Lovingsomeone2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Anyone out there with trust issues and if so how have you overcome them? I have trust issues that stem from previous mishaps in prior relationships & being burned and due to things I experienced growing up that have made me skeptical of people in general and more so when dating. The man I'm currently dating is aware of these trust issues, he's just as much come out and said word for word he knows I have trust issues and I don't deny it. What I'm wondering is how do I get beyond these issues? I've not once ever "caught" him doing anything that would betray my trust. There have been some things I've questioned, but nothing I feel comfortable coming right out and asking him about as I feel I'd be pointing fingers at things that are probably nothing and would sabotage things as far as the trust goes. I have explained to him the reason behind my trust issues. I think that probably my issues are putting a damper on the relationship which I don't want, because I do really like this man. One thing I can't get beyond is the thought that there may be other women he's involved with. Not necessarily involved as in seeing them on a regular basis, but women from his past that he may still keep in contact with. I have not come right out and asked him about this as I don't want to start anything. If he knows I have trust issues are these just my issues to deal with by myself or is there something he should or could be doing to help me out with these issues. I'm not looking for constant reassurance, I just kind of feel like if he's aware of my issues and if he is really into me and our relationship that maybe he'd take the initiative to make me feel more comfortable and make me feel like there's nothing to mistrust. Maybe I'm hallucinating though, maybe it is just my issue to deal with and either have to get beyond it or deal with the chance that he may split if it continues.
kjohn Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I have been EXACTLY where you are right now and it is a very hard cycle of thoughts to break. It takes a lot of work and you have to constantly reassure yourself that you are likely making up 99% of the thoughts you are having based on fear. Just in reading your post it is clear that you are going around in circles in your own mind….believe me, I get it. First you said "I've not once ever caught him doing anything that would betray my trust." But then you said that he should take the initiative to make you feel more comfortable. The thing is he has no idea what is going on inside your head. How can he possibly take the initiative to make you feel better if you are not telling him that you are hurting in the first place? The other thing that you have to remember is that if he has never done a single think to give you reason to distrust him, you telling him that you have suspicions could very well upset him. It's not a good feeling to be accused of something you haven't done. What makes you think that he might be in contact with other women? If you have never caught him doing anything that would betray your trust what is it that happened that put this thought into your head? My ex-husband cheated on me. When my boyfriend and I started dating after my divorce I was so paranoid that he would cheat that I constantly let fear control my thoughts. If he got off of work earlier than normal one day and didn't tell me until he came over a couple of hours later I instantly made up a story in my own mind….and when you make up stories based on fear they are NEVER good stories. The truth was maybe he had some errands to run that day, or maybe he decided to get in a workout at the gym since he had some unexpected free time on his hands. Whatever. There are a million things he could have done with his time, but I ALWAYS made the giant leap to "he must have cheated on me." Because I was terrified it was going to happen again. When you can learn to let go of the fear and keep calm, rational thoughts in your mind based on facts and actions and things that have actually happened rather than made up guesses, you will be much happier and your relationship will be better for it Now, if he actually does something that leaves you with a question, ask him about it….just be careful not to accuse. He should have no problem answering a question. If you don't ask the question….you will always wonder about it….and the wondering will lead to the made up stories again. Here is a great affirmation from the Positive Thoughts Facebook Page… "Today I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time." Don't run around with a microscope looking for every little thing to examine. Just try to relax and let your relationship unfold the way that it will. Best of luck to you!
Author Lovingsomeone2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 (edited) Thank you so much for your amazing words of encouragement and wisdom. What you said describes exactly how I feel and the vicious cycle I feel like I'm wrapped up in. It's a terrible feeling. I do need to stop constantly over analyzing things and let the cards fall as they will. I think part of my problem lies in I want to be in control of everything, not necessarily control, but I want to be able to control the outcome of everything and not being able to do so often times leads me to irrational thoughts about things that "could" be happening, but of course it's things that I have absolutely no knowledge of whether it's actually happening or not. I truly feel bad because I know most, if not all of this stems from past relationships where I have been betrayed, I have been cheated on and have been used and I am allowing that to reflect on my current relationship and using those negative experiences to set the pace for how this relationship will turn out. It's not right or fair and I should be ashamed of myself for treating the relationship like this when he's done nothing. I do feel bad and I do know I need to break the cycle. Like you said I need to reassure myself all the time when I have these thoughts that I have no evidence or basis for them and so I need to let them go. I think a lot of times I fixate on them so much that I truly convince myself that something is happening or going on that really is not. I will start breaking this cycle now, it's got to happen now otherwise it will just end up leading down an ugly path that will have even bigger ramifications than if I force myself to start trying now. Thanks so much again, your advise and words of wisdom are refreshing. Edited December 23, 2013 by Lovingsomeone2013
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