struggling

[thedj10show]

Hello LS, long-time reader, first time poster. I'm going to try to keep this compact, and then I can expand as called upon. Although my first draft of this was incredibly long. Here we go...

 

So as a kid growing up in Rochester, NY, I never got to learn proper relationship dynamics. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to the entire family growing up, and ran my dad out of the house for 2 years when I was in middle school. Combine that with being one of the few minorities in a predominantly white school, a nerd, and being the shortest and smallest kid that was bullied, and let's just say those days were not pleasant. My dad did come back, which I was convinced was just for me and my two younger sisters. This will be revisited later.

 

I never had any relationship experience in high school. Even after I was accepted into the jock group after helping our varsity golf team win our league championship. My first dance at homecoming was when my entire soccer team basically isolated me and another girl together, although she was a good friend. My prom dates were the younger girls who wanted a date to take them to prom so they could hang out with older friends. No kissing, no anything. My best friend was 2 years older than I was, and girls my age had a huge crush on him. So all the attention I did receive was because of him and how I could get them to him.

 

I went to Michigan State as an undergrad, and all of my "shortcomings" that I was made fun of in high school quickly went away. I made friends for more than being able to help them with homework, or helping them win sports titles, or hooking them up with girls I liked (I've somehow always been good at matchmaking for others). However, dating was pretty much non-existent, even as all of my friends were hooking up within a week of being on campus. Granted, my first year I had one-itis from this girl I knew from high school, and tried to woo girls by being super friendly/borderline creepy. I had to learn how to socialize, as high school was not a great experience. I would always have no problems getting phone numbers, but then the dreaded voicemail/no response. I graduated from a huge party school as a virgin, but I got a job in Tucson, AZ that was going to reward me big time for my degree in computer engineering.

 

I immediately fit in well in southern Arizona. My friend from work introduced me to his group of friends, and I was flying. Everything seemed to come so easily. While I respected everyone, I feared nobody. I ascended quickly through the ranks of my new job, I dominated soccer, and then other good stuff started happening. I managed to hook up (but not go all the way) with a girl I met when I was on vacation in Boston, and a friend from MSU when I went back to visit. Then I asked out a co-worker that I was best friends with and she said yes. My first ever girlfriend. Awesome. She was my first everything. We got engaged, which we were both very excited about, because we were best friends, and were very attracted to each other. But I noticed many behaviors similar to my mother. I told myself that I would be a better husband than my dad (as I believed all the lies my mom told as a kid), and I could make her happy if I could just meet her ever-growing and changing list of demands. What happened to the girl I fell in love with? How was I one day the best man ever, and then the next "the ****tiest boyfriend alive". After she had mini-breakups with me for some very trivial manners, she broke up with me for good. Her behavior became so abhorrent, that her best friends apologized to me for having to put up with it. I went through counseling to try to understand what happened, and I was told that she demonstrated many traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. It explained both her and my mom's behavior to a frighteningly accurate degree. But was I manipulating my feelings to meet that outcome? My dating history didn't speak strongly for my position as a man. They weren't officially diagnosed, so it's possible I just messed up big time? Maybe I was just a bad person?

 

I decided to go to the University of Arizona to get my Masters degree. I remember going to a speed dating event for graduate students. 40 women, and not one of them was interested in even getting a coffee. As a 25 year old, I understood that I was restricted to seniors and graduate students for the most part. So it's not like I fooled myself into thinking I could land, nor would I even have wanted, a freshman or someone of that nature. My friends from NY and MSU would come and visit, and comment on my social dynamics when we were out, and if I decided to approach somebody. They always say that I do all the things they do, and yet they're always the ones in relationships or taking girls home. I get that at 5'7" and 120 lbs, I'm not the most desired physically. The excuses I'm told are outrageous. I make you feel fat. I can't date a guy I could beat up. How would you defend me out in public in a fight? Guys under 5'8" have small penises. I've never actually been called ugly. Mainly cute and handsome. I work out religiously, and am all muscle. I have to eat 5000+ calories a day, and I spend so much money on food, it's stupid. It's never stopped me from succeeding at sports, and I became a phenomenal soccer player at the UA. But all of my girl friends would always ask about my tall 6'4" teammates. I would always ask myself what sets them apart from me. I have similar if not higher educational achievements, we're all well-spoken, respectful, friendly individuals. I make friends to the point where I am asked to be a groomsman in weddings. Frat guys would come up and start **** with me when I would be at campus bars, even when I had nothing to do with whatever they were up to, probably just to boost their social status. I started abusing alcohol pretty heavily, as I arrived that the conclusion that my looks were going to keep me single forever.

 

I got a job in Phoenix this past January and moved up there. The only attention I got from women was when they asked where I lived, and I commented on how I was buying a house in Glendale, or when my Chase Sapphire Preferred card came out of my wallet. One of my friends said when I moved up there, that my money-making status would be a huge help to my involuntary celibacy that was pre and post ex-fiancee. But it made me feel awful. I talked to my parents about how the last four years since my ex-fiancee broke up with me have been very rough, and that my use of alcohol was causing me major problems as a result. I decided to move back home in April.

 

I've been sober since. Life seems a lot more clear, and I no longer feel ashamed about being myself. However my mom's behavior has been outrageous. My mom and dad are getting divorced, but she's been threatening to lie about me to defame both me and my dad, to make the men of the family look like we've been systematically abusing her forever. Weird, since I've been gone since 2007. I've been seeing a mental health professional in addition to my substance abuse problems. I told him of my fears. I don't want to claim I'm a victim. But the kids that tormented me in high school go out of their way to apologize for their bullying when I see them around town. My ex-fiancee's friends apologized to me and took my side in the breakup. My sister and her husband have seen the lies and abuse from my mom, and have even suffered at the hands of her as well. I don't feel like I'm making any of this up. And yet I know it could be worse. I've never been beaten, or divorced for half of my earnings, or have custody issues with kids. I have a great, well-paying job, a Masters in computer engineering, great friends, and most of my family does love me. I have great health, which I have learned as I get older, to not take for granted. I told a friend that I will be a groomsman for this upcoming year, this whole story, and he was floored by my dating struggles.

 

I'm not trying to claim victimhood for my entire life. That's why I developed a drinking problem, because I abused myself for feeling like a worthless individual that caused these problems. I don't believe the female gender is out to get me, but I obviously must be doing something wrong. "I love you" means nothing to me anymore, as the only two women that have told it to me in a non-platonic way are people I no longer have in my life. I have to bottle in the fact that even my mother hates me. She said she wishes she never got married and had me. Although my two younger sisters are perfect according to her, so that's cool. My sisters, and bro-in-law have been more than supportive. As I process the past, and try to move forward, I derive an air of confidence from it. Even typing this is cathartic. But I don't expect a magic bullet that will fix everything. That was my problem in approaching therapy in the past, that everything would fall into place immediately afterwards. Life does not work that way. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong, and how to approach fixing the problem. I don't need someone in my life to make me happy, but there's always that part of life that can only be filled by someone else. I almost wish I never experienced it once, because I fear never finding it again.

 

In soccer, everyone describes me as being confident. Well when you bang in a goal a game, and have the other teams try to poach you for their squad, you have concrete evidence of your value. In dating, all I have is one miserably failed relationship, and clear-cut evidence that the two most important women in my life to date think I'm a pile of trash. Yet, I am considered the exact opposite by everyone else. My friends think I'm my own worst enemy, that I'm harder on myself than anyone else ever is. Confidence without results is just arrogance. I feel lost, I guess both in dating and life today. I was rated one of the best TAs at the UA when I taught an undergradute CE lab, my job performances have always been superb, I'm in with both the nerd and the jock crowd, something that everyone pleasantly complements me on from both sides. It's like my value to my friends/family and my peers directly opposes my value in the dating community.

 

I'm going to bounce to hit the gym and get lunch, as it's dead at the office today. I think I just wrote a novel, so I apologize. Cheers.

-David

[Ami1uwant]

This is really long......

 

How have you been in your social interction with women? Are you trying to get women out of your league? Many women dont want to date someone who is shorter than them.

 

All you have said is you did nothing, then dated someone and then broke up, then dated nothing for 4 years.....

 

Have you dated other times? Have you been approached by your buddies gfs on setting you up?

[WrinkledForehead]

I read the whole thing.

 

You sound like my friend, R. R is a great man who can cook up a STORM in the kitchen. Funny, intelligent, lots of interesting activities and hobbies, and I can tell that when he meets the woman of his dreams, he'll treat her like gold. I was the object of his affections for a while. Its a shame we can't be friends anymore (he can't get over his jealousy of me dating, or now that I'm in a CR, even though I implicitly friend zoned him very early on) because he is a genuinely good person.

 

You sound like you're taking all the right steps to better yourself as a person, and for yourself. A sincere bravo! I applaud personal development.

 

I can't promise you'll find a lady but I do encourage you to step out of your comfort zone. I suggest putting yourself out there no less than 100 times in regards to initiating conversation (not even for a date, just a chat), with males or females. Keep a mental tally. Taste rejection and see that its not an end-all. It might sting at first but I do believe that with time, it won't hurt as badly. The end goal is to squash any shyness by defeating it. Perhaps by person #85 you'll have met an amazing woman and will posses the same confidence to get her as you have used to pursue your academic and career goals.

 

Best to you, and keep working it! ~WF