it.

Should you not have gone with the flow of her not remembering to text?

And then she sent you a text the next day so............. I don't see a problem?

 

I have no idea what other problems you have I'm afraid. I was just going on info given.

[hurts_so_bad]

Try asking her what communication levels she likes at the outset?

 

When I began dating we had telehones linked to cables in teh wall and no internet.

 

I would be in touch with my man by phone a couple of times a week and see him two/three times a week.

 

It was great to see each other when we did as we couldn't wait be together!

 

I know that my recent ex wanting me to tell him when I was going to sleep was becuase he had trust issues that were related to past relationsips not me - he told me.

 

Like you say things should go with the flow.....totally agree....but being asked to text when you are about to go to sleep isn't going with the flow is it...that is a particular request and you were upset when she didn't adhere to it.

Should you not have gone with the flow of her not remembering to text?

And then she sent you a text the next day so............. I don't see a problem?

 

I have no idea what other problems you have I'm afraid. I was just going on info given.

 

Im sorry but I dont agree with that....Again.

I didnt ask her to have a texting convo.

 

I simply said text me to say goodnight when ur going to sleep. nothing more..with all tge technology we have these days and the 5 sevonds it takes to do so, I take it as someone who doesnt want to be bothered if they cant take that little time to do so..what I mean by going with the flow is that whem two people are into eachother they usually want to talk and see eachother as much as possible and it shoild be a natural flow..I havent dated in a long time so maybe things have changed but with what I see with alot of peoples dating technics these days is mothimg more then friends with bemefits or booty calls...

[GemmaUK]

Im sorry but I dont agree with that....Again.

I didnt ask her to have a texting convo.

 

I simply said text me to say goodnight when ur going to sleep. nothing more..with all tge technology we have these days and the 5 sevonds it takes to do so, I take it as someone who doesnt want to be bothered if they cant take that little time to do so..what I mean by going with the flow is that whem two people are into eachother they usually want to talk and see eachother as much as possible and it shoild be a natural flow..I havent dated in a long time so maybe things have changed but with what I see with alot of peoples dating technics these days is mothimg more then friends with bemefits or booty calls...

 

Well, you seem to be very fixated on the 'when you go to sleep' text.

She doesn't know that it won't provoke a reply from you that she would then need to stay awake to respond to Also she may have previosuly expeerienced the same thing as me (for me it was just one of many controlling behaviours displayed by my ex).

 

If you are not happy that she didn't/doesn't send you a text when she goes to sleep then it's better to move on as it seems like something you wouldn't want to compromise on.

[hurts_so_bad]

Well, you seem to be very fixated on the 'when you go to sleep' text.

She doesn't know that it won't provoke a reply from you that she would then need to stay awake to respond to Also she may have previosuly expeerienced the same thing as me (for me it was just one of many controlling behaviours displayed by my ex).

 

If you are not happy that she didn't/doesn't send you a text when she goes to sleep then it's better to move on as it seems like something you wouldn't want to compromise on.

 

Im not fixated on it just trying to explain to you what its all about figuring maybe you didnt understand what I meant...If I really like someone and the girl says ok babe, give me a text when you go to bed to say goodnight. I will have no problem doing so and if Im tired I will just say goodnight baby talk to you tomorrow..

 

I said it before and I will say it again..If two people are really into eachother they want to talk and see eachother as much as possible..There whouldnt be all these new BS games that I hear about on the internet..3 day rule yada yada...

 

At our age (40's) yes we have things that occupy our time, jobs, kids, homes, etc, that prevent us from being together and talking all the time but when that opportunity arises you take it...

 

I was married 17 years together 20 so maybe I am moving to fast I dont know..Just seems the dating game has changed so much..I guess I either have to adapt or wait till I find a person who believes the same as I do..

 

It just seems like such a game! I do know one thing though..What I give I do expect in return from a relationship..It cant be one sided..If I call and ask for such a simple request and the women cant take the time to do it, Sows me there is little interest..

[GemmaUK]

Im not fixated on it just trying to explain to you what its all about figuring maybe you didnt understand what I meant...If I really like someone and the girl says ok babe, give me a text when you go to bed to say goodnight. I will have no problem doing so and if Im tired I will just say goodnight baby talk to you tomorrow..

 

I said it before and I will say it again..If two people are really into eachother they want to talk and see eachother as much as possible..There whouldnt be all these new BS games that I hear about on the internet..3 day rule yada yada...

 

At our age (40's) yes we have things that occupy our time, jobs, kids, homes, etc, that prevent us from being together and talking all the time but when that opportunity arises you take it...

 

I was married 17 years together 20 so maybe I am moving to fast I dont know..Just seems the dating game has changed so much..I guess I either have to adapt or wait till I find a person who believes the same as I do..

 

It just seems like such a game! I do know one thing though..What I give I do expect in return from a relationship..It cant be one sided..If I call and ask for such a simple request and the women cant take the time to do it, Sows me there is little interest..

 

Then ask her.

Don't suffocate her with contact.

 

When I date I like communication to be fun and not an obligation.

 

If you expect certain things then you need to be vocal abotu yoru expectations..that gives her a choice as to whether she is OK with your expectations or not. If she isn't happy/you aren't she/you can move on.