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New plan!

heylovey22

By heylovey22
in The Other Man / Woman

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heylovey22 Member

heylovey22

Posted
Posted (edited)

So, here's my new plan.

 

Enough drama, enough with worrying and being upset and all of that. I'm going to act like nothing's wrong, I'm going to be happy and fun like I always have been. I've come way too far this year to be back in this place... Time to be selfish and worry about my own happiness again.

 

I'm going to conceal any negative emotions. I'll write or go for a drive or hangout with friends. I'll work on myself, do things that make me feel good and I'll put my energy into things that matter more. But I will not put things unto him and this R if he's not going to give me more than breadcrumbs.

 

Things will fall into place somehow. He will figure it out or he won't and by then I will be okay because I'm living within a happier mindset regardless. Almost like "fake it til you make it".

 

I did this with my ex and got over it rather quickly. Here goes nothin'.

Edited by heylovey22
  • Like 7
Clay Established Member

Clay

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Good idea and sounds great on the outside view. It does great for a while but it all catches up to you later until you do end up taking time trying to deal with the issues.

 

I hope it works for you.

 

Clay

Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

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Fake it til you make it. Just don't set it aside and not deal with things or in the long run it'll be more harmful. Best to you and good luck!

chelsea2011 Established Member

chelsea2011

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Keep your chin up and focus on you. If you don't nobody else will either.

 

Good luck! I hope the "fake it until you make it" turns into not faking it because you're feeling good and don't have to anymore. See it and it will happen. :)

 

Chao

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

Posted
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Are you actually still seeing this man - sorry, I don't know our story.

 

Because if you are, any relationship where you feel you have to "conceal any negative emotion" in order to be happy is unhealthy, can't you see that? There's another way to be happy, one that doesn't involve turning you into a Stepford Mistress.... and that's to find the strength to leave and be with someone you can be yourself with.

 

What you're describing is not a show of strength. It's going to make you a shell.

  • Like 2
skywriter Established Member

skywriter

Posted
Posted

heylovey22,

 

I love your attitude and you are wise to humble yourself.

 

We have one life, and are not promised tomorrow.

 

Eventually the negativity , (you mentioned), will fade away.

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heylovey22 Member

heylovey22

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Are you actually still seeing this man - sorry, I don't know our story.

 

Because if you are, any relationship where you feel you have to "conceal any negative emotion" in order to be happy is unhealthy, can't you see that? There's another way to be happy, one that doesn't involve turning you into a Stepford Mistress.... and that's to find the strength to leave and be with someone you can be yourself with.

 

What you're describing is not a show of strength. It's going to make you a shell.

 

I barely talk to or see him anymore. It's not a shell, I'm still going to feel all these feelings but I'm taking it upon myself to be strong and get over it. Talking to him about it has obviously done nothing.

 

I feel stronger every day.

  • Like 1
Mascara Established Member

Mascara

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If you still consider yourself to be in a relationship, why can't you break it off? Why do you have to force yourself to grin and bear it?

 

I'm all for positive mental attitude, but you have to remove yourself from the situation first by telling him it's over.

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heylovey22 Member

heylovey22

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If you still consider yourself to be in a relationship, why can't you break it off? Why do you have to force yourself to grin and bear it?

 

I'm all for positive mental attitude, but you have to remove yourself from the situation first by telling him it's over.

 

I don't know. Its hard. I'm trying. I still find myself wanting the little bit I can get...

Clay Established Member

Clay

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I think there comes a time in your life when you set the tone to how things are and where you are going. This really sounds like this should be one of those times for you. I know its hard to get clarity especially as at this time of the year but when do you draw a line?

 

Clay

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

Posted
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But that's the problem. You're so grateful for the little you can get, and a new tactic will only keep you hopeful for a little while.

 

I've now read your background. You're not doing this to grow and move on from him. You're doing it as a coping mechanism for the breadcrumbs he throws your way.

 

And that's what's unhealthy. You need to somehow find the strength to tell him "f*** off until you can give me what I need". And THEN go ahead with your plan.

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heylovey22 Member

heylovey22

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But that's the problem. You're so grateful for the little you can get, and a new tactic will only keep you hopeful for a little while.

 

I've now read your background. You're not doing this to grow and move on from him. You're doing it as a coping mechanism for the breadcrumbs he throws your way.

 

And that's what's unhealthy. You need to somehow find the strength to tell him "f*** off until you can give me what I need". And THEN go ahead with your plan.

 

That's something I've thought about. I want to say "I think we should stop seeing each other until you find you can give me more than what you're giving.. Which is a whole lot of nothing right now." At least then I'm setting a bar.

 

What's your opinion on going out that way?

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

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That's fine as long as you don't get too emotional about it, and harden your heart to him trying to win you round. I get the feeling that he can easily win you over. Be firm, and keep your foot down. And then walk away. If he gives you a deadline for when he'll leave, say "cool, contact me when you do - IF I'm still available".

findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

Posted
Posted
That's something I've thought about. I want to say "I think we should stop seeing each other until you find you can give me more than what you're giving.. Which is a whole lot of nothing right now." At least then I'm setting a bar.

 

What's your opinion on going out that way?

 

You don't actually have to say anything to him for the A to be over. You know that, right? If you act like it is over, he will get the point. If you act like you will not accept any less than breadcrumbs, he will get the point. The key is how you act.

 

What you say is neither here nor there when there is no follow up. He knows he is giving you breadcrumbs and he knows he can't give you more. Furthermore he knows that you are not happy with the situation as is. His most comfortable option is for the situation to remain the same. His next comfortable situation may very well be no A. What is your preferred situation? What is your next preferable option?

  • Like 2
ElectricTangerine Established Member

ElectricTangerine

Posted
Posted
You don't actually have to say anything to him for the A to be over. You know that, right? If you act like it is over, he will get the point. If you act like you will not accept any less than breadcrumbs, he will get the point. The key is how you act.

 

What you say is neither here nor there when there is no follow up. He knows he is giving you breadcrumbs and he knows he can't give you more. Furthermore he knows that you are not happy with the situation as is. His most comfortable option is for the situation to remain the same. His next comfortable situation may very well be no A. What is your preferred situation? What is your next preferable option?

 

I would still tell him exactly what's bothering you and what needs to be fixed for you to be able to continue with the relationship. Honestly, with some people you just have to spell it out, otherwise they might not fully get it. That's always a possibility. It's always good practice to be clear about things and not assume the other person will see things exactly the same way as you. He should be aware, but you don't know what's in his head. Be clear so there aren't any misunderstandings.

findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

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I think it is a girl thing to talk about the state of affairs in a R. We like to talk things through. Sometimes all we need really is to be allowed to air our problems. But an A is not a normal R. Single APs must decide to face reality. You can't be sleeping with a MM and expect to have the kind of discussion you'd have in a regular R. What is it the MM doesn't know? Doesn't he know that this isn't a girl's dream situation? Doesn't he know that she most likely needs more time, more effort put into the R, more visibility and openness?

 

How many times in a normal R do women find themselves wondering whether they are still with the men they love or not? Why is that? Men rarely sit us down and tell us how they have finally concluded that the R is going no where. They kind of disappear gradually and one is left figuring it out for oneself. It isn't that men don't want to be honest. Most times it is a natural progression of the R. The couple grows apart. So in my view, when in an A the likelihood of this happening is 10 times higher and frankly one shouldn't be that surprised when it happens. Having a frank conversation when you aren't really clear yourself about what you want is hard for an MP.

 

So I like the new plan. The new plan seems to me the kind that any normal person should adopt when their significant other is being unclear. Even with a single partner who doesn't want to change, this plan works. Move on with your life. Act like you are happy and do things that make you happy. If he calls and you are busy, say so. Don't go changing your plans with your friends just so you can be available to a man (or woman). In an A, I think this plan is one way to break away in a real way rather than making pronouncements that are essentially ultimatums that you will not follow through with.

 

Talk to him some more? Heck no. It's a total waste of time, IMO.

  • Like 4
Snipercatt Established Member

Snipercatt

Posted
Posted

Telling him, once again, accomplishes nothing.

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