First BU of my life, even before starting the "real" relationship

[rakram]

I have been following this website for some time now but this is the first time I have created an account. Sorry for the extremely long post. Here is my story:

 

I am male, 25. I have never been in a real relationship till now. I have never even kissed a girl till now. The reason for this is a mixture of my shyness and not finding the right single girl till now. This might sound strange but I rarely find a girl interesting. And on those rare occasions, my shyness comes in my way.

 

Few years ago I met a girl on FB 3 years younger to me, who lives in a different country, situated in a different continent. At that time we were just some random people who liked chatting with each other. But slowly in last one year it transformed into something special. The frequency of chats increased from few weeks/months to every day. We made plans of meeting each other but due to money and time issues we kept postponing it. But slowly we were getting so involved with each other that she even started calling me her boyfriend and we started planning future if we would like each other in real. She even bought a book about my country to understand more about my culture. She even sent me her naked photos (yes, multiple including face). I was initially not emotionally involved in her because I thought this feels unreal and weird. But since I never experienced a girl so in love with me and I liked chatting with her from begining, I got involved in her too.

 

Then this year finally we had the opportunity to meet in person because I was moving to same continent for higher studies. She was so excited about it that she even told about me to her family and friends. And convinced her brother, with whom she shares apartment, to let me live with them when I visit her. And we made grand plans about what we would do once we meet. But then due to visa issues I had to change my plans and there was a delay of couple of months. And since my classes were gonna start soon after I arrive, we had only 1 week instead of earlier planned 2 months to spend together. When I shared this news with her, she slowly lost interest in me. She is the kind of person who does not like staying single for long but for me she ignored all the other guys that came into her life in last one year. But after sharing this news with her, during the same period, she fell in love with a guy at work. But I am guessing she fell for her mainly because she was fed up of staying single for a year. Before going ahead with him, she told me about it so she didn't cheat on me even though we were not in a real relationship. But since she wanted to be fair to him, she canceled our meeting. But I had this feeling that she was not gonna be happy with this guy for long and she should have waited for me for a little longer. So I sent her few stupid long emails trying to convince her. Of course that didn't work out and she actually grew distant. But my fear turned into reality and he dumped her after using her for couple of months of sex. This is what I think because she stayed away from sex as she was waiting for me but this long wait was driving her crazy. She told me this on few occasions.

 

Once he broke up with her, I knew she would again fall for some stupid guy so I insisted that now we should go ahead with the meeting as planned. She was mentally not prepared for it but went ahead with it because she also wanted to meet me badly. Looking back I know this was my mistake of forcing her to go ahead with this meeting so soon after her BU. But for the

first time I really liked a girl so I wanted to meet her and see how it goes.

 

Before our meeting, she kept changing her mind every single day. On some days she would say this is gonna be a disaster. On other days she would convince me to meet her since I had already bought non-refundable ticket (after asking her 3-4 times). So finally I went to her city and we met. Before going there she had warned me that she didn't want me to hug her or kiss her until we both feel like it. I just wanted to get to know her better so I was fine with that. But at the airport when she saw me, she directly came and hugged me for about a minute. But it went downhill afterwards. She kept telling me that it was a mistake and she feels awkward and cant wait for the meeting to end. We were supposed spend 6 days together and this is what she told me on the first day. And since the tickets were super expensive I couldn't buy another one to go back on same day. So even after this conversation I was living with her for next 5 days. So I could never be my normal self and I felt like **** the whole time. I couldn't even eat a single meal properly because I just didn't feel like eating. I think she didn't try to understand what I was going through because she kept telling me that it doesn't matter what I do, its not gonna change anything and she still can't wait to for this meeting to end. So in the end I was so fed up with this that I stopped talking to her completely for last 1.5 days. Surprisingly she was the nicest to me during this period. Earlier I was showing co-dependent traits by agreeing with her on everything. But I was pissed so I didn't try to mend things with her when she was so nice to me.

 

After this meeting we both didn't think we would ever talk to each other again. She thought I am a dick and I thought she is a bitch. But after few weeks I understood that I was wrong in being mad at her because in either case she was still being a nice host and she was exactly as I had imagined her to be as a person. So I was feeling like **** every single day because for the first time I liked some girl so much, she liked me too, but I ****ed everything up and pissed her off so much that now the situation appeared beyond repair. But I felt I needed to apologize to her for my behavior. So I did. She was nice about it but kept reminding me about how she didn't like me at all. And although I knew that already, it was the last thing I wanted to hear from her at that moment. Because I was in a totally new country with different language and culture and no friends or family around and already felt so low that getting out of bed every morning was a big task. And she was one of the few people in my life whose opinion about me mattered to me. So I didn't want to hear how much she does not like me. But again, she didn't try to understand this and asked me to stop thinking about her and deal my issues on my own. On the other hand, she was going through depression last year and I stayed awake on a number of nights to make her feel better and cheer her up. And now that she was back to normal all thanks to me, she didn't want to help me at all or at least not make it worse for me.

 

So finally I stopped contacting her and went completely NC. Those couple of months were the hardest in my life so far because for the first time I had realized in last one year how awesome it can be to have a girl in my life but then I ruined it by acting co-dependent and then being a dick to her. And even normally I am shy and I wanted to get out of my shell which is why I decided to go to a completely different country to do my masters. But due to all that happened just before starting my masters, I was in the worst possible situation. Imagine putting someone who is already shy, introvert and not so good at making new friends quickly, into a totally different culture, different skin toned people who speak foreign language. And I didn't have a single family or friend present with me.

 

And I still can't get over her because she was the only girl I genuinely liked as a person. I don't blame her for being with the other guy because we were not actually in a relationship so we both had decided that we are free to go ahead in such situations. I just wanted to get to know her better. I didn't even think about having sex with her or hinted about it during the whole 6 days because first I wanted to make her comfortable around me. Although during earlier discussion we talked about having sex during first meeting. To be honest, sex was not as important to me once I met her because I actually liked her as a person and just wanted to understand her better. And I knew if we liked each other, obviously I can have all the sex I want with her. But after the way things have worked out, I curse myself every day for the mistakes I did. Even normally its pretty difficult for me to like a girl. And now finally when I thought I had found a girl I ruined it.

 

Couple of weeks ago, after 2 months of NC, out of the blue she contacted me again over a small thing related to my country which she bought, and that reminded her of me. I didn't know whether I should break NC or not. But I thought since she is being nice to me I should reply. So I did. We had a normal email conversation regarding this topic. But I thought she may want to discuss something more because it didn't make sense that she contacted me just to tell me something so stupid. But I thought she might be feeling apprehensive about it. So I wrote her an email about this but she didn't reply for almost a week. I was pissed because she could have written a one line reply just to be nice. Especially because I was nice enough to reply to her email which started this conversation. So I wrote another mail to her telling her how she has changed as a person and how she doesn't value me and my time.

 

She replied that she was busy with Christmas prep so didn't reply. And she doesn't find a need to share anything going on in her life with me. And she thinks I am not the person she thought I was because on one day I write nice things to her and on other I write such "crap". And for her this relationship is over. Although I never talked about relationship or meeting again. So I replied to her that I don't want to have any relationship with her, though a part of me still does. But the other part thinks that I won't be happy with such a girl who doesn't want to spend time in understanding me. Because she will anyway leave me for any small reason in future even if we get into a relationship.

 

So can you guys help me with what I can do to feel better? I don't feel better because I am not even surrounded by any good friends or family so its SO hard to stay positive. I have lost 10 kg in 3 months. I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. And its difficult to meet new girls here because I don't speak the language. I am going ahead with each day but I just don't find any way to feel happy. I am just longing for female companionship but I feel pessimistic about my chances in this area. I feel like with each passing day a tiny part of me is dying from inside and I am just existing, not living my life now

 

For those few who made it till here, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my story.