How to survive Christmas?

[bentleychic]

And when I hear about OW and people ask them "Why did you go for a MM? You can get any single man you want", I think..well I obviously can't, because if I could, I wouldn't have anything to do with a MM.

 

Isn't that rich? I hear that ALL the time. Well 80-90% of the men that have come on to me or asked me out since I've been single have been married. And I have NO idea why. I can assure you that I'm not putting vibes out there. This is even random strangers on facebook messaging me that I've never seen or been in contact with before!!!

 

(I'm not with MM b/c I couldn't find anyone else. I'm with him b/c I fell in love with him. But the argument about OW and finding any single man is BS.)

Edited December 25, 2013 by bentleychic

[sweet_pea]

Isn't that rich? I hear that ALL the time. Well 80-90% of the men that have come on to me or asked me out since I've been single have been married. And I have NO idea why. I can assure you that I'm not putting vibes out there. This is even random strangers on facebook messaging me that I've never seen or been in contact with before!!!

 

(I'm not with MM b/c I couldn't find anyone else. I'm with him b/c I fell in love with him. But the argument about OW and finding any single man is BS.)

 

May I ask how its BS to try and find a single man instead of having an affair?

[bentleychic]

May I ask how its BS to try and find a single man instead of having an affair?

That's not what I said or meant at all. I'm saying people say a single woman can go easily find a great single man. It's not as easy as just walking down the street like some insinuate.

 

I wasn't really comparing it to an A and I'm sorry if my post came off that way. I'm simply saying it's not as easy as many act like it is.

[I'mNotYours]

That's not what I said or meant at all. I'm saying people say a single woman can go easily find a great single man. It's not as easy as just walking down the street like some insinuate.

 

I wasn't really comparing it to an A and I'm sorry if my post came off that way. I'm simply saying it's not as easy as many act like it is.

 

My words exactly. For the past couple of years I've really tried to find a (single) man; online dating, blind dates, getting friends to set me up, speeddating etc. I never planned to end up with a MM. But he was the one I fell in love with. But I can honestly say that I regret it and I will never be with a MM again.

 

I think that finding a boyfriend can be one of the hardest thing to do. To find a great match that is. Either I like them and they don't like me or vice versa.

[bentleychic]

I never planned to end up with a MM. But he was the one I fell in love with. But I can honestly say that I regret it and I will never be with a MM again.

 

Agreed. All the way. MM agrees as well that he never would have started this if he'd know how much pain it would cause me. I jumped in with both feet, didn't use my head at all. Sure wish I had!

[I'mNotYours]

Yep, I know exactly how that feels. I'm the one who ended it 3 weeks ago, he said he never wants to go back and is divorcing, and I told him several times to go back if he wants to, because I don't want to be the homewrecker bitch who made him get the divorce. I really meant that. That being said, especially now around Christmas there is this evil little worm gnawing inside of me at the prospect of them reconnecting. Totally irrational - we're through and it's no longer any of my business what he does. I should be completely indifferent, right? Last year, they all had a big family Christmas dinner. I'm pretty sure they have it this year too. I can just see them falling in love all over again. Arrrgh. Damn intrusive thoughts. I can see them reconnecting, him feeding her BS about how he ended things with me because wifey is his true love and he was so stupid to make the mistake of being with me... Arrrrrrghh. I wish I could just block these thoughts.

 

Hmm..what should we do? Maybe make a list of distractions? Mine right now are watching a lot of tv and/or playing games on my phone

[dreamingoftigers]

Well,

 

There is kinda something to being approached by married men.

 

It does happen. BUT it would make sense because married men KNOW how to ask women. That's how they ended up married to begin with! PLUS if you are a married man,(cheating kind) it's not like you say to yourself, "well, I have my wife and since I "need" some extra companionship, I'll ask one girl and if she says no. I'll call it a day. OR if I finally get a girlfriend on the side, I'll just stay loyal to both of them. And if she breaks up with me, that's it, I won't get another mistress."

 

So what happens is that married (cheater) men circulate even more than their single counterparts.

 

Often a totally single guy will find a girl he likes and work up the guts to ask her out. A married guy doesn't overall fear the rejection. He already has a wife.

 

Which is why it is all the more important to filter out these married guys. As well, if a quality single guy is looking for a gf, finding out a girl is dating a married guy can really put him off. PLUS a girl who will date married men opens up the possibility of dating other married men, so they'll pull for it more if word gets around.

 

All of these things have a small "net effect" but they add up.

 

Not to mention the time, effort and energy invested into MM takes away from the time to find Mr. Right.

 

Mr. Right doesn't have to redesign his whole life to be with you. He's been looking FOR YOU. And he has something to OFFER you. Aside from a secret relationship where you get anxiety from wondering where it might go next.

 

He has holidays he can spend with you and a family he can introduce you to.

 

No you may not be able to get "any single guy you like." And it may be harder but get in the fray and push for it more because these MM relationships are such a dead end.

 

My marriage too may be a dead end. However, I'll take it as far is reasonable and if that doesn't work,or if he doesn't respect me, I HAVE to let him go. Abd find someone who respects me. It doesn't matter if I don't specifically find that person, I simply can't let fear of not finding "someone" trap me in an unhealthy relationship.

 

Read some Gottmann. Read the marriage/relationship books NOW before you are even in a relationship. Plan for it.

 

Erm, plus let me find it......

Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating | Video on TED.com

 

Just one option.

 

Again, how do you typically meet men?

[I'mNotYours]

Again, how do you typically meet men?

 

I've met a lot of men through online dating, but it only ended with a relationship in one case. All the others were just one or two dates. Sometimes with sex and sometimes not. I don't want to go back to online dating right now.

 

I've also met men at parties and I've had one boyfriend from my work place.

[bentleychic]

I honestly couldn't tell you how I typically meet men. LOL I never look for them. Ever. And the ones that I have met were not the same way ever, I don't think.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've met a lot of men through online dating, but it only ended with a relationship in one case. All the others were just one or two dates. Sometimes with sex and sometimes not. I don't want to go back to online dating right now.

 

I've also met men at parties and I've had one boyfriend from my work place.

 

Ugh, you are about my age and OLD?

 

I know what approximately that translates to:

 

When we were about 18, online dating was the newer thing on the market. The whole "I met him on the Internet" was the new set of love stories but it was viewed as precarious.

 

And back then, they were absolutely right. (I did meet one of my boyfriends on the Internet). But in general it was viewed as either "innovative" or "lazy." Both were right. Some really bright people created a way for really lazy daters to window shop and preselect dates LOL.

 

Nowadays, a lot of the kids have it mainstreamed do its a little different, but for our age group, most of us that have successful relationships weren't from OLD. Didn't meet that way. Had been guided to "get out there" and hit the dating scene hard.

 

I'll be honest. I'm fat. Quite fat. Always have been. I never figured myself for a raving beauty but thought that the qualities I possess would be valuable to someone. And whomever they were valuable to would really appreciate them.

 

1. I'm pretty smart

2. I'm loyal

3. I'm a problem solver (solution-based mostly)

4. I'm really sexual

5. I'm empathetic

 

So I had enough confidence to approach whom I wanted to and face the rejection. As well, I didn't tend to go for the hottest guy in the room. It might sound superficial, but I often found them to be rather superficial in general. But there were exceptions. I dated some pretty nice-looking guys. But they weren't actually my preference because I knew what non-physical traits I wanted. Trusts similar to mine. I thought I found that in my husband. And they somewhat are but the emotional issues we both have mutes that.

 

Do you have any interests that are considered more "male"? Like science (this isn't really "male" but there are a lot of men with more than a passing interest.) video games (careful with this one), sci-fi, sports (like hockey), computers, auto mechanics, etc etc etc etc.

 

Or something you'd be interested in learning about.

 

I was a real Trekkie/B5/Firefly fan when I was younger. And I get the nerds aren't what many girls would consider a "great catch" but man, so many date offers after talking about B5. I don't know if there was something particularly shut-in about that show. But man. A lot of those "off the beaten path" guys are really into that stuff and they also happen to be big earners because they spent most of their youth developing in-demand computer skills etc.

 

Sports guys are easy to pick-up but they usually like a more athletic-type of girl than me.

 

Anyone else with a skill is usually fascinated to find someone of the opposite gender to share it with.

 

I don't tell you what my husbsnd's is, because his is embarrassing to him (not a traditional male skill). But he loves that he can share it with me, I have a working knowledge of it and an interest and encourage him in it.

 

Join a niche community. Go a couple of times and out yourself out there.

 

If you are religious, work those connections.

Most successful pairing happen through other girlfriends. Who has a single brother, cousin, friend from high school?

 

Make it a plan to get dates. Try guys outside your comfort zone. Mix things up A LOT. Because the OLD pre-select happens to not work as well because it turns out that we often aren't attracted to the people we pre-select. LOL. And men are NOTORIOUS for this. They overestimate their value online, (statistically) and don't take OLD as seriously because they can always treat it like a catalog or to get their numbers up. Ugh.

 

And parties......you meet party guys.

Meeting someone when alcohol is flowing is IMHO not the greatest. I know it's common. But that's just my humble opinion.

 

So many people want to leave dating/mating to chance. Or "it'll happen" but honestly, it is such a significant part of life that I think one (if they want) should invest some time and planning into figuring out what the long-term picture looks like.

 

If its family, are you choosing the appropriate venues from which to get a future father for the kids? Are you really evaluating whether your personalities match or are you trying to rush things to get to a goal?

 

The rest of your life IS a long time. What's fun right now might not be something worth sticking to in the long run. And it's such an investment.

 

I don't regret marrying my husband. However, I should've waited longer and been a little older (I was 23). I can see a little more just how broad the decision I was making was. But here we are.

 

 

I'm not trying to say "find a relationship like mine." I know I've got troubles BUT I dated some real quality people and was rarely single up to the point where I met my husband. I had, I think it was NINE marriage proposals abd two fiances before I met my husband. One I passed on and the other passed on me (we were together 2.5 years before he proposed and then got cold feet).

 

But a big part of why I never had long stretches on singledom or settling was because I knew even though I wasn't "hot" I had very little trouble approaching men and making it obvious I was interested or interested in what they were talking about.

 

And at the end of the day, we're all wanting someone that acts interested in us. And when they stop it sucks.

 

Here's a couple fun exercises. It'll put you outside your comfort level.

 

1. Go out and ask random guys (SINGLE, WITHIN YOUR AGE GROUP) out for a date after talking with them for a bit 5-15 mins. Just TRY it. 95% of them won't be axe-murderers. I promise. Aim to be rejected 50 times. Wait, make it 100.

 

You'll get over the rejection if you get desensitized. Most guys are so stunned to be asked out that after they pick their jaw up off the ground you'll get digits. I'm not saying SETTLE. I'm saying try for a date. A DATE. Or at least a rejection. Each rejection is one step closer to your goal.

 

2. Really try to be interested during conversations with any of these guys. Of they start blah blahing about the "transmographier on Delta Soldier 5 on their Playstation 360 (blah blah blah)" listen with interest. Ask some questions. Mention you've never played it but you'd like to try. Try it with everyone you meet over the next couple if weeks. The cashier at Walmart whatever. Find something out about them. Form tiny connections. So many OW are often feeling isolated in a sense.

 

3. Make it your mission to make everyone's life just a little tiny bit more positive than when you saw them earlier in the day. 1. It'll show you that you have more use abd purpose than sex. 2. It attracts people to you. 3. I've never felt better than when I remember to do this.

[I'mNotYours]

 

Do you have any interests that are considered more "male"? Like science (this isn't really "male" but there are a lot of men with more than a passing interest.) video games (careful with this one), sci-fi, sports (like hockey), computers, auto mechanics, etc etc etc etc......

 

Thank you for taking time to reply

 

I do think I'm an interesting person, but I don't really have a hobby or something I really care about and which could be a conversation topic or something to share with a man. That's also why sex plays such a big role..because that's what we usually have in common. Sadly as it sounds it has become my best asset. I know it's not true, but the most positive comments I get are about my looks and sexual skills.

 

I don't think the problem is where and how to meet men. The problem is how to keep them hanging around. It was the same with xMM. Every time I wanted him to come over, I wrote a text with sexual content and he was on. If I just wanted to hang around doing something else, he wouldn't come..even though he always told me there's more to it than sex.

 

When I comes to rejection..oh well..I got so used to them that I can predict when they're coming. I just sit and wait to them to come. And I'm actually surprised when I don't get rejection. Here I'm not meaning rejection like askng for a date, but when it comes to taking things further (=start a relationship).

 

Please, don't quote. I might edit it later. This topic is hard for me.

Edited December 26, 2013 by I'mNotYours

[ladydesigner]

When I comes to rejection..oh well..I got so used to them that I can predict when they're coming. I just sit and wait to them to come. And I'm actually surprised when I don't get rejection. Here I'm not meaning rejection like askng for a date' date=' but when it comes to taking things further (=start a relationship).[/quote']

 

This might be something to take a look at further. I have always had big issues with rejection starting from when I was a child (major FOO issues). Every single man I have ever been with has rejected me in some way be it leaving, cheating or abuse. I think a lot of times we keep recreating these situations because we want a different outcome, not to be rejected. Yet we keep picking or allowing people in our lives that make us feel this way. It feels familiar in a subconscious way.

[I'mNotYours]

This might be something to take a look at further. I have always had big issues with rejection starting from when I was a child (major FOO issues). Every single man I have ever been with has rejected me in some way be it leaving, cheating or abuse. I think a lot of times we keep recreating these situations because we want a different outcome, not to be rejected. Yet we keep picking or allowing people in our lives that make us feel this way. It feels familiar in a subconscious way.

 

About the rejection...I have been thinking. For me it was easier to get dumped by a MM instead of a single, because I didn't take it personal. I thought that he had to dump me, because he was married and not because of me. That's probably naive, but it helped me to look at it this way.

 

So I made it through the Christmas days and I'm sort of ok. I have no idea what's going on with him, but I have to let it go. The thought of having to give up the dream of him and I is terrible. I wanted him to be mine, but it seems like that will never happen.

[Cocochai]

You hear a lot of WS say things like "oh they would never be with me if they knew XYZ about me."

 

"I always have to behave in XYZ way or they'd be angry."

(I heard this a lot and 96% of the time it was dead wrong. I just wanted the truth from him. The REAL truth.)

 

WS often feel that their real selves have to "hide" and their real selves have to reach out to someone that understands them. BUT consequently many of them lie in order to have an affair partner.

 

"My wife doesn't love me anymore."

"Only in it for the kids."

"She's cheating on me."

 

And honestly, I believe that often THEY believe it WHEN they say it, but not really overall day-to-day.

 

I think a lot of it is a projection with no one really getting the truth from then because even they don't know what exactly thèy want. They just know they feel bad when "X" but a new relationship is exciting and they can pretend to be the person they wanted to be. For awhile they can live the fantasy. Believe whatever story it is they need to tell themselves to relieve themselves from the feeling of not being genuine, accepted or whole. Pretend the pain isn't there for awhile.

 

And of course the admiration of the affair partner only reinforces that fantasy. Sort of a "see, she knows I'm awesome. So my wife IS the problem."

 

But the affair partner only gets what is displayed to them. And with the wife hauling probably 75% of their emotional needs (plus some physical and financial) the WS can afford to give some of the icing on the cake to his affair partner.

 

Just like when you make a new friend. You don't chew your toenails in front of them on Day One. LOL. You come across as fun, interesting and supportive.

 

It's only on that group ski trip 13 years later it comes out that that noise in the room over at the motel is you chewing your toenails. LOL

 

(Don't chew your toenails.)

 

I often wonder if that's why my XMM has always (even before they were M) cheated on his BS. Other then truly being able to get away w/ it. He's told me that he's cheated in the past, BS found out but just cries and accepts his apologies. Now after they've been M, he claims I'm the first A. Although he's prob had other when we went NC.

 

Anyway my question is... Is he having A's because he can never truly be his TRUE self w/ her then when we were together? Although I don't think my XMM will ever stumble upon this site, but I don't want to give too many characteristic away.

 

Been to jail in his teen years for a couple years and for two years after they got M). With me he shows off his bad boy side but shows he's gentle fun side and confines in me with everything, things I feel should have been spoken about to his BS plus. With the BS, he's on his P's and Q's because he has a reputation to uphold and she's been with him through thick/thin. Plus they have kids.

 

In other words, if his BS knew half of the things he's told me in confidence... I know she'd be shocked at the person she married.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Cocochai