No where else to turn.. My story.

[radioguy11]

I'll try and keep my story short...

 

I'm gay, 22 was in a relationship with another gay guy, 21, for 4 years. I was his first boyfriend, sexual partner but he was not mine.

 

We were inseparable, in love, everything was great. We spent almost every day together and would call each other all the time.. We both worked hard and made good money and were pursuing school, but still made time to see each other almost every night. It was amazing for 4 years.

 

About two months ago, he said he needed a break to better himself and to spend more time with friends, family, and get his life in order.. Fine, we texted back and forth once in a while. Nothing big, just small things. I asked if we were going to be okay and he said he can't predict the future but he hoped, and said "I think so".

 

So, then he asked our mutual friend when a good time would be to get back together. This was about two weeks ago. Of course, she said she didn't know and it was his decision.

 

A few nights ago, I had a strong feeling that something was wrong, so had my sister check match (she had used it in the past) just to see if he was on there.. there you go, he was. So, I texted him and said I saw it and was really upset. I thought this break was to better himself. No, he then says he didn't tell me that.. he told me I shouldn't be checking up on him and that we're on a break.

 

So of course I texted him a few times and he didn't text back. I said the usual "you need to tell me what you want right now because this break is killing me" "why would you make a match account", blah blah blah.

 

I then received a text message the next morning saying he can't do this anymore and is not in the right place to be in a relationship. He said he needed to see what else was out there. I thought this was a break to better himself?

 

Cried hysterically for two days but am feeling okay now.. I guess. I read somewhere about Grass is Greener Syndrome.. Basically early twenties breaks LT relationship, does things out of the ordinary like goes out drinking and hangs out with his friends almost every night until 3am. Which is what he's doing.

 

I just don't know what to think of this and how someone could do this to me? I know I'm young, and so is he.. but I've gained 80 pounds during this relationship (my fault, got comfortable) and have no self confidence to put myself out there and get back on the horse. I wouldn't even think about dating right now.

 

Can someone please tell me what he could be thinking? I know it's hard to say, but I just need some kind of input on what I should do. I have nowhere to turn...

[LadyM]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know this will hurt to hear, but he is finished with the relationship. He has moved on. He is looking for your replacement. You're both so young and it seems he wants to explore other possibilities.

 

Your contacting him won't help matters because he will still do what he wants to do and you don't want to push him away even more. NC is, unfortunately, the best way to go.

[Simplysimon]

More bad news..

 

He had been thinking about is for sometime. He then decided it was time to move on . He had already gone through the emotional stuff when with you.

 

Unfortunately your done leaving you one option....Nc ,,,it will draw him back or he's gone for good..

 

Sorry

[radioguy11]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know this will hurt to hear, but he is finished with the relationship. He has moved on. He is looking for your replacement. You're both so young and it seems he wants to explore other possibilities.

 

Your contacting him won't help matters because he will still do what he wants to do and you don't want to push him away even more. NC is, unfortunately, the best way to go.

 

It's just hard to think he's completely moved on when he was SO attached to me.. Literally smothered me with love.. idk.. maybe you are right.

[radioguy11]

More bad news..

 

He had been thinking about is for sometime. He then decided it was time to move on . He had already gone through the emotional stuff when with you.

 

Unfortunately your done leaving you one option....Nc ,,,it will draw him back or he's gone for good..

 

Sorry

 

I keep trying to tell myself he is feeling the hurt i feel right now.. but you're probably right. He probably isn't hurting.

 

I guess you never know someone, no matter how much time you spend with them.

[radiodarcy]

You're situation reminds me of my first relationship. Although in my case - - the roles were reversed and he was my first sexual partner/relationship but I was not his.

 

But yes - - it pretty much ended the same way as yours, with him saying he needed to take time to sort things out; spend more time with family/friends etc. In due time he came back. But only temporarily.

 

Before long- - I allowed the relationship to be a revolving door; where he pretty much came and went as he pleased with no consideration for my time/feelings.

 

That revolving door lasted for 2.5 years until he finally dumped me. Please don't make the same mistake I made and - - as LadyM suggested - - go strict NC.

 

I think sometimes, when people invest so much of themselves in a relationship - - without learning how to make that time for themselves while still in the relationship -- they simply burn out.

 

And while it's certainly not your fault your ex couldn't manage his time and priorities more effectively, you are the one paying the price for it.

 

As unfair as it is, you are going to have to do the hard work of moving forward. It will take time but you'll get there. And by all means, keep posting here on LS, it really does help.

[radioguy11]

You're situation reminds me of my first relationship. Although in my case - - the roles were reversed and he was my first sexual partner/relationship but I was not his.

 

But yes - - it pretty much ended the same way as yours, with him saying he needed to take time to sort things out; spend more time with family/friends etc. In due time he came back. But only temporarily.

 

Before long- - I allowed the relationship to be a revolving door; where he pretty much came and went as he pleased with no consideration for my time/feelings.

 

That revolving door lasted for 2.5 years until he finally dumped me. Please don't make the same mistake I made and - - as LadyM suggested - - go strict NC.

 

I think sometimes, when people invest so much of themselves in a relationship - - without learning how to make that time for themselves while still in the relationship -- they simply burn out.

 

And while it's certainly not your fault your ex couldn't manage his time and priorities more effectively, you are the one paying the price for it.

 

As unfair as it is, you are going to have to do the hard work of moving forward. It will take time but you'll get there. And by all means, keep posting here on LS, it really does help.

 

 

Thank you so much. It means so much that you took your time to write to me about my situation.

 

I'm glad we can relate.

 

I would never, ever reach out to him again. In the back of my mind I keep hoping he will reach out to me, but is that healthy? I also think if he were to "come back" I'd tell him it would have to be for good. But could I trust him? One side of me says yes for the person he is. Then, one side of me says no because of what he's done.

 

Then I think it's because he's young and confused.

 

I don't know. I guess we will see. He is stubborn as he!! so I doubt he'd even initiate a conversation. I shouldn't even be thinking about a conversation...

[radiodarcy]

Thank you so much. It means so much that you took your time to write to me about my situation.

 

I'm glad we can relate.

 

I would never, ever reach out to him again. In the back of my mind I keep hoping he will reach out to me, but is that healthy? I also think if he were to "come back" I'd tell him it would have to be for good. But could I trust him? One side of me says yes for the person he is. Then, one side of me says no because of what he's done.

 

Then I think it's because he's young and confused.

 

I don't know. I guess we will see. He is stubborn as he!! so I doubt he'd even initiate a conversation. I shouldn't even be thinking about a conversation...

 

Of course! I'm happy to help and as I mentioned - - you're situation struck a chord with me. I am glad that you're not planning on reach out to him again.

 

Although, I think it's normal to have that hope that the dumper will reach out. But in reality - - it's probably better that that doesn't happen. After all -- look what happened in my case Also, it would be more of a mindf**k than anything else and keep the focus on him, as opposed to you and your healing/moving forward.

 

So, is it healthy to have that hope of reconciliation - - or at the very least - - the hope that we'll get some sort of acknowledgment from an ex? Yes. Because it's completely normal. We all have that hope.

 

But is it healthy to take them up on that? Probably not. At least not until they've done the same level of reflection they did in making the decision to leave the relationship in the first place.

 

As Simon said, chances are your ex was already thinking of leaving long before he actually did.

 

And as you said, he's young, confused and stubborn. And most likely wants to party, blow off steam, etc.

 

If and when (my ex was continuing to party well into his mid 30s) he does decide to settle down, there is no guarantee that that person will be you. So it's best for you to continue to move forward for your own sake and personal growth.

 

Something tells me that you are to going to come out much stronger from this break up than he will. Because you're taking the time to hurt and reflect now. And you seem to be much more stable than he is. If anything - - the relationship lasted as long as it did, because of the stability you gave him.

 

Once the party is over, he'll have to figure out how to get that on his own...

Edited December 24, 2013 by radiodarcy

[radioguy11]

Of course! I'm happy to help and as I mentioned - - you're situation struck a chord with me. I am glad that you're not planning on reach out to him again.

 

Although, I think it's normal to have that hope that the dumper will reach out. But in reality - - it's probably better that that doesn't happen. After all -- look what happened in my case Also, it would be more of a mindf**k than anything else and keep the focus on him, as opposed to you and your healing/moving forward.

 

So, is it healthy to have that hope of reconciliation - - or at the very least - - the hope that we'll get some sort of acknowledgment from an ex? Yes. Because it's completely normal. We all have that hope.

 

But is it healthy to take them up on that? Probably not. At least not until they've done the same level of reflection they did in making the decision to leave the relationship in the first place.

 

As Simon said, chances are your ex was already thinking of leaving long before he actually did.

 

And as you said, he's young, confused and stubborn. And most likely wants to party, blow off steam, etc.

 

If and when (my ex was continuing to party well into his mid 30s) he does decide to settle down, there is no guarantee that that person will be you. So it's best for you to continue to move forward for your own sake and personal growth.

 

Something tells me that you are to going to come out much stronger from this break up than he will. Because you're taking the time to hurt and reflect now. And you seem to be much more stable than he is. If anything - - the relationship lasted as long as it did, because of the stability you gave him.

 

Once the party is over, he'll have to figure out how to get that on his own...

 

 

Thank you so much for your input. You have no idea how much it means to me.. And to the other posters- thank you so much.

 

I do need to work on myself. I've gained all this weight and it's time for me to stop being codependant and to live for myself.

 

I can't think about a new relationship right now because I need to heal, and be happy with myself before I can get into another relationship.

 

The last thing you said made me smile. I can actually believe that I am stronger than him and will come out stronger, and he'll eventually have to reflect back and realize what he lost.

 

I know I'm young, but four years of my life spent with the same person almost everyday did mean something. There's hope for my future, but I'm still at the point where I'm thinking about him constantly. I've cut off looking at his twitter, instagram, etc. and I think that was a good move. I'm just scared of seeing him with someone else. Is that something I'll have to face? Can it be ignored?

[radiodarcy]

Thank you so much for your input. You have no idea how much it means to me.. And to the other posters- thank you so much.

 

I do need to work on myself. I've gained all this weight and it's time for me to stop being codependant and to live for myself.

 

I can't think about a new relationship right now because I need to heal, and be happy with myself before I can get into another relationship.

 

The last thing you said made me smile. I can actually believe that I am stronger than him and will come out stronger, and he'll eventually have to reflect back and realize what he lost.

 

I know I'm young, but four years of my life spent with the same person almost everyday did mean something. There's hope for my future, but I'm still at the point where I'm thinking about him constantly. I've cut off looking at his twitter, instagram, etc. and I think that was a good move. I'm just scared of seeing him with someone else. Is that something I'll have to face? Can it be ignored?

 

We're all here for you radioguy11!

 

I too am a co-dependent and am undergoing therapy so I can learn how to not be one. I used to think being that way was a good thing but it's not - - all it does is allow people to take advantage of me.

 

In a way it's good you are learning all this when you're young. I didn't get into that relationship until I was in my early 30's (I'm 37 now) and even though I'm over my ex. It's made me extremely reticent to get back into dating again.

 

But you're absolutely right, you need time to heal and get yourself back. That's key - - and yet another example of why you're more likely to come out of this stronger than him.

 

And you are absolutely right, one day he will regret letting you go. But by then it will be too late. I ran into my ex this past April. He now has a girlfriend with whom he has a year old baby; in addition to an ex wife he's suing to get custody of their son - - lots of drama going on in his life.

 

He tried staying in touch with me after that, I responded to be polite, but I left it there. I was having none of it. Stability with me, meant boredom.

 

So he went out and found his own excitement. Its his and his alone to deal with. I will no longer be the refuge from the storm he created. He is on his own.

 

It will take time for you to move on but yes, you will. I applaud you for cutting him out on social media. So many people do that and it just sets them back even worse than they were before.

 

I think sooner or later you will find out he is with someone else-- whether it's directly from him or from any mutual friends. Hopefully when you do, it will be after you've had time to heal. So you'll be in a better place to process it.

[radioguy11]

We're all here for you radioguy11!

 

I too am a co-dependent and am undergoing therapy so I can learn how to not be one. I used to think being that way was a good thing but it's not - - all it does is allow people to take advantage of me.

 

In a way it's good you are learning all this when you're young. I didn't get into that relationship until I was in my early 30's (I'm 37 now) and even though I'm over my ex. It's made me extremely reticent to get back into dating again.

 

But you're absolutely right, you need time to heal and get yourself back. That's key - - and yet another example of why you're more likely to come out of this stronger than him.

 

And you are absolutely right, one day he will regret letting you go. But by then it will be too late. I ran into my ex this past April. He now has a girlfriend with whom he has a year old baby; in addition to an ex wife he's suing to get custody of their son - - lots of drama going on in his life.

 

He tried staying in touch with me after that, I responded to be polite, but I left it there. I was having none of it. Stability with me, meant boredom.

 

So he went out and found his own excitement. Its his and his alone to deal with. I will no longer be the refuge from the storm he created. He is on his own.

 

It will take time for you to move on but yes, you will. I applaud you for cutting him out on social media. So many people do that and it just sets them back even worse than they were before.

 

I think sooner or later you will find out he is with someone else-- whether it's directly from him or from any mutual friends. Hopefully when you do, it will be after you've had time to heal. So you'll be in a better place to process it.

 

 

I'm sure I'll find something out at some point.. I feel like social media is horrible because they could pop up out of nowhere and all the feelings you have of the relationship, break up, etc. come back.

 

I can definitely live without social media. I just can't stop thinking about what he's thinking. Which SUCKS!!!

 

I'm really glad we relate.. It really feels good to know I'm not alone

[fixing]

So sorry to hear that mate Yeah, like others have said, ONLY thing you must do now is NO CONTACT. I know it hurts, but you gotta move on now and get back your self esteem and confidence.

You also need the mindset of 'He dropped me to date others? Well screw him! I will not be treated that way by anybody!

 

Good luck man. We all here for you son. You'll be ok.

 

Ps. Now would be a good time for you to go out and exercise and get back into great shape. Trust me, it works wonders for your self confidence and it helps so much with a break up.

[radioguy11]

So sorry to hear that mate Yeah, like others have said, ONLY thing you must do now is NO CONTACT. I know it hurts, but you gotta move on now and get back your self esteem and confidence.

You also need the mindset of 'He dropped me to date others? Well screw him! I will not be treated that way by anybody!

 

Good luck man. We all here for you son. You'll be ok.

 

Ps. Now would be a good time for you to go out and exercise and get back into great shape. Trust me, it works wonders for your self confidence and it helps so much with a break up.

 

Thank you so much. I have been hitting the gym and eating right lately because I want to be comfortable with myself..

 

It's just hard, you know? But it feels good to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

Thank you

[radioguy11]

Does anyone think it's weird of me to be understanding of him wanting to see what else is out there?

 

I want him to look and see what he lost.

 

It was inevitable for us to go on without him ever having any other partners, as I was his ONLY lover, ever. Am I making excuses for him? I'm thinking I wouldn't want to be with someone who hasn't seen what else is out there because I'd always have that thought in the back of my head that he'd want to go out and see what else is out there a long time down the road..

[radiodarcy]

Does anyone think it's weird of me to be understanding of him wanting to see what else is out there?

 

I want him to look and see what he lost.

 

It was inevitable for us to go on without him ever having any other partners, as I was his ONLY lover, ever. Am I making excuses for him? I'm thinking I wouldn't want to be with someone who hasn't seen what else is out there because I'd always have that thought in the back of my head that he'd want to go out and see what else is out there a long time down the road..

 

Hmm - - I wouldn't call it weird. But it certainly makes sense. I think most of us would find it difficult to let out exes go so they could date other people.

 

But you're right - - if they don't do that, they may not realize how good thy had it with us. I think the fear I would have is that my ex would find someone he feels he clicks better with

 

So I guess if you wanted him to see what else is out there, you may want to just proceed with the expectation that he's never coming back.

 

Besides, if and when you decide you're ready to date again, you may find someone else who's more compatible than you're ex was. He's not the only one who's entitled to see what else is out there...

[radioguy11]

Hmm - - I wouldn't call it weird. But it certainly makes sense. I think most of us would find it difficult to let out exes go so they could date other people.

 

But you're right - - if they don't do that, they may not realize how good thy had it with us. I think the fear I would have is that my ex would find someone he feels he clicks better with

 

So I guess if you wanted him to see what else is out there, you may want to just proceed with the expectation that he's never coming back.

 

Besides, if and when you decide you're ready to date again, you may find someone else who's more compatible than you're ex was. He's not the only one who's entitled to see what else is out there...

 

You're right.. I wouldn't want to go on with life with him as a couple knowing I'm his only partner, ever.. I guess it's good that this is happening now. I just can't shake that I want him to come back to me.

 

NC is working well, I guess. I haven't really cried just can't stop thinking about him every second.

[radiodarcy]

You're right.. I wouldn't want to go on with life with him as a couple knowing I'm his only partner, ever.. I guess it's good that this is happening now. I just can't shake that I want him to come back to me.

 

NC is working well, I guess. I haven't really cried just can't stop thinking about him every second.

 

That's understandable. You were together for four years so it's going to take time for your brain to catch up with the reality and let go of the daily routine you had together.

 

That's why break ups can be so painful, you really do feel as though you've literally lost a part of your physical being.

 

So you may continue to feel numb for the time being - - until your emotions start to take over.

 

That being said, I'm glad you've committed to NC. Now is a crucial time to implement it so you'll be in habit of doing it when those emotions do hit...

[radioguy11]

That's understandable. You were together for four years so it's going to take time for your brain to catch up with the reality and let go of the daily routine you had together.

 

That's why break ups can be so painful, you really do feel as though you've literally lost a part of your physical being.

 

So you may continue to feel numb for the time being - - until your emotions start to take over.

 

That being said, I'm glad you've committed to NC. Now is a crucial time to implement it so you'll be in habit of doing it when those emotions do hit...

 

Thanks RDarcy, you've been a great help.

 

I didn't know this would ever be so hard.

 

I'm enrolling in nursing school and changing career paths.

Maybe this is a good thing!

 

Still miss him, though. Blegh.

[CDubs464]

I am so sorry this is happening in your life right now. I too am dealing with an excrutiating break up from a 3 year relationship and heard a lot of similar things from my ex that you are saying here. It's only been 3 weeks for NC for me and him but I am starting to feel a wee bit better. My ex was also very attached to me and was looking else where at the same time. I had to tell myself that keeping in contact with him will only push him further into the arms of his new girl (who is also a child hood friend/former fling). We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them. Even though you both are young, it seems like you are much more emotionally mature then your former mate. Trust your desire for true intimacy and connection. If it is meant to be with your ex for the long haul, it will be. If not, it simply won't come back. But if you do NC, you will be able to continue moving forward. If or when your ex contacts you, you will either a) be a different person who is grown and developed and won't want him or b) will be a different person who is grown and developed and who DOES want him and then you get to fall in love all over again. However, he needs the space to grow. There is no choice but to allow this space. If you grow apart... it is super Sh*tty, yes... but at leas you'll have continued your momentum and can choose your next mate with all these lessons in your pocket. Good luck!

[radiodarcy]

Thanks RDarcy, you've been a great help.

 

I didn't know this would ever be so hard.

 

I'm enrolling in nursing school and changing career paths.

Maybe this is a good thing!

 

Still miss him, though. Blegh.

 

No problem Radioguy! I'm happy that my advice has helped

 

I think changing career paths is a great idea! As CDubs pointed out in her post, help you develop a healthier path so that you can use this break up as an opportunity to grow an change.

 

Of course you will still be hurting and it's important to your healing to acknowledge and feel the pain - - because, that's a process of bettering yourself as well. But at the same time, school will give you the opportunity to re-direct your focus so you're not as likely to dwell on the bad feelings either.

[radioguy11]

I am so sorry this is happening in your life right now. I too am dealing with an excrutiating break up from a 3 year relationship and heard a lot of similar things from my ex that you are saying here. It's only been 3 weeks for NC for me and him but I am starting to feel a wee bit better. My ex was also very attached to me and was looking else where at the same time. I had to tell myself that keeping in contact with him will only push him further into the arms of his new girl (who is also a child hood friend/former fling). We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them. Even though you both are young, it seems like you are much more emotionally mature then your former mate. Trust your desire for true intimacy and connection. If it is meant to be with your ex for the long haul, it will be. If not, it simply won't come back. But if you do NC, you will be able to continue moving forward. If or when your ex contacts you, you will either a) be a different person who is grown and developed and won't want him or b) will be a different person who is grown and developed and who DOES want him and then you get to fall in love all over again. However, he needs the space to grow. There is no choice but to allow this space. If you grow apart... it is super Sh*tty, yes... but at leas you'll have continued your momentum and can choose your next mate with all these lessons in your pocket. Good luck!

 

 

Thanks a lot. It means so much people come here to help people out. Your words are really helping. I'm sorry about your situation.

 

NC is working well. Every day does get easier, but every morning there's still hope of a text from him. I guess that will go away, but being his first love I'm thinking he will at least contact me at some point.

 

Everyone keeps telling me he'll come back to me, but I can't and am trying not to have that thought in my head. I need to focus on myself.

 

Thanks xx