what does he mean?

[fifipheebs]

friend said this to me

 

"you dont have to give me sad puppy eyes or hold something against me to make me help you out. you know i dont and wont say no to you"

 

what does he mean? we've been vascillating back and forth with MAJOR mixed signals for a while now. I dont want to jump the gun and assume he's into me more than just a bud, but sometimes i wonder then he says something that makes me back off. dont ask me to ask him cuz i'm too insecure and shy to do that. but do y'all think this is sorta hopeful?

[ShyGuy5]

You answered your own question. You can sit in the friend zone and be good your whole life, but if you want great then you are going to have to take a chance. It is going to take courage, and that is by no means as easy, but you can do it. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. Wouldn't it be a shame if you both wanted each other, but because both of you were too stubborn to make the first move nothing happened.

[GemmaUK]

Sweet thing to say!

 

I think he has attempted to indicate he likes you in the past and several times too but that you haven't understood properly and thought of it as just a comment from a friend (so you have downgraded it - so to speak).

If he then says things that imply you should back off it's due to his frustration that you're not getting that he likes you more than you believe.

 

Has he ever asked you out or for coffee or anything?

[fifipheebs]

Sweet thing to say!

 

I think he has attempted to indicate he likes you in the past and several times too but that you haven't understood properly and thought of it as just a comment from a friend (so you have downgraded it - so to speak).

If he then says things that imply you should back off it's due to his frustration that you're not getting that he likes you more than you believe.

 

Has he ever asked you out or for coffee or anything?

 

@gemmauk are you psychic?? You nailed it. He has I guess looking back now has tried to indicate his interest. But as he is a bit of a lady's man, i did not allow myself to read much into it.

He has suggested going round to the cinema and I've always said yes, however those cinema nights never came to fruition. :-(

 

I'm now left with questions of "does he or doesn't he?"

 

He's relegated to calling me familial terms now (endearing? Sure if I didn't fancy him) and pointing out obvious opposites of what I am to his "ideal woman".

 

What suppose is going on? Do we stand a chance?

[GemmaUK]

No, not psychic!

 

...I would think it all depends on whether and how much you like him?

 

You say he is a ladies man type?

Something to think about is whether his aims in finding out whether he 'likes you' or whether he wants a notch on his bedpost so to speak.

 

Think about how he generally behaves with women and with yourself and you might get an idea if he is sincere or not. Kinda sounds to me like you would be after a boyfriend rather than just something a bit too casual.

There is no harm in a cinema trip or something like that in order to find out - you will soon enough find out his intentions - but don't forget to set your own boundaries and stick with them before and during the outing.

 

Sounds like all you would need to do is mention a movie you have seen a trailer for and casually mention you might go see it in the next week or two (give a deadline - then he has a deadline to go by).

If he doesn't step up and ask within a few days and set a time to go then you plan to go see it anyway - so do go and see it - that way the intention to see the film that you mentioned to him was just an intention to go and see it.....without it sounding like you were asking him.

 

Give it a try. Make it a film he would enjoy as well though!

[fifipheebs]

No, not psychic!

 

...I would think it all depends on whether and how much you like him?

 

You say he is a ladies man type?

Something to think about is whether his aims in finding out whether he 'likes you' or whether he wants a notch on his bedpost so to speak.

 

Think about how he generally behaves with women and with yourself and you might get an idea if he is sincere or not. Kinda sounds to me like you would be after a boyfriend rather than just something a bit too casual.

There is no harm in a cinema trip or something like that in order to find out - you will soon enough find out his intentions - but don't forget to set your own boundaries and stick with them before and during the outing.

 

Sounds like all you would need to do is mention a movie you have seen a trailer for and casually mention you might go see it in the next week or two (give a deadline - then he has a deadline to go by).

If he doesn't step up and ask within a few days and set a time to go then you plan to go see it anyway - so do go and see it - that way the intention to see the film that you mentioned to him was just an intention to go and see it.....without it sounding like you were asking him.

 

Give it a try. Make it a film he would enjoy as well though!

 

That is what I'm afraid of -being a notch on bedpost.

 

He was the one who mentioned the flicks in the past and he never made it happen. He does rarely turn down an invitation of mine to any outing.

Feels like as soon as he feels we are getting too close, he gets spooked and backs away and keeps me at arms length. Sometimes the things he says hurts me but I cannot fault him 100 as he may not be aware of my feelings for him.

He gets defensive when I throw the meanness back.

 

I don't want a fling and I don't he does either but I'm curious if he's waiting for his ideal fantasy women to appear. I feel like I may have most of it except I am not a Victoria secret model and that's what he wants.

[GemmaUK]

That is what I'm afraid of -being a notch on bedpost.

 

He was the one who mentioned the flicks in the past and he never made it happen. He does rarely turn down an invitation of mine to any outing.

Feels like as soon as he feels we are getting too close, he gets spooked and backs away and keeps me at arms length. Sometimes the things he says hurts me but I cannot fault him 100 as he may not be aware of my feelings for him.

He gets defensive when I throw the meanness back.

 

I don't want a fling and I don't he does either but I'm curious if he's waiting for his ideal fantasy women to appear. I feel like I may have most of it except I am not a Victoria secret model and that's what he wants.

 

Right...OK.

 

So..try what I've suggested..or you could even try mentioning a new restaurant in town that you have heard is good and that you would like to go there as they have 'x' on the menu at the moment (or even a deal on where you get a course free or something)..again..something with a deadline to it if you can.

 

From what you have said he is pretty keen on you...quite a lot keen I think.

The only way that you will know though whether you are to be a notch or a gf is to get to the going out point but without you being the one to ask.

 

The initiator of a coffee/cinema/meal dating wise is the one who is more likely to initiate anything else happening - eg a kiss even or opening up a bit and saying they like you.

 

Are you perhaps making it too easy for him to see you often in that you invite him out but you are not going to initiate (I wouldn't either for the record - though I will say that I like someone if I do and they tell me they like me in that way). He thinks something might therefore happen if you have invited him..and then nothing does and so he will rebuff you and say something mean..cos he was hoping something would happen..

Think about that ^^^ bit. Is it going in cycles?

 

 

Him getting spooked...

He needs something from you to know that you have some interest.

Actions don't always get understood as much as words.

 

Give it a little while (a few weeks max before you throw in teh you want to go to 'xyz' place.

In the meantime act as normal - if you want to invite him to do anything then do..and do totally as you have been.

Next time he says something mean, instead of saying something mean back tell him that you wouldn't invite him places and want to spend time with him if you didn't like him. (cos we as humans don't - not if we don't like someone at all - well not unless we absolutely have to!).

See what he says and how he reacts to what you have said.

If he doesn't react or says something mean to you - say something mean back - this appears to be what you are doing now so it won't be any different.

 

Somewhere within the time of you inviting him out then this is where you remark about whatever place to go by whatever deadline.

He can step up and ask you for a change. If he doesn't then you go along with other friends.

 

You need though to get to the you and he out together alone time - that is where you will get more idea if you are to be a notch or something more serious.

I think though that he gets spooked because he does like you and he is giving it all and has done and that is scary for anyone - you gotta give him something back and be brave.

If you do get to the going out bit and he then asks you back to his for 'coffee'..then you say no thanks to that and that you have had a great time and ask him to call you...with a smile.

He has to be a gentleman and treat you well and you are settign that boundary right there and then.

 

There is the chance he has you on a list of ladies who are hard to get.

I'm blunt..sorry!

If you set that boundary ^^^ above though you will see he will get bored of trying if he gets nowhere.

 

But...you do have to give him an idea you are interested too - he has and it sounds like he has for a long time to be honest.

 

There's a big 'if' here too.

'If' you overstep those boundaries you have set then you will never know if you were a notch or something more. If you are something more..well..he has tried and waited this long..a little more waiting and effort..it's nothing in the scheme of things.

 

You ask any man - what was your favourite toy/ball game.

It'll be the one that was hardest won.

The toy they collected their pocket money for and went to the shop and gazed at.

The ball game will be the one when their team was down and game after game managed to get up to a new league.

 

Above I put the 'if' comment.

If..his parents had bought the toy unexpectedly for him...nah..it wouldn't have been so prized to him.

If..his team were already in that league and just moved up a step or to the top..nah! Not as great as the work involved in moving up a league.

 

That's why you need to stick to your boundaries..and that is why they call it 'giving yourself on a plate' Don't give yourself on a plate. Plus, he has possibly had too many ladies do that before - it gets boring when you have the same meal every day even if it is great - you don't want it all the time - you want something different.

But you can let him know that you like him too - cos he already has to you.

 

One last thing...you two clearly have friendship - no question of that.

Emotional bonds are/can be tough for men to find and to feel comfortable with.

You have the edge on that and you are not Miss X who he met at whatever place - he talks to you (already).

Men tend to fall for the women they can talk to and who listen to them..and who they can be friends with - and those are some of the best relationships I have had.

Above the friendship though you need the chemistry bit (of course)..I think you might have if you let a bit of you go.

 

Sorry for the long post!

I wouldn't have except I think there is something here to work on.

 

Oh..Victoria's Secret..yeah lovely..all airbrushed loveliness..can't compare to the body of the person you like/lust/love though....nowhere near!!!!

(for the record - him comparing you as an attempt to make you jealous - I've had the same done to me many a time! )

[fifipheebs]

Right...OK.

 

 

 

Are you perhaps making it too easy for him to see you often in that you invite him out but you are not going to initiate . Is it going in cycles?

 

 

One last thing...you two clearly have friendship - no question of that.

 

 

Oh..Victoria's Secret..yeah lovely..all airbrushed loveliness..can't compare to the body of the person you like/lust/love though....nowhere near!!!!

(for the record - him comparing you as an attempt to make you jealous -

 

Its going in absoulute cycles. However i feel since ive invited, he should take yhe reighns over and make a move. Unless he feels accepting the invitation is a move.

 

I feel we are quite friends and i hope he feels the same. I do care deeply for him very much.

 

It has crossed my mind he tries the jealousy tactic but at times i become so disheartened i feel perhaps he doesnt know how to tell me kindly to back off therefore brings up girls he knows i cannot stomach up in conversation.

 

Last year he was absolutly beyond attentive and remembered little things and rang up often and when i was cold or unwell he would show and provide comfort. This year he hasnt shown the same amount of attention and instead of ringing me he sends me SMS.

Perhaps i am expecting too much and you are correct and he feels like he has put much out there and im not recipocating in way he needs or wants me to and keeping guard of his heart and feelings?

 

Thk u gemmauk for taking time to respond. I value your imput immensely.

[fifipheebs]

Alright. He is not responding to my SMS so I cannot even ask him to hang out.

Sometimes he won't respond and I'll get a friend to text him and he'll respond.

It's things like these that will make me wonder if he doesn't want to move "what we have" along any further. Feel like I'm just for his ego pleasure.

[GemmaUK]

Alright. He is not responding to my SMS so I cannot even ask him to hang out.

Sometimes he won't respond and I'll get a friend to text him and he'll respond.

It's things like these that will make me wonder if he doesn't want to move "what we have" along any further. Feel like I'm just for his ego pleasure.

 

The not responding to you but to a friend isn't nice at all.

 

It may be that he is busy with family or like me has no signal - I've had none for the last two days at home - if that is the case then he should reply once he can/is free to.

 

He will get it at some point though so I would leave it there and not text again.

In fact I would not text again to initiate anything if he has a habit of not replying to you but will to others.

That part isn't a good sign I'm afraid.

[fifipheebs]

The not responding to you but to a friend isn't nice at all.

 

It may be that he is busy with family or like me has no signal - I've had none for the last two days at home - if that is the case then he should reply once he can/is free to.

 

He will get it at some point though so I would leave it there and not text again.

In fact I would not text again to initiate anything if he has a habit of not replying to you but will to others.

That part isn't a good sign I'm afraid.

 

That's what I'm afraid of. I reckon he was not with his family last night. In fact I'm almost certain he wasn't. He could have been busy. But I will take your advice and not contact him.

I was spending some time with a friend of his the other day. Have a possible theory that perhaps he found out and is jealous?

It is odd. His not responding to a message isn't all the time but more once in a blue moon and I reckon when he is keeping me at arms length. Whatever way it confuses me!

 

Hope you are having happy holidays with your family.