CBKBM Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Quick summary of relationship: Both in early 30s, dated two years, he ended things about four months ago. It wasn’t a nasty breakup, but it was confusing. I never got a clear answer as to why he ended things, and though I have my own thoughts and guesses (bad timing, stress of new jobs, I tend to shut down emotionally), they’ve never been confirmed. Anyways… We never really went NC. Well, maybe for about two weeks. Since then, we’ve communicated at least once a week. The conversations are always positive, sometimes nostalgic, and are initiated about 50/50 by each of us. We did meet up a few weeks ago, had a great time, and yes, slept together. We haven’t brought that event up since then, and have continued our contact as normal. We’ve made plans to meet up again at the end of January when the holiday and work craziness dies down. (Before anyone suggests that he’s just using me for sex, I’m inclined to disagree. He’s a good, generally upstanding guy, and I really don’t think he’d be that emotionally callous.) Although I love talking with him, it’s really emotionally confusing. After four months of mixed signals (at least, they’re mixed to me), I know that what we’re doing isn’t sustainable. So….what do I do now? The advice everyone (online at least) seems to dispense is: NEVER EVER SHARE YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU’LL LOOK DESPERATE AND NEEDY AND PUSH HIM AWAY. Personally, I think that’s ridiculous. Isn’t honesty a good policy? I know I don’t have the power to control how he feels, but I do have the power to tell him how I feel. Should I man up and do that? Finally put it all out there and tell him what I feel and what I want, and let him use that information however he wants? If he wants to rekindle, then that would be amazing. If he doesn’t, well, then at least I know. How the heck do I start that talk? It’s probably the sort of conversation I should have in person, right? Any advice on how to be brave and vulnerable?
BC1980 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 The only thing you can do is tell him that you are not interested in friendship, and you understand if he feels differently. Don't go spill your guts and get emotional because that will only put you in a position to have your feelings hurt. My post breakup situation was very similar, and I ended up saying the same thing to my ex. He was not interested in commitment even though he kept contacting me and wanting to see me. My ex would say he needed more time and maybe in a few years. Basically, you are on a crumb diet like I was. I know it's really difficult because you want to hold into anything you can for fear of losing it all. Unfortunately, you have already lost it all because he is not committing to you. I would be very surprised if he wanted to rekindle your relationship based in his behavior. As hard as it is, it's far better to go NC and find someone who will actually give you a relationship.
BC1980 Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 No sex until he declares his intentions to you. He absolutely wants to get away with a "relationship lite". Legs stay closed until you tell him what you want. Either he is on board, or he walks away. You can't screw a man into committing to you. Yup. Having sex with a ex cheapens you and makes you look weak unfortunately. It doesn't mean you are weak, but he is likely to see it that way. Don't give him sex that easily. I'm willing to bet he has no intentions of commitment and will give you a line about maybe commiting in the future. These types of exes are the worst. They give you just enough rope to hang yourself. I wish I could tell you his continued contact is a good sign, but it's not. I've been down this road. 1
lil hoodlum Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 I think it would be prudent to keep your thoughts and feelings for him to yourself until you get some clear answers why he ended things. He wants something, you want something. I think he should communicate what the issues were. You don't want to walk back into this and the same "reasons" or issues come up again and you find yourself being heartbroken allover again.
TwoMelo Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 The advice everyone (online at least) seems to dispense is: NEVER EVER SHARE YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU’LL LOOK DESPERATE AND NEEDY AND PUSH HIM AWAY. Personally, I think that’s ridiculous. Isn’t honesty a good policy? I know I don’t have the power to control how he feels, but I do have the power to tell him how I feel. Should I man up and do that? Finally put it all out there and tell him what I feel and what I want, and let him use that information however he wants? If he wants to rekindle, then that would be amazing. If he doesn’t, well, then at least I know. How the heck do I start that talk? It’s probably the sort of conversation I should have in person, right? Any advice on how to be brave and vulnerable? As far as the honesty thing... I agree with you. I like to just let my feelings known and share my emotions. The problem is, most people aren't like that. Most people like to play games and have "power" in relationships/interactions. You have to be confident enough to take whatever being honest will bring you. You might not be able to find out how your ex feels by the way. He is grown, and you can't make a grown person do anything they don't want to do. My advice is to be patient, live your life and let things happen. Take the opportunities to express your honest feelings and if he doesn't reciprocate, don't worry, just move on and live your life to the fullest. Read some Brené Brown books and don't let anyone tell you how to think or feel. 1
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