Thoughts on opposite sex friends

[from]

Good morning --

 

This was something that was on my mind earlier today..

 

I've been seeing a wonderful girl for a bit over a month. We are exclusive without any labels but it is inevitable. I think we are both trying to take it as slow as possible because we like each other a lot. We spend 3-4 nights a week together. (not exactly slow but in terms of the way we feel about each other, it is)

 

She mentioned, early on, that one of her best friends is a guy...and he is also her ex from years ago. I, immediately, felt an anxious feeling wash over me. I have never been a jealous guy and always very trusting until I ran into a few issues with my ex and her guy "friends." I understand that guys and girls can be friends without anything romantic being there but this made me uncomfortable. She asked me how I felt and I told her exactly what I just wrote here and that I have no control over who she is friends with. I told her that the only thing that was truly make me uncomfortable and be pushing the limit is if they hung out at her place alone. Since then, we have not spoken about it and from what I understand, they do not talk too often. I believe that everyone has different morals, opinions, and comfort zones so finding someone who complements yours or is willing to adapt theirs is difficult.

 

I'm just looking for some opinions on how you'd feel if you knew your significant other had one of their best friends be an ex.

 

Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

I think new romantic partners need to make room for pre-existing opposite sex friends. The friend was there 1st

 

 

Former EXs turned friend . . . a little dicier. How long have they been apart? When did they date? If you're 30 & this was the guy she dated in high school, it's no big deal. If this was the guy she dated two years ago, I'd be a bit more cautious.

[Philosoraptor]

You either trust her or you don't. Trust is absolute. You can't say you'd trust her being friends with a random guy but not with her ex. And if you can't trust her then it really puts the relationship as a whole as a disadvantage.

 

So do you trust her? Or is this your own insecurity over any feelings of inadequacy or because of your past? If it's the latter, then you need to figure out how to deal with this issue of yours. If it's the former, then you don't trust her anyways so why be with her?

 

In the end though it seems that she has boundaries since she gave no flak about not being at her place alone... and in your words they don't seem to talk too often.

[countryrider13]

One ex bf had a friend who was female. I had no jealousy or problem with that. They grew up together as their parents were great friends since they were little. Another ex had a female friend, I was jealous and uncomfortable since they used to date and then macabre friends with benefits. I was really uncomfortable with the idea. Luckily they rarely talked. My current boyfriend really doesn't have female friends he talks to. Nor do I have make friends I talk to. However we both agree that if we were friends with the opposite sex, then out of respect for Eachother we'd let the other know what a were doing that day, and not be at either home by ourselves. Open communication is key. I wouldn't ask my other half to ditch a friend they already had before they meet me, but there should be boundaries and openly talk about them.

 

Just continue to talk openly with her and share your concerns. She should respect you, as you do her

[from]

I think new romantic partners need to make room for pre-existing opposite sex friends. The friend was there 1st

 

 

Former EXs turned friend . . . a little dicier. How long have they been apart? When did they date? If you're 30 & this was the guy she dated in high school, it's no big deal. If this was the guy she dated two years ago, I'd be a bit more cautious.

 

Agreed on the fact that I am the new one here and he has been her friend for years. I believe they were together for a year 4+ years ago.

[from]

You either trust her or you don't. Trust is absolute. You can't say you'd trust her being friends with a random guy but not with her ex. And if you can't trust her then it really puts the relationship as a whole as a disadvantage.

 

So do you trust her? Or is this your own insecurity over any feelings of inadequacy or because of your past? If it's the latter, then you need to figure out how to deal with this issue of yours. If it's the former, then you don't trust her anyways so why be with her?

 

In the end though it seems that she has boundaries since she gave no flak about not being at her place alone... and in your words they don't seem to talk too often.

 

I do trust her. She has not done anything to make my trust in her waver. These are insecurities from my last relationship but I have not let them impact any of my decisions in terms of the girl I am seeing now. The main thing for me is understanding whether it is okay for me to tell her that I have no issues with her hanging out with him as long as they did not spend their time alone in an apartment.

[from]

One ex bf had a friend who was female. I had no jealousy or problem with that. They grew up together as their parents were great friends since they were little. Another ex had a female friend, I was jealous and uncomfortable since they used to date and then macabre friends with benefits. I was really uncomfortable with the idea. Luckily they rarely talked. My current boyfriend really doesn't have female friends he talks to. Nor do I have make friends I talk to. However we both agree that if we were friends with the opposite sex, then out of respect for Eachother we'd let the other know what a were doing that day, and not be at either home by ourselves. Open communication is key. I wouldn't ask my other half to ditch a friend they already had before they meet me, but there should be boundaries and openly talk about them.

 

Just continue to talk openly with her and share your concerns. She should respect you, as you do her

 

That sounds like the ideal compromise. I'm not sure if we've been seeing each other long enough for me to just come out and tell her that if we are going to hang out with an opposite sex friend, we should let each other know and not to be alone with them at home.

[Philosoraptor]

I do trust her. She has not done anything to make my trust in her waver. These are insecurities from my last relationship but I have not let them impact any of my decisions in terms of the girl I am seeing now. The main thing for me is understanding whether it is okay for me to tell her that I have no issues with her hanging out with him as long as they did not spend their time alone in an apartment.

While I see what you're saying, I wonder what your reasons are for setting this boundary? Do you feel she may cheat if alone with him? Do you feel she's less likely to cheat in a car or at the movies with him? Would you be comfortable with her hanging out at the homes of her other male friends?

[from]

While I see what you're saying, I wonder what your reasons are for setting this boundary? Do you feel she may cheat if alone with him? Do you feel she's less likely to cheat in a car or at the movies with him? Would you be comfortable with her hanging out at the homes of her other male friends?

 

I do not think she would but how many people have said that and been cheated on? I think there is a way bigger opportunity for her ex to make a move on her if they are alone at either of their homes. In my head, I am not comfortable with the idea of them drinking beer and watching a movie on the couch at her/his apartment. (not saying this is what they do, just an example)

[ThatMan]

I'm just looking for some opinions on how you'd feel if you knew your significant other had one of their best friends be an ex.

 

Thanks.

 

You should not seek approval for your own feelings.

Despite what anybody else has to say, how do you feel about your situation?

 

 

I do not think she would but how many people have said that and been cheated on? I think there is a way bigger opportunity for her ex to make a move on her if they are alone at either of their homes. In my head, I am not comfortable with the idea of them drinking beer and watching a movie on the couch at her/his apartment. (not saying this is what they do, just an example)

You say that you feel uncomfortable?

What happens when you openly express this to her?

[Philosoraptor]

I do not think she would but how many people have said that and been cheated on? I think there is a way bigger opportunity for her ex to make a move on her if they are alone at either of their homes. In my head, I am not comfortable with the idea of them drinking beer and watching a movie on the couch at her/his apartment. (not saying this is what they do, just an example)

She would have to be willing to go along with him. Any man can make a move on her at any time... and if she's trustworthy and not a cheater nothing would happen there.

 

So do you think no matter where they were that she would ever reciprocate a move made by any man, whether it is her ex or not?

[from]

You should not seek approval for your own feelings.

Despite what anybody else has to say, how do you feel about your situation?

 

 

 

You say that you feel uncomfortable?

What happens when you openly express this to her?

 

I have not sat down and told her exactly how I feel because I don't want to say something that may stem from my last relationship. I told her that I would not be comfortable with them alone in an apartment and got no reply.

[from]

She would have to be willing to go along with him. Any man can make a move on her at any time... and if she's trustworthy and not a cheater nothing would happen there.

 

So do you think no matter where they were that she would ever reciprocate a move made by any man, whether it is her ex or not?

 

I don't think so but this is something that I don't think can be known in a month of seeing someone. I think that is why it was on my mind earlier. Again, I trust her and I see the way we interact alone and in public...but I have not met this guy and have no idea what their relationship is like.

[ThatMan]

I have not sat down and told her exactly how I feel because I don't want to say something that may stem from my last relationship. I told her that I would not be comfortable with them alone in an apartment and got no reply.

It sounds reasonable that you don't want to bring anything negative from a past relationship into a new one. But you do not need to be so accommodating for her to the point where you begin to feel uncomfortable. Don't you think what you've told her is worth a reply? Otherwise, why come here to discuss this if it wasn't important to you?

 

Ask her for help. You need her help to understand the nature of her relation with him where she'll go from here.

Then you can better decide what's best for you.

[salparadise]

I'm just looking for some opinions on how you'd feel if you knew your significant other had one of their best friends be an ex.

 

I'm actually having to deal with this right now! My generalized opinion is that I don't believe opposite sex friends (esp. ex-boyfriends) should be part of the relationship dynamic, and that means if such friends exist there should be some distance and she needs to enforce boundaries. But that's not really how it is with my situation. Her best friend is an ex-boyfriend from several years ago. He is now in another serious relationship and lives in another town, but visits and sometimes stays at her place. She also had plans to travel abroad with him this coming spring. Apparently it's not an issue in his new relationship.

 

She has been completely forthcoming and I don't feel nearly as threatened as I might have guessed I would be. I don't get the impression that there is any potential for this to get rekindled, or that she would deceive me as to the nature of it. It's mostly just my theoretical belief that opposite sex friends are always going to change the dynamic and create a triangular situation where she has another man to turn to, confide in, depend on, rather than being exclusively invested in each other.

 

I haven't figure it out yet. We are in the early stages of dating (2 mos.) and I'm keeping an open mind and seeing how it goes. She did say that she would cancel the trip abroad if it bothers me. She understands exactly how I think/feel and says it's not unreasonable... and even says that she wouldn't like me being too chummy with one of my ex-girlfriends. I hate to tell her that she has to abandon her friend because I can't deal with it, but I also don't much care for it.

Edited December 23, 2013 by salparadise

[from]

I'm actually having to deal with this right now! My generalized opinion is that I don't believe opposite sex friends (esp. ex-boyfriends) should be part of the relationship dynamic, and that means if such friends exist there should be some distance and she needs to enforce boundaries. But that's not really how it is with my situation. Her best friend is an ex-boyfriend from several years ago. He is now in another serious relationship and lives in another town, but visits and sometimes stays at her place. She also had plans to travel abroad with him this coming spring. Apparently it's not an issue in his new relationship.

 

She has been completely forthcoming and I don't feel nearly as threatened as I might have guessed I would be. I don't get the impression that there is any potential for this to get rekindled, or that she would deceive me as to the nature of it. It's mostly just my theoretical belief that opposite sex friends are always going to change the dynamic and create a triangular situation where she has another man to turn to, confide in, depend on, rather than being exclusively invested in each other.

 

I haven't figure it out yet. We are in the early stages of dating (2 mos.) and I'm keeping an open mind and seeing how it goes. She did say that she would cancel the trip abroad if it bothers me. She understands exactly how I think/feel and says it's not unreasonable... and even says that she wouldn't like me being too chummy with one of my ex-girlfriends. I hate to tell her that she has to abandon her friend because I can't deal with it, but I also don't much care for it.

 

Thank you for sharing. That would definitely bother me a lot - him sleeping over and going on trips alone.

[Philosoraptor]

I don't think so but this is something that I don't think can be known in a month of seeing someone. I think that is why it was on my mind earlier. Again, I trust her and I see the way we interact alone and in public...but I have not met this guy and have no idea what their relationship is like.

Don't think I'm saying you're wrong at all on this, just asking questions to help us, and yourself, understand your reasoning for this. Your feelings are your own and no one can judge them.

 

So you've been seeing someone and you got no response when you told her you wouldn't be comfortable with her spending time in an apartment with her friend? At this point I must say I'd just let it be. You've made your point to her and she will either respect your request or she won't. But it's possible your original request has come off as insecurity.

[from]

It sounds reasonable that you don't want to bring anything negative from a past relationship into a new one. But you do not need to be so accommodating for her to the point where you begin to feel uncomfortable. Don't you think what you've told her is worth a reply? Otherwise, why come here to discuss this if it wasn't important to you?

 

Ask her for help. You need her help to understand the nature of her relation with him where she'll go from here.

Then you can better decide what's best for you.

 

Although we feel strongly about each other, we decided to wait until the beginning of January to discuss boyfriend/girlfriend title and where we would like this to go. I think I will bring it up then.

 

The one thing that I have always believed is that you should not confide in your opposite sex friends about details/problems with your current relationship.

[from]

Don't think I'm saying you're wrong at all on this, just asking questions to help us, and yourself, understand your reasoning for this. Your feelings are your own and no one can judge them.

 

So you've been seeing someone and you got no response when you told her you wouldn't be comfortable with her spending time in an apartment with her friend? At this point I must say I'd just let it be. You've made your point to her and she will either respect your request or she won't. But it's possible your original request has come off as insecurity.

 

I understand and I appreciate the help and advice. I don't know if there was really anything she could say at that point. It was a very small part of a conversation we were having about each others' friends. She told me that she would understand if I was uncomfortable but that she has no romantic feelings for him and it is a brother/sister relationship.

[Philosoraptor]

I understand and I appreciate the help and advice. I don't know if there was really anything she could say at that point. It was a very small part of a conversation we were having about each others' friends. She told me that she would understand if I was uncomfortable but that she has no romantic feelings for him and it is a brother/sister relationship.

She seems quite upfront with things which is always a positive. You just have to decide if him being a constant part of hers (and your) life is going to be ok with you or not.

[bubbaganoosh]

You told her how you felt about it and now she knows that it would make you uncomfortable. Some guys/ girls don't say anything for fear of starting a problem and just bite the bullet then after a while it comes out and then the trouble starts because they weren't honest for the get go.

 

Now she has the information and it's up to her to handle it and if she really cares she will think of your feelings before she does anything and lets just hope that she's as honest as you think she is.

 

Sure beats not saying anything and burning a hole in your stomach.

[GoreSP]

She would have to be willing to go along with him. Any man can make a move on her at any time... and if she's trustworthy and not a cheater nothing would happen there.

 

So do you think no matter where they were that she would ever reciprocate a move made by any man, whether it is her ex or not?

 

This! This right there!

[from]

So..we will be together New Years eve and I figure that we will speak about where we stand in terms of relationship status then. She admitted that she is developing feelings for me. She has told me that she liked me very much before but I guess that "developing feelings" is something more intense.

 

Should I say anything about opposite sex friend interactions or just forget about it?

 

She told me that she recently had a male friend over after work for a few beers...also went Christmas shopping with a male coworker and got drunk. It doesn't bother me in terms of my trust in her but it bothers me in the sense that how can you get drunk with a male coworker and be in full control of what you do? I don't drink much (never have) so maybe I'm clueless in that sense.

[MissBee]

Good morning --

 

This was something that was on my mind earlier today..

 

I've been seeing a wonderful girl for a bit over a month. We are exclusive without any labels but it is inevitable. I think we are both trying to take it as slow as possible because we like each other a lot. We spend 3-4 nights a week together. (not exactly slow but in terms of the way we feel about each other, it is)

 

She mentioned, early on, that one of her best friends is a guy...and he is also her ex from years ago. I, immediately, felt an anxious feeling wash over me. I have never been a jealous guy and always very trusting until I ran into a few issues with my ex and her guy "friends." I understand that guys and girls can be friends without anything romantic being there but this made me uncomfortable. She asked me how I felt and I told her exactly what I just wrote here and that I have no control over who she is friends with. I told her that the only thing that was truly make me uncomfortable and be pushing the limit is if they hung out at her place alone. Since then, we have not spoken about it and from what I understand, they do not talk too often. I believe that everyone has different morals, opinions, and comfort zones so finding someone who complements yours or is willing to adapt theirs is difficult.

 

I'm just looking for some opinions on how you'd feel if you knew your significant other had one of their best friends be an ex.

 

Thanks.

 

 

The only experience I have had with someone having an ex as a bestfriend was a very bizarre experience which confirmed for me that people who have exes as bestfriends might often be the kind to also have no boundaries/inappropriate boundaries. I dated one guy who had basically a harem of friends who were all exes or women he had slept with. His bestfriend was someone he had slept with and she was currently married and cheating on her husband and telling him all about it. It was very strange and I had to exit the picture as he didn't at all see how odd it was that all his female friends were women he'd also slept with or dated.

 

I also have a female friend who we were also roommates at one point in college and she was bestfriends with her exes....which meant some of them would sleep over and she had a harem of men with whom it wasn't 100% platonic, but she tried to convince herself that it was, and she also slept with two of her so called bestfriend exes.

 

So in my own experience with those who do this it usually isn't above-board. At minimum, they have weird boundaries. I also feel like your bestfriend is who you discuss your R issues with sometimes and I can see how one thing can lead to another when you're complaining about some problem/frustration in your relationship with your bff ex and as they provide a shoulder to lean on, all of a sudden you slip and slide. As it's easier IMO to respark with your ex during vulnerable times if you're already "bestfriends."

 

I understand being friends with an ex in the loose sense of the word. But bestfriends? I don't understand that and wouldn't be comfortable with it.

[from]

So..we will be together New Years eve and I figure that we will speak about where we stand in terms of relationship status then. She admitted that she is developing feelings for me. She has told me that she liked me very much before but I guess that "developing feelings" is something more intense.

 

Should I say anything about opposite sex friend interactions or just forget about it?

 

She told me that she recently had a male friend over after work for a few beers...also went Christmas shopping with a male coworker and got drunk. It doesn't bother me in terms of my trust in her but it bothers me in the sense that how can you get drunk with a male coworker and be in full control of what you do? I don't drink much (never have) so maybe I'm clueless in that sense.

 

Would really appreciate some extra feedback. Thanks in advance.