My wife now has trust issues with me using this forum.

[Elliotte]

A few nights ago, I had LoveShack.org up on my screen as my wife walked by, she turned to me with quizzical look and said "Love Shack?" I explain to her that it's a relationship forum that I go to to get advice on parenting, personal growth and our relationship.

 

My wife has previously jumped on my computer to read all my private Facebook messages, and has looked through my texts, where she has seen me venting to friends about some of the tough times of our relationship. Both times this lead to fighting, and me telling her she needs to allow me to sometimes get my frustrations out with others rather than coming directly to her, resulting in needless fighting. She has vented to her friends about our fights, she also has closed Facebook group she sometimes vents to about us, I respect her need to sometimes get her feelings out with others, and have never looked through her messages. I trust her, but it is plainly obvious she has trust issues with me. I asked her to not look through the forum like she had gone through my private messages.

 

I have been the most faithful and honest husband a wife could ask for, I have never done anything to hurt her trust in me, most certainly I have never done anything to cheat on her. Yet she refuses to give it to me. She hasn't had any adult relationships before me, when she was dating around in high school, a few guys cheated on her. She's 28 now, we started dating when she was 25.

 

To give another example of her trust issues, one time a friend of mine was part of a co-ed soccer team, I grew up playing soccer and wish to get back into playing sometime. When we were at the friend's birthday party at a bar, some of his team members showed up, both guys and girls. I started chatting with a few of them, interested in details about the team and the league. The moment my wife and I had a second to chat by ourselves she said "I have a problem if you were to join this team, there are girls on this team that are loud and flirty!" I dropped the idea.

 

We had a discussion yesterday where she said she was uncomfortable that I was coming to this forum and wanted further explanation about what I did hear. I explained to her it is like group therapy, you get advice on your problems from other people who've been in your shoes, and I give advice to other people I can relate with. She specifically thinks that because women are here, I will bond with them and start flirting, emotionally cheating, or trying to start an affair.

 

I thought we sorted it out last night that she would respect my space with this, but instead she has let it flare up and informed me during a lunch break call that she intends on going here, and reading all my posts and will get upset if she finds anything "inappropriate". My guess is she will see the times I have vented, and get upset, then try to use that to justify her trust issues.

 

What would you do if someone clearly doesn't respect your boundaries like this, and acts like her trust issues are justifying her paranoia? I am tempted to cancel the holidays with her if she steps over this line. I have nothing to hide, but she cannot give me the trust I give her, no matter what I do.

[Bigcitydreamer]

My bf- who is a bit of a jerk- we may not last much longer due to reasons unrelated to this. But I can tell you right now that he would not allow me to dictate anything to do with his life based on jealousy. For example I looked through his Facebook once, I didn't find anything really but I did see the conversations he had with his ex years prior to me. This made me insecure so I told him what I did and he got angry and told me to respect his privacy and never do that again! You seriously need to stand up for yourself. If she has a problem with it then she can leave but I doubt she would leave because you told her to smarten up.

 

My bf knows I go on loveshack too. I would be so creeped out if he wanted to read all my posts and actually took it that far. I'd be so upset if he actually did that and I would tell him if he crossed that boundary again we would be done. I knows this is your wife so you can't just break up but you have to put your foot down. Do not allow her to read your posts. That's just weird and you absolutely have a right to be here and voice your concerns and seek advice and give advice if you are doing so with good intentions which you clearly are

 

Good luck I bet she will change her attitude if you also change yours.

[Els]

 

What would you do if someone clearly doesn't respect your boundaries like this, and acts like her trust issues are justifying her paranoia?

 

Honestly? First off, I would have suggested not marrying until you've both had time to work out all the big issues. This one sounds like it has been around from the start, not a new development, so you would have known about it for some time. Why was it okay with you before?

 

I apologize if I sound snarky, but that is an honest question. It really is a compatibility thing, IMO - some couples are actually genuinely okay with having nothing private from their spouse. You are not. She wants you to be. She finds it suspicious that you want to keep things private because it doesn't gel with her view of relationships. Hence the conflict.

 

I'd recommend sitting down with her and explaining the mindset clash, and letting her know that you can't live like this. Offer some form of compromise. Hopefully she is mature and rational enough to try and work on things with you.

 

Good luck.

[xxoo]

If I knew that my partner posted about us on a public site, I'd want to know what was being said.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If a couple of you basically end each sentence spoken to your partners with

"(whatever you do, doooooooooon't go to Loveshack.org and read any of my posts there)", you are basically tempting them to do just that, with no realistic chance that they will abstain, for very long.

 

I was going to grant the OP a full pardon if indeed he's been the most faithful and honest husband a woman can ask for... yet, given what somebody else implied about some of his prior posts, I'm suuuuuuuuuuuuure the wife will land on Loveshack at some point and read everything, before finding her OWN way to make something out of what little true substance might actually be contained within.

[Elliotte]

If a couple of you basically end each sentence spoken to your partners with

"(whatever you do, doooooooooon't go to Loveshack.org and read any of my posts there)", you are basically tempting them to do just that, with no realistic chance that they will abstain, for very long.

 

I was going to grant the OP a full pardon if indeed he's been the most faithful and honest husband a woman can ask for... yet, given what somebody else implied about some of his prior posts, I'm suuuuuuuuuuuuure the wife will land on Loveshack at some point and read everything, before finding her OWN way to make something out of what little true substance might actually be contained within.

 

I could just as easily hop on her computer or phone as she has with me, but I don't. I trust her, although with all this paranoia she has, should I? I have read many articles on cheaters, and one of the biggest signs that they are cheating on you is that they find the flimsiest excuse to make the accusation, thinking you're as capable of deceit as they are. It happened to my best friend with his wife.

 

I work all day to pay most of the bills, I take care of my son in the morning and in the evening, do most of the household chores, and then spend time with her, usually getting a little bit of time in the evening where I go to bed later than her, so I nerd out on the internet, play games, read, draw, for the past year and a half I've mostly been a homebody other than to go out WITH her! Yet she still thinks I am capable of cheating on her.

 

Like you said, because I am venting here and not filtering it for her ears, she will go through every post until she finds the weakest shred of ammo she could use to claim I am being dishonest or inappropriate. The minute she gets a whiff of me possibly doing something bad, the witch hunt is on!

 

If any woman here feels like I have been inappropriate towards you, step forward and let my wife know please.

[gaius]

Are you sure she's not cheating on you? If there's one thing I've learned watching Maury it's that people like her, frequent accusers with no just cause, are usually the one's doing something messed up themselves. I know my friends ex-girlfriend was always getting upset about old pictures of his she found or some other nonsense while she was having sex with me behind his back.

[Keenly]

Do you know what one of the biggest signs of an abuser is ? Isolating you.

 

She is trying to isolate you from any form of comradery or support system. That alone should be a huge red flag that you need to stand your ground about. I don't care if it starts a huge fight. If you do not stand your ground, you will forever oppressed.

[Poppyolive]

Here's what i think,

 

Ive known a few relationships, (not mine) that share passwords, so they have access to facebook, emails...whatever else. I think thats crazy, but everyones different, have had different pasts where trust was an issue or broken.

 

I think it is important to have privacy and places to turn to, to vent, share, seek advice...etc...and love shack is no different, than facebook football page, facebook memorial page, your wifes closed group page....every individual needs that space to have that. Same with our cell phones, if one has to show, prove to their lover they are not cheating...You have never cheated on her. Now if i found my boyfriend had a closed group on here, i'd feel nosey, ask questions but i would certainly not butt my way in there. flip side, I had a plenty of fish account when i moved to Alberta middle of nowhere for a few months with my boyfriend. I asked him, before i signed up, was he ok with it, an shared what i was gong there for...it was looking for girls to be my friend, nothing else....we were in the middle of nowhere for his work, I came as a support....we were saving for a big trip. at first he was a little concerned, i asked him to trust me and he did, I made two very dear friends in the time i spent up there, they were with their boyfriends and lonely for female friendship. My boyfriend met them both, and their boyfriends as well as mine were happy the girls had friends to connect with. So as you can see both sides we trusted each other....Everytime he felt a little uneasy, id tell him about a girl m chatting with and going to meet for coffee, like wise i told him if guys tried to chat with me....open and honest. I understood his side, his concersn and worries, but however i was in a small freezing town, and needed soem connections. I think in relationships as soon as jealousy and trust issues come to surface its difficult to work through. Don't get me wrong there was a few times i would feel jealous of him and him of me...if someone was checking me out at a music festival, visa versa.....but we would laugh knowing our love was for each other.

 

Now, reading your post, it seem your wife has trust issues (no sh*t sherlock) they are her issues, not yours. No that doesn't mean you shouldn't care, but she can't be going loosing her rag over something she's made up in her head. Its a tough one, because if you are adamant that she not see this group, you will probably feel you have something to hide, her insecurities are making you walk on eggshells. Her knowing you are on here, but putting your foot down for privacy sake....things are going to blow up....way up which is not necessary, I feel nervous for you, i feel her anger and concern...I don't know what you need to do....

 

Im sure she confides in her friends about you, even silly niggling things like "gawd he's so annoying he did this, didn't do that...whatever" If each of you were to know every word uttered, every thought shared, every text, every facebook message, like, comment, every call on her phone, every call on yours....next you may as well follow each other to the toilet, sleep with one eye open....its goes on, and will get crazier. Put your foot down, let things blow over, seek some help to work through this, she needs to understand boundaries, trust, privacy and space....you need to not make her nosey, hear her side with grace....I really just rambled, i totally put myself in your shoes and hers.

 

 

Keep volumes down, keep your hearts open, be empathic, hold each other close, share love and light.

[xxoo]

Instead of getting into a stalemate about loveshack, why not use this as the impetus to really get to the bottom of your issues?

 

She doesn't trust you. You have a decent amt of issues with the relationship yourself, considering the threads you've started here. Maybe time for some marriage counseling? Or if not, at least some open, honest communication. It's no good to throw out ultimatums, forbid her from reading your posts, and brush this all under the rug.

[Elliotte]

One of the biggest fights we had was over a friendly acquaintance of mine that was part of our friends group. One night a bunch of us were at a bar, I spent most of the night sitting with my wife on one end of the table. Since I had friends on the other end of the table, I went to sit there. One of the people sitting there was this friendly acquaintance. Now this woman is the boisterous, excited type, very outspoken, one of those 'flirt with the room' type personalities. I certainly wasn't flirting back, just enjoying the conversation we were having as a group. I had known this woman before I met my wife, had no dates with her, had no interest in her at all, especially since she dated one of my good friends.

 

6 months AFTER that night, my wife tells me that that woman made her uncomfortable that night, and when I tell her that's just the type of person this woman is, we get in a fight over that I should have immediately gotten out of my seat and moved away from her, but because I chose to stay seated next to her and a bunch of my friends, I did something HORRIBLE.

[theothersully]

I would both go private on everything.

 

It worked well in my old marriage. I never looked into her online business, she didn't look into mine.

[Elliotte]

Instead of getting into a stalemate about loveshack, why not use this as the impetus to really get to the bottom of your issues?

 

She doesn't trust you. You have a decent amt of issues with the relationship yourself, considering the threads you've started here. Maybe time for some marriage counseling? Or if not, at least some open, honest communication. It's no good to throw out ultimatums, forbid her from reading your posts, and brush this all under the rug.

 

I'm not forbidding her from anything, I told her to go ahead, even after explaining to her what I do here in detail and her agreeing not to check it out, she flat out said "I still feel like something is going on, I am going to read all your posts tonight to find out if you're telling the truth." I know she will take my venting as a slight and claim I was being dishonest with her, she's done this before.

 

But it is hurtful to me, I've been nothing but loyal and honest with her. At this point of being unable to ever truly gain her trust. It makes me not want to be around her, hence I am honestly contemplating cancelling all the special events we have planned together for this holiday break.

 

We are talking about marriage counseling and that is in our near future. Hopefully that can help sort out issues between us, until then I don't feel like putting any more work into trying to get along with her, it's like trying to kick water uphill.

[Elliotte]

I would both go private on everything.

 

It worked well in my old marriage. I never looked into her online business, she didn't look into mine.

 

So I should keep passwords on my computer and my cell phone in order to protect myself from my own wife? At this point I guess I have to, sadly. Then she would just be extra suspicious and use that as a reason to say I am hiding something.

[xxoo]

I'm not forbidding her from anything, I told her to go ahead, even after explaining to her what I do here in detail and her agreeing not to check it out, she flat out said "I still feel like something is going on, I am going to read all your posts tonight to find out if you're telling the truth." I know she will take my venting as a slight and claim I was being dishonest with her, she's done this before.

 

Taking the venting as a slight isn't entirely unreasonable. It may be hypocritical, if she does the same, but that's something to talk out (does she vent about extremely personal things?). Probably you both should stop venting to others.

[Elliotte]

Taking the venting as a slight isn't entirely unreasonable. It may be hypocritical, if she does the same, but that's something to talk out (does she vent about extremely personal things?). Probably you both should stop venting to others.

 

In my experience not having advice from others is more harmful to a relationship. You can have the same conversation with your SO over until eternity and still not have the tools to solve the problem, without outside help. It's not like anything I vent about here, with my therapist, or with friends is stuff I then withhold from her, but you do have to check your emotions sometimes rather than immediately taking them out on the person related to them. She has been all for this herself, talks with friends, goes to therapists, has her groups. There's no lack of honesty and communication between us, that's for sure.

[xxoo]

If you are interested in a different point of view, here's an article about the drawbacks of venting:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/design-your-path/201108/anger-management-the-five-ws-healthy-venting

[theothersully]

So I should keep passwords on my computer and my cell phone in order to protect myself from my own wife? At this point I guess I have to, sadly. Then she would just be extra suspicious and use that as a reason to say I am hiding something.

 

I mean no, you are going to have to discuss the problem and arrive at an agreement, but "to each their own" on online stuff does work a lot better. Passwords, etc... she should have her privacy too. Makes for a lot less weirdness and fighting, imo.

[RedRobin]

Are you sure she's not cheating on you? If there's one thing I've learned watching Maury it's that people like her, frequent accusers with no just cause, are usually the one's doing something messed up themselves.

 

this was the case with my ex-H as well...

[Silly_Girl]

Agree with xxoo that this is not about LS, it's about the health and security of your relationship. That needs addressing urgently.

 

Maybe an embargo on LS needs to happen. Maybe for x weeks you need to stay off, on the proviso that:

 

a) you, together, seek marriage counselling

b) you have weekly - for fun - date nights

c) you invest x hours (how much time do you spend posting?) talking through her trust issues and what she thinks is going to happen and WHY she thinks it's going to happen. Go on walks and talk as you walk. Get everything out, then leave it at the door when you get home

 

Show her she is your focus, and ask her to substantiate her fears to enable you both to deal with them.

 

If she won't partake then I suggest it's unreasonable and it becomes either about her being controlling, or her being a cheater herself, in which case it's a whole different problem you have.

[Haydn]

OP, trust issues destroyed my ex. She could not accept my past relationships. (Actually anything) To the point it was damaging my health. I think this is abuse. Trust is a 2 way thing. Good luck.

[gaius]

this was the case with my ex-H as well...

I didn't know your ex cheated on you. Or that you rode motorcycles. Learn something new everyday.

 

About the advice you should stop posting on loveshack for a while, don't. Even if she has some genuine trust issues if you buy into the trying to control you nonsense she'll only lose respect. The fact you put up with so much nonsense now is part of what makes me think she's got something dirty of her own going on. If I were you I'd pry into her private corners and see who she's talking to. If there is another guy he won't be too hard to spot. They're always sure to stand out.

[MissBee]

Perhaps you guys need joint marriage counseling where you are in one room, together, with a mediator who can help you work through your issues, as you're venting on here, she's venting on FB but it doesn't seem like you guys are actually addressing things together.

 

I do think your wife's behavior is unreasonable and overbearing and it seems like headway may be made with some marriage counseling, as thus far your talks as well as both of you turning elsewhere hasn't solved the problem.

Edited December 24, 2013 by MissBee

[carhill]

OP, select a MC and make an appointment for the earliest opening available and simply state 'OK, let's get these issues I've been discussing on LS in front of a disinterested third-party professional. I've made an appointment and am going.' End statement. Go. If she's there with you, that's one answer. If not, it's another answer. Good luck.

[Janesays]

My SO knows I post here. If he wanted, he could go through my posts and read every one of them...although I don't think he cares too.

 

But if he did, I honestly wouldn't care. Then again, I would never say anything about my husband to others that I would not say directly to his face. It's not about trust as much as it is about respect. If you Dont want your wife to be upset by what you say about her, then my advice is to quit talking smack.