Should I break the affair or amend my marriage

[roseruhi]

Hi,

 

I am 29 years old, married for last 3 years to my college sweet heart, with whom I have been in a relationship since 2004. He is the most amazing guy I can ever imagine and loves me to death. His entire life is me. We are very different people with different kind of upbringing, and that becomes an issue sometime between us. But there is this real bond between us and I just cannot imagine my life without him. He is my safety net. My mom passed away 4 years ago and I saw her taking her last breath. Since then I have become very different and cold and I hate myself, but he loves me, still inspite of that.

 

I moved with him to US from 2 years ago. I have no friends or relatives here, and the only people I talk to are my co-workers. I started talking to a guy (call him T) at work. He taught me and guided a lot regarding my work. He is 14 years older to me. We started talking about our other interests, like music, sports and he is amazing in everything and we share a lot. Every conversation with him is so intriguing, be it regarding music, sports, computers, politics.

We started chatting everyday and this continued for few weeks. He told me that he has a girl friend (call her B) for last 10 years. B also has a daughter who was 10 years old when she met T. T invited me to a concert with B, one day. I went to their house, and spend a weekend with them. I had tremendous time with them, and I left on saturday night. On sunday evening, T tells me that B confronted him telling him that he looked at me different and read all his chats and texts with me.

I had mildly flirted with T, and he infact had told me that he wanted to marry me and his mom will love me. He also told me that I am very beautiful and he finds me very attractive. B read all this and suspected that something was going on between us. When T told me this, I called up B immediately and apologized for disrespecting her and my behavior and told her that I will not repeat it.

After that, B demanded T to break up all conversations with me. Now, T is a very broken human being. He has alcohol problems which I later found out, because of abandonment issues from his family and friends. I have felt similarly after my mom died. I have never met anyone like him and the thought of losing a friend was killing me and him. Plus we did not do anything wrong. But B kept suspecting that we were having an affair when we were not.

I was having troubles in my marriage for past few years, and I had not realized it clearly until I met T. I had not had sex with my husband in a longtime and was not attracted him since my mom's death. With T I had this instant connection. He never stopped talking to me and we mainly talked about fixing things with his girl friend and me fixing things with my husband. But B left T, moved out of the house and took everything from the house with her, furniture, linen, utensils, glasses, including their 2 cats which T loved so much.

About the same time, I moved out of my husband's house to take some time off. I was fighting constantly and some time off would have helped us. I also told him that I have feelings for T, and I feel attracted to him.

After I moved out and lost touch with my husband, I met T one night outside of work and before we knew it, we were kissing. It was the best feeling I have had in years.

Thereafter we had sex. We went to getaways together, concerts, we also spend almost every day with each other as after work he will come and stay with me over night. Our sexual chemistry is just amazing. It has been almost 10 months this has been going on.

But there have been problems. T is an alcoholic. He is also completely alone as B left with his daughter. He has had no visitors or phone calls since she left 10 months ago. I am the only one he talks to. B still tries to contact him once in a while but he ignores her because he knows it will hurt me. I keep asking him what does he want from this relationship we have, and he says he does not know. He tells me that he likes me immensely but there is a reality to our situation and he does not know if he has it in him to give me what I need.

Now, each time I face my husband, I feel terrible like I want to kill myself. He is so amazing and loves me and being away from me is killing him, and I hate that I have cheated on him and it will kill him.

I am in that phase that I need to decide what to do. I want to come clean to my husband becuase I think he deserves it. I want to give my marriage another chance as I think he and me deserve it. But I love T so much. I love being with him and I care for him immensely. He is alone. And I just do not want to lose a friend, the only friend I have as I alienated myself completely after my mom's death with months not talking to anyone.

The thought of being away from T kills me, but the thought of living a life without my husband in it, I cannot imagine. He has been everything to me.

 

I really need some advice. Please help me. Right now I have not talked to T for last 24 hours and told him that we should slow down. My husband is returning from his overseas trip in a day. I do not want to live another day living this dual life. But right now I need help to think straight, as I am getting crazy thoughts of just running away from everything or just wander on a street and walk endlessly. Please help me.

[Clay]

I think you should tell your husband. It will probably end your marriage but it will help you move on with your life. It sounds like you really want to move on with the OM anyhow. This way you can end things with your husband and start a clean life with the OM.

 

Clay

[bentleychic]

I honestly think you need to leave your marriage AND T and find out who you truly are and what you truly want. You sound confused and searching and I hurt for you with that obvious feeling of being lost. I don't think you're going to find what you're searching for in someone else, though. You need to find it within yourself. Perhaps some individual counseling will help and THEN decide if you want to be in a relationship and, if so, with whom. I would strongly advice that an alcoholic is absolutely NOT the best choice.

 

Good luck!

[roseruhi]

Thank you for replying Clay. I am so relieved to hear another person's perception

. I think I should tell my husband too but I have been reading for last 2 days non stop

and everywhere it is being said is that an affair is an

illusion , an addiction. What if this is that. Hence being

with T and letting go of my husband scares me.

What I really want is to remain friends with my husband after

the divorce coz I love him so much and move on with

T. I cannot stand being alone because after my mom's death, I tried to kill myself and I have worked a lot on myself since then to go away from that phase. I do not want to go through that again.

[roseruhi]

Thanks bentleychic. I think your advice is very very helpful

. I am going to look for counselors right away. You are right I need to find what I want.

but if I leave both then how will I have any support in a new country witj lno friends and family. Also T will be completely alone then, and my husband will be destroyed.

[Clay]

I think you are going to have to come to terms with your husband is not going to want to be your friend once he finds out about your affair. Once you tell him your with someone else he is either going to leave you right away or beg you to stop and try to fix this marriage.

 

It sounds like you are ready to end this marriage so it is probably best you tell him that and not lead him along thinking there is some hope.

 

It is true most affairs do not work out. I know there are some people it does work out for but I can tell you when my xW cheated on me and we divorced she moved right in with the OM. Its been six years and while she says she is happy she looks worse than I have ever seen her. She is not even 100lbs. Her teeth look like she was on meth. She did not get the kids in the divorce and we do fight about things but its mostly over her borrowing money from me and how she treats the kids.

 

 

There are negatives on all sides of the affair. You are probably best to find someone that would offer more of a healthy relationship. This OM does not sound like he has things all worked out.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this but you have to be strong now and start fixing you.

 

Clay

[roseruhi]

Clay, thank you for replying.

I am sorry to hear about your wife cheating on you and I feel sorry

for her for not doing so well.

you are right things sometimes do not work out.

T is not ideal guy. He has his issues but he cares for me so much.

Drinking is a big problem but he has told me that he wants help for that and I think I can help him. But I know a relationship cannot be a project. I do not know if he can provide with the support I need to fix

my self. I need to see a professional for that.

I just feel so hurt and bad that it was all for nothing.

I hurt my husband so much. And now it is over between us.

and with T it is just so amazing. But it seems it may not be easy to

work out with him. it is all because of my stupidity and foolishness and selfishness and 3 good human lives are ruined coz of me

[OldRover]

Hi,

 

I am 29 years old, married for last 3 years to my college sweet heart, with whom I have been in a relationship since 2004. He is the most amazing guy I can ever imagine and loves me to death. His entire life is me. We are very different people with different kind of upbringing, and that becomes an issue sometime between us. But there is this real bond between us and I just cannot imagine my life without him. He is my safety net. My mom passed away 4 years ago and I saw her taking her last breath. Since then I have become very different and cold and I hate myself, but he loves me, still inspite of that.

 

I moved with him to US from 2 years ago. I have no friends or relatives here, and the only people I talk to are my co-workers. I started talking to a guy (call him T) at work. He taught me and guided a lot regarding my work. He is 14 years older to me. We started talking about our other interests, like music, sports and he is amazing in everything and we share a lot. Every conversation with him is so intriguing, be it regarding music, sports, computers, politics.

We started chatting everyday and this continued for few weeks. He told me that he has a girl friend (call her B) for last 10 years. B also has a daughter who was 10 years old when she met T. T invited me to a concert with B, one day. I went to their house, and spend a weekend with them. I had tremendous time with them, and I left on saturday night. On sunday evening, T tells me that B confronted him telling him that he looked at me different and read all his chats and texts with me.

I had mildly flirted with T, and he infact had told me that he wanted to marry me and his mom will love me. He also told me that I am very beautiful and he finds me very attractive. B read all this and suspected that something was going on between us. When T told me this, I called up B immediately and apologized for disrespecting her and my behavior and told her that I will not repeat it.

After that, B demanded T to break up all conversations with me. Now, T is a very broken human being. He has alcohol problems which I later found out, because of abandonment issues from his family and friends. I have felt similarly after my mom died. I have never met anyone like him and the thought of losing a friend was killing me and him. Plus we did not do anything wrong. But B kept suspecting that we were having an affair when we were not.

I was having troubles in my marriage for past few years, and I had not realized it clearly until I met T. I had not had sex with my husband in a longtime and was not attracted him since my mom's death. With T I had this instant connection. He never stopped talking to me and we mainly talked about fixing things with his girl friend and me fixing things with my husband. But B left T, moved out of the house and took everything from the house with her, furniture, linen, utensils, glasses, including their 2 cats which T loved so much.

About the same time, I moved out of my husband's house to take some time off. I was fighting constantly and some time off would have helped us. I also told him that I have feelings for T, and I feel attracted to him.

After I moved out and lost touch with my husband, I met T one night outside of work and before we knew it, we were kissing. It was the best feeling I have had in years.

Thereafter we had sex. We went to getaways together, concerts, we also spend almost every day with each other as after work he will come and stay with me over night. Our sexual chemistry is just amazing. It has been almost 10 months this has been going on.

But there have been problems. T is an alcoholic. He is also completely alone as B left with his daughter. He has had no visitors or phone calls since she left 10 months ago. I am the only one he talks to. B still tries to contact him once in a while but he ignores her because he knows it will hurt me. I keep asking him what does he want from this relationship we have, and he says he does not know. He tells me that he likes me immensely but there is a reality to our situation and he does not know if he has it in him to give me what I need.

Now, each time I face my husband, I feel terrible like I want to kill myself. He is so amazing and loves me and being away from me is killing him, and I hate that I have cheated on him and it will kill him.

I am in that phase that I need to decide what to do. I want to come clean to my husband becuase I think he deserves it. I want to give my marriage another chance as I think he and me deserve it. But I love T so much. I love being with him and I care for him immensely. He is alone. And I just do not want to lose a friend, the only friend I have as I alienated myself completely after my mom's death with months not talking to anyone.

The thought of being away from T kills me, but the thought of living a life without my husband in it, I cannot imagine. He has been everything to me.

 

I really need some advice. Please help me. Right now I have not talked to T for last 24 hours and told him that we should slow down. My husband is returning from his overseas trip in a day. I do not want to live another day living this dual life. But right now I need help to think straight, as I am getting crazy thoughts of just running away from everything or just wander on a street and walk endlessly. Please help me.

 

roseruhi,

 

I would ABSOLUTELY get rid of T, no matter how hard it is. Living with an alcoholic is about the worst it gets. It will tear you apart. Been there with a very close relative, and it was hell, and unless you can convince them to stop (which is NOT the norm), it will absolutely ruin everything.

 

That said, sounds like you may still have some feelings to make it work with your husband, and I'd sure lean that way. Work hard at it and make it work... and if it doesn't, you can leave and start over.....

 

BUT AGAIN.... ABSOLUTELY GET RID OF AN ALCOHOLIC! PERIOD!

[blue963]

Honestly, I think you are looking at depression. When you lose a loved one in this manner it changes everything in your life. You look at everything and everyone differently. It takes time to come to terms.

[roseruhi]

Hi oldrover.

 

thank you for your insight. I have no idea what kind of problems alcohol causes. I come from a

family and culture where no one has even tasted alcohol.

It was never brought into the house.

The first time I had alcohol was when T took me to a bar and I was 28 years old. He has told me that he knows he is broken

and wants to be helped a lot.

if I left him he will be a complete mess and start drinking even more.

[roseruhi]

Hi blue963,

I am still hurting from my mom leaving me in that way.

I never had time to fully grieve as I had to take care of my little brother and dad. So when I fell for T I sort of thought I deserve the

happiness he brought in my life as I had not smiled like that in a long time. I know it was wrong. My mom would have been ashamed of me today if she would have been alive. I miss her so much.

I think I should seek professional help as its been 4 yrs and I miss her everyday. Time is I guess a very slow healer.

 

but being with T makes me happy and being with my husband makes me feel safe. I know I sound like a bi***. I am sorry

[blue963]

Dont judge yourself that way. I am not. I have had a similar experience and know that is very very hard, especially if you are caring for other people at the time. You are not a Bx*&^%. in any way. You were looking for something to get you to feel different. That is why you went to T. He was someone new, different habits, etc. Dont beat yourself up over this. As far as your mother being disappointed in you, once they have left this world they have far better understanding and unconditional love. She also knows the pain you are in missing her.

[roseruhi]

Thanks for your support blue963.

Thank you so much for saying those words.

[Clay]

How is your financial situation? Would you be ok moving out on your own? Can you afford to get counceling? I would agree about not going with T. Alcoholism is something you really don't want in your life right now. I know it would be hard to walk away with how you already feel for him but he will drag you down with him and you will fail.

 

I hope you can see how bad this would be for you.

 

Clay

[jinandjuice]

Why would you want to do anything with an alcoholic? Dump T and go back to your husband. Your husband has been there through thick and thin. He is your Clyde. Why would you risk all of that for "T" who seems like is a dead end.

[roseruhi]

Hi Clay,

 

I am doing ok financially. I do not know how much counseling will cost. I have not looked into that yet. Do you have any idea?

T says that he wants to be helped for his drinking habit and does not want to do it anymore. He has admitted that he is damaged and wants to be fixed.

I know what you are saying. I know somewhere in my mind that he is not the right one, but it just feels so amazing being with him. He puts smiles on my face when there was none for so long. I hope I find what I want. I do not like living this way.

[roseruhi]

Hi jinandjuice,

 

You are right, my husband has been my Clyde. He was been through with me, and that is why I am very confused, inspite of all this, why do not I feel this way for him. This was even before when I even knew T, I loved him deeply, but the love was kind of love you have for your family. Not, couple love or romantic love.

We never had any fun together. With T, I have felt the kind of happiness which I did not know I could. It is so much fun, each moment.

We had our rough times too, and T and me made through it so well, that it was not possible with my husband. With my husband, we will fight and be nasty to each other.

But yes, his alcohol is a big problem. I do not know the realities of alcoholism yet, but he says he wants to be helped. So I am taking his word for it.

 

I do not know what to do here. I feel terrible, really terrible to what I did to my husband. He does not deserve someone like me. He is a very good person.

[Clay]

I understand this is really a difficult time for you but once you start to clear things away the real problems will be more clearer for you to see.

 

I would tell your husband and I would move out on your own. I would seek counseling as soon as possible. You are going to need someone to help you sort through the things and the changes in you.

 

I would still warn against trying to save T. Another thing you need to keep in mind your feelings are very clouded right now and while you feel your in love with T you might actually find you still in love with your H too.

 

Being away from them both will help you see things more clearly.

 

You need to take this time out for you or your not only going to wreck your own life you going to wreck everyone elses.

 

Clay

[roseruhi]

Clay,

 

Thank you for your advice. I did move out 10 months ago, when I separated from my husband. I could not have gone out with T, if I would not have done it. I cannot be that devious and I cannot cheat on my husband living under the same roof. I live in an apartment by myself. T visits me often, but I hardly see my husband. He wants to see me all the time, but I cannot face me and I hate lying to him so I avoid seeing him. I was not planning on going out with T when I got separated with my husband. It just happened.

You are correct. I may still be in love with my husband. But my thinking process is clouded. I need to take a break from everything and figure out what I want.

Do you think I should still tell my husband everything as soon as possible? Or should I wait to figure things out first?

[Clay]

Well sadly its a bad spot. If you wait you will continue to feel more and more guilty and one day he might figure it out on his own and if he does it will be more difficult to deal with.

 

T being in the picture is honestly clouding your judgement and if you really think about this how can you be true to one man when you are not able to be true to yourself right now.

 

Your going to have to be stronger and start sorting the things out so you can see what you really want.

 

I personally would tell your husband so he can decide if he wants to move on with his life. It sounds like you have him hanging in the door way until you are read what you want to do and I think that is wrong. If you tell him and be honest to him you might feel bad and it will hurt but It will be on the right path to taking care of you.

 

Clay

[curiousGeorge2]

if you have no kids, why not consider getting a divorce? You stated you never had fun with hubby, which is not a good indication of a good marriage.

[OldRover]

I understand this is really a difficult time for you but once you start to clear things away the real problems will be more clearer for you to see.

 

I would tell your husband and I would move out on your own. I would seek counseling as soon as possible. You are going to need someone to help you sort through the things and the changes in you.

 

I would still warn against trying to save T. Another thing you need to keep in mind your feelings are very clouded right now and while you feel your in love with T you might actually find you still in love with your H too.

 

Being away from them both will help you see things more clearly.

 

You need to take this time out for you or your not only going to wreck your own life you going to wreck everyone elses.

 

Clay

 

You are giving roseruhi good advice. I'd be against saving T at this time... perhaps later, but long after the alcohol has been solved, which is by far, his biggest negative. If you've not faced and alcoholic and tried to help them, you could be in for a huge surprise.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to be alone and ON your own without ANY man to rely on. I am so sorry for your loss, losing your mom certainly has changed you but now this IS your life. You are in control here and if you need help to fix you, then do it. Seek counseling and/or grief counseling asap. You've made some bad decisions, getting involved with someone who already is with someone else, and they are a family, even if the child is his step child, they are a family unit. And, T is not good for you in the long run. You feel a lot for him, in an affair setting but out in the real world, real life, T is messed up and NOT someone you want as a life long partner.

 

Fix "you", be on your own, then if you feel like you still love your husband and want to see if he will forgive you and allow you the chance to make your marriage work, go from there. If not, you've grown and learned some painful lessons.

 

I do think you owe your husband the truth.

[roseruhi]

Thank you all for your advice. After reading all the your responses,

I tried to make some changes in my life .

I talked to T and decided to be just friends for sometime.

I also encouraged him to spend time with the step daughter

and ex gf if possible. To see if there is any hope there.

It was vv painful but I think he needs it. I dont want him to spend another christmas alone when I do not know what I want. I am also trying to convince him to go for counseling. But I really do love him immensely as a human being. He is a great guy with issues.

I started talking to my husband again, but I did not come clean with him yet as he will then ask me to cut all communication with T,

And I cannot abandon T in this situation till I know he will be ok.

I just cant do it. I care for him deeply.

not telling my husband is wrong but I care about T a lot.

I am trying to find counselers for me. I need to fix myself as definitely I am not normal. I will continue to make bad decisions till I dont find why I am doing what I am doing. I hope I am doing the right thing now.

[roseruhi]

It is just so hard to let go something which made you happy in so long. Letting go T is making me very very sad. I am thinking of my husband, and clearly we have problems, else I wont be with T. I do not think those problems can be fixed, but I do love him a lot. Sometimes love is just not enough.

What I really miss is a friend. I alienated all when mom died and in this new country I really do not know how to make new friends, especially when I am still so vulnerable. I thought I was over mom's death, as I had reduced my crying all day to just in nights, but I am not.

 

I read all her letters yesterday, and I realized that yes that really is the underlying problem.

I feel bad for my husband and T and B, as there lives were destroyed because they know me. I had never wished my life will turn out like this. I was a straight A's student. Was ranked under 10th in my whole country in my final school exam. Got the best college, best branch, best job. My mom was so proud. And look at me today, just messing my life and everyone else's.

I am sorry for rambling, but just needed an outlet, now that I am all alone.