mtnbiker3000 Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I have a feeling this may open a heated discussion, but I’m game . So, I am starting to date this new girl that I like a lot and am also quite attracted to physically. We’ve been on two dates and things seem to be going well and a third date is desired by both of us. But, I am noticing that I am being very ‘nice’ and accommodating again (as I did with my ex). And, with all of the self-reflection, etc… that I have done in the last year, I am noticing it like a punch in the face. So, my question is, are things like opening doors, paying compliments, being open to her thoughts and suggestions and generally acting nice, kind and courteous paving the way to being labeled as the proverbial ‘nice guy’ who will ultimately lose out in the end… again?? I really don’t want to go down that road again!! It’s funny, I look back at all of the relationships I’ve had, and this has been a pattern for me starting back when I was like 16. Not always, but most of the time. And especially if I am attracted to the girl. There seems to be some weird correlation between how much I like her and how ‘nice’ I am. And, of course, I now know I have some pretty deep issues with boundaries, self-esteem, etc... I know I am not capable of treating others poorly on purpose for my own gain. I dunno, this is all very confusing to me
Onethirtyeight Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I do those nice things for girls who deserve it and I have never had problems. If she's taking advantage of my being nice she's not deserving of my kindness and the relationship will end there. I'd say if you really are a nice guy not a whiny "nice guy" then don't waste your time with bitches that don't deserve it. Let the douchebags have the girls that will take advantage of a nice guy. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Having manners does not automatically make you a doormat. Subjugating your entire belief system to her makes you the kind of man women don't want who they/we walk all over. Do you offer her your opinion on things? Do you disagree with her? I'm not talking about just the big stuff here. If you love chocolate ice cream but she tells you her favorite flavor is vanilla, a real man who knows his own mind will still order a chocolate cone for himself while getting her vanilla. Do you suggest the restaurants you go to or the movies you watch? Can you make a decision without consulting her? If yes, you aren't being "too nice".
hopelessniceguy Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Couldn't agree more...but its easier said than done when you like the girl
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 I'd say if you really are a nice guy not a whiny "nice guy" then don't waste your time with bitches that don't deserve it. Let the douchebags have the girls that will take advantage of a nice guy. Actually, I would say that I am NOT a doormat or a whiny, clingy, guy (might have been at the very end of the last RS when I was dumped on my arse, but not before that). And, I would NOT say that my ex wasn't deserving of my 'niceness', because, all except at the end, she was for the most part. It just seemed to slowly turn into a failing endeavor. Not even really sure if being 'nice' even had anything to do with it. Again, it's all so confusing and the rules of the game are very hard to understand and master.
ThatMan Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 (edited) Okay. First of all, take a deep breath, exhale, and let go of whatever stereotypical 'nice-guy' jargon you've held onto. I really believe you are over-thinking the issue. Most people outgrow that sort of reasoning because it's unrealistic. There are more important things to worry about right now anyways, such as your self-esteem. Nobody wants to be rejected. It's easy to be afraid of losing out in the end. But you owe it to yourself to be a genuine person who behaves in whatever way that makes you happy. The right person will come along and it's better she value and respect you, rather than take interest in a temporary lie. There is also a huge difference between being nice, courteous, and kind to a person you care about, opposed to all the dysfunction low self-esteem brings out. You should feel deserving of a relationship as you are. You do not need to compromise your own happiness by seeking to appease a woman. Rather than behave one particular way, or follow arbitrary and invented 'game rules', why not try working on your self-esteem? Assertiveness and healthy boundaries come with it. Edited December 23, 2013 by ThatMan 1
GoreSP Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Well, first of all, I know how you feel! I realized the same thing about myself this year and I recently starting dating someone. Anyhow, the thing with being accommodating is that it's only bad when it goes again what you want. For example, it's not a 'bad' accommodation to see the movie she choses after you told her you weren't sure what to pick and so you let her pick. It's 'bad' accommodation when she choses the movie you really don't want to see and you say nothing about it… See where I'm getting? Also, realize that relationships are about accommodation to a certain extend and as long as you both sometimes get your way, you are on the right path. Good luck! 1
GoreSP Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I know I am not capable of treating others poorly on purpose for my own gain. and that's….ba…….ad?
Onethirtyeight Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Actually, I would say that I am NOT a doormat or a whiny, clingy, guy (might have been at the very end of the last RS when I was dumped on my arse, but not before that). And, I would NOT say that my ex wasn't deserving of my 'niceness', because, all except at the end, she was for the most part. It just seemed to slowly turn into a failing endeavor. Not even really sure if being 'nice' even had anything to do with it. Again, it's all so confusing and the rules of the game are very hard to understand and master. I guess we're talking about different things then. I don't know what your situation was before. What I was talking about is the kind of thing where the girl is getting super demanding of a guy and expects him to bend over backwards for her and do all sorts of things and isn't even grateful to have these things done for her. With that by "nice guys" I was talking about the guys that are only nice because they get something out of it and then whine when they don't. Whatever you're talking about seems to be more complicated and like there is a substantial back story to it. I don't know it but as long as you're not being a doormat then whatever problem there is from you being nice isn't coming from your end.
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