Ex wanted to spend time together not in a relationship - I asked her to decide?

[Rjenkins]

Both 25. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for 4 years in a long distance relationship, seeing each other when possible. Then she broke it off as she apparently felt 'pressured to see me' in her free time and didn't want to be in a relationship ("I don't want the commitment"). After lots of talking, she asked to spend time together, saying that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend but just to see "how things go" in a more relaxed way with but both of us not seeing other people.

 

We've been meeting regularly, sometimes spending weekends together or the odd evening/afternoon. We're 100 miles apart. If ever I send her a message or call her, she responds only after a few days or not at all, yet calls me often at short notice to meet somewhere halfway or to just talk about once a week.

 

When we do spend time together, it's great, but I feel this is all on her terms.. It's like she has her own life that she doesn't want me to be part of, and at the same time, wants all the benefits she had when I was her boyfriend.

 

Recently, I told her that she needs to decide if we are friends or in a relationship, and if so, needs to spend time together to make things work. After 10 days of not speaking, I heard from her today and she says I was right to say this and wants to meet to talk in a few days..? How do you handle such a conversation, especially when you think it will go badly? Would you still meet her and what would you say?

[2fargone]

Just see where the conversation takes you. Don't give her anyting, listen mostly. Ask questions but don't give her anything.

[BC1980]

It seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. When you meet, I would tell her that you don't want to keep seeing her unless you are in a relationship. It's too painful, and you can't move on that way. Don't pressure her. Just tell her you understand, and you both want different things apparently.

 

I know it's tough, but you can't keep on seeing her without a relationship. She is basically reaping the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. Don't let anyone do that to you.