How to survive Christmas?

[I'mNotYours]

XMM ended it 4 months ago, because he wanted to work on his marriage. We went NC after that. I was numb for about 3 months. He was the first man I've ever been in love with and I couldn't believe it was over. I was sad all the time..couldn't go out partying (I did, but it wasn't fun at all) or look at other men. Then one month ago things started to be ok again. I managed to go to a party and have a really great time. And then I met a new man. A nice, sweet single man and I thought this could be something good, but he dumped me after a couple of dates, because it didn't feel right.

 

That caused a major set back, and I began to think about xMM again. And it's getting worse as Christmas is coming. I have all these pictures in my head..Him spending Christmas with his wife as a happy couple, him giving her an extra big present this year, her telling him she's pregnant (they don't have children yet) etc. And it's driving me crazy! I feel so restless and anxious and I can't find peace. I've tried meditation just to calm down, but it only helped a little bit.

 

Any advice?

Edited December 23, 2013 by I'mNotYours

[d0nnivain]

When those images come into your head, push them back out again. If it helps, picture him & her having a screaming fight. Holidays are stressful & more people have fights then the blissful serene holidays we're all supposed to want.

 

 

Keep up your meditation.

 

 

As silly as it sounds, ask Santa for a healthy loving relationship with a man who is free to give himself to you. Focus on the positive & the future.

 

 

Hang in there.

[ElectricTangerine]

Did the wife ever find out about the affair?

 

If not, instead of focusing how wonderful their life together is, focus on what a dick this guy is to his wife for cheating and never telling her. The foundation of their relationship is pretty much broken by his betrayal. She has no idea she's with a liar and a cheat. Knowing that, do you really think they are blissfully happy together? What a jackpot of a guy this woman has. You really dodged a bullet there, I'mNotYours.

 

Get busy doing something, anything, don't just dwell on your thoughts. Go for a run, paint, post on LS, do whatever, and focus on the fact that you deserve better than a man who is not yours. Stay strong, fellow OW.

[I'mNotYours]

Did the wife ever find out about the affair?

 

If not, instead of focusing how wonderful their life together is, focus on what a dick this guy is to his wife for cheating and never telling her. The foundation of their relationship is pretty much broken by his betrayal. She has no idea she's with a liar and a cheat. Knowing that, do you really think they are blissfully happy together? What a jackpot of a guy this woman has. You really dodged a bullet there, I'mNotYours.

 

Get busy doing something, anything, don't just dwell on your thoughts. Go for a run, paint, post on LS, do whatever, and focus on the fact that you deserve better than a man who is not yours. Stay strong, fellow OW.

 

Thank you for your kind words

 

She was suspicious, but he he denied, when she confronted him. I don't know if he told her after the A was over, but I don't think so.

 

Yes, I really think they are happy now, because probably she doesn't know, and if he's working on their marriage, he's probably a better and more caring man now. I have written about it before, and I don't think an A is that bad as long as it isn't discovered and I envy his wife, because she has him and I don't have anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel

[ladydesigner]

Thank you for your kind words

 

She was suspicious, but he he denied, when she confronted him. I don't know if he told her after the A was over, but I don't think so.

 

Yes, I really think they are happy now, because probably she doesn't know, and if he's working on their marriage, he's probably a better and more caring man now. I have written about it before, and I don't think an A is that bad as long as it isn't discovered and I envy his wife, because she has him and I don't have anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel

 

First off I want to say that I am sorry you are hurting. The best thing if he is focusing on his M is to be NC and distract yourself as much as possible. Get yourself healthy again!

 

Never envy a wife that has been cheated on. I am both a fMOW and a BS and to be cheated on has by far been the worst experience of my life. Even if she doesn't know about the A there is a secret now between them and unless that secret is dealt with there will always be a barrier in their M. A lack of intimacy shall I say.

 

Best thing you could do is pick yourself up don't focus on him and really find who YOU are ;-)

[jimloveslips]

well the one good thing is you'll know you won't be seeing him for Xmas, instead of hoping and waiting for that brief hushed call...

 

the holidays suck for anyone when you aren't with the one you love...

[I'mNotYours]

First off I want to say that I am sorry you are hurting. The best thing if he is focusing on his M is to be NC and distract yourself as much as possible. Get yourself healthy again!

 

Never envy a wife that has been cheated on. I am both a fMOW and a BS and to be cheated on has by far been the worst experience of my life. Even if she doesn't know about the A there is a secret now between them and unless that secret is dealt with there will always be a barrier in their M. A lack of intimacy shall I say.

 

Best thing you could do is pick yourself up don't focus on him and really find who YOU are ;-)

 

I'm sorry to hear you have been cheated on

 

I don't have any experience with cheating besides being the OW, but I guess you're right about the fact that it will be a barrier unless it's discovered and they have worked on their marriage together. I have read several times that cheating can make a marriage better.

 

I do think he's a better man now and she can feel that. He ended it, he hasn't contacted me so he has done everything "right".

[I'mNotYours]

I'm still having a hard time here. I guess I'd secretly hoped that he would send me a Christmas greeting, but he didn't. He doesn't care about me anymore. For the first time since it ended I'm feeling angry. He just threw me away..He didn't choose me. He has a sweet wife, a beautiful home and a great job. He's a liar and a cheater and he has all that and I have nothing.

 

And I'm angry with myself. How could I be so easy, so stupid..how could I ever think he would leave to be with me. I was always there, when he wanted to meet. I never said no. I was scared that if I said no, I wouldn't see him at all. He didn't respect me and how could he, when I didn't respect myself.

Edited December 25, 2013 by I'mNotYours

[blue963]

so true. We often give to much.

[ElectricTangerine]

You're better off not receiving a Christmas greeting. Even if you did, it's a tiny breadcrumb that would set you back even further. He's no longer yours and the lack of any contact with him will help you heal and accept that fact sooner. I know how difficult it is to accept that they built and/or continue to build a life with another woman, not us. And the holidays are an especially difficult time to deal with this. I'm so sorry you are hurting and dealing with rejection. I'm sorry you are feeling used now. Don't be too hard on yourself, you did the best you could at that time. The only thing you can do now is learn from that experience and make sure you don't repeat the same mistakes again. Use your OW experience to grow and subsequently become a better partner to a wonderful available man who you are yet to meet.

[dreamingoftigers]

When those images come into your head, push them back out again. If it helps, picture him & her having a screaming fight. Holidays are stressful & more people have fights then the blissful serene holidays we're all supposed to want.

 

 

Keep up your meditation.

 

 

As silly as it sounds, ask Santa for a healthy loving relationship with a man who is free to give himself to you. Focus on the positive & the future.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

Yeah, picture her finding those text messages he would've sent you.

Merry Christmas, betrayed wife.

 

Just because there isn't a guy today, this Christmas, doesn't mean you'll be single forever.

[I'mNotYours]

Yeah, picture her finding those text messages he would've sent you.

Merry Christmas, betrayed wife.

 

Just because there isn't a guy today, this Christmas, doesn't mean you'll be single forever.

 

I hope you're right about that. But sometimes it feels like I'll be single forever. I'm in my early thirties, no kids, and I really want to find love, have a family etc. I really hoped that the next man I would meet after xMM would be my boyfriend (high expectations, I know!), and when he rejected me, it all seemed so hopeless.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your kind words

 

She was suspicious, but he he denied, when she confronted him. I don't know if he told her after the A was over, but I don't think so.

 

Yes, I really think they are happy now, because probably she doesn't know, and if he's working on their marriage, he's probably a better and more caring man now. I have written about it before, and I don't think an A is that bad as long as it isn't discovered and I envy his wife, because she has him and I don't have anything. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel

 

I'm sorry for this. Re:the bolded.

 

BLAH HA HA! Ha ha ha!

 

Today marks the fifth anniversary of when my husband first cheated on me.

Something was off about him for months afterward and it was really miserable. I was pregnant at the time and nearly went crazy trying to work things out with him and chalked it up to stress. He kept acting like I was "negative and unpleasable." I wasn't either abd he was stressing me out so bad to the point where I began to worry about the health of the baby. Then in March it turned out he was cheating. At least I KNEW why he was so nutso for those months.

 

A lot of MM need a "bad guy" in order to cheat. So either their wife is the "bad one" or they say "yeah, I know, I'm a terrible person because I'm cheating." But the terrible person part gives them the golden ticket.

 

Or they pull the "incompatible but can't divorce" or the "it's a sexless marriage" card.

 

Lots of excuses. A wife can tell when he's checked out. She may not be able to tell why. But it hurts A LOT.

 

Abd since this is his stress coping-skill. It's unlikely that overall he cares for her any better. Plus, underline the dishonesty there and it becomes more obvious.

 

It's too bad you have that attitude about affairs. It may change if you are ever on the other end of one.

 

You have no idea the bullet you dodged.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope you're right about that. But sometimes it feels like I'll be single forever. I'm in my early thirties' date=' no kids, and I really want to find love, have a family etc. I really hoped that the next man I would meet after xMM would be my boyfriend (high expectations, I know!), and when he rejected me, it all seemed so hopeless.[/quote']

 

How come?

 

Please don't be offended, in general we have an idea why we might be single.

 

How do you generally meet men? Do you date MM very often?

[I'mNotYours]

How come?

 

Please don't be offended, in general we have an idea why we might be single.

 

How do you generally meet men? Do you date MM very often?

 

Oh, that's a long story. I haven't had much luck with men. I'm good looking and men are often attracted to me, but it rarely ends with a relationship. I'm having some issues about thinking that I'm only useful for sex..that men only want to have sex with me and nothing else and I don't have anything else to offer.

 

The xMM is my first and hopefully last MM. Reading the above it makes good sense that I "choose" a MM.

[I'mNotYours]

Lots of excuses. A wife can tell when he's checked out. She may not be able to tell why. But it hurts A LOT.

 

Abd since this is his stress coping-skill. It's unlikely that overall he cares for her any better. Plus, underline the dishonesty there and it becomes more obvious.

 

It's too bad you have that attitude about affairs. It may change if you are ever on the other end of one.

 

You have no idea the bullet you dodged.

 

I know I probably have an immature or wrong attitude about affairs. It's my first time as an OW, and I have never cheated myself or been cheated on (as far as I know), so I don't have much experience. But I truly do think that an affair can make a relationship better IF the MM decides to work on his marriage and make an effort EVEN when the affair isn't disclosed. It would "just" be a crisis they have to work through, but the BS doesn't have to know that the crisis was an affair.

 

Am I totally wrong here?

[dreamingoftigers]

I know I probably have an immature or wrong attitude about affairs. It's my first time as an OW, and I have never cheated myself or been cheated on (as far as I know), so I don't have much experience. But I truly do think that an affair can make a relationship better IF the MM decides to work on his marriage and make an effort EVEN when the affair isn't disclosed. It would "just" be a crisis they have to work through, but the BS doesn't have to know that the crisis was an affair.

 

Am I totally wrong here?

 

I can't speak for the rest of the world.

 

But I can say that I never felt more unloved.

 

There's something about keeping an affair secret that generates guilt or resent (because now they are "protecting theur spouse and they shouldnt have to because they aren't 'bad people.'") in a WS.

 

Most people have trouble leading an unauthentic life. It eats at them.

Some people can do it by compartmentalizing but it leaves part of them "checked-out" permanently.

 

An affair isn't the only cause of this. Often for people an affair is telling that there is something going wrong inside for them. Their coping/intimacy/honesty is off-kilter. However, most get so wrapped up in the drama and manipulation that they never listen to it. And it's addictive so it's just a pattern of behaviour.

 

I know my husband doesn't feel like he belongs in our family. I don't either. We were both abandoned in childhood (and raised by màternal grandparents. And both had a completely emotionally unregulated parent. WHAT FUN.)

 

He said having a family is like "looking in through a window outside and seeing a happy family."

 

And that's what it's like for me too.

Affairs don't solve that. They don't get you in the door to your family. In fact they open a different, darker door. One that tells you "you don't actually deserve this family anymore. The only way that you get to belong here is if you pretend to belong."

 

And so, you live along-side someone loving them and them loving you back while you know that the person they love is an illusion. Not much positivity there.

[I'mNotYours]

I can't speak for the rest of the world.

 

But I can say that I never felt more unloved.

 

There's something about keeping an affair secret that generates guilt or resent (because now they are "protecting theur spouse and they shouldnt have to because they aren't 'bad people.'") in a WS.

 

Most people have trouble leading an unauthentic life. It eats at them.

Some people can do it by compartmentalizing but it leaves part of them "checked-out" permanently.

 

An affair isn't the only cause of this. Often for people an affair is telling that there is something going wrong inside for them. Their coping/intimacy/honesty is off-kilter. However, most get so wrapped up in the drama and manipulation that they never listen to it. And it's addictive so it's just a pattern of behaviour.

 

I know my husband doesn't feel like he belongs in our family. I don't either. We were both abandoned in childhood (and raised by màternal grandparents. And both had a completely emotionally unregulated parent. WHAT FUN.)

 

He said having a family is like "looking in through a window outside and seeing a happy family."

 

And that's what it's like for me too.

Affairs don't solve that. They don't get you in the door to your family. In fact they open a different, darker door. One that tells you "you don't actually deserve this family anymore. The only way that you get to belong here is if you pretend to belong."

 

And so, you live along-side someone loving them and them loving you back while you know that the person they love is an illusion. Not much positivity there.

 

That sounds so sad. I'm sorry

 

May I ask why you and your husband are still together? I understand if you don't want to answer.

[dreamingoftigers]

You hear a lot of WS say things like "oh they would never be with me if they knew XYZ about me."

 

"I always have to behave in XYZ way or they'd be angry."

(I heard this a lot and 96% of the time it was dead wrong. I just wanted the truth from him. The REAL truth.)

 

WS often feel that their real selves have to "hide" and their real selves have to reach out to someone that understands them. BUT consequently many of them lie in order to have an affair partner.

 

"My wife doesn't love me anymore."

"Only in it for the kids."

"She's cheating on me."

 

And honestly, I believe that often THEY believe it WHEN they say it, but not really overall day-to-day.

 

I think a lot of it is a projection with no one really getting the truth from then because even they don't know what exactly thèy want. They just know they feel bad when "X" but a new relationship is exciting and they can pretend to be the person they wanted to be. For awhile they can live the fantasy. Believe whatever story it is they need to tell themselves to relieve themselves from the feeling of not being genuine, accepted or whole. Pretend the pain isn't there for awhile.

 

And of course the admiration of the affair partner only reinforces that fantasy. Sort of a "see, she knows I'm awesome. So my wife IS the problem."

 

But the affair partner only gets what is displayed to them. And with the wife hauling probably 75% of their emotional needs (plus some physical and financial) the WS can afford to give some of the icing on the cake to his affair partner.

 

Just like when you make a new friend. You don't chew your toenails in front of them on Day One. LOL. You come across as fun, interesting and supportive.

 

It's only on that group ski trip 13 years later it comes out that that noise in the room over at the motel is you chewing your toenails. LOL

 

(Don't chew your toenails.)

[dreamingoftigers]

That sounds so sad. I'm sorry

 

May I ask why you and your husband are still together? I understand if you don't want to answer.

 

There's a lot of reasons.

 

One is an understanding (not THAT kind of understanding LOL) that we both have some big messes emotionally and neurologically.

 

Those won't go away with a new partner or a magic pill.

Right now we are in the process of seeking counseling and going for SPECT scans.

 

And actually, in general we still like each other. Despite the devastation.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not the "he had a bad childhood so it's okay if he gets drunk and hits me" type. (He by the way DOES NOT get drunk and hits me. He picks one or the other on a given day. KIDDING. He doesn't do either. I have a terrible sense of humor). If there wasn't any motion forward to resolution and reconnecting, I would call it a day. There have been some supremely devastating and frustrating moments, (erm, months) in this marriage. But I get it.

 

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my early 20s. Regular BPD therapy did relatively little and I actually ended up going for EMDR. Which works on trauma. BPD is layers of childhood PTSD. And I know that PTSD(trauma) causes one not to see beyond themselves. Very, very apparent after EMDR. I was better able to cope. I don't get emotionally flooded to the same degree at all.

 

Whereas before the pain was just incredible, now it just kind of gnaws at me when I am triggered. But relatively, it's so much better that I can actually COPE with it.

 

Given this, my husband has a shot to sort himself. It's a rough go. I can see and sense how unregulated he is. And he WANTS the change.

I won't tolerate any cheating/abuse etc. but he we are in the aftermath.

 

It not the easiest path. And it's been awhile. But hopefully it goes better soon.

[I'mNotYours]

There's a lot of reasons.

 

One is an understanding (not THAT kind of understanding LOL) that we both have some big messes emotionally and neurologically.

 

Those won't go away with a new partner or a magic pill.

Right now we are in the process of seeking counseling and going for SPECT scans.

 

And actually, in general we still like each other. Despite the devastation.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not the "he had a bad childhood so it's okay if he gets drunk and hits me" type. (He by the way DOES NOT get drunk and hits me. He picks one or the other on a given day. KIDDING. He doesn't do either. I have a terrible sense of humor). If there wasn't any motion forward to resolution and reconnecting, I would call it a day. There have been some supremely devastating and frustrating moments, (erm, months) in this marriage. But I get it.

 

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my early 20s. Regular BPD therapy did relatively little and I actually ended up going for EMDR. Which works on trauma. BPD is layers of childhood PTSD. And I know that PTSD(trauma) causes one not to see beyond themselves. Very, very apparent after EMDR. I was better able to cope. I don't get emotionally flooded to the same degree at all.

 

Whereas before the pain was just incredible, now it just kind of gnaws at me when I am triggered. But relatively, it's so much better that I can actually COPE with it.

 

Given this, my husband has a shot to sort himself. It's a rough go. I can see and sense how unregulated he is. And he WANTS the change.

I won't tolerate any cheating/abuse etc. but he we are in the aftermath.

 

It not the easiest path. And it's been awhile. But hopefully it goes better soon.

 

Thanks for your reply I really hope things will get better for you and your marriage.

 

When I comes to my xMM I'm really scared that his marriage will be good again. I know I'm probably an awful person since I'm not wishing him the best, but I can't. I'm still having all those pictures in my head of them having a wonderful Christmas, where he finally realizes that she's the love of his life and he wants to stay with her forever

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh, that's a long story. I haven't had much luck with men. I'm good looking and men are often attracted to me, but it rarely ends with a relationship. I'm having some issues about thinking that I'm only useful for sex..that men only want to have sex with me and nothing else and I don't have anything else to offer.

 

The xMM is my first and hopefully last MM. Reading the above it makes good sense that I "choose" a MM.

 

Yep, makes perfect sense.

 

Ironically, I'm the girl that the guys "fall in love with/ want to marry." But I feel too unattractive to screw. So what did I get? A husband who doesn't want to screw me. LOL.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for your reply I really hope things will get better for you and your marriage.

 

When I comes to my xMM I'm really scared that his marriage will be good again. I know I'm probably an awful person since I'm not wishing him the best, but I can't. I'm still having all those pictures in my head of them having a wonderful Christmas, where he finally realizes that she's the love of his life and he wants to stay with her forever

 

You know what that fear is.

 

That fear isn't that his marriage will be extra fantastic.

 

It's that you won't find that.

 

Set yourself a goal to tighten up those boundaries (working on it myself) and make a list if what you have to offer a partner and what you want.

 

That's Step One.

Step two start looking.

 

Do you shut down relationships? Or you just don't close the deal?

How do you kneecap yourself

 

By the way, look into "killing the ANTs" (automatic negative thoughts.)

[ElectricTangerine]

When I comes to my xMM I'm really scared that his marriage will be good again. I know I'm probably an awful person since I'm not wishing him the best' date=' but I can't. I'm still having all those pictures in my head of them having a wonderful Christmas, where he finally realizes that she's the love of his life and he wants to stay with her forever [/quote']

 

Yep, I know exactly how that feels. I'm the one who ended it 3 weeks ago, he said he never wants to go back and is divorcing, and I told him several times to go back if he wants to, because I don't want to be the homewrecker bitch who made him get the divorce. I really meant that. That being said, especially now around Christmas there is this evil little worm gnawing inside of me at the prospect of them reconnecting. Totally irrational - we're through and it's no longer any of my business what he does. I should be completely indifferent, right? Last year, they all had a big family Christmas dinner. I'm pretty sure they have it this year too. I can just see them falling in love all over again. Arrrgh. Damn intrusive thoughts. I can see them reconnecting, him feeding her BS about how he ended things with me because wifey is his true love and he was so stupid to make the mistake of being with me... Arrrrrrghh. I wish I could just block these thoughts.

[I'mNotYours]

You know what that fear is.

 

That fear isn't that his marriage will be extra fantastic.

 

It's that you won't find that.

 

Set yourself a goal to tighten up those boundaries (working on it myself) and make a list if what you have to offer a partner and what you want.

 

That's Step One.

Step two start looking.

 

Do you shut down relationships? Or you just don't close the deal?

How do you kneecap yourself

 

By the way, look into "killing the ANTs" (automatic negative thoughts.)

 

You're right. I'm scared I'll never have a relationship. I'm always the one getting dumped. Sometimes I push men away..test them..and then they're out. Other times I'm really nice, but get dumped anyway. It makes me hard to believe I have anything else to offer than sex.

 

And when I hear about OW and people ask them "Why did you go for a MM? You can get any single man you want", I think..well I obviously can't, because if I could, I wouldn't have anything to do with a MM.