soccerrprp Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 I haven't figure it out yet. We are in the early stages of dating (2 mos.) and I'm keeping an open mind and seeing how it goes. She did say that she would cancel the trip abroad if it bothers me. She understands exactly how I think/feel and says it's not unreasonable... and even says that she wouldn't like me being too chummy with one of my ex-girlfriends. I hate to tell her that she has to abandon her friend because I can't deal with it, but I also don't much care for it. Tell her it's a no go with the idea of an ex spending nights at her place or traveling with him. She offered, if she respects you, she'll do it. Besides, she understands. Don't even permit a remote possibility that something may happen by being OK with this. It's better for you AND her (and the ex).
soccerrprp Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Would really appreciate some extra feedback. Thanks in advance. You mention boundaries NOW. It is about trust. You may like to come across as confident, but you have insecurities too. And if you really care about this relationship, you will make your expectations clear on this issue. If you don't give a **** then continue letting her wash away proper boundaries. I think you do care, so tell her what and how you feel.
dlks Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 My opinion honestly is that sometimes you don't have a choice but to trust them unless they give you any reason not to. That's not to say that I wouldn't be jealous or maybe a little paranoid if I knew they were hanging out, but if she says that there is nothing between them, then there probably isn't. I mean this all depends on how long they dated for and how serious they were, as well as if they knew each other/were friends before they started dating. If you're really uncomfortable with how they are, then you have to tell her or put up with it. She might be more receptive to the way you're feeling if you sit down and tell her fully.
Author from Posted December 26, 2013 Author Posted December 26, 2013 Basically, the dilemma is this: Is it stepping over the boundaries if she goes drinking with a male friend alone or has a male friend over at her apt alone for drinks? I have no issue with her having one on one time with male friends...just maybe without involving alcohol or a quiet apartment where they are alone? I don't know if it even bothers me...but inside me, I feel like this is pushing the boundaries a bit.
dlks Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Basically, the dilemma is this: Is it stepping over the boundaries if she goes drinking with a male friend alone or has a male friend over at her apt alone for drinks? I have no issue with her having one on one time with male friends...just maybe without involving alcohol or a quiet apartment where they are alone? I don't know if it even bothers me...but inside me, I feel like this is pushing the boundaries a bit. If I were you, I'd sit down with her and have a proper conversation about where those boundaries are. You can tell her what you are comfortable with her doing with her male friends, and listen to her opinions about what she thinks is appropriate for you to be doing. Those boundaries can only be defined as a result of the two of you talking and agreeing on them, I think
TB Rhine Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I think the sort of boundary-setting people are talking about is appropriate within the context of an "official" relationship, not a situation where you're still getting to know each other and figuring out where you fit in each other's lives. If she's hanging out with another guy and ends up fooling around with him, well, you've gotten to know something about her, haven't you? As for once you've made things official... I don't think it's unreasonable for one partner in a relationship to expect the other to avoid putting themselves in potentially compromising situations. A man and a woman spending time together, alone, in one or the other person's home, is a situation where something untoward could easily happen, or where the appearance of impropriety could easily become an issue. It's like you're working at Target and not only shopping at Walmart, but doing so in your Target uniform, not to mention slipping into the back room to canoodle with the Walmart manager while you're there. Maybe the Walmart manager is your best friend since childhood, but man, it just doesn't LOOK right.
the_entertainer1 Posted December 27, 2013 Posted December 27, 2013 I've been friends with a guy since we were 16. In retrospect, I think he used to like me but I couldn't read the signals. I liked him for ages. Anyway, he's had a few girlfriends in that time, perhaps 3 or 4. His latest, who he's been seeing for just over a year (and lives with), gets very jealous of him hanging out with other girls. My friend told me that she goes through his messages and everything! Surprise, surprise, I've probably only seen him twice this year. From a friend's point of view, it sucks when the new partner kind of takes over your friend's interest. However, I can sort-of relate. If I were dating a guy, I would be a bit uncomfortable to know that his 'best friend' was a girl and that they used to date. I've never been in that situation, so I can't speak from experience, but I have a feeling I wouldn't cope with it that well!
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