anxiousandlost Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Hello all, I was with my boyfriend (I’m 23, he’s 24) for 21 months and things were going well, up until 10 months into the relationship. His brother passed away tragically, and I tried to be there for him as much as possible. To cut a long story short, he started treated me badly, being very distant, telling me really stupid things (like I never liked his brother and I’m only acting like I did because he died), telling me he wasn’t sure if he loved me, putting his friends first, etc. I talked about grief counselling with him, but he was adamant that he didn’t need it. Basically, he put on a ‘front’, spent a lot of time with friends and distractions, but he told me he felt empty inside. My friends and family told me to leave him, because time and time again he was putting me down, yet I excused him because of his terrible situation. Two months ago (so 11 months after his brother passed away), I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke it off. I told myself that even though he was hurting, he was being very unkind to me, and anytime I tried to speak to him about it, he’d brush me off, or tell me I’m over-reacting. I realised relationships are give and take, not just give give give. For the last two months I’ve been doing okay, but it’s recently hit me like a tonne of bricks. I REALLY miss him. I can see how much his brother’s death has affected him, and I still maintain I made the right decision (he couldn’t even respect me). But for some reason, I can’t shake the feeling of loving him. I spent most of our break up moving on and not contacting him, yet with the realisation of “he’s not coming back”, I feel sick with sadness. He wanted to stay friends, I said no. I want to tell him that although I broke it off (for the right reasons), I still love him and miss him terribly. I thought breaking up would be the best option, but it’s really affecting me. I don’t exactly condone how he’s treated me, and I’m not a pushover, but there’s a part of me that really wants to tell him how I feel. I know it’s stupid, and I don’t really know what it will achieve, but I can’t settle. Am I weak? Should I wait for a few weeks until I’m calmer and then say something? I feel like I can’t forget it and concentrate on anything else. Maybe it’s just fear and anxiety.
AlphaC Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Hello all, I was with my boyfriend (I’m 23, he’s 24) for 21 months and things were going well, up until 10 months into the relationship. His brother passed away tragically, and I tried to be there for him as much as possible. To cut a long story short, he started treated me badly, being very distant, telling me really stupid things (like I never liked his brother and I’m only acting like I did because he died), telling me he wasn’t sure if he loved me, putting his friends first, etc. I talked about grief counselling with him, but he was adamant that he didn’t need it. Basically, he put on a ‘front’, spent a lot of time with friends and distractions, but he told me he felt empty inside. My friends and family told me to leave him, because time and time again he was putting me down, yet I excused him because of his terrible situation. Two months ago (so 11 months after his brother passed away), I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke it off. I told myself that even though he was hurting, he was being very unkind to me, and anytime I tried to speak to him about it, he’d brush me off, or tell me I’m over-reacting. I realised relationships are give and take, not just give give give. For the last two months I’ve been doing okay, but it’s recently hit me like a tonne of bricks. I REALLY miss him. I can see how much his brother’s death has affected him, and I still maintain I made the right decision (he couldn’t even respect me). But for some reason, I can’t shake the feeling of loving him. I spent most of our break up moving on and not contacting him, yet with the realisation of “he’s not coming back”, I feel sick with sadness. He wanted to stay friends, I said no. I want to tell him that although I broke it off (for the right reasons), I still love him and miss him terribly. I thought breaking up would be the best option, but it’s really affecting me. I don’t exactly condone how he’s treated me, and I’m not a pushover, but there’s a part of me that really wants to tell him how I feel. I know it’s stupid, and I don’t really know what it will achieve, but I can’t settle. Am I weak? Should I wait for a few weeks until I’m calmer and then say something? I feel like I can’t forget it and concentrate on anything else. Maybe it’s just fear and anxiety. Sounds to me like you really love this guy... if I were you I would reach out. You never know, he's probably come a long way in 2 months and maybe you guys can become friends in the near future; later you might reconcile, who knows? I can only imagine what it feels like to lose a sibling. I don't think I would have taken it out on my gf but we are all different, we are human and make mistakes. Anyway, it doesn't hurt to reach out - especially around xmas, good luck.
2fargone Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Reach out, lay it on the line. Tell him everything and don't hold back. Don't settle for friends. But do tell him everything you think and feel. Without fishing. That way he can get the full picture without having to guess at stuff. And make a decision of his own.
Author anxiousandlost Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Thanks, I think I might call him up. After we broke up he contacted me very occasionally. The last time was on Friday, when he told me about the results of his brother's inquest. I sent flowers to his family a month ago, for the anniversary of his brother's passing, and his mum contacted me to say thanks, and so did he. I'm feeling very scared of doing it. Maybe because I'm building it up so much. It's just a phone call, for Christ's sake!
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