mm373 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Hey guys, Just wanted to get advice from people that are going or went through a similar situation as mine. I am 25, my ex is 21. I have been close with her family through her brother since I moved to the USA 6 years ago. We started talking/flirting a few months before she went to college (She was going to the same college I was at), and we started dating as soon as she got there. She was always a very chill girl so we wouldn't go out a lot and we ended up spending a lot of time just the two of us. We were all about each other. I knew how close she was with her family and I got extremely close to them as well so after I was done with school I got a job near her hometown in the beginning of the summer. My job ended up being a disappointment which completely affected my mood so without realizing I stopped showing her love by hugging/kissing/cuddling/complimenting. This is something she had complained already in the past. However, I was so focused on fixing my professional life to stay in this area for her that I didn't really pay attention to giving her the attention she needed then. Throughout the summer She was talking a lot about moving with me after she graduates and getting married by 25. However, once again because I was so focused on fixing my professional life, I wasnt very excited about that idea. She moved back to school in September to finish her senior year, and she started living with a new roommate that loves partying and all that stuff. She was suffering a lot because she was away from me and she knew I was not happy at my job. She helped me find a very good job though some contacts so I would say near her hometown. She was super excited about the job that I would start after thanksgiving and would finally be stable again. However, out of nowehere, 1 week before thanksgiving she texts me "Are we still going to be best friends when we break up?".. Well that let to a text message break up.. She said she was in love with me and cared a lot about me but she needed some time to herself because she was very hurt I didnt show her love. I know she cried every day that week because she would call me. She came home for thanksgiving, we talked and we spent a lot of good time together. We went black friday shopping just the 2 of us and almost kissed that day. However, when she left to school again everything went downhill quick. She started saying I hurt her too much, I never loved her, I had 3 years to change and I didnt, that other guys treat her better in 1 hour than I did in 3 years, that she is hanging out with other guys, etc. In her mind right now, we had a terrible relationship for 3 years and she has been wanting to break up for a year. Following that, she started going out 4/5 nights a week and posting pictures with a guy from her class on facebook. I didnt take that too well. Now she is back home again for Xmas and she is telling me this isnt as easy for her as I think, that she just needs time to forget all the bad stuff, but that she will be back in May and we will see where we both are in our lives then. She says if its meant to be it will be, but she is moving on now, is talking to other people and that she wants me to do the same because she doesnt think she is the right girl for me. So its been 5 weeks since the break up. We have been in contact a lot. Mostly initiated by me, but sometimes by her. She has her ups and downs. The ups tend to happen when she is home, and the downs when she is with her roommate (I know she is being heavily influenced). I know all her friends tell her she is too young and that she needs to go out there and make mistakes. She tells me she just needs time but that she is talking to other people and we will see what will happen once she is back. I realize its kind of a long confusing story but any advices on if it would be possible to get her back now? We had lunch 2 days ago and everything was great, she even asked me to go to the pet store with her because she is getting a dog. I am suppose to spend Xmas at her house because her parents are like my second family and they want me there since my family doesnt live in the US. Also they really want us to be back together. She grew up very protected by her parents and then when she came to college she was with me from day 1. So I know she is loving the freedom and I know she is loving all the attention she is getting from all the guys now because she was craving that.
Author mm373 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Posted December 24, 2013 I just read the grass in greener post and I believe I got a lot of my answers.. Not sure there is any hope to get her back now.. The best way is to let her go enjoy her life during her last semester in college and see what happens once she gets back in 6 months.. I know she will be back here for sure and even tho I know she may end up dating someone soon it would be hard to last since she wont be there much longer.. Let me know your thoughts!
strive Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Hi I read your post in the GIGS thread and decided to answer here. I think the first thing you need to do is realize that you're putting your life on hold for the (very slim) chance that you'll get back together in May. In essence, she's making you her backup plan if she doesn't find anyone she likes more than you. (Most people would call this being a doormat.) But what will happen to you if she does? Where will that leave you? You'll be more broken hearted and you'd feel as if she strung you along. So I suggest you do what she wants you to do. Move on, start doing your own things WITHOUT her and DON'T wait until May. After all, like she said, it it's meant to be it will be.
Author mm373 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Thank you for your reply! I have accepted the fact that I need to move on and live my life! I know I will Have feelings for her for a while and I don't expect them to just disappear anytime soon. I know she is hurting a lot and she is second guessing herself. She is confused and want to enjoy her college life for a semester since we have been together from day 1. She will grow out of this phase eventually. She said she hates the idea of hurting me and apologized a lot for it. But Like you said, I will move on and meet new people. However, is it better to keep limited contact (like casual conversation once every few weeks) or no contact at all while she is college?
billyjotomas Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Thank you for your reply! I have accepted the fact that I need to move on and live my life! I know I will Have feelings for her for a while and I don't expect them to just disappear anytime soon. I know she is hurting a lot and she is second guessing herself. She is confused and want to enjoy her college life for a semester since we have been together from day 1. She will grow out of this phase eventually. She said she hates the idea of hurting me and apologized a lot for it. But Like you said, I will move on and meet new people. However, is it better to keep limited contact (like casual conversation once every few weeks) or no contact at all while she is college? To me the fact she has found someone so quickly leads me to believe she just didnt want to be with you. I know thats sound difficult, but surely if she loved you she wouldn't move on so quick...posting pics of her with guys or a particular guy for me personally is a tad insensitive.
Sparta Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 First all buddy I just read your last post and by the way she's not hurting because you're hurting. She don't give a **** she seeing you guys and she's happy at that college partying having fun not even thinking about you buddy so listen everyone here. The best thing you can do it (NC) no contact. Trust us we know if you do what is suggested of you, The pain won't be so bad. And you might end up with her again. But you need to look at the situation as if she's gone... Now you don't believe us keep doing what you're doing no see
strive Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 The fastest way (as everyone here in LS preaches) is to go NC until you feel nothing/indifferent towards her. LC will just create complications: she'll still be able to keep her hold on you, your time, and your emotions; she'll use you as an emotional tampon while she moves on while you're unable to; the moment you see her with her new bf will feel like a knife to the heart; etc. Some people will tell you that they got their exes back with NC. Their exes realize how horrible life was when they disappeared completely and want to get back together. DON'T hold on to that hope. That happens rarely, and when they do they never last long anyway. Instead, use NC to completely let her go. No texts, no social media, no stories from friends. Tbh, your post don't read like the typical breakup post here in LS where people are overly desperate to get their exes back or extremely angry at their exes. This suggest to me three things: 1 - you're over her/indifferent to the breakup 2 - she's giving you enough breadcrumbs (in fact entire loaves) and still do things together so you still feel like you're in a relationship like getting her dog 3 - you're in denial about the breakup If you're in number 1 (to the point where you can watch her make out with another guy and feel ok about it), then I suppose LC is okay. In fact it's okay to be friends! But if you're in 2 or 3 or don't actually know where you are, then NC could only be beneficial for you. Remember, NC is all about you so you can move on. Good luck!
Author mm373 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Not that it matters, but I actually found out she hasn't even kissed any other guys yet.. But I do agree the pictures were insensitive specially knowing it would be hurtful.. I will go no contact as everybody is suggesting.. It seems that every time I try she ends up contacting me after 3/4 days but I will start ignoring her and sticking with it as hard as it may be because it's not taking me anywhere to talk to her.. maybe that approach will allow me to heal quicker and at the same time allow her to start missing as she didn't have a chance to do that because she didn't lose me yet 1
Author mm373 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Strive, I'm definitely not over her and I definitely still want to be back with her because in my mind we can be a great couple together. So it will be hard to see her with anybody else.. But at the same time, I am starting to accept the fact that we are young (specially her) and it's better for her to live her life now and come back naturally to me one day (If it's meant to be) than try to force it and break up again in a few months. She hasn't experienced a lot so that would prob come back to hunt us sonner or later.. I will look for other people and we will see what happens in the future.. I'm not gonna wait for her but if it happens that we are both single in May, we will see what happens.. Can't force it right! I'm not sure if this is the right mindset but I believe I'm progressing! 1
strive Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 You're definitely in the right mindset! I think you'll be just fine.
Author mm373 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 I have my bad days days as well like everybody else.. Morning are always the worse As soon as I wake up, I don't know why.. But once I start meeting new people I assume it will be easier.. I don't go out to bars a lot because I moved to this city for her recently and I don't know a whole lot of people so just need to find a way to be social again
Author mm373 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Strive, Like I said before, I will go NC to allow myself to heal, work on the things I have to work on, and continue to enjoy my life. However, ultimately I would like to give this relationship another shot in the future if I don't find anybody else that I truly like until May. With that in mind, in a few months, if I have not found someone yet and if I am sure that I would be indifferent about the things she may be doing, should I try to slowly start contact with her again before she comes back? Or is this something that I should let her look for me since she dumped me and hurt me? I know this is not my main priority right now and it may never come to it if either one of us finds somebody else, but I figure I would ask since I'm thinking about that stuff right now. I guess both her and I are putting the other as a plan B (as of right now she is still my plan A but I know that's not realistic), not sure if that's the best scenario but only time will tell.
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