Should I break the affair or amend my marriage

[Clay]

Ramble all you need. We are here for you. I know this is hard for you but I think one thing you need to see is your are depending on T and your H to carry you through these hard times. I think you need to work on you to where you can still have friendships with people but not allow them to interfere with your current relationship. It really about being healthy and staying healthy even at the hardest times of our lives. Its good to build admiration for someone being there for you but I think we all to often get our feelings confused during these events.

 

I hope you did have a wonderful Christmas

 

Clay

[roseruhi]

Yes you are right I was relying on T and my H to get me through it.

to fill the void created. I cannot believe it took me 4 years to realize it.

but now that I know, it is a feeling of relief that I know what is wrong with me. I just need to figure out a plan to fix myself. It will not be easy I know but I have to try.

I did not even realize when did christmas came and went.

I spent christmas evening looking at mom's pics.

At 11:30 pm T called as he was sad being alone on christmas. I talked to him about music and computers and baseball till he slept, about 4 am. And then spent christmas day sleeping, reading books and reading letters from my mom and cried myself to sleep.

did not receive any gifts. Holidays make things worse.

I hope I pull myself out of this. I did wish my old friends a merry christmas and was glad that they all responded that they missed me and waiting for a response from me for ages.

and yeah... listening to the Stones and Deep Purple all the time. I think I want to buy a record player but do not know anything about it. Will spend time in finding that out.

I hope you all had a good christmas. I am very thankful to all of you.

[FrankieFrank]

but being with T makes me happy and being with my husband makes me feel safe. I know I sound like a bi***. I am sorry

Your husband deserves someone whom he could make happy and be made happy by whom. That is not you apparently, regardless of safety. IMO you should set him free so he can find someone like described.

[Clay]

Why can't you tell your husband and release him from your marriage? Why do you feel he would force you to not talk to T anymore?

 

I understand things are hard for you and its not going to be easy but I think if you told your husband and let him go it would be one less stressful thing you would have to deal with in the long run. The longer you put this off the more hurt he will be. Do you hate him really so much that you want him to wait and suffer longer?

 

It is clear you are not going to separate yourself from T. So do the right thing and leave your husband all together. Its like you said you are living in your own place and you are financially supporting yourself.

 

So there would be no stress on those two things.

 

Clay

[blue963]

I honestly dont think you should end your marriage or even tell him about the affair until you are more emotionally stable. These are large decisions and you aren't/can't be thinking clearly in this state of mind.

[Clay]

I honestly dont think you should end your marriage or even tell him about the affair until you are more emotionally stable. These are large decisions and you aren't/can't be thinking clearly in this state of mind.

 

Blue I get what you are saying but really how selfish is that? I mean honestly would you really just be ok with abusing someone else because you don't feel your ready to be honest? How many months should this be ok? Would you be ok if your Husband cheated on you and drug you along for months at a time?

 

This is where I think people make these things harder than they need to be. She does not live with her husband currently she is supported her self. Both of these things show she doing really well. She clearly is not ready to give up T. So if her Husband is out of the picture her and T can carry on with there relationship.

 

The best way to remove the stress is to remove things out of your life. Make you life easier to manage. Not to mention she does feel guilt for stringing her Husband along. If she tells him she can start to heal from that as well.

 

You as well as her can continue to do these things and honestly I am not really the person that should tell you what to do in your lives. I just sincerely hope you do take some of the things I say in consideration.

 

Clay

[veryhappy]

You are very depressed as a result of your mothers's death. You are blaming yourself for far too many things and have a distorted view of reality.

 

Your friends will still be your friends and it will be obvious to them that your grief caused the break in communication.

 

You are not strong enough to care for T. Period.

 

Your h may as well feel like a caretaker and want to be with you for fear something will happen to you. Set him free, he's been wondering for 10 months if you are well and what's going to happen. You are young and you should look for someone who makes the future exciting and you want as a father of your children. T is simply not suited right now.

[stillafool]

Thank you for replying Clay. I am so relieved to hear another person's perception

. I think I should tell my husband too but I have been reading for last 2 days non stop

and everywhere it is being said is that an affair is an

illusion , an addiction. What if this is that. Hence being

with T and letting go of my husband scares me.

What I really want is to remain friends with my husband after

the divorce coz I love him so much and move on with

T. I cannot stand being alone because after my mom's death, I tried to kill myself and I have worked a lot on myself since then to go away from that phase. I do not want to go through that again.

 

You more than likely cannot be friends with your ex after you divorce. First of all it isn't fair to him because he has to heal and get over you. He cannot do that and be your friend. If you need emotional support why don't you seek it from the guy you want to be with. You cannot have it both ways. It's time to grow up and take control of your own emotional well being.

[OldRover]

You more than likely cannot be friends with your ex after you divorce. First of all it isn't fair to him because he has to heal and get over you. He cannot do that and be your friend. If you need emotional support why don't you seek it from the guy you want to be with. You cannot have it both ways. It's time to grow up and take control of your own emotional well being.

 

Still,

 

Not sure about that... I know PLENTY of x H and W that are friends after the divorce. There may be some adjustment time, but certainly possible.

[stillafool]

Still,

 

Not sure about that... I know PLENTY of x H and W that are friends after the divorce. There may be some adjustment time, but certainly possible.

 

I agree that exes can be friends or at least cordial after divorce as I am friendly with my ex husband. In her case there is another person involved (an affair) and most ex spouses have a hard time getting over betrayal such as this. They may be able to be friends far down the road (who knows) but OP should leave him alone after the divorce for his healing. She can't have the other guy and her ex too. That's selfish.

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly, you better be prepared to be living by yourself. "T" can't because of his drinking problem and no doubt a host of other problems.

 

You talked about how great your husband is and yet you had no problem getting together with T and now that you relationship is in the dumper with him, your now turning to your husband who also has problems and now a bigger one once he find out that you were having sex with T.

 

I wouldn't count my chickens before their hatched. If you husband finds out about your affair, there are no guarantee's that he going to want you back. Your the one that changed after your mothers death and right now, you think that your husband worships the ground you walk on and will take you back in a heart beat.

 

From what I have read so far, hubby is your plan B and IMO if he has a brain, he should either tell you to take a flying leap or make you work your butt of to get back in to good grace with him.

 

Basically you screwed up royally and now that you OM is done, you finally realize that with a little work on both of your ends, life wasn't so bad. Good luck because your going to need it.

[beach]

Dealing with the loss and pain of your moms death is critical.

 

You need clarity... And to get grounded on your own.

 

It may be extremely useful to stay in the apt and work on yourself for a long while.

 

No men. Just you.

 

T needs to work on himself - you can't do that for him. I see you being very co dependent. It's very unhealthy for you.

 

Focus on bettering yourself before you resume with either guy.

 

You need time and effort facing your sadness and doing so e soul searching about why you're choosing destructive situations for your life.

 

I hope you will seek counseling. More than that I hope you realize you aren't the one to help the alcoholic. Stay away from any communication with him after telling him to get to detox and get long term help.

[blue963]

Clay....no I probably wasnt clear in what I meant. I did not mean that she should continue both relationships as they are. But when a person is in this frame of mind, they aren't making clear decisions. My point was that she needs to get help/therapy (whatever is needed) straighten herself out and then make the big decisions.

[Clay]

Clay....no I probably wasnt clear in what I meant. I did not mean that she should continue both relationships as they are. But when a person is in this frame of mind, they aren't making clear decisions. My point was that she needs to get help/therapy (whatever is needed) straighten herself out and then make the big decisions.

 

I do agree with you. It is sad she is in this position but I do hope she does tell her husband and gives him a chance to have the same level of happiness she has for her relationship with T.

 

Clay

[roseruhi]

All,

 

I cannot thank you enough for taking time and replying to me. I feel strong when I read the responses and gives me clarity. Yes I screwed up my life royally. I did not ask for it, and it happened. Now I have realized that and I want to do the right thing. The right thing may not be getting back with my husband or being with T. The right thing will be to be honest and truthful to myself and people I love.

 

I seeked counseling from a well known counselor. I had to pay a lot of money for it, so do not think I can continue with her, but I will like to. I told her everything, from my mom's death to what a mess I made with my life.

 

She listened to everything and told me that I have not dealt with the pain caused to me watching my mom die in that way. She is right. When she died, I did not shed a tear for days as I had to take care of my little brother and dad.

She also said that the fact I was not able to find solace in my husband is because I do not share an emotional connection with him. She also said that I use relationships as an addiction to run away from my problems. She told me I am addicted to T, because he has no relation to my mom and any history, and because we share a lot of common interests. She said that I am not thinking correctly, and I need to first find the reasons in myself, that why I was not able to connect with my husband and what is lacking.

If it is me, I will try to fix it. If it is both of us, I will want to do marriage counseling together. I agree I should come clean to him, but I feel weak. When we got separated 10 months back, I told him I want to see other people and asked him to do the same. Not even once I have given him hope that it will work between us, even though I wish it did, but I do not want to give him false hopes.

He worships me and tells me that I am great and I tell him that no I am not, and he will find out soon. I think he sort of knows, but is in denial. He wants to help me and make sure I am ok, and I want to maintain distance from him not because I like his company, but because I do not want to led him on until I figure out what I want. This is incredibly selfish of me I know, but I just feel very very weak. I am not strong enough to deal with his loss.

 

With T, I asked him to spend time with his ex GF and step daughter. He started doing it and he told me he misses that. That did shatter my heart but I knew this will happen. He says he does not know what will happen, as he has his problems. He has requested me to help me with his alcohol problems. He asked me to be his friend through this. I do not know what to do now. I want to help him, but if I help him, he will probably run away to his disturbed GF, who wont even let him talk to me , forget about being friends. Also, I do not want to lie to my husband, even though I do not know if I will be back with him.

In all scenarios, I see myself completely alone. I can be a great friend to T and help him with his alcoholism, and go through all that emotions with him only to lose him.

On the other hand, if I dont help him, I feel that I have not helped a friend who needed my help.

Right now, I am saying all this, and I do not have any "sexual or romantic" feelings for T. I just want him to be there in my life as he is a great friend and companion. If he fixes himself and finds the courage to be the man he wants to be for me, I will be very happy.

For my H, I feel immense love. But I feel very bad that why cannot I feel this way for him. He is such a great guy, and why am I falling for an alcoholic. What is wrong with me.

[beach]

As a recovered alcoholic (just for today - but have managed to string together almost 6 years) - you can help T.

 

He needs to admit to his problem with honesty and ask for help from those that have experience with help others stop drinking. I assure you - even when skilled - it's not an easy task to help with. Less than 3% recover long term and become happy about not drinking.

 

His problem is not yours to handle - you need to handle your problems.

 

Read co dependent no more - this may help you understand taking care of yourself and allowing others to handle what is theirs.

 

Do the hard work to find out how to be happy on your own. You have so much to sift through and face on your own. After you get to the other side of your issues - then make a decision when you know yourself better.

[roseruhi]

T tells me he wants to go back to his ex GF and it has broken my heart completely.

Here I was trying to find some help for him and worrying about not abandoning a friend

and he did it to me in a second. I feel so helpless and so incredibly hurt.the pain is unbearable. what do I do

[Clay]

I am sorry you are hurt. I know it must be hard but honestly this is for the best. You really need to take time out for you. You do need to let your husband go so he can go on and live his life too. It will be hard to do this on your own but trust me you will get through it. There is nothing wrong with taking time to check yourself. Its really something most men value a woman that is honest and knows what she wants in her life. So many people on these sites do not have that quality and this is your chance to get it back.

 

T might have been a good friend but your relationship to him was unhealthy and it would not have worked in the long run. You can not save other people. We all have tried and failed. You can only deal with you.

 

You have people here on this site you can talk to that will help you.

 

Clay

[A.Moscote]

...Right now, I am saying all this, and I do not have any "sexual or romantic" feelings for T...

2 minutes later: "...T tells me he wants to go back to his ex GF and it has broken my heart completely..."

 

No need to disguise it, you like T and probably would love him more than you love your H. Now he's not in any relationship make your move before he thinks you don't want him and go back to his ex-gf. Be together and help him.

 

Clay stated it rightly about your H. Don't peg him, tell the truth and step out. May be this will help reduce your hurt, pain and helpless.

[roseruhi]

Yes you are right I have feelings for T. But again right now I am crying over the loss of a friend, a companion. Someone who made me laugh. I know it is a fantasy I lived in, and it was foolish to think it may turn into something real, but I feel so lonely not having someone to share music and laughs with. Life seems so lonely. I do not miss the sex and the feeling of being in his arms, as that can be replaced, but getting a good companion to share your interests is a real treasure, and I have lost it. Just like I lost Mom.

 

Clay, you are right about the stuff you said about the honesty. I have made up my mind to tell everything to my husband, I gave the same advice to T for his GF but he wants to lie about it. That is his choice. I cannot live with myself if I did not tell everything. My only concern is, what should I tell him, that I was with T and nothing can work between us, or I made a huge mistake I want you back. Because even though you are right, it is his decision, he will want to know what I want to. And I still am figuring things out. I love him immensely, I am ready to do counselling, but I do not know if he can be that companion I need him to be. That is what is stopping me

[beach]

Yes you are right I have feelings for T. But again right now I am crying over the loss of a friend, a companion. Someone who made me laugh. I know it is a fantasy I lived in, and it was foolish to think it may turn into something real, but I feel so lonely not having someone to share music and laughs with. Life seems so lonely. I do not miss the sex and the feeling of being in his arms, as that can be replaced, but getting a good companion to share your interests is a real treasure, and I have lost it. Just like I lost Mom.

 

Clay, you are right about the stuff you said about the honesty. I have made up my mind to tell everything to my husband, I gave the same advice to T for his GF but he wants to lie about it. That is his choice. I cannot live with myself if I did not tell everything. My only concern is, what should I tell him, that I was with T and nothing can work between us, or I made a huge mistake I want you back. Because even though you are right, it is his decision, he will want to know what I want to. And I still am figuring things out. I love him immensely, I am ready to do counselling, but I do not know if he can be that companion I need him to be. That is what is stopping me

 

All the more reason to be on your own and figure out how to be happy before clinging on further to either unhealthy relationship.

[Clay]

I agree with beach. You are seriously not ready to be with anyone at this point. You still have strong feelings for T and going and telling your husband you want to fix your marriage is just asking for further complications. I would tell your husband about your affair and continue with counseling. If your husband still wants to try to fix the marriage then at least he knows and he can choose to support you through this but for you to ask him is wrong.

 

You really need to address the issues you have and deal with your feelings for T before you tell your husband you want to be with him again.

 

Clay

[Purepony]

My guess is the op needs a green card that's probably why shes confused... but the guy she cheated on her just wanted sex because he said theres no reality to the situation .. my guess is he had it all planned out

[Sunny_Girl]

My guess is the op needs a green card that's probably why shes confused... but the guy she cheated on her just wanted sex because he said theres no reality to the situation .. my guess is he had it all planned out

 

Ummm, where did the OP mention needing a green card....did I miss a posting?

[roseruhi]

I came clean with my husband two days ago, and it has been hell since then.

He is terribly hurt, like a lot. I feel so awful for doing this to him, but the biggest problem is I have not gotten over T. I know it wont work out with him, but I need to get over that first. We spent every day together since last 10 months, he practically moved in with me, and now I am suffering that loss.

 

Telling my husband everything may be the right thing to do, but it just feels like it was not the right time for some reason. I do not want to get back with T at all, but I want to definitely give sometime to grieve alone and figure things out. But now I think I have to spend energy into the heart break of my husband, which is the right thing to do, but it is just too hard. I deserve it I know, but its too painful. It is even harder because I work with T. He cries all the time too and tells me how much he loves me and will always love me. I understand what we had was not practical, but it is still a loss.

My husband on the other hand, wants me to be honest and asks me all sorts of uncomfortable details. I have been honest at all times. It was hard but I believed he needed it. What hurts him the most is that I loved T. He cannot get over that. He cannot trust me again, and cannot forgive me again. Thats what he feels right now. I hope that changes. he knows I love him immensely.

On the other hand, T wants to tell his GF but he wants to lie about some stuff and wants me to help him with the lies. He says that his GF is stupid and will not suspect. I still believe he should be honest and stop manipulating her.

I also find out that he lied to me about certain things. He cried last 10 months that his GF hates him and blah blah and that it is over between them. but I read the messages on his phone (I requested to do that not behind his back), and saw that she wanted to get back with him all along. I do not understand why will he lie to me about that. I know I betrayed my husband, but I feel betrayed too. Guess I deserved it. Such a funny thing.