Am I making a mistake?

[monkey80]

I recently hooked up with a woman (known her at work for about 8 months). She is 40 years old and Polish and I am 33 and English. She is absolutely stunning but she kept telling me that she does not think she is because of her age. I know it's natural for a woman to feel this way but her age does not bother me in the slightest!

 

She is also a Catholic and I am non-religous (though I am open to the idea) - something that I know can be a serious stumbling block for a male/female relationship when based on religious beliefs.

 

The biggest kicker though is that she has been in a relationship for 18 years with her present boyfriend (also a Catholic I am assuming). I'll get more into that below, though.

 

On Wednesday we attended a work Christmas party, where we hooked up towards the end of it after a little bit of drunken flirtiness - we was not completely drunk, mind you, due to us both discussing it a little bit later on that we remembered everything we said and did that evening. We never quite took it to the next level due to someone else being around us in the lead up to having to go home via a taxi. All the while though she allowed me to caress her face, body, neck, legs and so on with some light kissing in between. She kept staring at me with a longing gaze everytime I said something or touched her in a way that was seemingly a big turn on for her, but kept pushing me away when the other person in the taxi with us (also another work colleague) turned to look at us and see what we were up to from time to time.

 

Eventually the taxi got her home and we went our seperate ways for the evening.

 

The next day she turned up late to work and immediately came to my desk to ask how I was feeling after the night before. I had a sudden surge of butterflies when I saw her again but it was difficult to find something nice to say with so many other work colleagues in the office at the same time. We briefly exchanged words and glances and then the whole day felt awkward to the point where I was finding it difficult to come over to her to speak to her about things because too many people were around that would easily put 2 and 2 together about us suddenly talking more than usual.

 

She left work that evening not saying anything to me, not even a goodbye..but then I think that was my fault for being quite distant during the day in order to keep peoples suspicions at bay. Perhaps she was doing the same?

 

The next day was spent with a better atmosphere than on the previous day, where we spoke a great deal more in the lead up to yet another Christmas party we attended again at work. My god she looked beautiful. The dress she was wearing was sensational and I was mesmerised by her glow the whole evening. I knew she wanted to see and speak to me again that evening and pick up where we left off from the other night.

 

We began the night having a couple of drinks before hitting the main party and we opened up a bit about what happened previously. This was a massive indicator that she was very interested in me due to her letting me know that she liked it when I touched her, but there was something beneath the surface still that was hard to understand until later into the evening when she opened up a lot more..

 

One thing led to another and we had quite a few drinks again and took to the dancefloor to have a bit of a dance. She had her hands all over me, as did I all over her, and everything just felt right at that moment in time. We both agreed that we needed to get away from everyone at the party that might be staring at us. I couldn't for the life of me come up with a suitable location for us to be together (we talked about a hotel - but it felt a bit sordid and wrong if we did that, and even even more so when you consider her religious beliefs) and so we just ended back in the office, where it was apparent at this point that she had a little bit too much to drink compared to me. A couple of hours went by where I just held her to keep her safe and she eventually sobered up somewhat to the point where we could discuss things properly and in more detail.

 

We spoke about her relationship and the fact that her boyfriend has become ordinary over the years and does not give her the affection and warmth she craves these days. I know this can be a big deal breaker for a woman but I suppose having the security blanket of living together is the only reason she keeps it going?

 

She kept saying to me that I know nothing about her, so how could I be so attached so soon. My only response was that this was the first time ever I had felt this way about anyone. Yes, when I have met other women and have been in relationships it was great and those first months felt like heaven a little bit, but this situation I am in now has me feeling far different than I have ever felt before about someone.

 

We sort of got to the point where she was resigning herself to the fact that we might not ever be able to be together because of all the complications in our own lives. This was a little disheartening to hear from her but I know that's not what she wants.

 

We left our work at about 4am in the morning (after sobering up) where I arranged a taxi for us to both get home. The journey was quite long and in the back of the taxi she pressed and layed against me whilst I was stroking her hair and face. I even got the driver to turn up the radio with a song that seemed quite fitting for our situation. She remarked that the song on the radio made her feel confused about everything again. Again she kept looking at me with her big gorgeous eyes. Her smell was fantastic and I did not want it to end. Really, I was in heaven at this point.

 

The taxi dropped her off and we hugged and said goodbye.

 

The weekend came and went and was one of the worst weekends of my life. I could not stop thinking about her, almost to the point of obsession. I've never obsessed over a woman like this before.

 

I went to work on Monday and this is where things got a bit out of hand. Colleagues and co-workers who were at the second party and saw our very public display of affection began to say things to her (I found this out from another girl I know at work). They mocked the situation a little bit and made her feel umcomfortable with all the gossiping.

 

Later in the day I sent her an e-mail with something she requested from me to complete one of her tasks. At the end of the e-mail I stupidly wrote in Polish, "I miss you. Coffee?". She e-mailed me back saying, "Could you re-send the email without the last two lines because I have to print it out as a back-up." She remarked that she was busy and perhaps one day, and then followed up by saying that, "remember we are just friends, people have started gossiping - that is wrong and I don’t like it. Sorry if I upset you with anything on Friday and thank you for booking a taxi to get home that night. Please delete the e-mail."

 

As I was typing out a response to her she came to my desk in my office with a print out of the document I sent over. I realised that she deliberately made a mistake on it to come and see me and saw her eagerness for me to immediately send over the e-mail again without the comments at the end. She seemed very worried and wanted my assurance that I was going to do as she requested. I did just that and also sent a follow-up e-mail to say I was sorry but the weekend was very difficult for me and that seeing her today and not being able to talk was very hard, too. I said the reason for requesting a coffee is so that we can see eachother away from work and get to know eachother without alcohol for a change.

 

She sent an e-mail back "It's okay. You are right, we'll meet for a coffee but it will have to be after Christmas. Sorry." Then finished the e-mail by asking me to delete it.

 

I responded again saying I am deleting all the e-mails as I know how it feels. Remarked a little bit more about the situation and how things are are, and she responded again with a cute smiley face.

 

Summing this up all seems quite weird. Yes nothing happened in the way you would expect it after 2 seperate encounters together, but part of it is down to the way I like to respect women, I suppose. And I guess the other thing would not be wanting to so readily snag away the security she has with her current boyfriend.

 

But I guess the point of this post is to say that I'm seriously confused and want to know if anyone can advise me on the best way forward. The last thing I want is to completely fall for this woman and have to see her almost every day and we'll never be able to do anything about it. But equally I love the way I feel around her and I know she feels the same but there are just so many obstacles in the way of her making a decision.

 

I suppose if she relented and agreed to meet for a coffee after Christmas this shows some willingness for her to either want to know me better or clarify what we both need to do to make things right.

 

Everything just feels completely backward right now but for some reason I know it feels right to be with this woman.

 

I know going after a woman that is in a relationship with someone else is not really the way to go, either. People would say that that, "how do you know she won't cheat on you too after getting into a relationship with you". They are right, I do not know. I do, however, believe that life can play out in so many different ways for all of us and, with this woman, I feel there is something there to suggest that all she wants is commitment, affection and stability. Pretty much everything she is lacking right now in her own life.

 

I really hope I have not blown it with this woman, but I also hope I'm not setting myself up for a big fall.

 

Is this situation a salvagable one?

[ExpatInItaly]

Step off. She has a boyfriend. Don't be that guy. Don't get into a mess you can't worm your way out of. And she's right - how can you become so attached so quickly? That isn't necessarily a sign of fate - it's lust. Unless and until she ends her relationship, it isn't going to work in your favour. Think about what she's doing to her boyfriend by playing footsie with you; and think about how she's playing with your feelings by doing so too. Find someone who will respect you more than that and who isn't already taken.

[PegNosePete]

"how do you know she won't cheat on you too after getting into a relationship with you"...

I feel there is something there to suggest that all she wants is commitment, affection and stability.

Eh. So the way to get commitment, affection and stability is to cheat on your boyfriend? Reallllly? And you believe this line? I have a bridge to sell you.

 

If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you. She has proven to you that she has low moral fibre. You would do well to walk away and find someone who is single.

[monkey80]

Ok so bit of an update of sorts.

 

I met her again on Monday (secret meeting away from work) to talk things out about where she and I stood in this situation. We came to the conclusion that we are deeply attracted to one another but she needs to give her boyfriend time to come around and get on board with their relationship again. Obviously an 18 year relationship is a quite a thing to be throwing away and I don't want to be the homewrecker type, either.

 

She is going away from tomorrow to see her family with her boyfriend for 8 days and won't be back into work until mid-Jan.

 

I have resigned myself to letting the chips fall where they may but I will find it difficult to avoid making my feelings known to her whilst at work if this strong attraction remains when she gets back.

 

I have told her I will step away and be friends, but I know if I meet someone else then this woman will probably slip through my grasp, too. Life can be so unfair when it comes to this stuff.

 

I now see one of 3 scenarios playing out (or a mixture of all).

 

1. She will go on this holiday to see family and friends and will tell them about me in confidence. Her family will disapprove and she will come back to completely cut off any chance of us getting together. Not a problem if that happens.

 

2. She sees her current boyfriends true colours even more and then comes back lusting after me. I may have lost that attraction to some degree and then I am in a situation that is completely at odds with where it is currently at.

 

3. She comes back and makes her feelings known to me and will look towards leaving her boyfriend in order for us to be together. Obviously the least likely but a possibility nonetheless.

 

I can be a little overanalytical about this stuff sometimes but this has been one of the roughest 2 weeks of my life after having met someone who I think is completely perfect for me. The fact she has barely cheated on her boyfriend and wants time to figure out if their relationship is worth salvaging is another reason why I long to be with her.

 

Clearly I want to be with her and I have been pretty much fending off attention of other women recently because of this, too. I just hope that, whatever happens, this has all been worth it and I can move on with my life.

[mammasita]

Did you even read the feedback you got? This woman cheated on someone she's been with for EIGHTEEN YEARS.

 

You're not special, she'll cheat on you too. Good luck with that.

[monkey80]

Can someone define their notion of cheating for me, then?

 

We got very close but we have not slept together. Just a deep sense of attraction that is still in a state of not being fulfilled (and likely never being fulfilled) until she sorts out her relationship with her boyfriend.

 

We spoke about whether I was the first she had ever come close to since her boyfriend and she was very up front that this had never happened before in the EIGHTEEN YEARS of being together. Also being very apologetic about her behaviour on the nights in question.

 

Things are not always black and white.

Edited January 1, 2014 by monkey80

[mortensorchid]

Don't do this. I mean really. It's an office relationship which is dangerous, and she as a boyfriend which she has had for the last 18 years and you can't seem to do these things without alcohol assisting. Get out while the getting is still good.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well 18 years is a long time to be in any kind of relationship so there is really something there.

 

 

I think she is tired of waiting on her current boyfriend to make her his wife and is looking for the door.

 

 

Let me tell you a story. I am not proud to say it but in a drunken fit I and one of my best friends girlfriends had sex. She wanted to do it again and I did not. I said look you're my best friends girlfriend I can't do that to him. So, she broke up with him right away. Being a loyal friend I could not knowingly soberly do that to him, ever.

 

 

I thought she would get back with him, they had been together a year and so forth.

 

 

In the end she stayed broken up with him because she really just wasn't that into him anymore. That I was there and a warm body to cushion her fall was all that was. Though for a time she would contact me to see what was up.

 

 

The bottom line. If she breaks up with this guy to be with you it will be messy and hard. There is also a real chance she'll break up with this guy anyway. 18 years in and no ring at 40 has to be a bitter disappointment. You can choose to wait and tell her you will try her if she breaks up with him, or you can pursue her and let her break up with him on her own time. Either way the hurt to the boyfriend is the same as if you cheated with her. Follow your own heart.