countryrider13 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 My teenage son really hasn't had a father figure in his life and I'm wondering if that has anything to do with is behaviors? My son is 13 and his real father hasn't been around that whole time. Then I was in a 6 yr relationship where my then bf never took him on as a step son, butted heads, and towards the end got verbal and said really imature things to him. When I was single things were ok, he enjoyed not having a man in my life, but time went on and I found someone again. I dated this guy for 1 1/2 years, he tried to befriend my son at first but was a tell it like it is kinda guy and was very blunt which came across rude a lot. My son never took to him. Things didn't work out, and again things were ok as I was single. Now I've truly found the love of my life, my current bf isn't overly trying to be on my son's "good side" just being sincere, and there for us and him as much as he can be. My son hasn't shown any signs that he doesn't like him, infact he said he's much better and nicer than my ex's. However my son doesn't really try to engage himself into any conversations while my bf is over. He's very quiet. My bf will ask him a question here or there to try and converse and he gets single word answers usually. Although there was one night we watched movies and my son interacted more then. My son also has little patients with his two younger siblings. (from my 6 yr relationship) He'd rather be alone, which I guess factors in with the age gap, my other two are 6 and 2 1/2. We're not pushing or putting pressure on my son to interact or be social like we'd want him to be. We just continue to include him in things, invite him, and talk with him about daily things, hoping he'd earn my bf's trust and get to know him better. Anyone have experience with a child that's being reserved? Any tips, or things I should do to help the process and my son feel more comfortable?
Keenly Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 My teenage son really hasn't had a father figure in his life and I'm wondering if that has anything to do with is behaviors? My son is 13 and his real father hasn't been around that whole time. Then I was in a 6 yr relationship where my then bf never took him on as a step son, butted heads, and towards the end got verbal and said really imature things to him. When I was single things were ok, he enjoyed not having a man in my life, but time went on and I found someone again. I dated this guy for 1 1/2 years, he tried to befriend my son at first but was a tell it like it is kinda guy and was very blunt which came across rude a lot. My son never took to him. Things didn't work out, and again things were ok as I was single. Now I've truly found the love of my life, my current bf isn't overly trying to be on my son's "good side" just being sincere, and there for us and him as much as he can be. My son hasn't shown any signs that he doesn't like him, infact he said he's much better and nicer than my ex's. However my son doesn't really try to engage himself into any conversations while my bf is over. He's very quiet. My bf will ask him a question here or there to try and converse and he gets single word answers usually. Although there was one night we watched movies and my son interacted more then. My son also has little patients with his two younger siblings. (from my 6 yr relationship) He'd rather be alone, which I guess factors in with the age gap, my other two are 6 and 2 1/2. We're not pushing or putting pressure on my son to interact or be social like we'd want him to be. We just continue to include him in things, invite him, and talk with him about daily things, hoping he'd earn my bf's trust and get to know him better. Anyone have experience with a child that's being reserved? Any tips, or things I should do to help the process and my son feel more comfortable? Good god. Your son is me. Exactly. My father was never around. I got to see him maybe 3 weeks a year if I was lucky. I went through a couple step fathers. All not good experiences. Ill knock out your points and questions one at a time to give you an idea about how he is feeling. "Then I was in a 6 yr relationship where my then bf never took him on as a step son, butted heads, and towards the end got verbal and said really imature things to him" It really sucks that this happened. This is going to turn him off to ever letting another grown adult male into his life again. This hurts, on so many levels. I really, REALLY hope that you stood up for him. and I mean RIGHT in that moment. My mother was either too timid or too drunk to stand up for me 80% of the time my stepfather would berate me and make me feel like garbage. I still love my mom, and I would do anything for her, but our social relationship is heavily damaged. As a mother, you need to understand that your son is your number one priority (as well as your other kids). If you have a man who starts disrespecting, insulting, berating, yelling at, or threatening your children, you need to leave him. Period. It really messes you up inside when you are treated like garbage from a step parent and your real parent chooses to be with them over protecting you. "When I was single things were ok, he enjoyed not having a man in my life," This is normal. He doesn't feel like he has to compete with another male for your attention. I only felt I had to do this during certain times. Like dinner. I literally had to compete for the attention of my mother to make me dinner at 11,12,13 years old because my step father wanted her all to himself. Do not let stuff like this happen. Establish healthy parent/child relationship boundaries, but do not ever put the happiness of your husband over the basic necessities of your kid. "I dated this guy for 1 1/2 years, he tried to befriend my son at first but was a tell it like it is kinda guy and was very blunt which came across rude a lot. My son never took to him. Things didn't work out" He has already seen a male figure come and go, so he was reluctant to let another one in. "came across as rude" means he WAS rude. Intentions mean little when compared to results. Your son was protecting himself by not letting him in. "Now I've truly found the love of my life, my current bf isn't overly trying to be on my son's "good side" just being sincere, and there for us and him as much as he can be. My son hasn't shown any signs that he doesn't like him, infact he said he's much better and nicer than my ex's.." It's good that your man is not trying to jump through hoops just to get to be friends with your son. This would have established an unrealistic precedent that it was how he was going to act all the time. If he acts like himself at all times, your son will know what to expect and how to respond accordingly. Your son not disliking him right away shows that he has empathy for you in that he wants you to be happy. Him saying he is better than the previous probably means he can see how happy that he makes you. A happy mom makes a happy kid. " However my son doesn't really try to engage himself into any conversations while my bf is over. He's very quiet. My bf will ask him a question here or there to try and converse and he gets single word answers usually. Although there was one night we watched movies and my son interacted more then" This is completely normal for both a boy and a teenager. He needs to be invited into this group of two in a more... friendly environment. Invite him to go do something he might actually like. Laser tag, a sporting event ( DO NOT DRINK ) something he is into. This will make it easier for him to open up, and when he does, it should be all good from there. You say you watched movies and he started talking. There you go, he must have enjoyed the movie. I know this will have a lot biased opinions personal to me, but I did go through almost the exact same thing your kid did, and this is what I can reflect on now. I hope it helps. 1
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