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Posted

My boyfriend (ex) and I share a computer macbook, it was always set on private, no search history. Our phones were never each others business. Never.

  • Like 1
Posted
My SO knows I post here. If he wanted, he could go through my posts and read every one of them...although I don't think he cares too.

 

But if he did, I honestly wouldn't care. Then again, I would never say anything about my husband to others that I would not say directly to his face. It's not about trust as much as it is about respect. If you Dont want your wife to be upset by what you say about her, then my advice is to quit talking smack.

 

I agree...my girlfriend could read what I write if she really wanted, don't particularly want her to because I know damn well I've said some pretty soppy stuff about her on here that I know she would never let me forget and be forever quoting :rolleyes:

 

But in concept, I wouldn't say anything I wouldn't want her to read, seriously, I'd find it disrespectful if she did the same.

 

Saying that though I personally would flip big time about the lack of trust - I don't advice that at all, but I know my own flaws and I could deal with that.

I agree that maybe counselling or something where you can 'vent' together would be good.

  • Like 1
Posted
Agree with xxoo that this is not about LS, it's about the health and security of your relationship. That needs addressing urgently.

 

Maybe an embargo on LS needs to happen. Maybe for x weeks you need to stay off, on the proviso that:

 

a) you, together, seek marriage counselling

b) you have weekly - for fun - date nights

c) you invest x hours (how much time do you spend posting?) talking through her trust issues and what she thinks is going to happen and WHY she thinks it's going to happen. Go on walks and talk as you walk. Get everything out, then leave it at the door when you get home

 

Show her she is your focus, and ask her to substantiate her fears to enable you both to deal with them.

 

If she won't partake then I suggest it's unreasonable and it becomes either about her being controlling, or her being a cheater herself, in which case it's a whole different problem you have.

 

reposted for emphasis...

 

Focus on the underlying issues that you both have. Take a break from these other things that seem to be pushing her buttons.

  • Like 1
Posted
reposted for emphasis...

 

Focus on the underlying issues that you both have. Take a break from these other things that seem to be pushing her buttons.

Take a break from having private communication with people? :confused:

 

I don't know why Eliot but when guys ask for help here a lot of times the weirdest advice comes out from women. It's almost like they lose respect and sentence you to biatch status for seeking advice. I don't know a single one of them who would put up with having the guy they're dating demand to see all their private communications, and then be told the solution to the problem is just to take a break from private communication for a while. And they certainly wouldn't sleep with a guy who puts up with that kind of nonsense.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

I met one of my ex-girlfriends a few months before she was due to move far away from me and I liked her so much I started hopping on a plane every few weeks to go see her. Would spend about 6 hours from leaving my house to touching down in her city and she would spend 30 minutes to come grab me at the airport. After a few times she started bitching about the drive and if you think I put up with that after traveling 6 hours to see her you have to be out of your mind. Despite any "issues" she might have had with driving. She offered to do it at first and I would have easily picked her up if she spent the 6 hours traveling. :p

 

We ended up breaking up eventually but she would still get wet when I touched her all the way to our last date. Which will not be the case with you if you keep rolling over and rewarding her bad behavior. Like many women here are encouraging you to do.

Edited by gaius
Posted
Take a break from having private communication with people? :confused:

 

I don't know why Eliot but when guys ask for help here a lot of times the weirdest advice comes out from women. It's almost like they lose respect and sentence you to biatch status for seeking advice. I don't know a single one of them who would put up with having the guy they're dating demand to see all their private communications, and then be told the solution to the problem is just to take a break from private communication for a while. And they certainly wouldn't sleep with a guy who puts up with that kind of nonsense.

 

Yes. When a marriage is in crisis, I'd suggest both people 'take a break' from behaviors that appear to be doing damage or 'love busting' while trying to sort out the issues.

 

The advice to seek counseling from a professional is a good one.

 

Keep in mind, I come from a long line of people, friends and family who have very long-lived marriages. They didn't get to that by disregarding their partner's concerns no matter how unreasonable they might seem at the time.

 

That said, if she expects a her way or the highway approach to his communication with others, then that would be disrespectful and a 'love buster' towards him.

 

I'd like to think there is a happy middle ground here for both of them that isn't focused on one-upmanship and the need to prove HE 'DA MAN... (whatever THAT means).

  • Like 2
Posted
Yes. When a marriage is in crisis, I'd suggest both people 'take a break' from behaviors that appear to be doing damage or 'love busting' while trying to sort out the issues.

 

The advice to seek counseling from a professional is a good one.

 

Keep in mind, I come from a long line of people, friends and family who have very long-lived marriages. They didn't get to that by disregarding their partner's concerns no matter how unreasonable they might seem at the time.

 

That said, if she expects a her way or the highway approach to his communication with others, then that would be disrespectful and a 'love buster' towards him.

 

I'd like to think there is a happy middle ground here for both of them that isn't focused on one-upmanship and the need to prove HE 'DA MAN... (whatever THAT means).

I don't know, it sounds like it's devolved to a situation where he's so concerned with her needs he let's her bully him and she's totally turned off because he does. From what I've heard about your parents that isn't the case. Didn't they seperate at one point but get back together? Maybe someones behavior devolved to the point where the other had to put their foot down? If you do whatever the other partner wants it's not going to lead to the kind of loving, respectful relationship your parents have based on how I've heard you speak of it. And giving up the one little sanctuary of privacy he has is in essence continuing to allow himself to be bullied, no matter how you want to phrase it.

Posted

So the advice from women is cave? That's not helpful at all. In fact its going to make the OP feel worse, like he did something wrong.

  • Like 3
Posted

I'm honestly not surprised. Women today don't want a man they respect when has his own expectations and boundaries, who knows when he has the high ground on an issue and stands it. Instead they want a man they can walk all over, make demands of, disrespect in public and spit on sometimes. A man that takes all of that crap with a smile on his face and then apologizes to you for it is a highly desirable man these days.

Posted
I'm honestly not surprised. Women today don't want a man they respect when has his own expectations and boundaries, who knows when he has the high ground on an issue and stands it. Instead they want a man they can walk all over, make demands of, disrespect in public and spit on sometimes. A man that takes all of that crap with a smile on his face and then apologizes to you for it is a highly desirable man these days.

 

No he isn't desirable to women. Men who cave like this usually don't have lasting relationships.

Posted
No he isn't desirable to women. Men who cave like this usually don't have lasting relationships.

 

Look around society. Watch commercials or TV shows.

 

That guy driving the minivan with his head hanging low?

 

Those.commercials where the man is too stupid to make a decision so the woman comes in and slaps him around a little and shows him how to do it right ?

 

 

They all say they want one thing, and then go for something completely different.

 

When a man stands up for himself to his woman, the overwhelming female response is "how dare you"

Posted
I'm honestly not surprised. Women today don't want a man they respect when has his own expectations and boundaries, who knows when he has the high ground on an issue and stands it. Instead they want a man they can walk all over, make demands of, disrespect in public and spit on sometimes. A man that takes all of that crap with a smile on his face and then apologizes to you for it is a highly desirable man these days.

Oh they still want a guy who won't take guff but good luck getting them to admit it. :p A lot of them end up with guys they aren't that into because they've had such rotten experiences with guys they are.

Posted
Look around society. Watch commercials or TV shows.

 

That guy driving the minivan with his head hanging low?

 

Those.commercials where the man is too stupid to make a decision so the woman comes in and slaps him around a little and shows him how to do it right ?

 

 

They all say they want one thing, and then go for something completely different.

 

When a man stands up for himself to his woman, the overwhelming female response is "how dare you"

 

And those guys get cheated on and left while men like me who have self respect get wonderful wives who treat them great. If you stand up for yourself and follow through you have already won half the battle.

Posted
And those guys get cheated on and left while men like me who have self respect get wonderful wives who treat them great. If you stand up for yourself and follow through you have already won half the battle.

 

So then you can agree with me when I say if that's not what women want, why do they keep treating men like that.

 

Why are the women telling this man to cave to his wife's demands when SHE is clearly the one with the issues. Half of them have even acknowledged she is the crazy one but the consensus is still to give in.

Posted
So then you can agree with me when I say if that's not what women want, why do they keep treating men like that.

 

Why are the women telling this man to cave to his wife's demands when SHE is clearly the one with the issues. Half of them have even acknowledged she is the crazy one but the consensus is still to give in.

 

Because they just can't admit that what they have been telling men to be for the past couple of decades is not what they really want. It is hard to admit when you are wrong. Sane women still want a man that treats them well but they don't want a spineless jellyfish.

Posted

I'm appalled that anyone would suggest rolling over.

 

There are many ways to phrase this situation but bullying is an appropriate adjective. Controlling behaviors used to isolate people are often associated with abuse. Although I'm not suggesting that there is abuse, it doesn't change the fact that isolation is a very unhealthy and destructive thing. There is no reasonable compromise in agreeing to isolated yourself from peer support because of the insecurities of anyone else. We all deserve the opportunity to sort through our own problems and decide what's best for us, even through being able to talk about it. Asking for support is not detrimental to healthy relationships. Openness is to be encouraged and not stomped out.

  • Like 2
Posted
If I knew that my partner posted about us on a public site, I'd want to know what was being said.

 

Yeah, but she doesn't get to be the double standard here.

 

His wife has Facebook groups (public) that she uses to vent about their relationship.

 

It's completely irrational that she's allowed to vent and go to her friends and talk and this and that, and HE'S not.

 

She has zero comprehension of boundaries, clear lack of self-esteem, severe trust issues, and I agree with Elswyth. I doubt this insecurity, paranoia, and attempt at control started recently, I'm sure it's something that's been going on since day one.

 

These issues need to be sorted out first and foremost. Have you ever thought about marriage counseling? She acts as if she gets to own and control you in every little aspect of your life. For Christ's sake you can't even join a sports team because she's so scared of the big bad females on the team?? She really needs a grip on reality and she needs to know that you're obviously with her for a reason and that you're not just going to start an affair with every single piece of a.ss that walks into a room.

 

She's completely irrational and I don't see a marriage lasting an entire lifetime under such strict dictatorship.

  • Like 3
Posted
I have read many articles on cheaters, and one of the biggest signs that they are cheating on you is that they find the flimsiest excuse to make the accusation, thinking you're as capable of deceit as they are.

 

 

Well that's just common sense - having nothing specific to do with cheating.

 

The best defense, after all, is a great offense.

Posted

A lot of people are viewing this as a power struggle to be won or lost.

 

I have a very different philosophy: engage the power struggle, and everyone loses. The relationship loses.

 

The argument isn't really about loveshack, anyway. It's about trust issues, so address them.

 

You can be strong (not backing down) by INSISTING on marriage counseling. Make the appt, and go alone if she won't go. You don't have to continue hurtful behaviors (venting on public boards) to show strength. That's false strength.

 

Yes, she should dump her facebook private groups and venting, too. You can be strong by insisting on that, too. Venting outside the marriage is NOT necessary. Neither my H nor I engage in that behavior. If there is a problem, we talk to each other. If WE need help, we'll get help. We have enlisted the help of family counseling in the past, primarily due to a child issue, but ultimately it was a co-parenting issue as well. I'm not suggesting a path I haven't been willing to walk myself.

 

Stand up for things that are in the best interest of the marriage. Not the things that are only in your own best interest.

  • Like 4
Posted
I don't know, it sounds like it's devolved to a situation where he's so concerned with her needs he let's her bully him and she's totally turned off because he does. From what I've heard about your parents that isn't the case. Didn't they seperate at one point but get back together? Maybe someones behavior devolved to the point where the other had to put their foot down? If you do whatever the other partner wants it's not going to lead to the kind of loving, respectful relationship your parents have based on how I've heard you speak of it. And giving up the one little sanctuary of privacy he has is in essence continuing to allow himself to be bullied, no matter how you want to phrase it.

 

He's not giving it up. He's showing good faith... under the condition that she also shows good faith by seeking counseling or some sort of mediation where they both get their concerns addressed.

 

In my parent's case, one of them SAID they were going to stop certain behaviors and didn't. Appeals for counseling went ignored. So they separated for a time. It was during that period that they both learned a lot about each other and themselves... and came together in the spirit of mutual reconciliation where they both admitted things that caused problems.

 

It was also during a period where many marriages split... right after the kids leave the nest. It was a tipping point of sorts.

 

They wouldn't have stayed together or come back together if one or both dug their heels in and refused to budge. But yes, it took one of them moving out before the other took them seriously. It shouldn't have been that way, but it was... They don't let things get to that point anymore and have since learned a lot about communicating. They are also both strong believers in the value of marriage. Another critical component.

Posted
A lot of people are viewing this as a power struggle to be won or lost.

 

I have a very different philosophy: engage the power struggle, and everyone loses. The relationship loses.

 

The argument isn't really about loveshack, anyway. It's about trust issues, so address them.

 

You can be strong (not backing down) by INSISTING on marriage counseling. Make the appt, and go alone if she won't go. You don't have to continue hurtful behaviors (venting on public boards) to show strength. That's false strength.

 

Yes, she should dump her facebook private groups and venting, too. You can be strong by insisting on that, too. Venting outside the marriage is NOT necessary. Neither my H nor I engage in that behavior. If there is a problem, we talk to each other. If WE need help, we'll get help. We have enlisted the help of family counseling in the past, primarily due to a child issue, but ultimately it was a co-parenting issue as well. I'm not suggesting a path I haven't been willing to walk myself.

 

Stand up for things that are in the best interest of the marriage. Not the things that are only in your own best interest.

 

ditto......................

  • Like 3
Posted

I have a very different philosophy: engage the power struggle, and everyone loses. The relationship loses.

 

Quoting for truth.

 

Frankly, all the hardball stances suggested here are pointless; if it even gets to the point where you find yourself continually feeling like you need to 'fight against the oppression' :rolleyes:, it's pretty much the beginning of the end. It doesn't even matter whether or not playing hardball wins or loses you the argument, you've already lost in all the ways that matter.

 

Either find a way to break the vicious cycle together (as others have suggested, two-way communication, counseling, etc), or cut your losses and leave.

  • Like 4
Posted

I've known a woman who wasn't allowed to go outside without her boyfriend's presence. She was asked to quit her job and she did as an offer of good faith. This woman rationalized that quitting her job was okay because she really wanted her relationship to work. But her actions did not force her boyfriend to behave one way or the other. Would any of you tell her to not engage in a power struggle with her boyfriend? Why or why not?

 

There can sometimes be a thin line between feeling uncomfortable and choosing to talk about it, opposed to engaging other people in outright controlling behaviors. It's a line anyone needs to learn how to navigate and I do not see this being encouraged by any of you. Whether you tell a person to stop going to a doctor, stop being friends with someone, or to stop talking about your life to x,y,z; You are pushing your insecurities onto someone else and it isn't okay.

  • Like 2
Posted

sounds crazy. I feel that the more she keeps this up, the more she will push you away.

Posted
Look around society. Watch commercials or TV shows.

 

That guy driving the minivan with his head hanging low?

 

Those.commercials where the man is too stupid to make a decision so the woman comes in and slaps him around a little and shows him how to do it right ?

 

 

They all say they want one thing, and then go for something completely different.

 

When a man stands up for himself to his woman, the overwhelming female response is "how dare you"

 

Yeah, deff with you on that one. I understand society wants to make things gender neutral but they are doing so in a way that is degrading to men; going to the other extreme of things.

Nowadays if a man cheats it's the worse thing ever, but when a woman slips the man is seen as inhumane for not accepting her pleads of sorry. She was just having "fun" and he must understand that. SMH.

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